2009 – Week 7

STOER GETS THE CALL – THREE TEAMS BUILD SEPARATION

Syracuse 44’s (6-1) 87 Peaks Island Wookies (3-3-1) 74
The Ballbusters (6-1) 106 Weaselicious Cookies (3-4) 89
San Francisco Cubists (6-1) Brentful Brents (1-6) 70
County Coroners (2-5) 107 Full of Bull (2-4-1) 81
Red Herrings (3-4) 108 P-Miss Envy (2-5) 86
Week 8 Previews

Syracuse 44’s (6-1) 87 Peaks Island Wookies (3-3-1) 74 – On a Tuesday afternoon, Owner John Stoer was sitting in his den watching the Rockford Files, when he phone rang. Knowing that all of his friends knew this was his time to watch his stories, Stoer assumed it was a telemarketer and almost didn’t answer. Upon impulse, he hit pause on his DVR and answered. A somewhat recognizable female voice asked, “Is this Owner John Stoer?” Hesitantly, Stoer answered in the affirmative. The voice went on, “This is Ami Dolenz. I just happened to be Googling myself and came upon your statements last week.” Stoer was speechless. Dolenz continued, “I know, I know: how Hollywood, how egomaniacal, ego surfing, but I checked my list and found that you were one of six people to order Miracle Beach – the climax of my acting career – and I figured I’d give you a call … hello?” Stoer stammered something that sounded something like Vlade to let Ms. Dolenz know he was still somewhat aware. “Well, the thing is, I was wondering if we could meet. Now, I know what you are thinking: isn’t this storyline similar to one with Owner Dan Weitz and Jennifer Aniston? Well, yes, but Weitz was married and Jen is no Ami Dolenz, as you can well attest. Oh, and if you looked me up on Wikipedia, as I often do, you might see that I am supposedly married. Well, you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia, right? Of course, our meeting is contingent on the 44’s continuing to win because I don’t date losers … hello?” The still stunned Stoer gurgled something that sounded like a cross between “my man stinks” and “after birth.” Dolenz hung up after making an arrangement that the two meet the following Tuesday, if the 44’s could win again. Stoer, who had forgotten all about his TV, ran out of his den, out of house, and called an immediate practice in which he drilled his players as never before. The results were good enough to beat a game Wookies team. Kurt Warner and gameball-earning Adrian Peterson scored 14, while DeMarcus Ware and Nick Folk led the 44 special teams with 13 points apiece. Stoer said he did feel guilty about ‘Starting two Cowboys and winning this week.” Of course, with so much at stake, Stoer might give a small appendage just to keep winning. The Wookies were led by Calvin Pace who scored 25 points, while Brent Celek scored as many points as Bromisnki. The 6-1 start for the 44’s is the best start in franchise history and the five-game winning streak matches the second longest (the team won six straight in 2001). All in all, Stoer – who seemed in a rush to shower and get out of the stadium – said, “Nice balance once again and our luck continues to hold. It didn’t hurt that Randy Moss and Terrell Owens can’t share the same hemisphere much less the same sideline.”

The Ballbusters (6-1) 106 Weaselicious Cookies (3-4) 89 – To win consistently in the Modano league, you need to be either lucky or good. We can now say for certain that the Cookies were lucky to win their first three games. Their luck ran out and the league has subsequently given Owner Dan Weitz a kick to the stomach over the next month. Meanwhile, it may be that Owner Rich Joseph’s team is good. For the last four weeks, they have jumped the 100-point hurdle and they have won six straight for their second longest winning streak in franchise history (they won nine straight in their inaugural season of 2001). Joseph, who can’t name any of the members of The Band, has always had the brilliant play of Peyton Manning to rely upon, but this year he is getting splendid performances from the supporting actors as well. In Week 7, it was DaSean Jackson, who earned a gameball for his 21 points. He and Manning combined for 46 points and jumpstarted the Busters to yet another win. The Cookies, who had lost three straight coming in by blowout proportions, did fight gamely. Weitz has his own QB throwing BB’s. Tony Romo had 30 points and he handed off to Ricky Williams excellently. Williams smoked the Buster defense for 23 points. Williams also took the ball out of Ronnie Brown’s hands, although Brown did have nine points for the Busters. James Harrison also scored 14, but there were a lot of poor performances on the Cookie roster as well. Lance Briggs’ seven points were equal to five of his teammates. Meanwhile, Joseph, who feels guilty about “Not making enough money to support my wife’s spending!” [You can say that again.] got TD’s from Roddy White and Thomas Jones to go along with ten points from Trent Cole on the D-flex. Joseph added that he thought the NFL didn’t allow elaborate TD celebrations because the “brothers get carried away,” which is exactly what Roger Goddell said in his press conference. Can anyone stop the Busters from rolling through the league?

San Francisco Cubists (6-1) Brentful Brents (1-6) 70 – If there is a team, it might be the Cubists. It’s true that the Busters have dealt the one loss to the Cubists and 44’s, but there is an area in which neither owner has come close to Owner Jason Moore: championship experience. As Michael Irvin has stated repeatedly, “before you can win a championship, you have to know how to win a championship” (that and “to win the game you have to score points” in defense of why a team should never take a defensive player over an offensive player – oh, Michael, why can’t I see you on TV more often – stupid cocaine habit). Moore know how to win championships. He has won five of them and if he had his druthers, he’d win his sixth this year. So far, so good as the Cubists pasted another opponent in winning their fourth straight game and fourth blowout win of the year. Moore, who feels guilty about “being two years late on a couple of wedding presents” (or, nine year, almost to the day, as the case may be) tore the heart of the Brentful Brents early by launching Aaron “Duck” Rodgers with 27 points. The Duck quacked his way to his first gameball and set the tone against the Brents who fielded doddering, toothless, imbred, hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf. Farf looked all of his 40 year (one year older than Moore, by the way) in putting up a piddling five points. At halftime, Farf and Owner Steve Johnson were heard to have a shouting match and reports had Johnson renaming his team, the Duckless Ducks. Johnson was pleased by the play of Chad Ochocinco who scored 19. He was backed by Reggie Wayne’s 11, but the once proud Brent running game has disappeared. Johnson said that the NFL did not allow TD celebrations because “It would take away from the witty banter about local food options and the commentators’ favorite network TV plugs. Moore, who has never heard of Geddy Lee, got a solid running performance from DeAngelo Williams and said, ‘The Rodgers-Favre battle worked out for us, and DeAngelo had a nice late TD to give us some breathing room. Posluzny may have earned himself a spot on the team.”

County Coroners (2-5) 107 Full of Bull (2-4-1) 81 – There are many ways of describing Owner Randy Chambers. One good way is single-minded. He generally has his fantasy team, even if he can’t just settle on one name, in contention. This year appears to be a down year in the Bull City cycle and Chambers is single-minded in his blame: it all falls on the tiny feet of one Daniel Snyder. While it is certainly against some law to make fun of a person so small, Chambers has aimed verbal dart after verbal dart at the Redskins owner. A rambling Chambers said, “: Dan Snyder. Dumb-axx forgot that games are won by offensive lines. How else is CP ever going to get in the end zone?!” Of course, Snyder had no influence on several Redskin linemen getting hurt, but that didn’t stop Chambers from noting that the Redskins cut their entire training staff so that they could have a marketing campaign for PSL’s. Chambers was happy with evangelical singer, Amy Grant, who left Vince Gill at home and scored 15 points, a total matched by Drew “MVB” Brees. MVB, by the way, stands for Most Valuable Brees, which Drew most certainly is. His leading, as always, has been suspect. He was outplayed by his replacement in San Diego, Philip Rivers, who left the Coroners with 27 points. In fact, the Bulls were almost completely undone by Charger/Coroners as Owner Chad Nuss has apparently had enough of Al Davis and has switched allegiance to the San Diego Chargers. It was about time. The four Chargoners scored 59 points and Brandon Jacobs woke up long enough to score 12. Kellen Winslow failed to score, but that is nothing new for Coroner tight ends. The Coroners snapped a four-game losing streak and caused Chambers to snap that the NFL rules committee, chaired by one Daniel Snyder, did not allow TD celebrations, “To protect the (white) guys who cannot dance from being shown up.” Chambers, who can’t name a single member of REO Speedwagon (what about Michael Stipe?), said, “Losing to Chad . Can it get worse? Oh, yes. We play the sinking Cookies next.”

Red Herrings (3-4) 108 P-Miss Envy (2-5) 86 – Revenge is a dish best served medium hot with a radish garnish, according to budding Food TV star Matt Schaub. The Envy QB had circled the date of his match against the Herrings when the schedule came out and he seemed particularly stoked about showing up the guy who dumped him on draft day for a measly second round pick. Schaub cooked up another fine game with 20 points and has scored more points than any other player in Modano. Yet, even his best efforts weren’t enough to knock off the Tom Brady-led Herrings, who were coming off a record-tying 161 point performance. Owner Charlie Mitchell refused to let his team get comfortable after the outburst and that seemed to help Marques Colston and Steve Slaton, who combined for 24 points. Wes Welker joined Brady in All-Pro status with 15 and Mitchell noted it was a shame the NFL doesn’t allow TD celebrations because “It’s a shame too because Welker has been perfecting his Ickey Shuffle.” Hard to imagine. Mitchell gave the gameball to Darren Sharper because “In my tenure in this league, I’ve been a defensive disaster. To actually get a big game on defense is really incredible.” It also tweaked fellow owner Perry Missner, who once hated Packers – past and present – but has tried to make amends this year. He shocked the league by drafting Jackie Robinson in the first round and he has gotten pathetic performance after pathetic performance for his trouble. What would Branch Rickey do? Well, we know what Missner is thinking about doing when he shouted, “Damn, Jackie, you don’t want me to take out the switch, do you?” The always quotable Missner also said that the NFL doesn’t allow NFL celebrations because “because they are afraid of the influence of gangs. If a player does something more creative than a simple spike, it means that the gangs have won and our children will instantly resort to slinging crack.” The Envy received nice performances from Cedric Benson, who earned a gameball, and Miles Austin, but Jackie was joined by Matt Forte, Greg Olson, and Pierre Thomas on the dunghill. All in all, the victorious Mitchell said, “Good spirits in Herring Town. It’s a long uphill climb, but we’ll just hike our own hike.”

Week 8 Previews – In league history, three teams have never separated themselves from the competition like the Busters, Cubists, and 44’s have through seven weeks. And none of them are pretenders as they are the top three scoring teams. They continue to circle each other in Week 8 as they all play pretenders rather than contenders. The high scoring Busters face the Envy who have dropped three straight. Owner Rich Joseph said, ‘Watch out Perry…..cough up a c note!” Owner Perry Missner countered, “I think the only guy who can break us out of our losing ways is Jay Cutler. It may seem folly to bench the league’s best quarterback, but much of life is folly. I like Cutler and I think he’ll have a fine time against the Browns. Whether that means he’ll be able to outduel Peyton Manning – well, he’s going to need some help. Jackie?!?” Cedric Benson is on the bye, but T.J. Houshmandzadeh is back. For the Busters, no one on the bye and Brandon Marshall is back in the lineup. The Busters lead the series 6-4 and swept the Envy in 2008. The Cubists play the Wookies in what is usually a taut affair. The Cubists lead the series 11-8, but the Wookies swept in 2008. Owner Jason Moore said, “We always have tough games against the Wookies. We need every one to take it up one more notch.” The Cubists are not affected by byes, but the other Steve Smith is still in the lineup. The Wookies, who may or may not be receiving my emails, will be without Randy Moss, so Sidney Rice is in the lineup. They also need a new kicked and a D-flex player. Owner John Stoer’s hopes of continuing to date Ami Dolenz, star of Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, are dependant on beating the Coroners. The good: the 44’s hold a 13-8 series edge. The bad: The Coroners swept in 2008. The very, very bad: the 44’s have lost nine straight Week 8 games. That can not be a coincidence. Stoer said, “My glaring lack of O-flex depth will be tested this week and the Coroners have proved that they can be a dangerous team capable of putting up big numbers. Not a good week for the Chargers to host the Raiders. I sense much danger.” The 44’s have four offensive player on the bye and are forced to start Lee Evans. Ouch. The Coroners will be without Kellen Winslow, but that may not be a bad thing. The lower ranks have the Full of Bull trying to pull out of tailspin against the flailing Cookies. FoB has a good chance of winning, seeing as they have beaten the Cookies 18 times in 22 tries, including each of the last three meetings. Owner Randy Chambers has some waiver wire work to do. Santonio Holmes and Clinton Portis are on the bye, but are likely to be replaced by Derrick Mason and Jerricho Cotchery. The Cookies need to replace Cadillac Williams and Chris Cooley, but Maurice Jones-Drew is back from the bye. Finally, the resurgent Herrings face the unsurgent Brents, who are in the midst of their second three-game losing streak of the season. The Brents do catch a break as the Herrings will be without Tom Brady. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “Tom’s on a break. Well, Eli, here are the keys. Just keep it on theroad, and get the ball to our midgets.” The Herrings own a 2-1 series edge and swept in 2008. The Brents will be without Chad Ochocinco and it looks like Owner Steve Johnson will keep Brent Farf in the lineup for his return to Lambeau as the enemy. Johnson said, “Thats it. Everything is up for sale. The stadium, lockerrooms, the bingo hall… everything. We have to head back to the streets and work out in some dumpy gym to get our Eye of the Tiger back. Either that or build up some cash to prepare for no fans for years to come. So if I dont keep any Keepers..so I get more draft picks?” No, Steve, you still have to keep LaDainian Tomlinson. Either him, or Beanie Wells, who currently graces the Brent lineup.

