2010 – Week 12

OWNER RICH JOSEPH PROCLAIMS HIMSELF COOKIE MONSTER, NUM-NUM-NUM

The Ballbusters (9-3) 85 Weaselicious Cookies (10-2) 77
Brentless Brents (9-3) 98 Peaks Island Wookies (5-7) 95
San Francisco Cubists (8-4) 82 Specks of Bull (3-9) 81
Red Herrings(4-8) 120 Syracuse 44’s (4-8) 91
P-Miss Envy (4-8) 85 County Coroners (4-8) 77
Week 13 Previews

The Ballbusters (9-3) 85 Weaselicious Cookies (10-2) 77 – “All strategy is derived from the game of rock-paper-scissors.” This is maybe the most famous quote of Sun-Tzu’s Art of War. To say that Owner Rich Joseph has a good knowledge of the ancient Chinese work would be a disservice. Joseph lives the Art of War and he uses it whenever he needs to make a critical decision. After losing the Cookies in Week 3, Joseph knew he had to try something new in Week 12. As such, he read in Chapter 13 of the Art of War that he should “find your enemies greatest weakness and exploit it.” “Hmmm…” thought Joseph, “what is a cookies weakness? It is small, sweet and tasty. I need someone with more knowledge of such things.” He knew just who to call: the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. The Cookie Monster had sage advice: “Me think me would start Peyton Hillis and Dwayne Bowe. They beat Cookies by themselves. Now me eat COOKIES – NUM-NUM-NUM.” This made sense to Joseph and that’s just what he did. Hillis and Bowe combined for 59 points and the rest of the team could have taken the week off. Rashard Mendenhall and David Akers both equaled the Cookies’ high scorer, Derrick Johnson who had 13 points from the D-flex. The Buster D-flex also had 25 points to help the cause. Keiland Williams disappointed Joseph and was promised to be cut. For Owner Dan Weitz, it seems like the wheels are coming off the championship chariot, as they almost always do. The Cookies have only scored 125 points in the last two weeks combined (which would not have been enough to beat the Busters in one week). The Cookies are just fifth in scoring, so maybe they don’t deserve a championship.

Brentless Brents (9-3) 98 Peaks Island Wookies (5-7) 95 – Owner Steve Johnson may have missed out on signing his namesake, but he still has a shot at the championship this year. He needed his team to keep pace with the Busters and Cookies, so he had to knock off the Wookies. Easier said than done. Like Joseph, Johnson referred to his personal library to help him along. He has taken many strategic lessons from The Civil War: A History by Hanson. For example, did you know the song Mmm-bop caused panic in the south and forced General Lee to stab five black slaves because it was driving him crazy with its catchiness? It’s true! It’s both in the book and referred to in Wikipedia (see both General Robert E. Lee and Hanson). In any case, the Brents used a balanced lineup to forge an early lead. He got 22 points from Michael Vick and 15 points from Jamaal Charles, who got the gameball for “coming up big when I needed it and no one who loses to the Bears gets rewarded.” Vick did not care for this comment, but said he will still willing to play for the Brents as long as the team changes its name to the Vickless Vicks next year. The Brents also received 14 points from Arian Foster and 12 points from James Henry Harrison. Johnson was not quite as impressed by his All-Pro receivers, White and Wayne, who combined for five points. Of course, that was five more points that he got from his kicker, Rod Bironas. The Wookies fought back behind 29 points from Kyle Orton. He may be the biggest surprise of the year. Miek Tolbert, Johnny Knox, Calvin Johnson and Trent Cole all scored in double-figures, but it was the longest term Wookie who let the team down. Randy Moss has done diddly squat for the Wookies and had just one point in Week 12. Smoke them if you got them!

San Francisco Cubists (8-4) 82 Specks of Bull (3-9) 81 – Owner Jason Moore has always put a premium on top running backs and that he led him to win six Modano championships. Things are looking a bit grim in San Francisco after Week 12. The team managed to squeak a win over the Specks of Bulls, but it wasn’t without a cost. Moore got nothing from Chris Johnson and lost Frank Gore for the season with a cracked hip. The Cubists started out well with Aaron Rodgers and Jacob Tamme combining 33 points. Moore, however, learned from the Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connelly that things aren’t always as they seem and even if the Bull has the worst record in the league, they were good for a challenge. Owner Randy Chambers gave his gameball to Brandon Lloyd who had a team-high 17 points. Chambers noted, “If it wasn’t for the waiver wire pickup of the year, we’d be 3-9. Oh wait, never mind…” He cast an sneer at Cedric Benson who had two points (one more than Brandon Jackson) and noted, “If it wasn’t for a terrible first round draft pick, we’d be better than 3-9. 2 points? 2 points? Gimme a break.” Chambers then helped himself to a Kit Kat bar. Drew Brees, Mario Manningham, and Michael Turner also found double-digits. The Cubists held a three-point lead heading into Monday. Kerry Rhodes made up the difference with five points, but Gore had three points before going down. He got the gameball from Moore who said, “We got lucky. Heroic of Gore to come back for one play that made the difference, but devastating to lose him for the year.” Chambers, who saw his team fall to the basement by itself, said, “While it ain’t quite the Cubist-Bull City matchup of old, which was like the Colts & Patriots, losing by one point still hurts. Once Kerry Rhodes eliminated Gore, I thought we’d make up the deficit. Alas, unlike Bush, we couldn’t outpoint Gore.”

