2011 – Week 13
Posted by modanomihermano on December 10, 2011
MEETING LASTS 73 CONSECUTIVE HOURS, BORES ALL
Red Herrings 98 Weaselicious Cookies 85
County Coroners 98 Brentless Brents Forever 81
The Ballbusters 126 Syracuse 44’s 82
Peaks Island Wookies 88 P-Miss Envy 79
San Francisco Cubists 116 Beck & Call 96
Week 14 Previews
RALEIGH, North Carolina (AP) – For the first time in its history, the owner of the Modano Mi Hermano fantasy football league, which many observers consider the greatest fantasy football league in the nation, came to an impasse. Representative of Commissioner Tugwell’s office said that the league has split into distinct factions and they weren’t sure whether the schism could be mended for future seasons. The divisive character in the split is former Owner Randy Chambers. Reporters have learned that Chambers only stepped aside for the 2011 season with the understanding that the Modano Mi Hermano championship would return to the hands of one of his Sidwell Friend cronies. At the beginning of the season, Chambers assumed Tugwell would help his friends Owners Jason Moore, John Stoer, and Rick Heller to the championship and for some time it looked like Tugwell would pull the strings to make this happen. What neither Chambers nor Tugwell planned for was the ascension of Owner Charlie Mitchell. Apparently, both league leaders were confused by the team name Red Herrings. After Week 13, the Herrings had forged a two-game lead with just four to play. In Week 13, the younger Mitchell’s team took care of business against the Weaselicious Cookies even after Chambers said that Adrian Peterson would not be allowed to play this season. The ever defiant Tom Brady scored 21 points and let his flowing locks be the envy of every league owner. Mitchell who claimed he stopped going to meetings a long time ago was forced to attend and let Brady call the offensive plays. It seemed to work out. Reports have indicated that Mitchell and the Commissioner have a budding friendship because Tugwell is so fond of beer and bowling. Live music doesn’t hurt as well since Tugwell loves to get his groove on. The friendship may be the cause of the schism between Chambers and Tugwell, and the ever-aggressive Chambers has been calling for the Commissioner to step down after years and years of faithful service to the league. Chambers claims that if the championship doesn’t go to one of the friends, then Tugwell is in breach of illicit contract and the season should be voided. The other owners, despite having a majority stake in the league, have been unable to organize themselves against the Sidwell junta. Charlie Mitchell has the most influence, but he noted he “changes things – including my underwear- all the time. I am big on change.” Unfortunately, he and his brother Owner Will Mitchell rarely agree on anything. When the Herrings win, the Wookies tend to lose. In Week 13, both Mitchell brothers won as the Wookies dominated the Envy. Shonn Green was an unstoppable force and LaGarrette Blount was an unmovable object. The elder Mitchell still rues trading Matt Forte to the Envy for Cedric Benson a few years ago and took that rueful feeling out on Forte’s knee. This left Missner unable to agree with any Mitchell about anything. Missner wasn’t even paying attention at the meeting because he was “conjuring recaps.” Missner said, “We couldn’t stop those jerks from New York City. I never realized that Will was such a cosmopolitan. We just have to win three of four to get above .500.” Like Ringo, Missner said he was just happy to be there and said he would “roll with the punches. Change doesn’t really affect me.” How Zen! Chambers’ hope that a Friend would take the championship was hurt by the fact that the Cubists and Call faced off. Aaron Rodgers won an Oscar for an abused wife while he submitted another 35 point performance. Could a last place team with the La-la-la-laFontaine award? Would the Cubists be winless without Rodgers? In Week 13, they received 22 points from Chris “Too little, too late” Johnson and another 12 from Jonathan Stewart. Owner Rick Heller’s team did not take the game lightly and put up some big numbers of their own. Ray Rice had 19, Matthew Stafford had 16 and Hakeem Nicks had 17. Chambers continued to be somewhat upset by Heller in the refusal to cut Cowboy kicker Dan Bailey. Chambers is just a ball of anger. He said, “This league owes me big time. I put in 13 years of effort into the league and then they kick me out for Heller, who plays Cowboys. I should have just given my team to Amber Weitz.” While these statements don’t reflect any semblance of the truth, Chambers is certainly welcome to his point of view. Chambers’ best hope for the championship came from old friend Owner John Stoer. The 44’s raced out to a 8-1 start and beat the Herrings in the teams’ only meeting. This was the first game of Adrian Peterson’s league mandated suspension for wearing too much purple. The burden of expectations has crushed the 44’s and they have dropped three of their last four games. Stoer said, “I love change as long as it’s small and happens mostly to other people I vaguely know.” His team got bullied by the Busters and their Wunderkind Weinrich hopeful Cam Newton. The game-ball earning Newton led the Busters with 34 points and his million dollar smile disarmed the 44 defense. The Buster O-flex when triflexa led by Rashard Mendenhall’s 16 points. Rookie A.J. Green had another 