——————————–No More Indian Food for Awhile Press—————————————————

2001 – Week 15

BEARS UPSET BY DEVILS – LONGSHANKS TAKES MAJORITY OF THE BLAME

• Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 71 Bull City Bears 64
• San Francisco Cubists 134 Peaks Island Wookies 57
• Syracuse 44’s 78 P-Miss Envy 76
• Einar’s Luvable Losers 105 Inbred Brentful Brents 60
• Weaselicious Cookies 95 County Coroners 59
• Week 16 previewsWalnut Creek Mountain Devils 71 Bull City Bears 64 Funny things happened on the way to the Bears’ 8th blow out win of the season – an injury here, an injury there and a kicker that just doesn’t seem to understand the team concept. Owner Randy Chambers figured that the un-manned Devils would be a piece of cake as most of his games have been lately. So nonchalant was Chambers that he let WR Randy Moss run practice. The problem was that Moss didn’t feel like practicing this week, so there was no practice. Chambers has also had to deal with the injuries to starting QB Daunte Culpepper and RB Jerome Bettis. Some thought Chambers was nutty for picking QB Mark Brunell so early in the August draft, but it was part of the December plan. Brunell did not have a stellar game with only three points, but the back up QB said that he needed all of his runners behind him. Chambers had decided to go with Hines Ward in honor of Commissioner Tugwell’s family relations with the Heinz Corp., but it didn’t work out. Ward scored 0 as did starting TE Desmond Clark. The focus of Chambers’ post game conference was the ineptitude of Seahawks Coach/GM Mike Holmgren and his decision to bench Shaun Alexander for Ricky Watters – never a Chambers favorite. Mr. Randy said, “The gad-awful walrus running the Seahawks is an abomination. What’s the point of drafting a running back and then watching him blossom into an All-pro, if you’re going to sit him down for a creaky, oft-injured, selfish, fumble-prone braggart like Running Mouth Watters? This kind of dissension is killing us in the Bull City! Folks criticize Randy Moss, when all he does is put up All-Pro numbers week after week. They should aim their venom at Holmgren and his stinky QBs and personnel decisions. The man cannot in without Farf or with Watters.” Well said. The Walrus hasn’t done that much winning lately in general and it is so nice to see. Alexander did score a late TD, but it was lost from the bench. Chambers was clearly not in his right mind when he said the way to fix MNF was to replace Dennis Miller with Troy Aikman (not to mention Chambers would rather listen to Aikman than be punched in the groin). Aikman puts me to sleep on Sunday afternoon, just think about Monday night. To better understand the state of mind of Chambers, one has only to look at his own abomination of a game ball choice: K Ryan Longshanks. ‘Shanks did score 10 points, but it was a far cry from the 12 points of back up K Jason Hanson. Some believe it was ‘Shanks idea to bench Michael Barrow for Champ Bailey. The 12 point disparity between the two cost the Bears the win, the 1st place lead and perhaps the championship. It is anyone’s guess why this awful kicker has wormed his way to so much control of the once proud Bears franchise, and his involvement couldn’t come at a worse time – in the middle of the championship chase. The bright spot for the Bears was WR Randy Moss who had his 3rd straight all pro performance with 21 points. The Devils managed a split with the Bears because of the outstanding play of Peyton Manning. Manning scored 3 TD’s and 26 points to set a Devils QB high. Despite the win, Owner Rob Ouaou seems to have been lost in the off-ramp wilderness of Maryland.

  San Francisco Cubists 134 Peaks Island Wookies 57 Unlike the Bears, Owner Jason Moore’s San Francisco Cubists prepared earnestly for the Week 15 tilt with the last place Peaks Island Wookies. According to insiders, the team had a great week of practice and may be peaking just in time to win their 3rd Modano championship. Moore was wary of a late line up change due to the Wookies’ open tight end slot, but at half time Owner Will Mitchell cleared up the missing TE slot. “I have decided, as a tribute to Ben Coates, to leave the tight end slot unmanned for the rest of the season. Let’s face it – Coates and this loud mouth bum Shannon Sharpe are not in the same league. My team was great with Coates and it stinks with Sharpe.” All of the points are true, but it seems a shame to throw in the towel, especially when the first pick of the 2002 draft is already in the Wookies hands. The Wookies didn’t have to worry about trying to be close in this game like they were in the Week 6 95-93 loss. The Cubists scored early and often. Corey Dillon and Dominic Rhodes each had their third all pro performance with 19 and 23 points, respectively. Rhodes helped the Cubist OF to a season high 46 points. RB Ricky Watters had his first live action for the Wookies and scored 14 points before getting hurt and lost for the rest of the season. Moore gave the game ball to Watters in any case and couldn’t find a single player to take issue with. WR Terrell Owens did score just 2 points, a season low, but he is battling a myriad of injuries. The Wookies did get a few TD’s, 2 apiece from QB Jake Plummer (13 points) and Rod Smith (12 points). The Wookie offensive flex only scored 6 points and is easily the worst in the league. Keeper RB Ricky Williams also had an off game and the Wookies now have the worst rated keepers. His keepers have totaled less points than the Devils’ and Rob Ouaou has chosen not to play any keepers for three weeks straight. With the victory easily in hand heading into Monday night, Moore decided to go for the kill shot on Monday against a team that the Cubists previously had a losing record against. Moore said he would fix MNF by “Halftime Jello-wrestling tag team match: Dierdorf and Miller vs the home team’s two hottest cheerleaders.” Yee-yuck. Moore has been contacted by WWF Owner Vince McMahon for more inspirational ideas. The Cubists’ owner also proved he could think outside the box by posing the following recommendation “How about listening to Aikman get punched in the groin?” Aikman would probably even make that sound boring. QB Aaron Brooks came out throwing with 3 TD’s, 20 points and his league-tying high 8th all pro performance. Despite his fine play, Brooks has not been assured of a spot on the Cubists next year. K Jeff Wilkins also had an outstanding 10 points and Sammy Knight contributed his first all pro performance with 16 points as he helped the Cubist DF also set a team record with 34 points. Moore summed the game up thusly, “The team played really well this week it’s hard to single anybody out because the performance was so consistent, but Ricky Watters really gave us a spark until that damn injury. We tried to control the ball this week, and Tony and Terrell were great about sacrificing their stats to stay with the scheme.”

  Syracuse 44’s 78 P-Miss Envy 76 This was what was called the trap game for the 44’s. They could have been easily looking ahead on their schedule to bigger games coming up, but Owner John Stoer knew that a sweep of the P-Miss Envy would do a lot to quell those seemingly unending Biakabatuka nightmares he had been suffering from. Noting that neither Timmy B nor Brian Mitchell was in the Envy line up, Stoer allowed a sigh to escape. Nevertheless, the Envy are a team built for December and they put up some numbers to be reckoned with. Lately, Owner Perry Missner must be impressed with amazing play of QB Steve “Pear” McNair. At the beginning of the season, Missner was considering replacing McNair with rookie QB Michael Vick, but Vick has proved himself to be several years away. Meanwhile McNair might be cementing a keeper slot as he threw for 2 TD’s and 17 points against the hated Packers. It was McNair’s 3rd all pro performance in a row, yet Missner has still not put the keeper checkmark next to his name. One Envy member who does have the mark is RB Anthony Thomas, who was stolen from the 44’s in a trade for Correll Buckholter. Thomas also had his 3rd all pro performance with 17 points. That was about it for the scoring as the usually proud Envy OF scored a season low 6 points. The 44’s were given even, inconspicuous performances across the board. The game ball went to Jason Elam for his 11 points and #1 kicker rating. QB Donovan McNabb also scored 11 points but Stoer took issue with him because “If he’s going to throw three picks against the Skins, he could at least have the decency to lose the game.” Some had thought it was strange that Stoer would start McNabb against the Skins and that was even more pronounced as back up QB Kordell Stewart, who thought he would be starting, scored 26 points. McNabb was the only player to score TD’s for the 44’s. The entire team was led by the awe-inspiring play of LB Warrick Holdman who eclipsed the Urlacher shadow for 14 points. Tiki Barber and Garrison Hearst each netted 7 points all on yards. Stoer came up with easily the best way to improve MNF: “No work on Tuesdays in the fall.” Continuing in the same line, the 44’s owner proved he could think outside the box by posing the following recommendation, “How about a third option: Listening to Troy Aikman getting punched in the groin for three hours.” Aikman would probably find someway to kiss Brent Farf’s pimply butt while getting the whack-a-mole. The Envy had a chance to steal the win on Monday night with Torry Holt only needing 5 lousy points. Holt who had been given a chance to get a keeper tag by winning the game scored 3 even lousier points. The keeper tag has now moved onto Ray Lewis who did score 14. Pear McNair will have to prove himself one more time to his stubborn owner. A happy Stoer commented, “This game accomplished two things I didn’t think possible at the beginning of this year. 1) A victory over the Envy in December. 2) A season sweep of the Envy. Christmas is going to be just a little bit sweeter this year with the foul taste of Biakabatuka now out of our mouths.” Yeah, yeah, yeah – Merry Frickin’ Christmas.

  Einar’s Luvable Losers 105 Inbred Brentful Brents 60 With the Dancin’ Einar’s banishment from the world of boy bands, the wiz kid now has a bit more time to concentrate on other things. His Losers could use the attention. The team was once flying high and in first by itself now found itself two games out of first and in 4th place. All they can do is win and hope other things in the league break for them. Meanwhile, Owner Steve Johnson and his Inbred Brentful Brents hope to reach new heights in their winningest season. The Brents also hoped to sweep the Losers and even the series history. Coming off of a blow out win, the Brents looked to capitalize on a bit of momentum. Unfortunately, Johnson’s Packer-laden line up did not come through for the team. QB Brent Farf stumbled his way to 13 points on 2 TD’s, one of which went to starting WR Bull Scroter who had 11 points. Scrote got the game ball from Johnson because “At least he made an effort.” Even Johnson poured scorn on “The Pack. Todd Bouman rips Tenn apart and the Pack cant do S@$t!!” Oh yes, how nice, how does second place feel – again! The real disappointment came from RB Green A-hole who scored a season low 1 point against the mighty Titan D. The only other Brent TD came from Monday night Joe Horn who has played like the keeper he is of late. TE Byron Chamberlain went back to nothingness, but K Kris Brown kept up the nice play with 9 points. Johnson even had the worst idea for helping MNF, “Get all the announcers from all the games and vote off one a week until your left with Aikman.” Survivor? So played. The Brent DB D had 16 points. Things weren’t much rosier. LB Nate Wayne was unable to play due to an undisclosed injury. One Packer spy said the linebacker had been banging his head the wall for hours on end try to figure out what comes after six. Olindo Mare kept the Einar’s percentage of guessing the right kicker low as he was shut out for the second time this season. Backup K David Akers had 8 points. RB LaDainian Tomlinson continued his second half fade with just 4 points. On the plus side, TE Marcus Pollard had a TD and 12 points to reassume the top tight end spot. WR Marty Booker also had a beautiful TD catch with both feet in bounds. The mediocre play of both teams on Sunday had the game in doubt until Monday. With the Brents holding a 5 point lead, Johnson had to hope that Kurt Warner would start chucking interceptions again and that Joe Horn would score more than 8 points. As we already reported Horn scored 8, which was 50 less than Warner and his favorite receiver of the day, Isaac Bruce. Warner repeatedly gave the cold shoulder to a wide open Torry Holt to hit Bruce for three TD’s. Warner ended up with 35 points to tie his own season high and to resume his status as #1 keeper. Bruce, who has been MIA for most of the season, scored 23 points for his second all pro performance. The Losers have now gone from blow out loss to blow win and vice versa for 4 straight weeks. The Brents have now lost in blow out fashion 5 times. It was also the 5th time the Brents had allowed 100 points and the Losers had scored over the century mark.

  Weaselicious Cookies 95 County Coroners 59 To say not much was at stake in this match up of lower echelon teams would represent the game accurately. Yes, Owner Dan Weitz amended his statement about San Francisco being “too gay” to include the Oakland area, but that didn’t seem to mean as much to Owner Chad G. Nuss. Nuss, in fact, had his mind in Indiana as he only repeated Notre Dame to each of this week’s interview. What’s with Notre Dame? Perhaps he was thinking about the recent rumors of Raiders Coach Jon Gruden going to the Golden Domers. Or perhaps he was thinking about WR Tim Brown who scored 0 points to tie the team low at WR for third time. Whatever, Nuss was thinking he is going to need three straight wins to maintain the 8-9 Coroner standard that the team has settled for the last three seasons. The Coroners did not receiver much Raider love as only Rich Gannon and Geriatric Rice hooked up for the only TD. Gannon ended up with a low 10 and Rice cooked up another 12. The only other highlight for the Coroners is the rising star of DB Rodney Harrison who scored another 10 points and is now the second rated DB in the land. Cam Cleeland also broke out with a point on Monday night. The Cookies are looking to unchartered waters in the next three weeks. Weitz’s team has never won more than 6 games so another win could put 2001 as a banner year. Weitz made another gutsy QB move by signing and playing QB Todd Bouman who helped himself to an all pro performance on 16 points before hurting his thumb. Weitz, a one time Troy Aikman backer, did not care for the groin comparison, but added, “is he calling a pecker game? that has a lot of bearing on my choice cause I like my groin.” Decisions, decisions. RB Emmitt Smith finally returned the line up but was only able to manage 2 points. If Smith ever does break Walter Payton’s record, it is clear that he will do it with little to no dignity. Super Joe Nedney chipped in 5 glorious points against the Packers in the Titan win. Weitz gave the game ball to LB Jamir Miller who had his third all pro performance and 22 points. Miller is now the top ranked LB. WR Amani Toomer had a TD, but the Cookie WR slot is still the worst rated in the league. On Monday night, Weitz decided that it was time for his team have their first blow out win. RB Marshall Faulk ran for a TD and scored 12 points and Willie Jackson had 16 points for his first all pro performance. Speaking of MNF, Weitz said he would improve it by “never put the Peckers on monday night and have the cheerleaders strip at halftime.” And if Jennifer Aniston were one of those cheerleaders… The Cookies managed the split with the Coroners and their first blowout win (against three losses). Weitz was clearly thinking of Nuss and his Raider madness when he commented on the win, “It’s monday and the game is OVER now thats confidence. Just Win BABY.” Weitz proceded to strut around then commented on fantasy basketball by laughing at the Einar who lost his first place standing in more than a month. Then, Weitz had more nasty things to say about Perry Missner’s team whose team is not doing well, but still better than Einar can’t Lose team.

