2011 – Week 16 Recaps

SO YOU ARE SAYING THERE IS STILL A CHANCE, MEDIA RETURNS

 

The Ballbusters 115 Red Herrings 85

Syracuse 44’s 80 Wookies 70

San Francisco Cubists 112 Brentless Brents Forever 98

Weaselicious Cookies 72 P-Miss Envy 71

Beck & Call 105 County Coroners 82

Week 17 Previews

 

After a two-week announced absence, the Modano Mi Hermano media abruptly returned to document the end of another great season. It is going to come down to Week 17 once again as the Herrings were unable to clinch and the 44’s worked over the Wookies to tie the franchise high in wins. The absence was caused because of in-fighting at the top of the league as Commissioner Tugwell and former Owner Randy Chambers have come to loggerheads about the future of the league. Just to reiterate, Commissioner Tugwell believes that all teams should have the same opportunity to win, while Chambers thinks that the scales should be weighted toward his cronies. League members were asked to vote via secret ballot as to who the next commissioner should be. The media was able to infiltrate the balloting process and even got some comments to go along. Owner Charlie Mitchell voted for Todd Tugwell “after reading of Chambers’ secret plot to halt my championship run,” and Owner Stevie Johnson also was a fan of Tugwell’s reign. Johnson said, “What can I say? I’m loyal.” Owner Rich Joseph is a fan of Tugwell because he has “more class.” Owner Dan Weitz also voted for Tugwell because “when it comes right down to it. I want a guy who can build me a bridge.” There was also a strong Chambers contingent led by Owner Perry Missner who said that “Chambers has the vision to lead us into the 21^st century.” Uh, idiot, we are already 12 years into the 21^st century. Sheesh. Owner Will Mitchell surprisingly voted against his brother because of recent argument about bowling scoring. Mitchell said, “Look, I know what the ABA says about how long it should take before a pin falls, but I picked up that spare. The pin was still spinning!” Owner Rick Heller voted for his long time friend as well. He noted, “Nothing against Tugwell, but I think he roots for the Steelers or possibly the team that suffers the most horrific injury [which this season, would be the Bears, did you see that Johnny Knox injury?] I need a guy out there who is going to represent the league with an eye on the Redskins. Oh, and sorry for playing Dan Bailey. He has pictures of me that I wouldn’t want to be public.” Of course, the media is ready to get to the bottom of every story, but said pictures are of Heller picking up and inserting Bailey into his lineup without coercion. Owner Chad Nuss had perhaps the strongest vote for Chambers. He said, “Randy and I go back to 1998. We’ve had our share of disagreements. At heart, I know that he is true to the league and will steer us in the right direction. I also happen to think that Commissioner Tugwell is just a mouthpiece for the media and has no real backbone.” Whoa! It came down to the two owners that have known both Tugwell and Chambers the longest, Owners Jason Moore and John Stoer. Both are veterans of political campaigns and both gave highly political answers. Moore said, “Either of these two gentlemen will make an exceptional commissioner.” Stoer said, “Neither.  I hope they both join as expansion teams and Einar becomes the new commish.” Therefore, the tally was four votes for Tugwell, four votes for Chambers, a noncommittal vote, and a write in for Ralph “Einar” Nader. With the future of the league at stake, the media asked how the tie should be broken. Joseph said, “rock, paper, scissors.” Missner, knowing that Tugwell is a former Marine and the league could really use a pay-per-view event said, “Take off your shirts and wrestle!” Johnson was thinking along similar lines when he suggested, “On overly elaborate, multi level, Sci-Fi/Thunderdome combat duel.” Moore had probably the most apt suggestion, “one game of NHL ’94.” Thinking along the pay-per-view lines, Stoer said, “Competitive eating contest- Nachos!” Finally, Charlie Mitchell went with “One on one bowl-off.” The younger Mitchell was surprisingly calm when he answered the questions three weeks ago, but we can only guess at his state of mind after the Chambers once against sent his goons from the Redskins against Adrian Peterson. The result was a catastrophic knee injury against the Viking running back. The Herrings were so disgusted by the injury that they could barely stomach to play in Week 16. LeSean McCoy was particularly devastated by the injury to his close friend and he only scored two points. Willis McGahee had flashbacks to his Miami days and scored just four. Jason Babin and Terrell Suggs started crying and scored just three points combined. Only three of the Herrings were able to fight through the tears and play with a championship at stake. Jason Pierre-Paul is French and, therefore, has no feelings. He had 12. Victor Cruz is Puerto Rican and, therefore, has no morality. He scored 16. Meanwhile, Prince Tom Brady barely noticed that anyone was injured. He played with robotic efficiency in hopes of trumping the opposing quarterback. Brady said, “I know that everyone prefers my model-lite looks to that rookie on the Busters. What’s so great about running around?” Newton played like he had a title on the line. He has been a revelation for the Busters who lost Peyton Manning and have had some problems with the conversion to a new offense. They looked like a solid team filled with Panthers, Cardinals, and Lions in Week 16. Newton led the squad with 33. Kevin Smith and Brandon Pettigrew combined for 26. Larry Fitzgerald had 13 and he was equaled by Calais Campbell. The win was the Busters third blowout of the season and all three have come by 28 points. The Herrings had their four-game winning streak snapped and took their first blowout loss of the season. Opportunity was knocking for the 44’s and they took advantage. The league has sent a team to investigate if the Wookies were shaving points because Owner Will Mitchell started Andre Carter. Carter just laid on the field the entire game. C.J. Spiller, a Clemson grad whose feelings were hurt when the younger Mitchell let him go, hurdled the prone Carter repeatedly. After one touchdown, Spiller did the dog urinating on a prone opponent routine. I love that one. The Wookies were led by David Akers. By the way, the phrase “led by David Akers” has never been uttered in reference to a winning team. As usual, the game came down to the opponent’s ability to control Drew Brees. The Saint quarterback noted that the opposing defensive lineman was not getting up – all game – and fleeced the defense for 28 points. Stoer exclaimed, “Improbable and unlikely as it is, hope still reigns here in the home of the #1 college basketball team in the country.” The 44’s swept the Wookies and now have a three-game winning streak.