Red Herrings(4-8) 120 Syracuse 44’s (4-8) 91 – By one five-year-old’s definition, anyone with long hair is a girl. By that definition, Herrings’ QB Tom Brady is a girl. While he may or may not be a girl, according to the league, he is the better quarterback compared to Peyton Manning. As Owner Randy Chambers put it “Do you pick the hair with 3 super bowl wins over the chicken flapper with 4 MVPs? I’ll take the ladies’ man. Or possibly just the lady.” The only dissenter was Owner Steve Johnson who said, “Brady has the system and the team around him while Manning is the team.” Johnson was booed like LeBron James in Cleveland. Two people that were firmly on the Brady side were Owner Charlie Mitchell who said, “Manning always blames other people,” and Owner John Stoer, who gave his gameball to Brady “He is such a fine human being to go along with his unsurpassed talent that, really, he should get a gameball from everyone in the league every week. In fact, I think he comprises the best of both men and women. He has the flowing locks of a woman, but his arm is like a powerful rifle. Let’s not even talk about his private parts, which apparently function very well too.” To learn more about Brady, Stoer picked up “The Total and Complete Awesomeness of Being Me by Tom Brady. ‘It’s so good, it will change your life, (even more than low-fat cheese)’ says Oprah.” Brady did enjoy a nice Thanksgiving in Detroit by helping the Herrings to 35 points. Some guy named Kevin Burnett led the Herring D-flex with 19 points and Brian Urlacher had ten. Fred Jackson got 15 points for the 44’s, but he was lost in the glow of Brady. The Herrings have won three in a row and are out of the basement. Stoer said, “Yes we lost, again, but this loss was softened by the comforting, all-encompassing warmth that flows from the aura that surrounds Tom Brady. Just to be on the same field as him was a pleasure for myself and my humble 44′s.” Stoer loves Brady!

P-Miss Envy (4-8) 85 County Coroners (4-8) 77 – Leadership is a very hard thing to define. Sun Tzu in his Art of War calls leadership: “the ability show your cards and still win.” While no one knows if new Envy QB Brent Farf shows his cards, he shows plenty. In his first game on the team that once speared him on 12 consecutive plays (Farf continued to play despite a broken knee, detached retina, and popped testicle with the help of many pills), he led the team to a win. Owner Perry Missner said, “I’ve hated the guy for so long that I wasn’t sure how to feel about having him on my team. Well, we won.” Sure, Farf and his five points helped the Envy beat the Coroners, but by placing himself in the lineup and above the team, he sacrificed 50 bench points from Jay Cutler and Matt Schaub. Both now backup quarterbacks seemed to support the experiment. Cutler said, “I don’t really care if I play, I just want to win and that inbred hillbilly moron may help us get back to .500.” The Envy would have to win the rest of their games to get to 9-8. Farf was able to get 30 points from Wes Welker and Miles Austin, while Matt Forte and David Harris combined for 16 points. Farf also bench Tyvon Branch who had 17 points from the bench. Farf said he didn’t want to play a Raider against Owner Chad Nuss, which made some sense even if it did come from a mentally challenged idjet. The Coroners stayed in the game with 29 points from Jacoby Ford, who was mocked by the media prior to the game. Nuss said, “Take that you idjets! If only I had 11 Jacoby Fords, the Coroners would be undefeated.” Michael Crabtree had ten points, but it wasn’t enough and the Coroners fell into a four-way tie for sixth place.