  Week 16 previews – Finally, the week has come that will show which team wants the 2001 Modano championship. We will separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys and the cream from the crap. All of the teams at the top of the standings meet and Week 16 will go a long way to determine how history looks at the 2001 season. The top game has the San Francisco Cubists looking to show the Bull City Bears how championships are won. There seems to be little animosity between the two teams whose owners tried to show that respect is apparent. Bears’ Owner Randy Chambers said, “This is how it should be. We’ve gotta beat the best to be the best. We know it’s gonna be tough, but just like the Bulls had to exorcise the Bad Boy demons to become Champs, we’ve got to knock of the Cubists (and 44s) to earn the title. We have the greatest respect for Jamo, (and Sto’s) club(s). This is what December is all about!” Chambers is glad to have Shaun Alexander back in the line up and doubly glad he doesn’t have to see Ricky Watters. QB Michael Barrow also returns for the Bears. Daunte Culpepper and RB Jerome Bettis are still hurting and won’t be seen this week. The Cubists, who hold a 5-2 series advantage, are trying to avenge the serious 97-69 butt-whupping they took in Week 7. Owner Jason Moore said, “The Bears are the best team in the league, and they are going to be angry. We have a huge amount of respect for their entire roster… it seems like half their players have contributed to a Cubist championship. On our side, Terrell Owens is still fighting several injuries, but we know he’s excited to step on the field against Randy Moss.” Moore is trying to find the right combinations in the OF by overturning the entire flex. He has Dominic Rhodes as his starting RB and returns Mack, Dunn and Troy Brown to the flex line up. The next best match up has the 10 win 44’s against the 9 win Losers. The 44’s took first place away from the Losers with a 89-69 win in Week 7, but the Losers lead the series 2-1. Owner John Stoer, who has to do without #1 K Jason Elam for the first time this season and goes with K John Hall, welcomes back Wesley Walls to the line up. Stoer said, “The Rams are playing the Panthers?? Oy vey. And, yes, I will be doing a little scoreboard watching to see how things are progressing down in Bull City.” He had some thoughts on some other subjects that he thought he would like to mention, “Lastly, this has nothing to do with anything, but I’ve come to the conclusion that Ricki Watters and Terri Glenn are, in fact, both women which helps explain why they continue to play and act like total pussies.” Excellent points, but you forgot to mention Brenti Farfi and Antonia Freekwoman. We won’t even mention Bull Scroter for his indeterminate sex. Always an interesting match is the pairing of the Envy and Brents. The Week 7 104-55 squash by the Envy left Owner Steve Johnson nearly speechless for the only time this season. Johnson chanted, “Must defeat Missner! Must defeat Missner!” When told of the upcoming schedule. Missner goes with the tried and true Farf-buster Joey Galloway in the line up. He always beats Farf even if he doesn’t contribute. Johnson introduces the league to Chad Scott and welcomes back Michael Pittsman. The Envy lead the series 3-1. As we drop lower on the standings, we noticed the match up of the Cookies and Devils. Both teams had losing records in Week 7 and that trend continues. As mentioned before, the Cookies hope to get their 7th win for the first time in any season. A .500 record is still a possibility. Neither team has changed their line up yet, but we must remember that the Devils are 1-1 when they have bye-players in their line up like Michael Anderson is this week. The Devils won in Week 7, 76-58, and the series is tied 2-2. Maryland State Police are combing the forests and calling out “Ouaou.” Finally, in the battle of who could care less, we have the woeful Wookies against the flat-lining Coroners. At least Owner Chad G. Nuss has changed his line up for the match up – taking out Ike Hilliard and Deltha O’Neal and replacing them with William Thomas and Derrick Alexander. While we can applaud Owner Will Mitchell for trying to show respect for Ben Coates, but going without a WR with Rod Smith on the bye is a bit much. The Coroners won in Week 7, 80-57 and lead the series 4-1

  —————————-One to Bind Them All Press—————————————————
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2009 – Week 2

CUBISTS SERVE NOTICE, DEMOLISH HERRINGS IN RECORD FASHION

San Francisco Cubists 159 Red Herrings 58
Weaselicious Cookies 66 Brentless Brents 63
Wookies 77 Full of Bull 77
Ballbusters 111 Syracuse 44’s 76
County Coroners 72 P-Miss Envy
70
Week 3 Previews

San Francisco Cubists 159 Red
Herrings 58 – In Week 1, Owner Jason Moore served notice to the west coast that
he was now California’s
Daddy. In Week 2, he set his sights a bit broader and let the world know that
Daddy resides in San Francisco.
Moore pushed his team through a grueling week of practice, despite their Week 1
win and the team hummed with the precision of a fine German automobile (or in
German, “Flreuvenhachchken”). The
Herrings did their best not to be embarrassed by the onslaught, but it was hard
for even Owner Charlie Mitchell not to be impressed by the efficiency and
ruthlessness that the Cubists, who have never lost to the Herrings (4-0), displayed.
It started with a double shot of Johnson. WR Andre redeemed himself for his
coach’s doghouse by scoring 21 points but that total was good for just third on
the squad. RB Chris had the finest day of his career with three long TD scores
and 36 points. Frank Gore continued to love to play for the hometeam and scored
27 points. DeAngelo Williams found the endzone and Aaron Rodgers directed the
attack with 16 points. Moore gave gameballs to the entire offense and gave credit to his summer preparing
his team rather than watching baseball (of which he said, “About 8 hours total,
including one game in person.”) Lack of focus may be hurting the Herrings, much
like Mitchell’s baseball viewing habits, “I have watched parts of a couple
dozen games, and listened to many more, but I don’t believe I’ve sat and
watched an entire televised game.” You have to watch the entire game, Charlie
or else you are just reading a chapter out of a random book! The Herrings were
led by Marques Colston who had an All-Pro day of 18 points, but only Cadillac
Williams had more than nine points (or equal to the total of the lowest scoring
offensive player for the Cubists, Dwayne Bowe). Mitchell seemed especially put out by Steve
Slaton, who scored just three points, and said his keeper RB “looked like he
was in a coma.” The 101-point whipping was the largest margin of victory in
Modano history (eclipsing the 97-point shellacking Bull City put on the Coroners a few years ago). The Cubists, who are 2-0 for the first
time since 2005, did not break the all-time scoring record, however, as Bull
City once scored 161 points on opening week of 2004. They did set the team
record which had previously been 151 points, set way back in 2000. D’Qwell Jackson scored just two
points and took the blame for the lack of a record. He was promptly cut. A
downcast Mitchell predicted Brent Farf would play just one more year (Moore concurred) and
said, “Two weeks in a row we’ve given up the most points in the league. Was this
some sort of record this week? We made Chris Johnson look like Adrian Peterson.” Moore,
on the other hand, was so jubilant that he took himself on a midseason vacation
to Paris. From
the City of Lights,
he said, “Wow. That’s the kind of offensive execution we talk about, but rarely
achieve. This gets my vacation off to a great start.” He then asked for some
butter in a recreation of The Last Tango in his new city.

Weaselicious Cookies 66 Brentless Brents 63 – People who
know Owner Steve Johnson know that he takes a long time to get up in the
morning. He generally hits the snooze button 5-7 times and then pads his way
around the house haphazardly. By the time he has his fourth cup of coffee, he
becomes similar to the amiable person we all know and endear. Unfortunately, it
looks like his Brents have taken on the rituals of their owner. For the third
consecutive year, the Brents are off to an 0-2 start. The old guard of Brent
backs is just not getting the job done. Although the trio of LaDainian
Tomlinson, Joseph Addai, and Steven Jackson provided the team’s only
championship, they combined for nine points (with Tomlinson sitting out)
against the Cookies. Meanwhile, Dan Weitz closed his doors to the media, but
did present a written statement that could be summed up in four words: “North
rules, West drools.” [The statement was quite a bit longer than that, but to
spare you the ravings of a madman, we have summarized.] Still angered by a
perceived betrayal from his former friend, Weitz lashed out at his players. He
rode Marion Barber until he broke. Barber did score 16 points before ripping
his quad in half, but Weitz denigrated his manhood nevertheless for leaving the
game. Kevin Walter was unable to play because of lacerations taken during an unorthodox
practice drill that used razor wire, but Weitz called him a pansy as well. Lance
Briggs and James Harrison manned up and combined for 17 points, which was
enough to give the Cookies a solid lead. It also helped that for the second straight
week, Johnson broke his QB’s ribs in a mistimed high five attempt. Johnson
noted wryly, “2 weeks, 2 broken QBs. Maybe I can go 3 for 3.” Offers to the 44’s
for a certain QB went unheeded (Johnson did note on Farf, “He will get injured
this year and not want to do any rehab. This is it.” Yeah, sure.) On the plus
side, Johnson said, “Found a kicker who can actually do me some good” Lawrence
Tynes went All-Pro with 15 points. Chad Ochocinco also had 12 points, but the
Brents were unable to seal the deal on Monday night. Johnson moaned, “Again it
comes down to Monday night, but this time I have 2 players to rally me to
victory. I only need 7 points. What are the odds they can’t get ……
Doooohhhhh!”

Wookies 77 Full of Bull 77 – Owner Randy Chambers has made
many pronouncements over the years. Things we can discern from these comments
include his love for the Redskins, his disdain for the Cowboys, and his belief
that when Bob Dylan does his inevitable Michael Jackson tribute, he should sing
Thriller. All of this aside, Chambers has never said truer words than he did in
the wee hours of Monday night in three simple sentences: “I love my sister. I
love being undefeated. I hate ties.” So true, in fact, that league
representatives immediately emailed Yahoo Fantasy Sports to demand a
tie-breaking system be installed. Nevertheless, for the first time since 2006,
two teams ended the game with the same score and had to be satisfied with a
tie. On the plus side, neither the Bulls nor Wookies have lost, but a tie is
just so unsatisfying. It’s almost as lame as if two teams had chosen the exact
same helmet to represent them. Each team did have some highlights. The Bulls
were led by Drew Brees who had another fine day with 25 points. Brees has 69 points in two games. Chambers
refers to him simply as MVB. Michael Turner also ran for double digits and
James Farrior led the defense with eight. Owner Will Mitchell’s team came to
their 77 points via 22 points from Matt Ryan and TD’s from Calvin Johnson and Terrell
Owens. K Stephen Gostkowski equaled expectations with ten points as well. There
were so not so great moments as well. Santana Moss earned an evil eye for his
negative performance. Chambers exclaimed, “Mini-Moss. -1 for a WR? Come on!”
Mini-Moss sheepishly retorted that at least the Redskins won. Maxi-Moss only
had two points for the Wookies and the defense combined for nine. The Bulls
could be especially upset because they have ruled this series and now hold a
13-5-1 lead. Chambers summed things up with the following quote, “I only
watched 7 minutes of baseball, but only by mistake when I fell asleep and
baseball came on before I woke up. Then I fell asleep again.”

Ballbusters 111 Syracuse 44’s 76 – Owner Rich Joseph takes pride in his
craftsmanship. He especially proud of his past record in fantasy baseball, a
game that takes some sticktoitniveness unlike this fluky once a week sport.
This has been a down year for the Gapshots of the Shrewsbury Keeper League, so
Joseph had to take his frustrations out on one of the leaders of that league, the Syracuse 44’s.
In fact, the Busters have routinely dusted the 44’s and now hold a 9-3 series
lead. Owner John Stoer, who spent 100+ hours watching baseball this summer (only
to be beaten again by Joseph who watched exactly 223 hours), had some moments
from his team. His draft day hookup of Kurt Warner-to-Larry Fitzgerald came
through with a Pacific Avenue TD and combined for 28 points while All Day
Adrian Peterson had another ten. Stoer said that he would like to dedicate a
Dylan cover of ‘My Life Would Suck Without You’ by Kelly
Clarkson to Peterson. After that, the pickings got slim. Hines
Ward, “who is on a short leash,” had just three
points and he was equaled by Michael Bush. Osi Umenyiora did not score his name
on the Scrabble board. From the 44 bench, Willis McGahee formed the shape of a
TD-maker and scored 17 meaningless points. 44-castoff Ronnie Brown burnt his
old team for 21 points and gameball-earning DeSean Jackson had 13 points.
Karlos Dansby had 12 for the defense (just one less than the vaunted 44 flex)
and Peyton Manning had the coup de grace with 22 points, moving the game into
blowout territory. Joseph put his
thoughts into a succinct phrase, “We love to beat the 44′s!” A downcast Stoer
said, “It wouldn’t be Modano if my D didn’t get shredded every other week [The
44’s gave up triple-digits six times last year.]. We played well enough
to beat a lot of teams this week, but not Rich’s powerhouse Busters, who have
now beaten the 44’s four straight times.