Elsewhere in the league, the San Francisco Cubists earned their best win of the season. It has been a long, unhappy experience for Owner Jason Moore whose team will fail to win eight games for the first time in franchise history. The good news is that since the media has gone, he has reconciled with quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Moore said flowers to Rodgers for Christmas. Although Rodgers is allergic to flowers, he appreciated the sentiment. He also saw that he was playing the Brentless Brents and that reminded the Packer quarterback of his three long years spent on the bench watching Brent Farf throw interceptions and try to hit on any floozy with a pair of boobies. Rodgers burned the Brent defense for 40 points. He received just enough support from the ground game with Frank Gore and Kahlil Bell combining for 23 points. Jerkmichael Finley was finally freed from the bonds of the Envy and scored a TD. Jerk! Scoring for the Brents was as top-heavy as a Farf floozy. Matt Ryan and Arian Foster combined for 35. Jordy Nelson continued his great run to show that Rodgers wants to set the world back to 1930’s with 19 points. It would be easy to forget about Darren Sproles since he is so small. He had 16 points, but the holes in the O-flex were clear. Roy Helu and Laurent Robinson did not score and Sean Weatherspoon had just one point. Last week, it looked like the Envy had given up. They put up just 31 points in rolling over for the Herrings. They showed a bit more fight in losing to the Cookies. Owner Dan Weitz has the league’s hottest team. They have won six of seven games to earn their fourth straight winning season. If the season were just six weeks longer, the Cookies might have a chance. In Week 16, they showed off their depth after Tony Romo was benched by Weitz for making googly eyes at his daughter. In solidarity, Von Miller also refused to play. That left the team with just nine players, but it was enough to beat the Envy. Maurice Jones-Drew and Marshawn Lynch combined for 27 points from the O-flex. DeMarcus Ware and James Anderson had 23 more points from the D-flex. In a fit of anger, Owner Perry Missner had gutted his roster after the Week 15 debacle. He was going all 2004 on his squad and cleansed the team of any Packer influence. Jerkmichael Finley and Jackie Robinson were told to hit the bricks and made their way to the more tolerant Cubist lockerroom. Surprise starter Rex Grossman scored a game-high 15 points. Charles Tillman also had eight or possibly 11. The team was hurt by hands of stone Marcedes Lewis, who was cut after dropping his 12^th pass. Ben Tate showed that he only does his scoring from the bench. The Envy still had a shot to win on Monday night with Marques Colston and Lance Moore going against Matt Bryant and a four-point Cookie edge. Things looked good for the upset when Colston scored a TD, but Bryant hit a 51-yard field goal for the win. The Envy have now lost five in a row, their longest losing streak since 2006. After a three-year absence from the roll, it looks like the Coroners will have the first pick in the 2012 draft. The team lost its third in a row against the Beck and Call as Owner Rick Heller earned his first sweep. Matthew Stafford is looking like a keeper with 30 points. Brandon Marshall and Ray Rice had a combined 29 and Brian Cushing had 17 points for the D-flex. As they usually do, Cedric Benson and and Beanie Wells cancelled each other. The point of controversy, kicker Dan Bailey, had just one point. Maybe Chambers should send his goons who have successfully killed Adrian Peterson after Bailey. The Coroners had a flicker of life in the middle of the season as tightend Rob Gronkowski put the team on his shoulder. Gronk was limited to just five points. Percy Harvin led the team with 13 points. Everyone on the Coroner offense scored at least five points, but it was the D-flex that led the team down. The Charles Woodson-led squad combined for nine points. The Call was able to snap their four-game losing streak.

