2011 – Week 12
Posted by modanomihermano on December 3, 2011
TURMOIL AT THE TOP
Red Herrings 123 Beck & Call 95
Syracuse 44’s 107 P-Miss Envy 60
Weaselicious Cookies 88 Brentless Brents Forever 87
San Francisco Cubists 77 The Ballbusters 57
Peaks Island Wookies 92 County Coroners 83
Week 13 Previews
Red Herrings 123 Beck & Call 95 – Rumors have been swirling through the press, barber shops, and bauk salons that there were big changes to come in the Modano Mi Hermano league. The ever aggressive Commissioner’s office had been planning a meeting of league owners to discuss these rumors, but the meeting date had been delayed several times. Commissioner Tugwell had been cagy about the rumors and neither confirmed nor denied their truth. Things seemed to center on new Owner Rick Heller who had taken Owner Randy Chambers franchise in a new direction. Chambers, who had retired to spend more time with his prize-winning begonia garden, had become increasingly frustrated as Heller opened the franchise’s doors to peoples of any race, sexual orientation, BMI, and team affiliation. Chambers was heard to roar, “This is not how we have done things for the aeons that I was an ownership and I explicitly told Heller that he was not to play Cowboys and not to play players against the Redskins. These things are simply not done.” Heller, meanwhile, ignored the mounting pressure in the league office and refused to be suspended. Unlike the rest of the league, Heller believes he is a role model and does not particularly believe in magical thinking. He said, “I understood Chambers’ parameters, but as one of God’s children, I just couldn’t accept some of the things he had to say about the good city of Dallas where my friend Mark Cuban lives. What did Dallas ever do to me, other than foist a lousy evening soap opera and give me diarrhea once. I want this organization to be all-inclusive.” Chambers was having daily meetings with Commissioner Tugwell, and Heller had been called to the league office in North Carolina on a weekly basis. On the field, the Herrings maintained their one-game lead (a situation that is also un-accept-a-bull to the Sidwell leaning Chambers) by forming the awesome duo of Tom Brady to Victor Cruz. The pair took advantage of injuries to the Call secondary and pushed for 53 combined points. Pierre Thomas and LaSean McCoy took care of the running game for another 23. Terrell Suggs bedeviled Matthew Stafford, but the constant Herring blitzing left Jimmy Graham wide open. The Herrings did not even try to stop Beanie Wells and Cedric Benson, since they believed that the runners would trip over themselves. They ran for a combined 33 points to keep the score close. A relieved Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “Cruz and Pierre turned it on right after the score got to 94-93. That was a huge win!” A steadfast but saddened Heller said, “My last, faint hope of winning went out the window.”
Syracuse 44’s 107 P-Miss Envy 60 – The biennial Pizza Bowl has turned into a one-sided affair. Owner John Stoer not only has his team near the top of the standings but he has been smushing Envy out of his life for the past few years. Owner Perry Missner slaved away in the kitchen Sunday morning, making the perfect thick dough to go with a tangy sauce and an overload of cheese to feed his players. The players, led by Jackie Robinson, wolfed down the pizza and then were groggy for the game. Only Jackie was able to heave his huge belly for double digit points, Greg Olsen and Missner’s neighbor Ben Tate were so stuffed that they could only gain a measly one point. Stoer did not make pizza on this Saturday, but most of his players stuffed themselves anyway. Andre Johnson had spent several weeks away from the team because of GI problems (i.e. terrible gas) and only scored a point. Stoer was displeased by Michael Turner who had four points and looked as lethargic as the Envy. Cornerback Patrick Peterson is used to heavy, greasy foods since he went to LSU and burned the defense for 14. The difference maker was Drew Brees, who had a salad. He looked sprightly and springy as he bounced and flounced his way to a season-high 42 points. Stoer beamed, “Oh, so this is what’s like to have a good quarterback!” This comment was not well received in league headquarters and Stoer was asked to join Heller for his weekly summons. Stoer, ever the hermit who is used to his weekly routine, did not care for the summons, but his astrological chart notes that while he may grumble, he always submits to pressure from authority. The Envy fell back to .500 and Missner continued to pin his hopes on Peyton Manning returning to the lineup.