County Coroners 72 P-Miss Envy
70 – Something happens to a person when their team opens the season with
consecutive losses to the Cookies and Coroners (historically, the two worst
teams in the league). We’ll let Owner Perry Missner described this in his own
words, “I was coming home from the store with my girls and Devy had the radio
on. All of the sudden, Night Moves from Bob Seger came on and it seemed like the perfect song for Bob Dylan to sing. So, to everyone’s annoyance, that’s just what I did. Hey, it made me
laugh.” It’s little wonder he has had so little success in this league when his
mind is prone to such silliness. Of course, when one keeps Matt Schaub on the
bench for a career day (35 points), one has to do certain things to compensate.
In fact, the benches of these two teams were more competitive than the
starters. Missner left 68 points on his bench, but was outdone even there by
the impressive Coroner bench which tallied 71 points. Have the two benches ever
combined for more points than the starters? Happily, we’ll never know.. Despite
the miscues in coaching, the two owners made some right decisions. Without a
tight end on the bench, Owner Chad Nuss was forced to play Kellen Winslow who
scored 13. Steve Smith had nine and game-ball earning Greg Ellis tied Winslow for
the team lead. The Envy was led by Jay Cutler, who salvaged Missner’s pride by
scoring 19, but no other Envy member made it into the endzone. Jackie Robinson
was again singled out for abuse. Missner screamed, “If you’re going to play,
Jackie, you had better do something to show us you belong on the team.” Nuss
said that his summer watching the pastoral game of baseball really helped him.
He noted with mathematical precision “I’ve
watched 17 games x 3
hours = 51 hours + 25 TV Hours = 76 hours.” The present and future looked grim
for Missner and he predicted Brent Farf would play until he was “45. Five more
years unless he suffers a catastrophic injury, like a piano falling on his head.”
Hey, that’s not a bad image. Nuss gave the quote of the lockerroom period with,
“I can’t believe I beat you with JaMarcus. Horrible coaching move on my part,
but squeaked through!”

Week 3 Previews – The league is an unusual state with four
teams without a loss. The Cubists have scored 48 more points than any other
team through two weeks. They face the Busters who swept San Francisco in 2008 and hold a 7-4 edge. From
atop the Eiffel Tower, Moore called
in, “The Ballbusters are tough–Manning and Gonzalez are two of the best in the
league at their positions. We will need to continue to execute and step up the
D..” According to Moose Johnston, execution is a key aspect of winning in the
National Football League. There are only three teams without a win and two of
them meet in Week 3. So, unless there is another tie, either the Brents or Envy
will have their first win. The Brents currently control the series with a 12-6
lead and three straight wins. Owner Steve Johnson said, “Battle for the basement! Perry and I fight it
out with teams that just can’t win. Who will do worse?” Good question. The
Brents have won three straight Week 3 battles, so each of the last three years,
their record has been 1-2 after three weeks. Meanwhile, the Envy have lost
three straight Week 3’s and Missner said, “I don’t know who we play, but they
are going to be dealing with an angry bunch of crazed dogs. Or possibly a crazy
bunch of angry dogs.
Either way, we are scoring some TD’s and they are going to be in bunches.” Way
to look at the schedule, dumbass, it’s only your arch enemy. The Cookies opened
2008 with three straight wins and they are vying to do it again in 2009. They
have only allowed 64 ppg in their first two contests, but will be tested by the
similar sounding Wookies, who have beaten them three straight times and have a
11-8 series edge. These two owners were the only two not to open their
lockerrooms to the media in Week 2. The Wookies were collectively going through
Step 2 of their 12-step program which was entitled “shun everyone because you
are superior.” The last undefeated team, the reigning champion Full of Bull,
gets to face their rival, the 44’s. Actually, these meetings can no longer be
considered a rivalry because FoB has routinely decimated Syracuse, who hasn’t beaten their fellow
Sidwell Friend since 2004, a run of six straight games. Owner John Stoer noted,
“Peyton last week, Brees this week, it doesn’t get any easier for the D.
I also expect Turner and Portis to break out of their funk. We could be
in trouble unless Jesus Saves!”
Yes, please, Mr. Jesus, take some time to help the 44’s. The acronym loving Owner
Randy Chambers reflected, “. Time for someone other than MVB to bring it.
Otherwise, it will be a wasted season from the MVB.” LOL … WTF. Finally, it what should be a very even match
up, the Coroners and Herrings face off. The Coroners have scored 140 points
through two games and the Herrings have put up 142. Owner Charlie Mitchell said,
“0-2…already in crisis mode. In Tom we trust. Time to save our season, buddy.”
Brady took offense because he prefers to be referred to as Your Royal Highness
of Football, not “buddy.” Owner Chad Nuss went out and signed Mario Manningham
and Charles Woodson in an effort to take a 3-2 series lead.

———————————–Sigh …
Press—————————————

2009 – Week 6

HERRINGS EXPLODE, LEAVE COOKIES IN A MESS

Red Herrings (2-4) 161 Weaselicious Cookies (3-3) 73
The Ballbusters (5-1) 115 Full of Bull (2-3-1) 93
Syracuse 44’s (5-1) 97 Brentful Brents (1-5) 66
San Francisco Cubists (5-1) P-Miss Envy (2-4) 96
Peaks Island Wookies (3-2-1) 89 County Coroners (1-5) 66
Week Seven Previews

Red Herrings (2-4) 161 Weaselicious Cookies (3-3) 73 – Could it be that for the first five weeks of the season the Red Herrings were just snookering us in, making themselves look semi-incompetent, and showing nothing for Owner Charlie Mitchell? It could be, but in Week 6 it was time for Mitchell to loose the hounds and the Herrings put together a record-tying performance in setting the Cookies’ season with another log on the pyre. It all started with Tom Brady playing in the snow. The Herrings QB, who spent his record breaking season toiling away from the Cookies in 2007, threw for 48 points and earned some rare praise from Mitchell, who said, “Well, Tom may have finally shaken off the rust, and the rest of my tiny guys (Slaton, Rice and Welker) all did well. I believe Brady outscored the entire Coroners team.” When you’re amassing record numbers of points it doesn’t really matter if you don’t know who you are playing. Ray Rice and Wes Welker each had 20+ points from the O-flex and Marques Colston had the fourth all-pro performance with 17. Speaking of tiny guys, Maurice Jones-Drew did his best against the Herring onslaught and scored 26 points, but his two Cookie O-flex mates scored a single point and Antoine Winfield hurt himself to save the embarrassment of being on the same field as a team that was blown out by 88 points. Mitchell, whose leadership style has been compared to a strange amalgam of “Al Michaels, Neil Young, Grace Kelly and Tonya Harding” only receiver 13 points from his D-flex otherwise the all-time record (also set against the Cookies by the Bull City team) would have been his by his lonesome. As for the Cookies, something has gone terribly wrong. In the first three weeks of the season, the Cookies only allowed 58 points per contest, but they have now allowed 127.7 points over the last three weeks. Weitz blamed Donald Trump and that “damn squirrel on his head.” Mitchell summed his great week up by noting, “That’s more like it. While 161 may be an aberration (and my address number, coincidentally) we definitely expected to be a competitive team with Brady on board. Last week’s loss to a Jason Campbell led team hopefully represented our nadir and this is the beginning of our rise.” He then whispered, “I actually think Jeter is a good player. God that sounds gross to say.”

The Ballbusters (5-1) 115 Full of Bull (2-3-1) 93 – Owner Rich Joseph has a secret. Well, at least he thinks it’s a secret, but it is also something pretty much everyone knows about him: “I love fantasy sports,” he declared. And the 2009 season has brought Joseph even more reason to love it. The Busters are rolling like nobody’s business and even the one-game suspension of QB Peyton Manning couldn’t stop this growing force. Owner Randy Chambers, whose birthday is the same day that Bob Marley died, put all of his team’s eggs in one basket and hoped that basket was enough to batter the Busters. It wasn’t. Drew Brees did everything he could and scored 36 points, but more often than not he scored his points at his teammates expense. For example, just as Clinton Portis was about to score an easy TD, Brees stripped the ball from him and took the points himself. What kind of teammate is that? While the all-Brees, all-the-time attack didn’t work for the Bulls, Joseph had his Manning-less team concentrating on the ground game and defense. Gameball winning RB Thomas Jones broke out of a slump and scored 21 points, while the Busters D-flex combined for 41 points (or 31 more points than their Bull compatriots to lead the day). Speaking of days, Chambers’ doesn’t like honoring our fallen soldiers with Veteran’s Day, “Veteran’s Day. I mean really, it celebrates the armistice ending World War I, which was so effective that it blew up into World War II. Plus, it’s a mid-week day in November, and U.S. involvement was so limited that it’s hard figure why it’s a U.S. holiday. Technically, what’s the difference between Memorial Day, where we salute our soldiers, and Veteran’s Day?” Hey, it’s a day off – why quibble about technicalities? Of course, Chambers is also harboring a secret, “I like Jerry Jones more than Dan Snyder.” Who knew there was a difference? In the end, the Busters raised their record in Week 6’s to 6-1 and have now won five straight games for the first time since 2007. Joseph said, “Keepin’ up the “C” Notes!” which happens to be the name of his band with himself as lead vocals, Stephen King on lead guitar, Bill Murray on bass, and Faith Hill on drums. As for Chambers, he was making a managerial change to fix things, “I’m replacing myself as signal caller with my daughter’s pet guinea pig, Oreo. No one ever gets in the end zone under my schemes. Or stops anyone.”

Syracuse 44’s (5-1) 97 Brentful Brents (1-5) 66 – For the past few years, all of Owner John Stoer’s friends and relatives have seemingly had one mission in mind: to get the long time bachelor to find a lady and settle down. He has been set up on literally hundreds of blind dates, double dates, dirt dates, and other kinds of dates, but no matter how promisingly things start out with the young lass, they always come together in some typically romantic comedy way. Some people had conjectured that Stoer simply didn’t have the confidence to make it work over the long haul because his fantasy football team was always stumbling and bumbling. This year things seem different for the 44’s. Stoer seems to have a clearer mind and a greater purpose. He seems to have figured things out and has helped steer the 44’s to a 5-1 start, their best since 2001. For once, Stoer knows that he wants and he might just have the stroke to get it. When asked what the difference this season is, Stoer stated purposefully, “I am hopelessly in love with Miracle Beach star Ami Dolenz.” For years, it was a hard thing for Stoer to talk about because even the thought of Ms. Dolenz, with whom he almost shares a birthday, would cause Stoer (who in the past thought Valentine’s Day was a bunch of hooey) to blush and say, “Hummanah, hummanah.” With his team rolling, he now can tell the world how he feels. In Week 6, the 44’s stomped the Brents using a balanced attack. General Kurt Warner had 15 points and hooked up with Larry Fitzgerald for another 13. Hines Ward earned the gameball for his 16 and All Day Adrian Peterson had another ten points. Stoer was also proud of his opponent for breaking new ground in the Modano era, “It’s always nice to get a win against Steve and the Bretts, but I want to applaud him for his bold decision to break the gender barrier in Modano football by starting Elizabeth Hasselbeck at QB. Sure, she looked a bit timid out there and didn’t have the best of games, but every important social movement needs a first step and Steve ought to be proud of himself for his courageous…wait, what? That wasn’t Elizabeth Hasselbeck? Who the hell was that then?” It might as well have been Rosie O’Donnell’s sparring partner. Owner Steve Johnson left his team’s namesake and Joe Flacco on the bench to combine for 51 useless points. Johnson lamented, “Pathetic, through and through. I guess I will let Missner use his helmets to pick my QBs from now on as I have no clue.”

San Francisco Cubists (5-1) P-Miss Envy (2-4) 96 – What Stoer is starting to enjoy is something that Cubist Owner Jason Moore knows very well. No, not bachelorhood, but the feeling of winning continuously. No owner has reveled in more Modano championship glory than the Cubists and the 2009 edition is starting to look like it could be the pick for six. In Week 6, his team faced old nemesis Owner Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy. Missner had boldly guaranteed victory in the week before, but his team has never won after he guaranteed victory. The Envy did come out throwing and Matt Schaub continued to play excellently. He had 34 points and earned a gameball from Missner who said, “Matt Schaub has been terrific. I am always tempted to put Cutler in (just because I like him), but since Week 1 Schaub has been a force.” The Envy also received nice play from the D-flex (30 points) and TD’s from Greg Olsen and Cedric Benson. Missner, however, was not pleased by a particular wide receiver. He shouted, “JACKIE?!? It’s a good thing he is cleaning my house and darning my socks because I haven’t seen what all of the preseason fuss is about. Now, Jackie, serve my lemonade!” Missner who shares a birthday with Harry Caray and Mark Paul Gosselar told the media a seldom heard truth related to Gosselar, “To be honest, I never really liked Saved by the Bell . I watched it because I thought everyone was watching, but it always seemed kind of formulaic to me.” Speaking of formulas, the Cubists seem to have their numbers aligned. No, Duck Rodgers did not have his projected 24 points, but he did score 17 and threw two TD balls to replacement tight end Visanthe Shiancoe whose 15 points were enough to carry the victory. DeAngelo Williams led the team with 23 points. The Cubists, at 5-1, are off to their best start since 2000 when they won their first eight games of the season. The Envy also started 2008 2-4 before closing at 9-8. Missner, whose least favorite holiday is “Uh, National Lickspittle Day – er, National Boss Day. Thanks a lot for not firing my ass!” said, “We’ve been unlucky the last two weeks and have allowed 100+ in each week. If only Brian Urlacher were alive, this would kill him. The Cubists just scored a lot of TD’s and we quite able to keep up. It’s mostly Jackie’s fault. Now, Jackie, do that dance I like so much.”

Peaks Island Wookies (3-2-1) 89 County Coroners (1-5) 66 – [to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies]

Now this here’s a story about a man named Will

Poor geographer who never drank swill

One day he was swapping joints with Mooooooooooossssss

And before you even knew it, another Coroner loss

Blow out, that is, or nearly

Well the first thing you know old Will’s above five hundred

And his team was Carson Palmer led

As for the Coroners, let’s take a little peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak

What do you know, another long streak.