Week 17 Previews – I love it when Week 17 matters. This year it matters. The 44’s face the Brents and the Herrings face the Cubists. Neither game is a gimme. Owner Jason Moore has given wify Aaron Rodgers the week off and has gone with the biggest drop off ever known. No, it is not Rex Grossman but Mark Sanchez. Backups Kahlil Bell and Toby Gerhart will face each other. Moore hopes his team can have a better showing than the 111-59 drubbing in Week 8. For Owner Charlie Mitchell, he has had to lay Adrian Peterson to rest. Commissioner Tugwell has said that he plans a full investigation into the Peterson death. Fortunately for Mitchell, most teams have something to play for and Tom Brady sits atop the roster once again. Mitchell has tabbed Pierre Thomas as the Peterson replacement and hopes Mike Wallace can come out of his second half slide. In Week 7, the 44’s won a 105-100 thriller over the Brents. Drew Brees already has the single season passing record, but the Saints could still go for the second seed and a playoff bye by beating the Panthers at home. Brees could also put some distance for the record just in case Dan Marino decides to come out of the CBS studio. Please? Stoer is giving Peyton Hillis the start and has gone back to the ‘Cuse with Olindo Mare. Owner Stevie Johnson has named himself as a starter in the O-flex and brings back Ahmad Bradshaw. It will be interesting if Matt Ryan plays much since the Falcons don’t have anything to gain against the Buccaneers. The Cookies go for their tenth win and a sweep of the Busters. They will have to slow down Cam Newton. Tony Romo has vowed to play, despite somehow hurting his hand while thinking of the Weitz daughters. Otherwise, it is status quo for the Cookies. The Call hope to make their first season in the league a positive one by winning their ninth game. The Wookies won by one in Week 8. Owner Will Mitchell has replaced Andre Carter with Antrel Rolle and has Eli Manning set for the big game against the Cowboys. Owner Rick Heller may have divided loyalties. He doesn’t like the Cowboys, but has become the world’s biggest Dan Bailey fan. Matthew Stafford may have limited playing time in Green Bay. Lastly, one long losing streak is going to end in Week 17. The Coroners have an amazing 10-3 record in Week 17 mainly because the Raiders generally have little to lose by playing their starters. Owner Chad Nuss has not made any alterations to his roster. Confused Owner Perry Missner has brought backup QB Matt Flynn to finish off this most disappointing season. Roy Williams and Jared Cook will also get starts.