Weaselicious Cookies 88 Brentless Brents Forever 87 – Owner Dan Weitz has always been a burr in Owner Stevie Johnson’s side. When the two went to high school concurrently in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, Weitz would always chime how much better North High was to West High. And it was pretty much true. North had better facilities, better teachers, a much better principal, and the pizza flips (although essentially the same) were better than West’s pizza flips. Not much has changed in 2011, but the suddenly surging Cookies are starting to get noticed by the league higher ups. In the past few seasons, Weitz’s team has started out hot only to fade badly in the second half. This year, they started with some bumps in the road as quarterback Tony Romo had a bruised left esophagus. Now, it looks like the Cookies are a rampaging juggernaut with one of the league’s best offensive flexes. Weitz said, “I just had to give Tony more options because the guy is such a brilliant offensive mind.” Romo just said, “Hodor!” The quarterback had 13 points and the O-flex did the rest. Brandon Lloyd, a long-time Weitz favorite had ten and Marshawn Lynch had 14. Meanwhile, Johnson tried to pick up the pieces. He stuck a dagger in Weitz’s eye with Laurent Robinson who has become the featured player in the Cowboy offense. Robinson and Matty Ryan have become of the league’s most dangerous duos, but they took all of the energy away from the rest of the team. Johnson, who was still waiting for the stat corrections to amend his loss, said, “Fantasy giveth, Fantasy taketh away. My luck could only hold out so long.”
San Francisco Cubists 77 The Ballbusters 57 – The fall of the Cubists has been a main topic of conversation among Commissioner Tugwell and his cronies. The league sent Owner Jason Moore a battery of tests to determine if he was a sociopath or not. Tugwell desperately wants the marriage of Moore and quarterback Aaron Rodgers to work out even though Rodgers has told media outlets that he just “needs some time to work my thoughts out.” Moore has been such a slave to his work that he “often feels like a hermit now.” Even though he thinks “my beliefs are pretty damn boring” and he said, “I am willing to assume most people are not my enemy.” In society, that assumption would likely do him well, but the boiling cauldron that is the Modano Mi Hermano league, everyone is the enemy, including Owner Rich Joseph who is the prime force behind the Magical Thinking Movement. Joseph, who has long believed that his clothes and sitting position were the main reason behind the Snow Bowl victory, may have a reason why his team “keeps stinking.” Cam Newton looks like a me-first player. He had all-pro numbers, but the rest of the team put up a measly 42 points. Newton is going to have to do some group counseling in the offseason to learn about sharing. Rodgers continued to do what he does best – score. He put up another 22 points and helped the team to just their third win of the season. Moore said, “It would have been more fun to beat the Busters if they were good. But it was nice to have another Chris Johnson sighting.”
Peaks Island Wookies 92 County Coroners 83 – The immortal John Madden is quoted as saying, “In football, you have to have players on the field to make the points, to score the touchdowns, and to win the games. Boom!” There was only one real difference between the Wookies and Coroners – Owner Will Mitchell put a full squad on the field, Owner Chad Nuss did not. Perhaps blinded by his tea’s recent two-game winning streak or the slight hope that his team can draft Andrew Luck next year, Nuss left Denarius Moore in the lineup. The Coroners did get huge games from Sebastian Janakowski (19 points) and Percy Harvin (16), but they made the mistake of concentrating on the Wookie ground game – Mike Tolbert – while allowing the Wookie passing game to flourish. Eli Manning had 22 and threw to Roddy White and Wes Welker relentlessly and ceaselessly. Mitchell also noted that Brian Urlacher’s five points were inspirational, while Vernon Davis made him puke. With the Cubist recent upswing, the Coroners are now threatening to not only take over the basement but to take the points allowed crown away from Moore. The Wookies snapped their six-game losing streak and showed that they can win in the second half of the season.
Week 13 Previews – The Herrings still hold a one-game edge, but have to face the surging Cookies in Week 13. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “What did Stoer promise AP to keep him out again?” The Cookies are just 3-10 in previous Week 13’s, while the Herrings have never won in this most unlucky of weeks. The teams started off with big Thursday night performances with LaSean McCoy canceling out Marshawn Lynch. Mitchell’s team took a 20-point win in Week 4 and will go for the sweep. The Busters are the only team on the 44 schedule that has beaten the Syracuse squad. Thus, Owner John Stoer said, “Revenge is not a dish best served cold. It’s a dish best served immediately and relentlessly!” It is also best served ceaselessly. Vegas has installed the 44’s as 12-point favorites, but they may be more hopeful about C.J. Spiller and BenJarvus Green-Ellis than we are. Cam Newton tends to enjoy beating Syracuse. The Brents are still in third place, two games behind the Herrings. Owner Stevie Johnson said, “Time to crush the Coroners and hope for a new run of luck.” The Brents are already facing a three-point hole behind DeSean Jackson, but Denarius Moore is still in the lineup (but out). The Envy and Wookies meet again. I don’t think either team changed their lineup much. And the Cubists and Call meet for the second time. Owners Rick Heller and Jason Moore used to be friends, but there are no friends on the Modano battlefield. Heller said, “can I stop the Cubist’s run?” I guess a one-game winning streak counts as a one-game winning streak. Moore quipped, “We are 3-9 and we haven’t played the four best teams again yet? Awesome.”
———————————————Dragon Tales is One Annoying Show——————————————