Week 13 Previews – The Cookies take on the Envy and if they lose they’ll be tied for first place instead of on top of the heap on their own. That’s because the Brents and Busters face off. The Busters won a 102-100 game in Week 4, but that was before the Brents had Michael Vick. Vick and Foster pushed the Brents out to a 51-15 Thursday lead. Johnson said, “Huge 2 weeks coming up. If I want to win it, it has to be now as the Busters and Cookies are coming to town.” Meanwhile, Joseph said, “Another big test with the Bretts! Feel good about it! C’mon Envy! Don’t have to worry about the Cubists! Sorry for your loss!” What? The Envy have Brent Farf starting once again and Owner Perry Missner said that Farf had named himself the starter for the rest of the season. Toby Gerhart will block for Farf to keep Cookie defenders away. Owner Dan Weitz is keeping Jon Kitna in the lineup, despite Kitna starting to look like Farf. The Cubists hope to keep their outside hopes at another championship against the Wookies. Owner Jason Moore said, “Injuries are starting to pile up. We need Chris Johnson to get back on track.” Moore has both Steeler receivers in the lineup along with Malcom Floyd. Owner Will Mitchell replaced Randy Moss with Jahvid Best. Toward the bottom of the standings, the 44’s and Coroners meet and the Herrings and Bull face off. Owner John Stoer said, “We played by far our worst game of the season in wk4 against the Coroners. This week: revenge!” He has Matt Cassel and Mike Thomas of the Jaguars starting, while Adrian Peterson will be a game-day decision. Brian Westbrook makes his return to the league for the Coroners. Owner Randy Chambers cheerily said, “Eliminated in week 11. Guaranteed losing record in week 12. Maybe we can lock up the first pick this week.” Dare to dream, Randy, dare to dream. The Herrings got 28 points on Thursday out of Lesean McCoy and Andre Johnson. It was enough for Owner Charlie Mitchell to cry “Out of the basement!” For whatever reason, perhaps stubbornness, Chambers is going with Cedric Benson again.

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2000 – Week 15

TOP STORY: CUBISTS CLINCH TIE OF CHAMPIONSHIP � OVERCOME DONOVAN

• San Francisco Cubists 105 Syracuse 44�s 82
• Einar�s Luvable Losers 95 Peaks Island Wookies 45
• P-Miss Envy 108 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 85
• Bull City Bears 99 County Coroners 91
• Weasilicious Good Cookies 108 Brentless Brents 87
• Week 16 Previews
• End of the Year Awards Information

San Francisco Cubists 105 Syracuse 44�s 82 “A pesky gnat,” was the way Owner Jason Moore chose to describe his opposing owner, John Stoer, after their most recent tussle. “He really pulled out all of the stops, didn�t he?” a mildly frustrated Moore said. “First, I don�t really like most of his players, that is, I wouldn�t trade for any of them. Then he puts my best buddy Glyn Milburn along with other Stanford grad Kylee Wong in his lineup. Glyn, Moose and I used to play quarters well into the night. What�s that about?” Despite his frustration (more playful than anything else), Moore said that he felt gratified to have his finger already in the championship pie. The Cubists used their 7th century-topping game to secure the victory but it wasn�t easy. Wong and Milburn burned their former buddy for 14 points. The one player on the field that clearly has what it takes to win was Stoer�s favorite QB Donovan McNabb. McNabb, who has been steadily improving all season, took another step toward that the greatness that will inevitably be his. The Syracuse alum threw for 390 yards and 4 TD�s on his way to a season high 28 points. He even threw up midway through the second quarter. His favorite target on the day was WR Qadry Ismail who had 12 points. James Stewart and Kyle Brady managed to get sevens as well. The 44�s might have won with a better game from their offensive flex that produced a season low 4 points. After the game, there was only one thing on Stoer�s mind: “I knew Donovan was going to be great, but he is almost better than my expectations. Some of his moves out there actually made me weep � and I am not a weeper.” Another reason for Stoer to weep was the play of opposing QB Aaron Brooks. The Pecker castoff led the Cubists with 23 points in their only all pro offensive performance. Amazingly, he became the 5th different Cubist QB to score 15 points or more. DB Rodney Harrison notched another 15 points. WR Terrell Owens took over the starting wide receiver slot with 14 points and TE Tony Gonzalez continued to be strong with 12. Only the Cubist offensive flex was poor with a season low 12. One more win and Moore has his second trophy.

