2011 – Week 11

MOORE GOES BALLISTIC

P-Miss Envy 90 San Francisco Cubists 87

Brentless Brents Forever 85 Red Herrings 74

County Coroners 91 Syracuse 44’s 87

Beck & Call 101 The Ballbusters 78

Weaselicious Cookies 117 Peaks Island Wookies 64

Week 12 Previews

P-Miss Envy 90 San Francisco Cubists 87 – It was the aftermath scene of a tornado. Papers with offensive plays were strewn around a small office that is usually neat as a pain. Let me repeat that: neat as a pin. Lying in a corner, buried under file folders and papers was Owner Jason Moore. He was spent. Every ounce of being had been poured out in the mother of all tantrums. It was Hal McRae squared. It was Lee Elia plus Hal McRae squared. Moore had gone completely ballistic upon hearing that his tie against the Envy had been overturned late in the week because of some missing evidence in regards to Paul Posluszny, who had a half sack and a tackle taken away. Moore reviewed the tape and saw the half sack and the tackle. How could the powers that be do this to him? In a season such as this in which his team has completely bottomed out. On Tuesday, Moore made the following statement, “The best part was the unofficial result reporting a win, updated to reflect the tie. Our outstanding D-flex performance deserved better; so did Rodgers, but that is nothing new.” Aaron Rodgers was reportedly seeking other owners/love puppies. Rodgers, who had just scored 25 points, knows when to get gone and he just not received the type of support he had expected. In this week, he got 11 points from some guy named Mike Wiliams and London Fletcher manned up for 16 points, but that was it. Still, it was enough to keep the game close. In fact, Moore thought he had won as Monday night finished up. Derrick Johnson just needed eight points to take the game, but that’s all Johnson had. He left it up to the powers that be, and we all know that the powers that be are corrupt. Owner Perry Missner knows this type of pain. Years ago, his team had lost a win over the Brentless Brents because of a half sack that took five days to “discover.” Missner said, “I’d do almost anything to win, but I didn’t want it to go down that way.” The win wasn’t without pain for the Envy. Jay Cutler finally made an appearance for the team, but left everything on the field, including his thumb, to impress his owner. Missner lamely gave him the gameball, then put him down. LaGarrett Blount and James Laurinaitis had 13 each. Peanut had a dozen. When he had put his pants back on, Moore reportedly assembled his legal team was threatening a class action suit against the powers that be.

Brentless Brents Forever 85 Red Herrings 74 – Oh, that wily Owner Stevie Johnson. Just when you think Brent is dead, he rises up with a Wrangler commercial. When you think you’ve heard the last of Brent, he comes up with a statement that notes he can’t believe Johnson didn’t win more. Johnson can take all of these slings and arrows because his team is vying for a second straight championship. The Brents were able to reap revenge for a Week 2 bushwhacking in which they lost by 58 points against the Herrings. Johnson was sans keepers. Jamaal Charles – broken. Michael Vick – busted. Arian Foster – bye-ed. Johnson gathered the troops and put together a Scorsese worthy plot (well, except for Kundun). He picked Matt Ryan off the street and Matty Ice had 17. It may be time to take Jordy Nelson seriously. The latest white receiver wearing #87 for the Packers is not Scroter. Nelson had another 20 points. Owner Charlie Mitchell had to double Nelson, leaving Tony Gonzalez open for ten. Even Laurent Robinson had another eight points. I am sick of Jordy and Laurent. Johnson gave gameballs all around, “Everyone Man! Woooh Hoo couldn’t have asked for more.” He may have even slipped gameballs to Willis McGahee and Mario Manningham who combined for -2 points for the Herrings. Tom Brady and Victory Cruz combined for 30 points, but it wasn’t enough to offset the damage done. Making matters worse, Adrian Peterson, who was playing in just his second game since sitting himself against the 44’s, hurt his ankle and will be out of action. Johnson said, “Wow.. who could have believed it. And 44′s lost. Lucky Basturd me.”

County Coroners 91 Syracuse 44’s 87 – Way to take all of the suspense out of this recap, Johnson! Well, of course, someone could just read the score and that would pretty much spoil the recap as well. You know who won and it, surprisingly, wasn’t the 44’s. With Drew Brees sitting out because of his combover, Owner John Stoer had to go with backup QB extraordinaire, Alex Smith. Smith actually came through with 18 points and hit Antonio Gates for a TD. That was pretty much the end of the scoring for the 44’s, although the D-flex did a passable job. Patrick Willis earned a gameball for his 15 points. Stoer was not as pleased with Brandon Jacobs, who had a bullet. The Action Jackson brothers tagteamed for the last time and scored nine combined points. Fred Jackson hurt himself and had to be put on the IR. Stoer lamented, “Say it ain’t so, Fred.” Meanwhile, the Coroner lineup was particularly Pam Anderson. There were four double digit performers on top. Usually, the Coroner lineup is Kim Kardasian with a big kicker. Carson Palmer continued to defy critics by playing well. He and Reggie Bush are comeback player of the year type and combined for 27 points. Percy Harvin sledged his way to 11, but it was Rob Gronkowski’s 18 that provided the winning margin. Gronkowski looks like he will a Coroner for many years to come and is the dominant tight end in the game. Stoer, who thought his 44’s would be leading the league again, said, “Damn.  Gronk’ed on Monday night.  What a terrible way to end one week and begin another.  Losing to the Coroners is not a traditional way to win a title.”