Losing, that is. Four in a row.

So, the moral of the story is submit an interview

Or the writer of these recaps might have to be rather cruel

He’s running out of ideas, stuck within in the miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire

Maybe it’s time for him to retire.

Like Farf, that is. Or maybe not.

Week Seven Previews – The triumvirate continues. The Busters, Cubists, and 44’s have separated from the pack and hold a 1.5 game lead over the fourth place team, the Wookies who face Syracuse . Although Owner Will Mitchell’s team is just 2-8 in Week 7’s, they do hold a 11-7 series edge over the 44’s and have won three of the last four. Owner John Stoer said, “Here come the Wookies. Hopefully all the second hand ganja will help Donovan feel no pain this week so I can get him in the lineup.” The 44’s have a four-game winning streak and currently have McNabb and Larry Johnson in, while the are without their Lions and are giving Sidney Rice a shot. The league’s hottest team, the Busters winners of five straight, take on the coldest team, the Cookies, who have dropped three straight all by blowout. Owner Rich Joseph said, “Time to eat some Cookies!” The Cookies actually hold a 7-5 edge and have won three of the last four. The Busters are without Brandon Marshall, but Steve Breaston makes his return to the lineup. The Cookies will welcome back all of their Cowboys, but Maurice Jones-Drew will likely take a seat. The Cubists look to keep pace against the floundering Brents. Owner Steve Johnson may need to hoist old Farfy bones into the lineup to give his team some demented life. Since Farf is the only Brent QB not on the bye, it would seem that the choice was easy. As for the Cubists who hold a 13-6 edge in the series and have won the last three meetings, they will be without Chris Johnson and Knowshon Moreno, but Frank Gore returns from his injury. Owner Jason Moore has not named a replacement for Ray Lewis yet, but whoever replaces Visanthe Shiancoe on the roster should be that man. The undercard features four teams that are under .500. After their record tying performance, the Herrings would like to keep the good times rolling against the Envy. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “Well, there seems to be a wide open competition for 4th place and we
plan to grab it soon. Oh, my showdown with the spurned Schaub! Should be fun.” Schaub was unceremoniously dumped by the Herrings when Tom Brady became available. Owner Perry Missner, whose team swept the series in 2008 and holds a 3-1 series edge, said, “What’s that old saying – out of the frying pan and into the incinerator? I think it is unlikely that the Herrings will score 150+ plus again (that’s about as likely as Miles Austin going off again) and Matt Schaub wants revenge against that ponce. We’ve scored 89 points in each of the last four weeks, so we are going to start winning again soon.” T.J. Houshmandzadeh sits for the Envy, while the Herrings lets Ray Rice cook. Lastly, the Bull stake on the Coroners. Although Owner Randy Chambers’ team has a 15-7 series edge, the teams have split in each of the last five seasons. Chambers said, “Well, well, well. Thank goodness we get to play Chad twice this year. At least we’ll have more wins than the Deadskins.” Er, he had been not count his chickens before they’ve hatched. The Coroners have a full complement of players and still have Tim Hightower in the starting lineup, while FoB has Derrick Mason on the bench and Raider Zach Miller as their tight end.

———————– We Made the Problem, We Solved the Problem, We Made the Problem, Hip Hip Hooray Press—————————————————-

2009 – Week 5

Cubists Squash Cookies – Weitz Looking Up for the First Time

San Francisco Cubists (4-1) 99 Weaselicious Cookies (3-2) 66

Syracuse 44’s (4-1) 125 P-Miss Envy (2-3) 89

The Ballbusters (4-1) 116 County Coroners (1-4) 71

Full of Bull (2-2-1) 81 Red Herrings (1-4) 67

Peaks Island Wookies (2-2-1) Brentful Brents (1-4) 72

Week 6 Previews

San Francisco Cubists (4-1) 99 Weaselicious Cookies (3-2) 66 – If there is one thing that Barack Obama, Tony Mandarich and Owner Jason Moore have in common (other than none of their names are palindromes, as coyly noted by Owner Charlie Mitchell), it that they are each burdened with massive expectations. The pressure on each individual has (or, in the case of Mandarich, had) seriously deleterious effects. Moore, a recently minted 40-year-old, has the heart of a 43-year-old, the knees of a 68-year-old, and, oddly, the libido of a 16-year-old. What matters here is that time after time, Moore has delighted his fan base with championships that allow them to riot freely in the streets of San Francisco and cause indelible damage to the city. Even more oddly, his team – a five-time Modano champion – found itself in a first place tie with the league’s historically worst team, the Cookies. Owner Dan Weitz’s team has barely been able to scratch out an above .500 season, even though they seem to start each fall on fire. As the weather gets cooler, so do the Cookies. This has had an opposite effect on Weitz who has the brain capacity of a 20-year-old, the knees of a 25-year-old, and a well-publicized vasectomy. He is also carefree in that he knows annual expectations for his team are so low most of the Cookie fans just come to the game for the free Ripon Good cookies. [Once, he tried to host a game without the freebies and only four people showed up – all Weitz relatives.] The Cookies had actually held the advantage in recent meetings having swept the Cubists in 2008, but it appeared early on that Week 5 just wasn’t going to be their week. Chris Cooley scored zippo, some guy named Abram Elam score a point, and Anquan Boldin had just two against constant Cubist harassment. The Cookies did have two All-Pro performances. Tony Rhomo threw to no one in particular for 20 points and James Harrison dissected the Cubist offensive line for 22. The two accounted for two thirds of the Cookies points. Meanwhile, the Cubists were more balanced. Gameball earning Ben Roethlisberger led the squad with 24 points and his most frequent target was Andre Johnson who scored 18. Glen Coffee woke up for 11 and Ray Lewis led the D-flex with 12.  Moore, who hasn’t bought a CD in five years, said, “The running game wasn’t working, but the passing game picked us up. We still have work to do to match up to the numbers the Ballbusters and 44s are putting up.”

Syracuse 44’s (4-1) 125 P-Miss Envy (2-3) 89 – Care, craftsmanship, and choice – the three C’s that make Owner John Stoer’s pizza making abilities the envy of the league. They are particularly the envy of P-Miss Envy Owner Perry Missner who has misplaced his pizza stone and generally slums it with Tombstone cardboard-like pizza where once was garlic-encrusted crust, sweet homemade sauce, and the finest of cheeses. Just as Tombstone doesn’t stand up to homemade feasts, of late, the Envy can’t stand up to the 44’s, who are proving to be a force to be reckoned with in the 2009 season. Stoer, who believes both Barack Obama and Tony Mandarich are fruity (they have “a love of Chilean wines and Chris Isaak ballads” in common), led a balanced and impressive assault on the Envy who – needless to say – were down a number of starters because of a mistimed bye. Stoer gave the gameball to purple Jesus, Adrian Peterson who ran for 16 points and set up the passing game. Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald had a nice game of pitch-and-catch that ende dup with a cool 40 points.. Hines Ward and Rashard Mendenhall (a recent Envy cuttee) tagged along in double-digits and were matched in the D-flex by DeMarcus Ware and Patrick Willis. All Stoer could say was, “fantastic effort across the board.  For this week at least, it makes my draft day moves look good.  The O and the D working in perfect harmony.” These efforts are becoming regular for the 44’s who have blown out consecutive opponents, have their first 4-1 start since 2006 and have now won four straight times against the Envy. The Envy were balanced in other ways: while they saw their record fall to 2-3, they have now scored and given up exactly the same number of points (85.2 ppg) and are an even 6-6 in Week 5’s. The one number Missner never wanted to see was his team’s 100^th franchise loss. Unrelated to anything, Missner said, “This guy on Facebook was trying to compare the two in that Obama has a lot of potential but will eventually fail. I told him that the sitting president had nothing in common with a pea-brained (rattle, rattle) roid abuser that the Packers drafted before Barry Sanders, which caused him to back off that line of argument. The answer, therefore, is nothing.” And losses are another source of nothingness. Even though the Envy scored 89 points (including All-Pro games from Matt Schaub, gameball winning Cedric Benson, and T.J. Houshmandzadeh), they once again fell below .500.

The Ballbusters (4-1) 116 County Coroners (1-4) 71 – The one other team that looks ready to challenge the 44’s and Cubists of the world is Owner Rich Joseph’s The Ballbusters. Joseph recently took the media to task for forgetting about the “The” in his team’s name. He said, “It’s not Cure, it’s The Cure.” Of course, that makes a world of difference. Throughout his team’s history, Joseph has been blessed by one superstar: Peyton Manning. The consistent quarterback who will someday demolish all of Brent Farf’s records once again sliced through the coroner defense like a sword through shaving cream. On this particular week, the Manning to Roddy White connection was nearly enough to beat the Coroners by themselves. They combined fo 55 points and opened the running lanes for Ronnie Brown to score 16. So what if DeSean Jackson and Bernard Berrian combined for two points (both scored by Berrian) and Justin Durant failed in his tryout to score a point. Joseph who bought a CD two weeks ago (sounds of the 2009 Red Sox – timely choruses of Boos! And chants of “Nancy Drew has no heart!”) was happy. For what it’s worth, the Coroners have been perhaps the league’s most consistent team. They have scored between 68 and 72 points in four of the five weeks and scored 60 points in the other week. Owner Chad Nuss could not be reached for comment, but if he had he would have praised Kirk Morrison and his 16 points to the skies. Kellen Winslow broke out of the Coroner tight end death hold with 18 points and Tim Hightower had a pleasant nine. Louis Murphy, however, failed to score and Sebastian Janakowski – now a bye week replacement kicker for the Coroners, rather than a first round pick – scored one. The Coroners fell to 1-4, their worst start since 2003 when they started 1-5. For the Busters, their four-game winning streak was the longest since 2007 when they won five straight and the 4-1 start equaled their best start since 2003. They also boast three blowout wins and three trips above the century mark. Joseph commented, “Good week over 100 again!”

Full of Bull (2-2-1) 81 Red Herrings (1-4) 67 – [the following was written by a displeased drill sergeant] What you did today was g**-d*** pathetic! I didn’t know if I was watching football or the ice capades. It looked like a bunch of nancies out there, trying not to get their uniforms dirty. Disgusting! Now Private Charlie Mitchell, perhaps you think getting 30 points out of Ponce Brady and Ray Rice is acceptable. It isn’t! It’s unacceptable. Losing is unacceptable. We are the g** d*** United State of America and we do not accept losing! I don’t care if you are a pregame suspension like that idiot Mike Sims-Walker (and what is with that feminazi hyphenated name?!? Americans have two names – a first name and a last name with a middle name that is better off forgotten about!) What you sniggering about over there, PFC Randy Chambers? Oh, you think Americans have three names, not two? I suppose you think you have three names. Well, I shall call you Randy and not what the F. stands for, ok? You got that?!? Your team, whatever the hell it is called these days, did just enough to win. That is unsatisfactory, private! Of course, I’ll commend you on your running game. The hogs up front really opened some holes for Michael Turner and Clinton Portis (who combined for 40 points), but what happened to your receivers, whose named I can not pronounce. Are you sure San Diego and San Francisco are Americans? I’d like to see them piss and bleed for Old Glory. Derrick Mason, you make me sick! You did no better than Frenchy on the Herrings. I should have you deported for such insolence. What’s with this quote, PFC?, “Nice to get back to .500. I only hope it’s not too late to chase down the big pack in front of us.” You are an American and a champion – act like it. It’s only Week 5 of the season – of course, it’s not too late! Oh, you don’t like me shouting at you, Chambers? Well, you are going to have to get used to it because if you can’t handle it, you’ll have to go back to civilian life. Is that what you want? Bah, I’ve had it with you maggots. I am out of here.

Peaks Island Wookies (2-2-1) Brentful Brents (1-4) 72 – Image what it must be like to be Owner Steve Johnson. You’ve spent your adult lifetime pouring your heart and soul into rooting for the Green Bay Packers and their inbred hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf. When others started to question Farf and his media whore mongering, his inability even to make the simplest decision, and his continued efforts to throw the ball to the other team, you stood behind him, going so far to name your  fantasy football franchise after him. Farf, who is like a senile grandfather to you, has been pestering you throughout the season since you traded for him, to get him in the lineup – he promises good results. You see the opportunity with the Vikings playing the awful Rams, so you bench the returning and clipboard holding Matt Hasselback and give the keys to the offense to Farf. The aged QB isn’t terrible, he gives you ten points – a total more than doubled by the opposing QB Matt Ryan – but he freezes out half your offense. Farf refuses to call your plays, will not give the ball to Willis McGahee because “he smells funny,” and only allows three vital cogs off your offense to score three points apiece. He does help Tashard Choice to 13 and Reggie Wayne to ten (even though the Colts’ receiver “dropped an easy touchdown”) After all you’ve been through with Farf, you think you deserve some performance. Yet here’s what you get: Hasselback is benched and scores 33 meaningless points and Farf has some crazy love for Giants linemen and keeps falling at the feet of Justin Tuck, who scores 20. After the game, Farf calls his personal media crew and tells them the loss is your fault and the he is thinking of retiring again. He wants to have fun playing football and he isn’t sure he can do that on your squad, which has started the season 1-4 for the first time since 2000 (a start also equaled in the Brents inaugural season of 1999 when the Farf retirement rumors were really starting to pick up – started by someone as early as 1998. It’s not an easy thing to imagine – being Steve Johnson.