————————————-Ready for the Offseason Press———————————————————

 

2011 – Week 13

MEETING LASTS 73 CONSECUTIVE HOURS, BORES ALL

 

Red Herrings 98 Weaselicious Cookies 85

County Coroners 98 Brentless Brents Forever 81

The Ballbusters 126 Syracuse 44’s 82

Peaks Island Wookies 88 P-Miss Envy 79

San Francisco Cubists 116 Beck & Call 96

Week 14 Previews

 

RALEIGH, North Carolina (AP) – For the first time in its history, the owner of the Modano Mi Hermano fantasy football league, which many observers consider the greatest fantasy football league in the nation, came to an impasse. Representative of Commissioner Tugwell’s office said that the league has split into distinct factions and they weren’t sure whether the schism could be mended for future seasons. The divisive character in the split is former Owner Randy Chambers. Reporters have learned that Chambers only stepped aside for the 2011 season with the understanding that the Modano Mi Hermano championship would return to the hands of one of his Sidwell Friend cronies. At the beginning of the season, Chambers assumed Tugwell would help his friends Owners Jason Moore, John Stoer, and Rick Heller to the championship and for some time it looked like Tugwell would pull the strings to make this happen. What neither Chambers nor Tugwell planned for was the ascension of Owner Charlie Mitchell. Apparently, both league leaders were confused by the team name Red Herrings. After Week 13, the Herrings had forged a two-game lead with just four to play. In Week 13, the younger Mitchell’s team took care of business against the Weaselicious Cookies even after Chambers said that Adrian Peterson would not be allowed to play this season. The ever defiant Tom Brady scored 21 points and let his flowing locks be the envy of every league owner. Mitchell who claimed he stopped going to meetings a long time ago was forced to attend and let Brady call the offensive plays. It seemed to work out. Reports have indicated that Mitchell and the Commissioner have a budding friendship because Tugwell is so fond of beer and bowling. Live music doesn’t hurt as well since Tugwell loves to get his groove on. The friendship may be the cause of the schism between Chambers and Tugwell, and the ever-aggressive Chambers has been calling for the Commissioner to step down after years and years of faithful service to the league. Chambers claims that if the championship doesn’t go to one of the friends, then Tugwell is in breach of illicit contract and the season should be voided. The other owners, despite having a majority stake in the league, have been unable to organize themselves against the Sidwell junta. Charlie Mitchell has the most influence, but he noted he “changes things – including my underwear- all the time. I am big on change.” Unfortunately, he and his brother Owner Will Mitchell rarely agree on anything. When the Herrings win, the Wookies tend to lose. In Week 13, both Mitchell brothers won as the Wookies dominated the Envy. Shonn Green was an unstoppable force and LaGarrette Blount was an unmovable object. The elder Mitchell still rues trading Matt Forte to the Envy for Cedric Benson a few years ago and took that rueful feeling out on Forte’s knee. This left Missner unable to agree with any Mitchell about anything. Missner wasn’t even paying attention at the meeting because he was “conjuring recaps.” Missner said, “We couldn’t stop those jerks from New York City. I never realized that Will was such a cosmopolitan. We just have to win three of four to get above .500.” Like Ringo, Missner said he was just happy to be there and said he would “roll with the punches. Change doesn’t really affect me.” How Zen! Chambers’ hope that a Friend would take the championship was hurt by the fact that the Cubists and Call faced off. Aaron Rodgers won an Oscar for an abused wife while he submitted another 35 point performance. Could a last place team with the La-la-la-laFontaine award? Would the Cubists be winless without Rodgers? In Week 13, they received 22 points from Chris “Too little, too late” Johnson and another 12 from Jonathan Stewart. Owner Rick Heller’s team did not take the game lightly