Einar�s Luvable Losers 95 Peaks Island Wookies 45 Owner Steve “The Einar” Olsen knows that there isn�t much he can do to get his hands on that trophy. His Losers just keep winning games but they are not getting any closer and time is running out. In Week 15, they had their most convincing win of the season over the Wookies who have completely lost their bite. The Wookies were the only team to score less than 80 points in the week. They have competed in the lowest combined scoring game in 4 straight weeks and have received 0 or less from their QB in those weeks. Despite their futility, this was only their second blow out loss of the season. Owner Will Mitchell is at a loss to explain what has happened to his once promising team. “Do I have to keep three of these players?” asked Mitchell. Clearly Mitchell�s biggest problem is the play called. This week Vinny Testaverde took 4 points away from his team. This was the 5th time this season that the Wookies have taken a negative from their QB. “Is Rick Mirer available?” said Mitchell. The Wookie offensive flex was also pathetic as it chimed in for a season low 5 points. WR Keyshawn Johnson has not been what he advertised this season. “He�s not even a flashlight,” complained Mitchell, “he�s about as bright as that dull sheen coming from Rick Mirer.” The one thing the Wookies did was to stop the Robert Smith Express. Smith was coming off of 5 wondrous weeks, but was cooled down for only 7. His brother Rod had just 5 points as well. The Losers two other runners had big games. RB Fred Taylor, who had 30 points last week, had another fine week with 21. He has had something like 8 straight 100-yard games. Rookie Jamal Lewis also had a nice game with 14 points. The Loser defensive flex had its best game of the year with 28 points led by former Wisconsin Badger Troy Vincent�s 14. QB Kurt Warner rebounded of sorts with 6 points � or 18 better than he had in Week 14. He handed off to Marshall Faulk very well however, which made Olsen comment, “Thank God he didn�t do that last week.” Shannon “Brother of a Pecker” Sharpe had zero.

P-Miss Envy 108 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 85 The stench of the Week 6 loss/tie never quite jibed with Envy Owner Perry Missner. “At that point, my team was in a funk. It was the pre-Trent Green era and I could have used that win. I don�t want to say there was something fishy about that win, but let�s just say that it is like the presidential election coming down to a candidate�s brother�s state.” Despite his pre-game liberal rantings, Missner had to be pleased with his team�s first trip into the land above 100. Missner used the Oauoa strategy against the master. The unchanged line up produced 41 more points than in Week 14 and 4 all-pro performances. The running attack led the way. RB Eddie George led the team with 24 points. RB Michael Anderson, a candidate for the most surprising player of the year, had his second excellent week in a row with 20 points. That�s 57 points in two weeks. Statistics for that kind of thing are not kept in the league office, but it is near a record. Anderson led the offensive flex to 37 points which makes 81 points from that position in the past two weeks combined. Also in the flex were Amani Toomer (16 points) and Michael Pittman (1). The final all pro performance came from QB Steve “Pear” McNair. His 16 points may have won his keeper spot back. WR Torry Holt rebounded from his first zero with an 11. TE Jay Riemersma was not on his top game and had another zero. Everybody�s favorite player has seemed to have his touchdowns in weeks when he was on the bench. It was almost a lost week for the Devils and their Owner Rob Oauoa. The Sunday warriors were really not very special at all. RB Warrick Dunn was hard pressed to equal his recent brilliance but did have 8 points. Former Envy WR Cris Carter had 10 points. All eyes were on the key of the game Curtis Conway who did not come through. Conway admitted, “I spent all of those years on Missner�s bench, I just didn�t have the heart to dominate the game in my usual style.” No one is sure how Oauoa will react to Conway�s comments. The loss to the Envy seemed to burn Oauoa more than most as he said after the game, “First he calls me Don for a year and this year he hasn�t come close to spelling my name right. That�s disrespectful!”

Bull City Bears 99 County Coroners 91 With the battle of Randys being the top story in Bull City, the beginning of the week featured a number of sound bytes from each Randy. Owner Chambers said, “If Moss doesn�t get in gear, he could find himself on a different team next season.” WR Moss said, “He can go ahead, you know, and like, you know trade me � I was more, you know like, comfortable in the Cubist offense. Where�s Mac Daddy Wilk when I need him?” On Wednesday, Chambers called a media black out in Bull City. Every thing disappeared behind closed doors and on Sunday it was one big, happy Bear family. With Moss happy, QB Daunte Culpepper was even happier. Coming of a poor performance that may have hurt his MVP candidacy, Culpepper put on a show. He had a season high 29 points that included numerous TD�s and great plays. Moss also settled in with 12 points. After the game, Moss said, “I am happy, for now.” With the focus on Moss and Culpepper, there was a surprising development in the post-game press conference. Superstar WR Marvin Harrison, unhappy after his one point performance, said that he would prefer to be reunited with QB Donovan McNabb next year. Marvelous Marvin said, “While Mr. Chambers has been more than accommodating for me, I belong in Syracuse.” Somewhere we know that John Stoer was smiling. We�ll have to see how Chambers quells this fire. On the other sideline, it was a confusing day for Owner Chad Nuss. He was very pleased by his Raider players. For example, DB Eric Allen pleased Nuss with a defensive TD and 17 points. QB Rich Gannon had 13 points and RB Tyrone Wheatley had another 11 points. Even little Andre Rison had 7 points. Sea-bass continued to please his owner with 7 additional points. The sad part for Nuss was that his team lost and that they could have won if he had played back up QB Jeff Garcia (26 points). His team falling below .500 again also saddened Nuss. Nuss said, “I don�t know what to say. I love the Raiders. I love the Coroners. I�ll be glad when the Modano season is over so I can concentrate on the Raiders� domination of the playoffs.”