Week 6 Previews – We enter the sixth week of the season with a triumvirate of 4-1 teams. The 44’s, Busters, and Cubists are each looking quite powerful, but each faces a stern challenge. The hottest team is The Bullbusters who have won a league high four straight. They face their old archrival and past co-champion, Full of Bull. Ever since they shared the championship in 2003, Owner Randy Chambers has had something against Owner Rich Joseph. Chambers annually gets his team stoked to play the Busters and the FoB holds an 8-4 series edge. Add to that their impressive 9-2 record in Week 6 and this could be a tough week for the Busters. Chambers shouted, “Speaking of ties, it’s always nice to beat Rich. TG Peyton is on the bye!” A well-rested Drew Brees or as Chambers calls him, the MVB takes his place at the head of the Bull lineup and Ryan Grant is back. Joseph is going with David Garrard as his quarterback (tweetee, tweetee) and is giving him plenty of targets with an all-WR flex. Joseph said pessimistically, “I need the other 4-1′s to lose!” The Cubists face a well-rested Envy team who has four offensive players coming off the bye. Matt Forte, Jackie Robinson, Greg Olsen, and Pierre Thomas return to the lineup to add to three All-Pros from Week Five. Owner Perry Missner, whose team has split with the Cubists in each of the last five years, said, “I feel sorry for the Cubists who are going up against a rested and upset P-Miss. They’d better pick a tight end to stop our blitzing defenders who are aiming for Duck’s head. As we showed against the Brents, we are not afraid of Johnsons. Bring it!” Missner was referring to the duo of Andre and Chris Johnson. Aaron “Duck” Rodgers is sure to score less than his projected 24 points and Owner Jason Moore has not named a replacement tight end yet. Moore said, “We always have a tough time against the Envy. We’ll miss our TE and the SF running game this week.” It sounds like he is making excuses already. The 44’s try to do something they haven’t done since 2004 – win four in a row. They face the Brents who hold an 11-8 series edge. Owner John Stoer has other problems, however, “Crap, crap, crap- my D is decimated.  I thought the Cubists were lucky not to have face Peterson in wk9- the only time we face each other- but no Ware AND Willis is equally bad.  There may be a McNabb sighting this weekend.” He has placed McNabb in the lineup against the team that drafted him, but has a current hole in the D-flex where DeMarcus Ware once stood. It may not matter because the Brents do not have a tight end and have a hole in their D-flex as well. Jermichael Finley and D’Qwell Jackson should be called into the lineup.. The two games on the undercard are the Wookies vs. Coroners and Cookies vs. Herrings. The Cookies will have a high hill to climb against the Herrings because they will be Cowboyless. Owner Dan Weitz has Trent Edwards and Willie Parker as possible replacements, but he has some work to do. The Herrings, who have split the teams’ four encounters, has a motivated Jeremy Shockey, who will no doubt get hurt this week. Mitchell said, “We’re back at the bottom.” The Coroners hold an 11-9 edge over the Wookies. Owner Chad Nuss welcomes back Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson, while the Wookies may be without Calvin Johnson.

————————————-Proper Sleep is Good Press———————————————–

2009 – Week 4

COOKIES CHOKEHOLD ON FIRST ENDS, CHOKE BEGINS

Syracuse 44’s (3-1) 123 Weaselicious Cookies (3-1) 65

San Francisco Cubists (3-1) 92 Full of Bull (1-2-1) 55

The Ballbusters (3-1) 133 Red Herrings (1-3) 69

Brentful Brents (1-3) 95 County Coroners (1-3) 60

P-Miss Envy (2-2) 99 Peaks Island Wookies (1-2-1) 54

Week 5 Previews

Syracuse 44’s (3-1) 123 Weaselicious Cookies (3-1) 65 – Some day in the distant future – perhaps the year 2010 – it may strike historians as odd that for two consecutive years, the Weaselicious Cookies – by rights and by record, the worst team in the Modano league – led the league after three weeks and achieved a perfect record in both seasons. Of course, April showed do not always bring May flowers and for Owner Dan Weitz all they seem to bring is dry rot in the basement. As if the gods were blowing air into Weitz only to see him pop or wither, the erstwhile native of Ripon , WI was feeling pretty good about himself and his team. Sure, they had the 44’s on the schedule for Week 4, but what had the 44’s ever won (other than a mythical first championship, a handful of baseball and basketball championships, and even more mythical door prize). Weitz knew he had an armful of hated Cowboys to lead and frustrate the 44’s. Sadly, even a tower-full of Cowboys wouldn’t have been enough to keep  the Cookies streak going as the trio of Dallas players were all outscored by an opposing defender (Romo, Barber, Folk 16 – D.J. Williams 18). Yet, Williams wasn’t even the team’s top D-flex player – gameball earning LB Patrick Willis led the team with 25 points and the D-flex in total swept up a sweep 48. In fact, the only honor Owner John Stoer did not bestow (pardon the pun) on his D-flex was taking the 44 down from the rafters (last worn by Rob Konrad). Not to be completely outdone by the D-flex, the offense minus Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald had a pair of All-Pro players in backup QB Carson Palmer and TE Antonio Gates. Stoer was pleased by his entire team, except “Devin ‘Puss-wad’ Hester who will never play for me again.  Take off your pantyhose, fight through the pain, and at least pretend to be a man for christsake.” Hester took the words of criticism in stride and then signed a lifetime contract with the Envy, where he will only return kicks (which is how the Bears should use him). Stoer, who will take “small and natural over humungous and fake any day,” said, “That’s how it’s done.  We won’t play a more complete game all season.  With one lone exception we got production all across the board, including the bench, plus we knocked the snot of baby Rhomo.  Stevie Wonder was watching at home and yelling, “Aw Tony, don’t throw it there man. Damn even I can read defenses better than you, and my dog makes better decisions- and it just pooped in the house!”” Romo, having never heard of Stevie Wonder, vowed to play better and score three points next week.

San Francisco Cubists (3-1) 92 Full of Bull (1-2-1) 55 – What is a rivalry? Webster’s Dictionary defines it as … wait a second. No one uses Webster’s Dictionary anymore. What about Wikipedia? Wikipedia defines rivalry as “something that has to do with Romeo and Tybalt.” No, no that can’t be right. Where does one go for a definition these days? I guess it doesn’t matter because the series between the Cubists and the former-Bears is no longer a rivalry. It’s simply too one-sided as the Cubists have taken to drubbing the FoB’s routinely. In this battle of former multi-champions, the Cubists have won five straight times and hold a 13-9 series edge. It used to be a marquis game, now no one is willing to take Owner Randy Chambers’ team unless they are getting a significant amount of points. Even then, those bettors still lost this week. When asked who performed below expectations, Chambers roared, “MVB, Driver, Grant, Carlson, Holmes, Cotchery, Portis, Prater, Farrior, Bell , Weddle. Wait, that’s everyone!” He was so disgusted by his team that he made a new policy for those needing surgery: “Keep the knife off what god hath created.” That’s right – players who get hurt will just be put out of their misery. No new ACL for you! While it seems like a harsh policy, something needs to be done: the 2008 champion’s team has now scored just 112 points in the last two weeks, their low two-game total since 2007 when they scored an even 100 in a two-week sequence. Chambers said, “Another square performance against the Cubists, which is getting old, but it feels worse after we already stank it up against the 44s and are now below .500. If it didn’t happen twice a year, I’d say we just gave Jamo a birthday present (39 on Oct 7!).” Yes, Happy Birthday, indeed! As if Owner Jason Moore needed more of a present than getting back into first place in the Modano league. He gave the gameball to the other Steve Smith, who scored 20 points in two fine TD catches from Duck Rodgers (who scored 19). Moore, who is ardently in favor of breast augmentation and is willing to use some of ill-gotten birthday funds to help you get a pair of balloons, said that ‘We retired the number 90 in honor of the original three-headed monster: TD (30) + FT (28) + JA (32).” Ah, those were the days. Sitting at work, typing up recaps from a notebook full of stats. Oh, how times have changed. As such, the birthday boy said, “Any time we can beat Bull City , it’s a big win. Kudos to all our new starters for strong games.”

Brentful Brents (1-3) 95 County Coroners (1-3) 60 – When does a statistical anomaly become a trend? When will I ever get tired of hearing Patrick Stewart say anomaly? When will I spell anomaly correctly? These are all fine questions and the answer to the first one is that the Brents domination over the Coroners is no longer a statistical anomaly. It is a fact and domination doesn’t do it justice. The two teams have met 19 times and the Brents have 17 times include each of the last 14 games. The 2009 season did not change much as the Brents blew out the Coroners for the fourth time in the last five meetings. The Brents stayed away from their first four-game losing streak since 2005 by balancing the scoring responsibilities. Joe Flacco led the team with 17 points and hit Chad Ochocinco and Reggie Wyane for scores and a combined 24 points. Lawrence Tynes added ten from the kicker slot and the defense came up with 26 points behind Elvis Dumervil’s 11. Only Jason Witten was held under five points with just two. For the Coroners, it was a lack of balance that was their undoing. Philip Rivers scored 23 points, but the rest of the team scored 37 points (or five more than Jared Allen scored on his own). Darren Sproles did have seven, but other Darren (McFadden) did not score and is looking like a big fat bust. Speaking of which, Owner Chad Nuss, a Russ Meyer devotee, said that he liked big fat busts, but not of the unnatural kind. Owner Steve Johnson had no comment on the subject and hopes we stay away from “dirty” questions from here on in. The Coroner D-flex was flat-chested with just 12 points and even Kellen Winslow was afeared of the Brents with a bullet. In order to stave off questions, Johnson said at no time did he envision starting Brent Farf against his beloved Packers, although if Farf keeps playing well, Johnson said he may just become a Viking fan. Farf had 27 points from the Brent bench and after every single one of them, flipped the bird at Ted Thompson who thought the then 37-year-old quarterback was washed up. Retire already.

The Ballbusters (3-1) 133 Red Herrings (1-3) 69 – There’s something magical that happens to Owner Rich Joseph every year during Week 4. The stars align, those National Geographic floppers are traded for bouncing breasts of super technology, or maybe it just takes Peyton Manning a few weeks to really wake up. Whatever the case, the Busters are unbeatable in Week 4 and they proved for the seventh straight year that no one had better mess with them. In 2009, it was league’s junior bacon chee, Owner Charlie Mitchell who came a-calling. The Herrings do boast a secret Buster favorite in Tom Brady and Brady went off for 17 points and was complemented by gameball earning Steve Slaton, who scored 14 and earned a sarcastic, “welcome to 2009” from Mitchell. Other than nine points from Ray Rice, the Herrings did not do enough, especially with their porous defense. As Mitchell noted, “I’ve given up the high score three of four weeks.  Not coincidentally, I am 1-3.” Or, is it a coincidence? Whatever the case, the Herring offensive line had no answer for Jared Allen who punished them with 32 points and received a “Holy Sh!t” from Joseph. Manning had the Buster offense humming as well. He scored 20, handed off to Ronnie Brown for 19 and threw TD strikes to Brandon Marshall (12) and Bernard Berrian (11).  The Busters have now scored 243 points in the last two weeks and are tied for the league lead. Joseph mock lamented, “Why can’t I score over 130 all the time?” Well, what would be the fun in that. As for Mitchell, he could only lament for real, “We seem to be bringing the best out of teams.  109, 133 and 159 against us?  Jeesh.  Brady haters.” He is quite the ponce. More importantly, on the issue of breast augmentation, Mitchell gave the nicely political response, “I was for, until I spent time in Scottsdale , and then, when almost every woman had them, it just started to look creepy.” One of us .. one of us.

P-Miss Envy (2-2) 99 Peaks Island Wookies (1-2-1) 54 – [the following is the verbatim proceedings of a conference call I recently participated in] Hello! Thank you very much for calling in. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedules. I thought it would be a great idea if we went around the team and introduced ourselves. As you know, my name is B[^&#$#] F[%^$&#%$#] and I am Team Manager here at B[^&##$^] H[%^#%^$]. I’ve been here for a few years and gone right up the corporate ladder thanks to my good looks and charms. Now, we want to keep things positive, like the two-game Envy winning streak or the 30-point Envy D-flex, but once in awhile we are going to have to talk about the negative performances. Take, Marc Sanchez: now, he is a young guy who has a bright future ahead of him, but there isn’t a good way to convert his -7 into something that really brings value to the team. I know I will miss talking to him after he is cut, but I know we are all busy with the cross-training. It’s a really busy time of year and I really am impressed by all of your time management skills. Really, this team is really strong and I am proud of your accomplishments. I know this is a tough time in the economy and we are really turning the tide. Now, Perry, would you like to introduce yourself. “Sure, my name is Perry Missner. I own the P-Miss Envy, I gave the gameball to Matt Forte, and in my heart of hearts I believe while I don’t mind looking at them, I think it is kind of sad that people would want to put jelly inside them.” Thanks, Perry. I am not sure what you meant at the end about jelly, which is best served with chunky peanut butter. Now I’d like to remind you of a few important points. I am very touchy, feely and don’t like to go outside the chain of command. You will be our link to the grubby workers. I like guys named Pierre . I like guys named Thomas. I don’t like guys named Perry. I will now proceed to babble on for the next 45 minutes without regard to anyone else’s time. Thank you.