and put up some big numbers of their own. Ray Rice had 19, Matthew Stafford had 16 and Hakeem Nicks had 17. Chambers continued to be somewhat upset by Heller in the refusal to cut Cowboy kicker Dan Bailey. Chambers is just a ball of anger. He said, “This league owes me big time. I put in 13 years of effort into the league and then they kick me out for Heller, who plays Cowboys. I should have just given my team to Amber Weitz.” While these statements don’t reflect any semblance of the truth, Chambers is certainly welcome to his point of view. Chambers’ best hope for the championship came from old friend Owner John Stoer. The 44’s raced out to a 8-1 start and beat the Herrings in the teams’ only meeting. This was the first game of Adrian Peterson’s league mandated suspension for wearing too much purple. The burden of expectations has crushed the 44’s and they have dropped three of their last four games. Stoer said, “I love change as long as it’s small and happens mostly to other people I vaguely know.” His team got bullied by the Busters  and their Wunderkind Weinrich hopeful Cam Newton. The game-ball earning Newton led the Busters with 34 points and his million dollar smile disarmed the 44 defense. The Buster O-flex when triflexa led by Rashard Mendenhall’s 16 points. Rookie A.J. Green had another 13. Meanwhile, Jared Allen – who was not suspended for wearing too much purple since the Chambers has largely ignore his former rival Owner Rich Joseph – had 18 points and beat the stuffing out of 44 QB Drew Brees (who still had 29 points.). Injuries (or possibly the hand of Commissioner Tugwell) knocked the 44’s out. Andre Johnson and Patrick Willis were put on the ground. This game caused Chambers to burst into Tugwell’s office and cry, “What the hell are you doing?!? Stoer is our one last chance at Sidwell glory this year.” Tugwell simply stood up and said, “I think you are forgetting yourself F. Randy. I did not go to Sidwell Friends with Chelsea Clinton. Your under the table deal has no bearing on the Commissioner’s office.” This left Chambers nearly speechless. He was willing to allow Owner Stevie Johnson into the Sidwell Friends axis, even though Johnson had gone to a crappy public school in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. The guess is that Chambers figures that at least Johnson was a past Modano Mi Hermano champion. But the Brents could not come through and were beaten by their usual whipping boy, the Coroners. Carson Palmer and Rob Gronkowski have become one of the most potent pass-and-catch combos in the league. Percy Harvin came from the Brents backyard to burn the team for 23 points and Reggie Bush had another 12. Johnson was very unhappy with quarterback Matt Ryan and echoed his mentor Farf when he said, “Needed you to shine, son.” Johnson was even more unhappy when he learned that the meeting was not “call-in. So even the Inter-Nets could not save me.” Johnson gave a political answer to the potential league shakeup and said, “I don’t mind changing [my underwear], but always depends on what is changing.” After meeting for more than three days straight, the bleary-eyed owners adjourned with very little decided. Commissioner Tugwell said he would meet with a special counsel of lawyers and community organizers and would make an announcement about the league’s future in the coming weeks. Speculation ran rampant throughout the league at what this announcement would be. Owner Rich Joseph thought Tugwell would announce that “he’s coming out of the closet.” That seems unlikely. Owner John Stoer thought Tugwell would tell the league that “Cam Newton has tested positive for weed, HGH, and whatever Ivan Drago took in Rock IV, and therefore any loss to the Busters is now a win.” Owner Stevie Johnson hoped for a keeper shakeup, while Owner Perry Missner thought it would be “mandatory injuries for 2012.” Owner Charlie Mitchell kept hoping in vain for a “reinstatement of the college draft.” Owner Jason Moore thought the announcement would be Chambers-related in that Tugwell “will announce that RC has taken a vow not to play FFL until the Redskins make the playoffs.” Time will tell, time will tell.