13. Meanwhile, Jared Allen – who was not suspended for wearing too much purple since the Chambers has largely ignore his former rival Owner Rich Joseph – had 18 points and beat the stuffing out of 44 QB Drew Brees (who still had 29 points.). Injuries (or possibly the hand of Commissioner Tugwell) knocked the 44’s out. Andre Johnson and Patrick Willis were put on the ground. This game caused Chambers to burst into Tugwell’s office and cry, “What the hell are you doing?!? Stoer is our one last chance at Sidwell glory this year.” Tugwell simply stood up and said, “I think you are forgetting yourself F. Randy. I did not go to Sidwell Friends with Chelsea Clinton. Your under the table deal has no bearing on the Commissioner’s office.” This left Chambers nearly speechless. He was willing to allow Owner Stevie Johnson into the Sidwell Friends axis, even though Johnson had gone to a crappy public school in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. The guess is that Chambers figures that at least Johnson was a past Modano Mi Hermano champion. But the Brents could not come through and were beaten by their usual whipping boy, the Coroners. Carson Palmer and Rob Gronkowski have become one of the most potent pass-and-catch combos in the league. Percy Harvin came from the Brents backyard to burn the team for 23 points and Reggie Bush had another 12. Johnson was very unhappy with quarterback Matt Ryan and echoed his mentor Farf when he said, “Needed you to shine, son.” Johnson was even more unhappy when he learned that the meeting was not “call-in. So even the Inter-Nets could not save me.” Johnson gave a political answer to the potential league shakeup and said, “I don’t mind changing [my underwear], but always depends on what is changing.” After meeting for more than three days straight, the bleary-eyed owners adjourned with very little decided. Commissioner Tugwell said he would meet with a special counsel of lawyers and community organizers and would make an announcement about the league’s future in the coming weeks. Speculation ran rampant throughout the league at what this announcement would be. Owner Rich Joseph thought Tugwell would announce that “he’s coming out of the closet.” That seems unlikely. Owner John Stoer thought Tugwell would tell the league that “Cam Newton has tested positive for weed, HGH, and whatever Ivan Drago took in Rock IV, and therefore any loss to the Busters is now a win.” Owner Stevie Johnson hoped for a keeper shakeup, while Owner Perry Missner thought it would be “mandatory injuries for 2012.” Owner Charlie Mitchell kept hoping in vain for a “reinstatement of the college draft.” Owner Jason Moore thought the announcement would be Chambers-related in that Tugwell “will announce that RC has taken a vow not to play FFL until the Redskins make the playoffs.” Time will tell, time will tell.
Week 14 Previews – Owner Charlie Mitchell holds his own destiny in his hands. It would take an epic collapse to lose a two-game lead in four games. This collapse would sustain ESPN talk shows for three weeks (or maybe an hour and a half when they went on to their next case of pedophilia). The Herrings go for the sweep against the Coroners. They had little trouble with Owner Chad Nuss’ team in Week 5. Mitchell said, “The Coroners up next? AP on the mend? Hard to contain the excitement in Herringland. Three more wins, three more wins!” Mike Wallace got the team out to a four-point start. Some of Mitchell’s hopes will be centered on the Redskins who face Rob Gronkowski. Gulp! The second place 44’s hope the Cubists roll over to keep their championship hopes alive. If Chambers has his way, Aaron Rodgers will sit out to rest his weary female parts. It looks like the Sidwell axis may be falling apart since Owner Jason Moore is not complying. Moore said, “The only thing I know for certain is that John Stoer will pick the Cubists to win this game.” Owner John Stoer responded with “The nail is ready to be put in the 44′s coffin and we face Aaron Rodgers? Hopefully all the wusses who bailed with hamstring injuries last week against Rich and his ‘Roidbots will rally and we can preserve a sliver of hope for the title.” D’Qwell Jackson go the team off on the right step but Patrick Peterson is going to have to play LSU level defense against the Duck. The 44’s took a 35-point win in Week 5. The Brents and Envy renew their battle for Oshkoshian supremacy. Owner Stevie Johnson swayed and sang, “Always a good time when I am able to beat Perry, but have to make the push to get to at least 10 wins.” Missner said, “I like how Ben Roethlisberger has changed the course of career to anal rapist to gritty player. Maybe there is no difference. We need the Dolphin defense to shut down Vick and for Duck Rodgers to finally ignore Jordy Nelson. Don’t be a racist, Aaron!” The Brents will go for the sweep after the Envy only scored 52 points in the Week 5 battle. The Chowdah Bowl concludes with the 5-8 Busters and 5-8 Wookies meeting. Both teams are coming off wins and the Wookies beat the Busters 99-80 in Week 5. Rashard Mendenhall scored five points to give the Busters an early lead. Lastly, the Cookies and Call: two teams vying for a .500 record. The Cookies have won five of their last eight games and have scored at least 85 points in the last four weeks. The Call won 91-67 in Week 5, but have lost three of their last four.
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