Week 5 Previews – Although there are four teams tied for first place at 3-1, the Busters and Cubists have both score more than 100 points more than the Cookies who are surer to sink than the Titanic. The Cubists will have a chance to knock the Cookies out of the top spot for the first time this year. While one might assume that the Cubists generally walk all over the Cookies that hasn’t been the case in the recent past. The Cookies swept last year and have won four of the last five to narrow the series deficit to 9-11. Owner Jason Moore said, “Until last week, this was the top team in the league. We’ll watch film from the 44s game to see what worked.” Since pretty much everything worked for the 44’s, the one thing we don’t suggest is picking up that panty waste Devin Hester (who is on the bye anyway). The Cookies should welcome back Anquan Boldin, but will need to find a replacement for Lance Briggs on the D-flex. The Cubists are giving Ben Roethlisberger his first start with Duck Rodgers on the bye and welcome back DeAngelo Williams from the bye. The fourth 3-1 team, the Syracuse 44’s take on the league’s only 2-2 team, the P-Miss Envy who are racked by the bye. Owner Perry Missner said, “Pizza! We are without a ton of players, but there is more dangerous player than Matt Schaub without his pets. Let’s get above .500 with a surprise win!” Lately, Owner John Stoer’s homemade creations have been whipping up on the store bought crap that Missner must be content with. The 44’s have won the last three pizza bowls and hold a 12-9 edge. Stoer said, ‘Pizza Week!  Always a fun week in Syracuse .  The battle will start early this week as both the Envy and I need new kickers and TE’s so the waiver process fight will get the ball rolling.  I’m hoping our offense will be even stronger this week though with the return of Warner and Fitz.” Neither team got Brent Celek. The Envy opted for Todd Heap, while the 44’s took Heath Miller with Matt Stover replacement Steven Hauschka (bless you!) at kicker. The Envy are going with a pair of Browns (Donald and Kris) to go along with Leon Washington’s first start. The Busters are the fourth and final first place team and they take on the Coroners who will be without a tun of players too. Owner Rich Joseph exhorted his troops, “Don’t have a let down Busters!” Owner Chad Nuss needs to replace Philip Rivers, Vincent Jackson, Darren Sproles, Nate Kaeding (he may be moving south in his fandom), and Charles Woodson. Shaun Hill or JaMarcus Russell may be read to step in along with the return of the original Steve Smith. Brandon Jacobs and Mario Manningheim face the Raiders… The Busters lead the series 7-4 but have only won two of their six Week 5’s after their Perfect Week 4 record. The two other games take place with all of  the teams below .500. Full of Bull at 1-2-1 meets the Red Herrings who have given up scads of points. Owner Charlie Mitchell noted, “Happy Brees is on the bench, but the way things have started, I expect Campbell to light us up for 5 tds.” The FoB’s are without Donald Driver and Ryan Grant as well, but that may be a plus. Owner Randy Chambers, whose team has lost three of the four meetings against the Herrings, said, “We’ll give MVB and our Packers (Plural. Holy cow.) a week off to work on their games. In the meantime, we have faith in our bench guys, who’ve been crisp in practice the last two weeks.” Those guys include Santonio Holmes, Santana Moss, and Jerricho Cotchery. Beason makes his return to the D-flex. Pete Boy makes another start for the Herrings who welcome back Brian Westbrook and give a flyer to Mike Sims-Walker. Last and least, the two 11-year teams, the Wookies and Brents, meet. Both teams hold a 5-5 record in Week 5’s, but the Brents have dominated the series of late, winning six of the last seven. LaDainian Tomlinson is on the bye for the Brents, but will anyone notice? He has been replaced by Taster’s Choice. The Wookies have sat Mark “-7” Sanchez down and replaced him with Matt Ryan. The winner of the Brent Celek sweepstakes has him in the lineup.

————————-I Forgot to Write the Brent-Coroner Recap Press—————————————-

2009 – Week 3

COOKIES WIN AGAIN, WEITZ NAMED MR. SEPTEMBER

Weaselicious Cookies (3-0) 94  Peaks Island Wookies (1-1-1) 46

Ballbusters (2-1) 99 San Francisco Cubists (2-1) 81

P-Miss Envy (1-2) 103 Brentful Brents (0-3) 86

Syracuse (2-1) 44’s 64 Full of Bull (1-1-1) 57

Red Herrings (1-2) 91 County Coroners (1-2) 68

Week 4 Previews

Weaselicious Cookies (3-0) 94  Peaks Island Wookies (1-1-1) 46 – “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a Modano Mi Hermano owner in possession of first place, must want the season to end immediately.” Those are the original words that start Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice before she got all fancy pants and decided to write a novel of 19^th century social commentary. If ever there were a model for Mr. Darcy, it is brooding Cookies Owner Dan Weitz. His good opinion once lost is lost forever. Take his famous hatred of the Green Bay Packers. What exactly did they do to him? Well, let’s just say he may have been caught on a stairwell in his youth with James Lofton and Eddie Lee Ivory. That would change the mindset of anyone. With his innocence taken at such a young age, Weitz has often been the captive of dangerous mood swings. Yet, the mood in the Cookie camp for the second year in a row after September is jubilance. For the second straight year, the Cookies are king turd of poop mountain in September. In Week 3, they left little doubt of who the best team in the league is (at this time). In the Toyota® Biggest Fantasy Blowout of the Week, the Cookies lured in their rhyming couplet, the Wookies and dangled a win in front of them: only to snatch it away and beat the Wookies on the head with it on Monday. On Sunday, the Cookies almost won on the backs of two players: Maurice Jones-Drew, who led the team with 26 points and Lance Briggs, who led the defense with 14. The only Wookies to score in double figures was the kicker, Steohen Gostkowski who matched Briggs’ 14. The defense was terrible (a combined three points) and the Terrell Owens-Randy Moss tandem doesn’t seem to be working out (surprise, surprise). A weaker willed owner would be driven to smoke, but Owner Will Mitchell has foresworn the wacky weed in an attempt to bring clear-headed unity to the team. Now on step 3, Will has made a decision to turn his will (pun not intended) and life to the care of God as he understands him. Good luck with that.  As for the Cookies, they lowered the boom on Monday with 23 points coming from Romo, Felix Jones, and Nick Folk. Julius Peppers offered one point in return. Weitz contact the league office to see if he could cancel the rest of the season immediately and crown himself champion, but his request was denied. The Cookies did start 4-0 in 2006, but slid to a finish of 7-10. If the Cookies continued to allow just 58 ppg (something, it should be noted, they have no control over), they may just bring the first Modano championship t-shirt to the Fox Valley .

Ballbusters (2-1) 99 San Francisco Cubists (2-1) 81 – It might be maddening for the Busters and Cubists to have to look up in the standings at the Cookies, but for now they are going to have to be content with second place. On that topic (contentness), Owner Jason Moore said, “$%#! that. Losing gracefully is for losers.” He proceeded to berate the officials, his subordinate coaches, his players, and his dog while watching his team lose. Granted, he did not direct his anger at the one player who probably deserved it – QB Aaron Rodgers. The Duck did score 28 points, but it is a quarterback’s job, according to Mike & Mike, to win games. Rodgers, admittedly, did not receiver much support as the team fell off from its record Week 2 performance. Dwayne Bowe particularly raised his owner’s French ire by not suiting up and Frank Gore failed to score before getting hurt. It may be that Moore needs to spend more than an hour a day doing exactly what he wants, but it may also be that the Busters were simply better on this day. Throughout the game, Owner Rich Joseph praised his players for not losing their tempers. The Buster D-flex was particularly strong and combined for 28 points led by Jared Allen’s 11 and inspirational pickup Danieal Manning’s 10. WR DeSean Jackson had his first All-Pro game with 15, but it was Joseph’s common law brother who picked the team up. Seeing that Rodgers had scored 28, Manning – who has been with the Buster franchise long enough to be legally married, even without a ring – started firing TD passes. He ended up with 33 points and yet another gameball. The relaxed Joseph, who spends 12 hours a day doing what he wants, was not even that upset by two of keepers, Thomas Jones and Roddy White, scoring single points. He said, “I know they’ll do better.”  For whatever reason, the Busters have the Cubists number. They have won three straight meetings and have a 8-4 series advantage. Joseph couldn’t speak to why that is, but he did say on Week 3, “Needed it bad!” Moore could only lament, “Sacre blue, Not surprising that practically the whole team failed to live up to their week 2 performances. The zeros from Gore and Bowe were pretty tough to overcome, though. Merci beaucoup, dingbats.”

P-Miss Envy (1-2) 103 Brentful Brents (0-3) 86 – The national media loves a good hook. If it is a simple story, they love it even more. Yet, there is nothing simple about Brents Owner Steve Johnson. He submitted a blockbuster deal to the league prior to Week 3 and changed his team’s name from Brentless to Brentful by sending longtime keeper Joseph Addai and Syracuse alum Donovan McNabb back home. It seemed as if Johnson had just made the deal to get Brent Farf into his lineup in time to play his hated rival, the P-Miss Envy and keep said rival in the basement of the league with a bucketful of Farfish shame. Yet, the ever-mindful Johnson went Constanza on the national media, depriving them of their story, and sat a highly upset inbred hillbilly moron on the bench for some guy, in the moron’s words, “named Joe Flaccid.” Flacco did play well with 17 points and showed a general command of the offense, but the booing from his own sideline could not have helped. Johnson’s advice to Farf was to “bottle up that rage to be released at an undetermined time in the future.” Unfortunately, Johnson could not do that on his in terms of Mr. Ochocinco. He cried, “Mr. 8 – 5. Last second score to win the game, and it isn’t you. Come on!” Johnson was more pleased by longtime Envy keeper Willis McGahee who was a thrown in the Farf deal and said, “He came right in and didn’t miss a beat. He already has more scores then Addai will have all year.” McGahee ended up with 13 points. Reggie Wayne had 14 and Barrett Ruud led the defense with 10. The Envy were led by their QB Matt Schaub, who scored 25 points, but Owner Perry Missner gave the gameball to a resurgent Pierre Thomas. Missner noted, “Pierre Thomas had me worried by not playing in the first half, but he was wisely saving himself for the second half. It’s great to have him back.” Thomas and fellow backfield mate Cedric Benson seemed to hit another gear in the late stages of Sunday afternoon and combined for 32 points. Missner, who “spends almost all of my time doing what I want when I am supposed to be doing something else,” was not so pleased by T.J. Houshmandcrappy who scored a zilch. Missner said, Houshmandcrappy “is vying with Wesley Walls as one of the worst keepers ever. Still ahead of Ricky Williams and his early retirement.” Speaking of crappy, it’s part of Missner’s favorite Who lyric: “I know I been wearing crazy clothes and I look pretty crappy sometimes, but my body feels so good and I still sing a razor line every time.” The team won for the first time against the Brents in four tries and ended a three game Week 3 losing streak. At the final whistle, Missner sanctimoniously lectured a broken down Johnson: “After a game, you should carry yourself the same no matter if you won or loss. As long as you gave full effort, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes you do your best and lose – there’s no crime in that.”  The only thing that made Johnson feel better after that tongue lashing was some sweet, sad lyrics from Pete Townsend, “Well you ain’t the luckiest girl I know /and you won’t get luckier the way you’re going/Your horseshoe’s rusty and your mirror’s cracked/You walk under ladders then you walk right back.”

Syracuse (2-1) 44’s 64 Full of Bull (1-1-1) 57 – Here’s the thing about Vegas insiders: they know how to spot s trend. Coming into Week 3, Owner Randy Chambers’ Full of Bull team had dominated his former Sidwell Friend, Owner John Stoer. The FoBs had won six straight meetings. That said, local bookies made Chambers’ team a 12-point favorite and the line seemed to move up during the week. No one wanted the Syracuse action, even though they have the best player in the game, Adrian Peterson. Peterson was held by Mike Singletary to just five points (next Walter Payton? Fah!), but still caused Stoer to blush and sing, “I love to hear you say my name, especially when you say yes.” Saying yes to the endzone were Kurt Warner and Joseph Addai, who combined for 21 points. Stoer was not so pleased by Osi You-been-cut-a who was unable to score. Hines Ward matched Peterson’s output but was given a gameball for “spilling all of the champs secrets.” While the vaunted 44 D-flex (next ’85 Bears? Fah!) score nine points, they did hold the Bulls offense in check for the most part. The reigning champions looked confused by the 44’s not rolling over and dying at their mere presence. Drew Brees was held to a deuce (of the un-McAllister variety) and he was matched by Clinton Portis and John Carlson. When your offense is led by Donald Driver’s 12 points, let’s just say you are in trouble. Jon Beason showed himself adequately with 14 points, but the Bulls looked uncharacteristically unmotivated. Chambers, even after being poked by a stick, didn’t offer the media any comment and just seemed content to gaze into space. Perhaps he was having flashbacks to 2004 when his team last lost to the 44’s or maybe 2007 when his team last lost by less than ten points. Stoer, who spends on average 23.5 hours per day doing exactly what he wants, said, “Hallelujah!!  There are too many things I could say since it has been so damn long since I defeated the team from Durham .  They range from: the last time I beat RC, he consoled himself, not by drinking, but by donating money to John Kerry’s campaign; to now imagining his children with tears welling in their eyes and asking for the first time in their lives, ‘Daddy, why did you lose to Uncle Sto?’”

Red Herrings (1-2) 91 County Coroners (1-2) 68 – You can say what you want about Owner Chad Nuss, but the guy loves to be charitable. When people are down, he loves to give. When people are confused, he loves to console. And, when a team needs a win, there are the Coroners to give them just that. In an opposite happenstance from 2008, the Herrings had lost their first two games of the season (in 2008, they proceeded to lost their next seven, so maybe a seven-game winning streak is in the offing) and needed a win for Owner Charlie Mitchell not to become the league’s junior bacon chee to Will’s Big Mac. The younger Mitchell knew that he would need steady play from Tom Brady, and he got it. Brady righted the Herring ship with 15 points and distributed the ball equably throughout the offense. Ray Rice scored ten and Eagle backup LaSean McCoy took advantage of some playing time to score 11. Steve Slaton even cast off the shackles to score seven. Mitchell had divided feelings about his D-flex. On the one hand, “Gameball goes to Terrance Newman.  We signed him a few days before the game to shut down Steve Smith, and he did.” Smith scored just two points. However, Mitchell also noted, “I guess Laurinitis was the worst, also signed just a few days earlier – he may be on his way out.” The rookie linebacker scored three points and was subsequently cut for Chad Greenway. Nuss’s team really hasn’t done much different from week to week. They have now scored 68, 72, and 68 with a win on the 72-point day. The Coroners also have a 4-8 record in each of the first three weeks of the season, which means they generally get off to a terrible start. Week 3 wasn’t without its starts. Philip Rivers scored 13, Brandon Jacobs 12, and Nate Kaeding scored 11. Charles Woodson led the D-flex with 10, but Nuss was let down by Darren McFadden and Kellen Winslow, who did a lot of yapping, but scored just a point apiece. Mitchell, who is not prone to be overdramatic said, “We stayed alive…the season was on the line there.”