Week 14 Previews – Owner Charlie Mitchell holds his own destiny in his hands. It would take an epic collapse to lose a two-game lead in four games. This collapse would sustain ESPN talk shows for three weeks (or maybe an hour and a half when they went on to their next case of pedophilia). The Herrings go for the sweep against the Coroners. They had little trouble with Owner Chad Nuss’ team in Week 5. Mitchell said, “The Coroners up next?  AP on the mend?  Hard to contain the excitement in Herringland.  Three more wins, three more wins!” Mike Wallace got the team out to a four-point start. Some of Mitchell’s hopes will be centered on the Redskins who face Rob Gronkowski. Gulp! The second place 44’s hope the Cubists roll over to keep their championship hopes alive. If Chambers has his way, Aaron Rodgers will sit out to rest his weary female parts. It looks like the Sidwell axis may be falling apart since Owner Jason Moore is not complying. Moore said, “The only thing I know for certain is that John Stoer will pick the Cubists to win this game.” Owner John Stoer responded with “The nail is ready to be put in the 44′s coffin and we face Aaron Rodgers?  Hopefully all the wusses who bailed with hamstring injuries last week against Rich and his ‘Roidbots will rally and we can preserve a sliver of hope for the title.” D’Qwell Jackson go the team off on the right step but Patrick Peterson is going to have to play LSU level defense against the Duck. The 44’s took a 35-point win in Week 5. The Brents and Envy renew their battle for Oshkoshian supremacy. Owner Stevie Johnson swayed and sang, “Always a good time when I am able to beat Perry, but have to make the push to get to at least 10 wins.” Missner said, “I like how Ben Roethlisberger has changed the course of career to anal rapist to gritty player. Maybe there is no difference. We need the Dolphin defense to shut down Vick and for Duck Rodgers to finally ignore Jordy Nelson. Don’t be a racist, Aaron!” The Brents will go for the sweep after the Envy only scored 52 points in the Week 5 battle. The Chowdah Bowl concludes with the 5-8 Busters and 5-8 Wookies meeting. Both teams are coming off wins and the Wookies beat the Busters 99-80 in Week 5. Rashard Mendenhall scored five points to give the Busters an early lead. Lastly, the Cookies and Call: two teams vying for a .500 record. The Cookies have won five of their last eight games and have scored at least 85 points in the last four weeks. The Call won 91-67 in Week 5, but have lost three of their last four.

———————————————–More than Ready Press—————————————————–

2011 – Week 12

TURMOIL AT THE TOP

 

Red Herrings 123 Beck & Call 95

Syracuse 44’s 107 P-Miss Envy 60

Weaselicious Cookies 88 Brentless Brents Forever 87

San Francisco Cubists 77 The Ballbusters 57

Peaks Island Wookies 92 County Coroners 83

Week 13 Previews

 

Red Herrings 123 Beck & Call 95 – Rumors have been swirling through the press, barber shops, and bauk salons that there were big changes to come in the Modano Mi Hermano league. The ever aggressive Commissioner’s office had been planning a meeting of league owners to discuss these rumors, but the meeting date had been delayed several times. Commissioner Tugwell had been cagy about the rumors and neither confirmed nor denied their truth. Things seemed to center on new Owner Rick Heller who had taken Owner Randy Chambers franchise in a new direction. Chambers, who had retired to spend more time with his prize-winning begonia garden, had become increasingly frustrated as Heller opened the franchise’s doors to peoples of any race, sexual orientation, BMI, and team affiliation. Chambers was heard to roar, “This is not how we have done things for the aeons that I was an ownership and I explicitly told Heller that he was not to play Cowboys and not to play players against the Redskins. These things are simply not done.” Heller, meanwhile, ignored the mounting pressure in the league office and refused to be suspended. Unlike the rest of the league, Heller believes he is a role model and does not particularly believe in magical thinking. He said, “I understood Chambers’ parameters, but as one of God’s children, I just couldn’t accept some of the things he had to say about the good city of Dallas where my friend Mark Cuban lives. What did Dallas ever do to me, other than foist a lousy evening soap opera and give me diarrhea once. I want this organization to be all-inclusive.” Chambers was having daily meetings with Commissioner Tugwell, and Heller had been called to the league office in North Carolina on a weekly basis. On the field, the Herrings maintained their one-game lead (a situation that is also un-accept-a-bull to the Sidwell leaning Chambers) by forming the awesome duo of Tom Brady to Victor Cruz. The pair took advantage of injuries to the Call secondary and pushed for 53 combined points. Pierre Thomas and LaSean McCoy took care of the running game for another 23. Terrell Suggs bedeviled Matthew Stafford, but the constant Herring blitzing left Jimmy Graham wide open. The Herrings did not even try to stop Beanie Wells and Cedric Benson, since they believed that the runners would trip over themselves. They ran for a combined 33 points to keep the score close. A relieved Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “Cruz and Pierre turned it on right after the score got to 94-93. That was a huge win!” A steadfast but saddened Heller said, “My last, faint hope of winning went out the window.”