Beck & Call 101 The Ballbusters 78 – It is the eternal question that some people do not think be asked. It starts with somebody trying to eat something. It is not to their taste, but they want their opinion confirmed, so they will say to you: “This is terrible. Would you taste it?” What do you say? It is a tough question to answer because you do not want to offend your friend who wants your opinion. Of course, if they really wanted your honest opinion, they would not preface the question by telling you that they think it is terrible. If you are Owner John Stoer, you’d say, “Not in this world or any alternate one either.” That apparently cuts down on the possibilities and indicates that Stoer believes in an alternate reality in which the 44’s have won the championship for 14 years in a row behind James Mungro, Andrew Moten (a converted tight end), and coach Pat Morita. Owner Stevie Johnson would retort, “You taste it!” That strikes me as odd because how would the person know it is terrible unless they already tasted it. Owner Perry Missner, every the contrarian or a person with no taste whatsoever, said, “Sure. Hey, that’s not bad!” Owner Jason Moore wisely said, “No, I trust your judgment.” Finally, Owner Rich Joseph, who is ever so succinct, answered the question with a single word: “Yes.” Joseph also said yes to Cam Newton who had 19 points. Vincent Jackson had another 18, but it wasn’t enough to turn the tide away from the Beck & Call who still have championship aspirations. Starting QB Matthew Stafford figured out who was on his team and threw for 35 points. He handed off excellently to Ray Rice and Cedric Benson, who combined to equal his output. Owner Rick Heller’s team won despite naughts from Brandon Marshall, Fred Davis, and Julius Peppers. That’s good coaching! The ever succinct Joseph just said, “help.” His team has lost six of seven, one of the worst stretches in franchise history.

Weaselicious Cookies 117 Peaks Island Wookies 64 – The league has a very guilty conscience and the truth may never be known. At a recent league meeting, when all of the owners were assembled in the same room, someone ripped a nasty-ass fart. No one commented on it at the time, but when reporters assembled to find if the one who smelt it was the one who dealt it. Only Owner Perry Missner blamed the cat. Owner Rich Joseph, to no one’s surprise, said, “Me.” Owner Stevie Johnson blamed a recent and unfortunate change in his diet, “Sorry, that was me. I have been eating nothing but Fiber One and chili.” Meanwhile, Owner John Stoer said, “Me, definitely me.” Perhaps the league owners need to visit their local gastral enterologist because everyone has been blasting away. While Owner Will Mitchell did not answer the question, the pleased smile on his face indicated that he had farted recently. That and his team is crapping all over the place. Losers of six in a row, the Wookies were not even competitive against the Cookies who put a season high 117 points. Every player that suited up for Owner Dan Weitz’s team scored a TD. Tony Romo continued his onslaught with 27 points. The O-flex went triflexa with Brandon Lloyd picking up a surprise TD and Marshawn Lynch was even more surprising with 11 points. Weitz didn’t even tell Kellen Winslow to rub some dirt on himself after the tight end scored eight points to offset Vernon Davis’ ten. Not much went right for the Wookies. Eli Manning was held to eight and Wes Welker scored uno. The Wookies ended 2009 and 2010 with long losing streaks, but they are on pace to lose their last 12. That’s Ouaou-esque.

Week 12 Previews – Yes, I know Week 12 has already started, but what can one do when school is out. Take what you can get. The league-leading Herrings take on the Beck & Call. The Herrings won in Week 3 by a four-point margin. 18 points from Terrell Suggs? Hmmm… Owner Charlie Mitchell may get his tenth win. To keep pace, the 44’s will have to beat the Envy and the Brents will have to upend the Cookies. Syracuse whomped P-Miss in Week 3 and Owner John Stoer said, “Looks like a pizza with turkey, cranberry, and bacon is in my future for Pizza Week Redux!” That does not sound good. Owner Perry Missner promised to make pizza this time out. He welcomed back Ben Roethlisberger, while Stoer brought back Drew Brees and C.J. Spiller. Owner Stevie Johnson started his winning ways this year with a 107-105 win over the Cookies. Johnson said, “I get a full team back.. but I am just living in the moment.” Laurent Robinson outscored the Cowboy/Cookies already. The Busters and Cubists meet again. Owner Rich Joseph’s team won going away in Week 3. He said, “Help.” Owner Jason Moore retorted acidly, “We look forward to maintaining our league lead in points allowed.” The Busters have an open slot in the  O-flex. One could say the same for the Cubists with Chris Johnson. The Wookies have lost six in a row and the Coroners have won two in a row. Logic would dictate that the Coroners will win, but logic rarely dictates anything around here.

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