2001 – Mock Draft
Posted by modanomihermano on October 16, 2009
Welcome everyone to the August 20th, 2001 draft at historic Kolf Gymnasium on the campus of University of Wisconsin at Oshkosh. We have just flown in with the use of our time machine and will be able to accurately record the first 10 picks of the 2001 drafts before they happen. We are just in time for the first pick. Commission Tugwell, take it away…
Todd Tugwell: With the first pick of the 2001 draft, the Syracuse 44’s select RB Brian Mitchell.
[A shudder goes through the team representatives, the audience and the mass of over-sized humanity in the green room – something is not right – perhaps all of the kinks in the time machine have not been ironed out]
John Stoer: [commenting on his pick] Clearly, Mitchell is one of the most intelligent and fiery individuals in the league. Not only can the 44’s use his immense leadership skills and saavy veteran knowledge, but he should get the majority of the carries when Donovan decides to dish it out. However, the one thing that clinched this pick was Mitchell’s ability to hold onto the ball in money situations. He is my money man!
Todd Tugwell: [Makes his way to the podium and smiles as if he has just seen yet another injury] With the second pick of the 2001 draft, the Brentless Brents select QB Jim McMahon.
Steve Johnson: With my favorite Randy Moss already gone, I had to look for my second pick. My second pick would have Terrell Owens who had that beautiful catch a few years ago to knock the Packers out of the playoffs. With those two gone, I had to reach down into my bag of tricks and lure old Jim McMahon out of retirement. McMahon has the moxy my team sorely needs. And I know all about what he can do. He used to drive me crazy as a member of the Bears who stomped all over my Packers. Then he came near me and joined the Vikings. Oh joy. Finally, I’ll have this rebel with the Brent cause on my side.
Todd Tugwell: [Still smiling] We have a special situation with the Weaselicious Good Cookies. For their years of losing, they have been granted a special dispensation in which they get two draft picks. With the third pick (and third-A pick) of the 2001 Bizarro draft, the Weaselicious Good Cookies select RB’s Terdell Middleton and Eddie Lee Ivory.
[Ah ha, so that is it. Our time machine has made a slight error and we have landed in Bizarro world where everything is bass-ackwards.]
Dan Wietz: Yes! Finally, Emmitt won’t have to carry the load and I can realize my dream of using him as more of a third down back. Like Steve, I had to lure my new picks out of retirement. It was not an easy search to find them either. Finally, they were located at Bart Starr’s Raw Hide Boys ranch where they are participants/counselors. Eddie Lee was always one of my favorites until his cocaine/heroine addictions took him out of the league. And how could I resist a Packer I can actually call turd?!?
Todd Tugwell: [Now wearing a “Dream On” t-shirt] With the fourth pick of the 2001 draft, the Peaks Island Wookies select DL William “The Refrigerator” Perry.
Will Mitchell: I thought long and hard about taking someone having to do with the Big Tuna – Parcells himself, Curtis Martin, even crazy Dave Meggett. But when it came right down to it, my team didn’t need any of those players. What it needed was some big defense, and they don’t come any bigger than the Refrigerator. I contacted him at his home in South Carolina and told him I needed help. We had some troubles with the contract, but if he gets his weight under 450 pounds; he will get a huge signing bonus – all the Big Macs he can eat for a year. The final reason I picked him was that one of my fondest memories is of Super Bowl XX and his fine touchdown.
Todd Tugwell: With the fifth pick of the 2001 draft [Todd stops, looks at his card as if it is not right, summons help then decides just to get on with it], the County Coroners select K Sebastian Janakowski.
Chad Nuss: That’s right, baby! Bizarro or not, I stick with my guns. Sea-bass was a huge success with the County crowd, especially girls 14 and under. As any of you who know Coroner history know, we win on kicking and defense. Well, this year we are going to win on kicking and two Bay area QB’s. Plus, we printed too many preseason posters from 2000 with his image in the middle so we can’t really change them for this year.
Todd Tugwell: For the second half of the first round of the 2001 draft, I turn the proceedings over to Deputy Commissioner … the one and only … the talented … the beautiful … Nel Carter!
Nel Carter: Thanks Todd. With the sixth pick of the 2001 draft, the Walnut Creek Mountain Devils select RB Barry Sanders.
Rob Oauoa: Once an Otter, er, Devil, always a Devil. He’ll come out of retirement this year – you’ll see!!!
Nel Carter: With the seventh pick of the 2001 draft, the P-Miss Envy select QB Brent Farf.
Perry Missner: [chokes, then screams, starts raking at his eyes] Noooooo … noooooo …. Nooooooo [slams himself down on the ground and starts going into convulsions] Nooooooo …. Noooooo …. Noooooo [Gets up awkwardly, runs up to the podium and smashes into the wall] Nooooo …. Noooooo …. Nooooooo [Runs off the podium, does a swan dive and splits his skull wide open. Brain oozes out and Bizarro Perry is no more]
Nel Carter: Clean up on Aisle 3!!!!
[The Kolf Gynasium crew diligently clean up the former Missner mess … see, this is Bizarro land – diligent Kolf crew?!?]
Nel Carter: With the eighth pick of the 2001 draft, Einar’s Luvable Losers select OL Erik Williams.
Steve “the Einar” Olsen: That damn Weasel already has my choice of choices, Emmitt Smith, so I decided to go with the guy that opened the holes for Emmitt. But I did not pick Williams so much for his play as his character. Erik knows all of the strip clubs near every pro stadium and if I needs the hooch, Erik can get for me – wholesale!
Nel Carter: I am starting to see a pattern here. With the ninth pick of the 2001 draft, the Bull City Bears select WR Michael Irvin.
Randy Chambers: I can’t believe you fools let my man Michael slip to the 9th pick. He will immediately become my number one receiver with Marvin and Randy sharing the slot spot. I’d go with three receivers but then I might have to bench my tight end, and that is no-can-do. While Erik Williams is a nice pick, his crimes are mere misdemeanors. Michael outdoes hooch with long white lines and strip clubs?!? Michael be the man to get the hoors. He will not only be my team’s leader, but also the Yeoman Bursar.
Nel Carter: We have come to yet another special dispensation. For their years of winning, the Cubists are given two picks. With the tenth and tenth-A picks of the 2001 draft, the San Francisco Cubists select QB Rick Mirer and OL Tony Mandarich.
Jason Moore: First of all, let me tell you that I did not make this pick just to have two brainless yes-men on my team (although that was a factor). I really believe that this is the year that the heretofore incompetent Rick Mirer prove that he was worth the number two pick in the draft a few years ago. Sure, it looks like he doesn’t have a clue about anything, but he simply hasn’t had the right coaching. As far as pea-brained Mandarich goes, I have overseen his new training regime and his “dietary supplements” have him bulked up to 370 pounds with only 1.5% body fat. Here’s to you, Tony: rattle, rattle!
[We step back into our time machine and relieved to find out that it still works. We are back in normal land where Brent Farf will get his block knocked off this year]