Weasilicious Good Cookies 108 Brentless Brents 87 Score one for the good guys. The battle in the upper Midwest for respect and which is better pro-Pecker or anti-Pecker went to the Pecker hater in this case. Owner Dan Weitz�s team escaped the basement as they were led by a record setting performance by RB Marshall Faulk. Faulk ran into the endzone four times and broke his own record from the running back position with 35 points. He even ran into the stands to give the Weitz girls a chuchy apiece. The 108 points were the week high (tied with the Envy) and were a season record for the Cookies. RB Emmitt Smith killed the Redskins with 16 points. Not to be outdone by Faulk, Smith ran into the stands to give the Weitz girls a glass of bug juice apiece. Easy Ed McCafferty had a splendid game with 13 points and the Bano brothers contributed another 17. Even Trent Dilfer had three points. All in all, Weitz was satisfied with the win even this lost season. He commented, “This is a great step in the process of bipartisanship for both sides of the Pecker fence. It is clear that the Peckers should be made into a minor league football team and all Pecker backers should be forced to root for the Cleveland Browns.” It was a familiar story for Owner Steve Johnson�s Brents. They scored well and lost. For the second time in three weeks, they lost with 87 points. It has been that kind of season for them. RB Ahman Green led the team with 20 points, but he always scores well in a losing effort. The guy just doesn�t have the leadership skills for a winning team. Green contributed to a season high performance from the Brentless offensive flex. Reggie Jackson also slugged for 14 points. The Brent defense was also strong with 33 points. LB Junior Seau led the defense with 14 points and Captain Pat Tillman scored 9. The starting backfield was not as impressive. RB Ron Dayne only scored 1 point. The team actually had a shot of winning on Monday night with ever steady Peyton Manning suiting up. Manning needed 23 points. He scored 2. After the game, Manning claimed that he missed the Little Man in his backfield. Johnson was said to be distraught after yet another loss. He vowed serious changes for next week.

Week 16 Previews At long last, the Cubists can finally clinch their championship. However, in order to clinch the top spot in the league they need to defeat a hot Cookies team. Well, maybe not hot, but a one game win streak is a one game win streak. Will Owner Jason Moore pull some more QB magic out of his pocket? Who�s available? Dim-witted Rick Mirer? Seriously bad Mike Tomczak? Maybe Steve Bartkowski will come out of retirement. The match up involving the most combined wins features Einar�s Luvable Losers and the anomalous P-Miss Envy. Since Owner Perry Missner has let his team be, more or less, they have been on fire. At one point, the team was 2-5 so they have won 7 of their last 8 games. They will line up the exact same players as the last two weeks. Owner Steve Olson hopes that QB Kurt Warner wakes out of his doldrums as he doesn�t want him to be benched for Envy QB Trent Green. In an ancient Sidwell/Yuma/Windom Place rivalry, the Bears and 44�s match up. The lead story in this game is the attitude of Bear WR Marvin Harrison. He wants to be with his amigo QB Donovan McNabb who will be on the bye this week. Will Harrison decide to sit this one out in protest? Will Randy Moss get the ball enough? Another team without a QB is the Wookies. Hopefully Owner Will Mitchell won�t pick the negative guy this week. He does welcome back RB Jamal Anderson. The Wookies play the Mountain Devils who once again strive to get above the .500 mark. Finally, the Brents face the Coroners. Pecker power or the Silver & Black?

End of the Year Awards Information End of the Year Awards Information With snow falling all over the country, it is clear that the focus of all owners should be on the heart warming end of the year awards. The categories are: Coach/Owner of the Year, Most Valuable Player, Rookie of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, Surprise of the Year, and Disappointment of the Year. The only rule is that you can not vote for any of your own players. Please feel free to send comments and thoughts on each award. Also, any other season ending thoughts would be much appreciated by the media. Word from the commissioner�s office is that all owners who have not submitted votes will be reminded ad nauseum to vote.

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