Syracuse 44’s 107 P-Miss Envy 60 – The biennial Pizza Bowl has turned into a one-sided affair. Owner John Stoer not only has his team near the top of the standings but he has been smushing Envy out of his life for the past few years. Owner Perry Missner slaved away in the kitchen Sunday morning, making the perfect thick dough to go with a tangy sauce and an overload of cheese to feed his players. The players, led by Jackie Robinson, wolfed down the pizza and then were groggy for the game. Only Jackie was able to heave his huge belly for double digit points, Greg Olsen and Missner’s neighbor Ben Tate were so stuffed that they could only gain a measly one point. Stoer did not make pizza on this Saturday, but most of his players stuffed themselves anyway. Andre Johnson had spent several weeks away from the team because of GI problems (i.e. terrible gas) and only scored a point. Stoer was displeased by Michael Turner who had four points and looked as lethargic as the Envy. Cornerback Patrick Peterson is used to heavy, greasy foods since he went to LSU and burned the defense for 14. The difference maker was Drew Brees, who had a salad. He looked sprightly and springy as he bounced and flounced his way to a season-high 42 points. Stoer beamed, “Oh, so this is what’s like to have a good quarterback!” This comment was not well received in league headquarters and Stoer was asked to join Heller for his weekly summons. Stoer, ever the hermit who is used to his weekly routine, did not care for the summons, but his astrological chart notes that while he may grumble, he always submits to pressure from authority. The Envy fell back to .500 and Missner continued to pin his hopes on Peyton Manning returning to the lineup.

Weaselicious Cookies 88 Brentless Brents Forever 87 – Owner Dan Weitz has always been a burr in Owner Stevie Johnson’s side. When the two went to high school concurrently in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, Weitz would always chime how much better North High was to West High. And it was pretty much true. North had better facilities, better teachers, a much better principal, and the pizza flips (although essentially the same) were better than West’s pizza flips. Not much has changed in 2011, but the suddenly surging Cookies are starting to get noticed by the league higher ups. In the past few seasons, Weitz’s team has started out hot only to fade badly in the second half. This year, they started with some bumps in the road as quarterback Tony Romo had a bruised left esophagus. Now, it looks like the Cookies are a rampaging juggernaut with one of the league’s best offensive flexes. Weitz said, “I just had to give Tony more options because the guy is such a brilliant offensive mind.” Romo just said, “Hodor!” The quarterback had 13 points and the O-flex did the rest. Brandon Lloyd, a long-time Weitz favorite had ten and Marshawn Lynch had 14. Meanwhile, Johnson tried to pick up the pieces. He stuck a dagger in Weitz’s eye with Laurent Robinson who has become the featured player in the Cowboy offense. Robinson and Matty Ryan have become of the league’s most dangerous duos, but they took all of the energy away from the rest of the team. Johnson, who was still waiting for the stat corrections to amend his loss, said, “Fantasy giveth, Fantasy taketh away. My luck could only hold out so long.”

San Francisco Cubists 77 The Ballbusters 57 – The fall of the Cubists has been a main topic of conversation among Commissioner Tugwell and his cronies. The league sent Owner Jason Moore a battery of tests to determine if he was a sociopath or not. Tugwell desperately wants the marriage of Moore and quarterback Aaron Rodgers to work out even though Rodgers has told media outlets that he just “needs some time to work my thoughts out.” Moore has been such a slave to his work that he “often feels like a hermit now.” Even though he thinks “my beliefs are pretty damn boring” and he said, “I am willing to assume most people are not my enemy.” In society, that assumption would likely do him well, but the boiling cauldron that is the Modano Mi Hermano league, everyone is the enemy, including Owner Rich Joseph who is the prime force behind the Magical Thinking Movement. Joseph, who has long believed that his clothes and sitting position were the main reason behind the Snow Bowl victory, may have a reason why his team “keeps stinking.” Cam Newton looks like a me-first player. He had all-pro numbers, but the rest of the team put up a measly 42 points. Newton is going to have to do some group counseling in the offseason to learn about sharing. Rodgers continued to do what he does best – score. He put up another 22 points and helped the team to just their third win of the season. Moore said, “It would have been more fun to beat the Busters if they were good. But it was nice to have another Chris Johnson sighting.”

Peaks Island Wookies 92 County Coroners 83 – The immortal John Madden is quoted as saying, “In football, you have to have players on the field to make the points, to score the touchdowns, and to win the games. Boom!” There was only one real difference between the Wookies and Coroners – Owner Will Mitchell put a full squad on the field, Owner Chad Nuss did not. Perhaps blinded by his tea’s recent two-game winning streak or the slight hope that his team can draft Andrew Luck next year, Nuss left Denarius Moore in the lineup. The Coroners did get huge games from Sebastian Janakowski (19 points) and Percy Harvin (16), but they made the mistake of concentrating on the Wookie ground game – Mike Tolbert – while allowing the Wookie passing game to flourish. Eli Manning had 22 and threw to Roddy White and Wes Welker relentlessly and ceaselessly. Mitchell also noted that Brian Urlacher’s five points were inspirational, while Vernon Davis made him puke. With the Cubist recent upswing, the Coroners are now threatening to not only take over the basement but to take the points allowed crown away from Moore. The Wookies snapped their six-game losing streak and showed that they can win in the second half of the season.

 

Week 13 Previews – The Herrings still hold a one-game edge, but have to face the surging Cookies in Week 13. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “What did Stoer promise AP to keep him out again?” The Cookies are just 3-10 in previous Week 13’s, while the Herrings have never won in this most unlucky of weeks. The teams started off with big Thursday night performances with LaSean McCoy canceling out Marshawn Lynch. Mitchell’s team took a 20-point win in Week 4 and will go for the sweep. The Busters are the only team on the 44 schedule that has beaten the Syracuse squad. Thus, Owner John Stoer said, “Revenge is not a dish best served cold.  It’s a dish best served immediately and relentlessly!” It is also best served ceaselessly. Vegas has installed the 44’s as 12-point favorites, but they may be more hopeful about C.J. Spiller and BenJarvus Green-Ellis than we are. Cam Newton tends to enjoy beating Syracuse. The Brents are still in third place, two games behind the Herrings. Owner Stevie Johnson said, “Time to crush the Coroners and hope for a new run of luck.” The Brents are already facing a three-point hole behind DeSean Jackson, but Denarius Moore is still in the lineup (but out). The Envy and Wookies meet again. I don’t think either team changed their lineup much. And the Cubists and Call meet for the second time. Owners Rick Heller and Jason Moore used to be friends, but there are no friends on the Modano battlefield. Heller said, “can I stop the Cubist’s run?” I guess a one-game winning streak counts as a one-game winning streak. Moore quipped, “We are 3-9 and we haven’t played the four best teams again yet? Awesome.”

———————————————Dragon Tales is One Annoying Show——————————————