Week 4 Previews – The league looks up at the Cookies. They may be in line for another one of those handy trends. Their opponent, the 44’s, alternated wins and losses for the first seven weeks of 2008 and they are coming off a win. Granted, it was an ugly win in which they only scored 64 points, but a trend is a trend. Owner John Stoer said, “Cookies=Cowboys which makes this Rhomo week.  Carson and Devin are in for us, but our key to victory will be releasing the pent-up vengeance of DeMarcus Ware on the unsuspecting Rhomo, whose greatest achievement in life so far is in discovering with girlish glee where Waldo is.” The 44’s, who hold a 13-8 series edge and have won four of the last five, are without Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald, whereas the league-leading Cookies will only have Anquan Boldin sitting out. In terms of league history, the biggest match up of the week is of the league’s two winningest teams: the Cubists and Bill City . Owner Jason Moore said, “They’re the defending champs and a great franchise. We need to bounce back from our subpar performances last week or we won’t be able to keep up.” Nice words, but not completely full. The Cubists hold a 12-9 series edge and have won each of the last four meetings.  They will be without DeAngelo Williams, but Knowshon Moreno is ready to show his stuff. The Cubists may elect to go kicker-less again with David Akers on the bye. For Bull City , they will have to make do without Michael Turner and Jon Beason, but may match the Cubists for no kicker with Jason Elam resting at home. The similarly second place Busters take on the junior bacon chee of the Mitchell family, Charlie. The Busters have never lost in Week 4 (a perfect 6-0) and own a 3-1 series edge over the Herrings. Of which, Mitchell noted, “We stayed alive…the season was on the line there. We’re bringing in a couple exciting young players…looking forward to facing Peyton.” The new players include Pete Boy from the Colts and the aforementioned Chad Greenway. The Busters are ruined with byes including starting tight end Tony Gonzalez along with Roddy White and DeSean Jackson. Owner Rich Joseph has not named a replacement tight end and said, “Looking to move into first place tie!” It looks like he is putting money down on Syracuse . If there were ever a game for the only winless franchise to make a mark in the W-column, it would be this one. For whatever reason, the Coroners annually fall flat against the Brents who hold an amazing 16-2 series edged. The Brents are also 7-3 in Week 4’s and haven’t had a four-game losing streak since 2005. Owner Steve Johnson said, “Maybe I can get a completely healthy, productive team this week. Perhaps not. Well – I guess I will have to be satisfied with a 14 – 3 year.” Well, he is going to do some ego massage because he has Brent Farf on the bench against the Packers. Yes, that’s against the Packers. The byes don’t really affect the Brents, but they will be making room on the defense for Elvis Dumervil and London Fletcher.  The Coroners will be without Steve Smith, but look to score around 70 points no matter who is out there. Finally, the 1-2 Envy take on the 1-1-1 Wookies. I hate ties. Owner Perry Missner said, “I am going to steal a line from another owner: always respect a Wookie. Curious to see who Will lines up a QB.” It appears the answer will be Marvelous Mark Sanchez. The Envy will give Percy Harvin his first start, while the Wookies welcome back Marshawn Lynch.

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2009 – Week 1

WEEK ONE RECAPS

• Weaselicious Cookies 89 P-Miss Envy 65
• Full of Bull 90 Brentless Brents 88
• Syracuse 44’s 105 Red Herrings 84
• Peaks Island Wookies 99 Ballbusters 85
• San Francisco Cubists 85 County Coroners 68
• Week Two previewsWeaselicious Cookies 89 P-Miss Envy 65 – It’s a longstanding tradition between the two old friends and rivals, Owners Perry Missner and Dan Weitz, that they have an annual get together prior to the season. Invariably, they meet at Hardee’s on a post-draft day and the fastidious Weitz is both amused and horrified as Missner slops his way through a 15,000-calorie burger, curly fries, and a milkshake. Weitz always gets a heap of napkins which are summarily ignored by Missner. This year, the ritual changed on draft night when Missner stepped out of the exacting box of Packer hatred and drafted WR Greg Jennings (from here on in to be referred to as Jackie Robinson). Weitz declared the friendship over and refused to take any of Missner’s calls (prompting Missner to have his gorgefest at Hardee’s in a sadly solo state – no one even offered him any napkins…) The cold shoulder continued as game time approached and Weitz refused to meet with the media prior to the kickoff. Weitz’s figured “denial was my best option. Eventually, the problem will just go away.” He also denied the Envy any pleasure in the first week. With a boatload of Cowboys, the Cookies ran up and down against the Envy defense, which quickly lost its way as leader Brian Urlacher dislocated his wrist and had to be put down for the season. Tony Romo earned a gameball for his 29 points and the other two Cowboy starters (Marion Barber III and Nick Folk) scored in double-digits. Maurice Jones-Drew chipped in 13 points and caused Missner to hit a couple of his favorite of the 12 steps, “I like the releasing of inner demons. Placing the blame on others is also a necessary step.” There was plenty of blame to go around. New Envy QB Matt Schaub scored less points than backup Jay Cutler, despite Cutler’s four interceptions. Matt Forte scored four, T.J. Houshmandzadeh scored three, and Greg Olsen pooped out a nil. Missner gave his gameball to Cedric Benson for scoring 13 and noted, “We opened the season by taking a big dump. Benson and Jackie Robinson played well, but losing Urlacher really hurts. Congrats to Dan whose team has become the Minnesota Vikings of the Modano world (champs in September, chumps in December). We’ll get this thing turned around in short order.” Weitz compared his squad to another NFC North team: “the Lions they are like the cookies of the modano league soooner or later they have to get lucky [and make the Playoffs].” After the game, Weitz was unwilling to extend an olive branch to his longtime, and apparently former, friend. He told Fox’s Jay Glazer, “Call me when Missner dumps Jennings, then maybe I’ll consider returning his calls.”

  Full of Bull 90 Brentless Brents 88 The Modano Mi Hermano league is like a select fraternity, but the champions of the league have their own clique.. While the media isn’t privy to the goings on of these past champions rumors of parties until 11PM and free hors dourves have been rumored. While one would not typify the relationship between Owner Steve Johnson and Randy Chambers as warm, there is a mutual respect. Therefore, each owner had to cast out their demons prior to the game and get their studs to play as well as they could. Chambers said he was going to “Examine past errors with a sponsor. This Ricky Williams moment is brought to you by Cannibus, the makers of fine hemp products. Protecting the environment and your brain.” Johnson opined, “Have to go with make a list of who I have wronged. It would be a short list, as I, like Pres Bush, haven’t made any mistakes.” We believe that holding onto the past is also a dependence problem and maybe Johnson needs to leave the former president alone. Not to point out the obvious, but playing Texans K Kris Brown, who scored a single point, might have been a mistake. That should teach Johnson not to start players with girls’ names. The Brents did get off to a decent start as Matt Huckleberry scored 21 points, but his strong performance was quickly eclipsed by FoB’s Drew Brees who flung TD’s like they were going out of style. When the dust had cleared, Brees had scored 44 points, which is surely a week one record (if such things were kept in the world of Modano – alas). With Brees doing the heavy lifting, the rest of Chambers’ team rested. They combined for just 46 points with Ryan Grant’s ten leading the way. Chambers noted politically noted that he was as angry as most sports fans because , “They had the under on the Iraq War.” Poor former President Bush – you’d think he could just go back to his Texas cocaine binging in peace. The Brents had a chance to win on Monday – they faced a two-point deficit but had former league MVP LaDainian Tomlinson going against Eric Weddle. Weddle scored six points and Tomlinson put himself on the bench in the closing moments of the game and refused to go back into the game while sitting on six points. We’ll get more information on this story as it develops. A fuming Johnson said, “To many to name, but have to go with LT. Late, with the game on the line, and you are on the sidelines. Can’t help that you rolled the ankle, but if you don’t fumble, we win.” And so it goes.

  Syracuse 44’s 105 Red Herrings 84 When Owner John Stoer was seven years old, he won a door prize at a school ice cream social. Everyone around him thought there was something special about this and the whispers attached the word “winner” to his name. And so it was that throughout his life, he kept on winning: be it fantasy baseball leagues, Chinese checkers tournaments, and ice cream social door prizes, the trophies continued to mount. Yet, over the past dozen years, the one victory that has eluded Stoer has been a Modano Mi Hermano championship. Each night during the offseason before he went to bed, Stoer would get down on his knees and pray with a fervency that caused cold sweats: “Dear God, as I understand you, I humbly ask you to remove my shortcomings because that will be sooo much easier than me overcoming things on my own. Shortcomings removed! Thank you God, as I understand you, I’m ready for step #8.” Then he added, “PS, Keep Adrian Peterson healthy.” For at least one week, God cleared all roadblocks from the 44’s path and Peterson ran over Red Herrings like their so many inconvenient plot twists. The gameball-earning RB plowed for 31 points and the team went to the tried but true solid running plus excellent defense equals victories. The 44 defense, which has been a point of pride for Stoer, gobbled up Herring Steve Slaton, who didn’t score, and scored 41 points of their own. Osi Umenyiora retuned to the league in all-pro style and Patrick Willis scored 15 all-pro points of his own. Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald connected for a TD, but the retread 44 O-flex was weak. Make that capitol-W Weak with just four points from Bubbie, Bush, and Ward. Still, Stoer was most flummoxed by “Rob Bironas for missing like he’s never missed before” despite his kicker’s output equally his offensive flex. Meanwhile, there was another team on the field – Charlie Mitchell’s Red Herrings. The team was encouraged by the return of Tom Brady, who looked rusty for three and a half quarters, but still scored 21 points. Brian Westbrook chipped in ten and the Herring defense had a pair of double-digit scorers (Vilma 10 and Fletcher 12). Fan criticism bounced off Mitchell as he said, “They wish they were playing, and they listen to too much “analysis” instead of just watching and enjoying the games.” Please, enjoy our losses! Mitchell summed up the game nicely, “Glad to get Peterson over with for 10 weeks.” While Stoer made a plea to a higher power (his QB) by shouting, “Thank God, as I understand a generic asexual entity that certainly does not exist, for Adrian Peterson, Larry Fitzgerald, Patrick Willis, and to an exponentially lesser extent, Osi Uminyora. And yes, you heard me Kurt Warner and your two INT’s, “DOES NOT EXIST!”” More information on the blasphemous Stoer in future editions.

  Peaks Island Wookies 99 Ballbusters 85 Some people say chowder, but when it comes to the great battles between Wookies and Busters, everyone knows it’s chow-dah. In fact, some people like to add a third syllable in the middle. Whereas these two teams only have half a championship between them, both of the owners have their players revving at a fever pitch when it comes to the biannual Chowdah Bowl. It has been a long and exhausting summer for Wookie Owner Will Mitchell. The team was severely divided last year because of its two camps for and against the wacky weed. Eventually, Mitchell had have a powwow with Randy Moss, the leader of the smoke’em if you gott’em gang and the two reached an agreement to give up smoking. As with any recovering addict, their first step was to admit they were powerless over marijuana and they lives had become unmanageable. Moss and Mitchell attended some meetings led by Reverend Calvin Johnson and soon the whole team seemed in somewhat in sync. New QB Matt Ryan brought memories of Bledsoe back to Mitchell by delivering 19 points and the double-barreled Lion attacked provided 17 points. Perhaps the most important duo for the Wookies were the twin defensive ends, Julius Peppers and Justin Tuck who combined for 29 points and harassed the tar out of Buster QB Peyton Manning. Manning played below expectations according to Owner Rich Joseph despite having less than 0.75 seconds to throw on each down. The longtime Buster did score 13 points, but he was not amused when Joseph gave the gameball to Thomas Jones, who led the team with 19. Keeper Roddy White and first round pick Ronnie Brown scored just two points apiece and Joseph was as mad as most sports fans because “we hate to lose.” Maybe playing Donnie Avery, who scored zilch, wasn’t the best idea ever. The Busters are just 2-5 in opening weeks, but they had won the last two openers and had beaten the Wookies four straight times. I guess those two streaks are up in smoke, which is a place that the Wookies won’t be anymore. Of course, there is always the possibility of a Wookie relapse, but for now it looks like the team may be onto Step 2 for next week.

  San Francisco Cubists 85 County Coroners 68- To many outsiders, there are two distinct side of the bay. There is San Francisco with all of his hills, pretty architecture, and festive people. And there is Oakland, a place where Ricky Henderson made thievery fashionable. The two Modano teams from the west coast resemble their sides of the coast. Owner Jason Moore dresses nattily and chooses his players based on elocution as well as ability. Meanwhile, Owner Chad Nuss is generally scruffy and would prefer his players to get in a brawl than score many points. In some ways, both owners were satisfied by their teams’ Week One performances. The Cubists were led by a dual-prong rushing attack as gameball earner Frank Gore made his hometown debut with an all-pro 15 points and DeAngelo Williams added ten. Packer QB Aaron “Duck” Rodgers returned to his Bay area roots and had a pleasant 14 points. A generally pleased Moore was happy with 90% of his team, but Andre Johnson failed to receive for the minimum 75 yards that his owner required out of him. Nuss left most of his team on the bench on Sunday and the few players on the field looked outnumbered and meek. Derrick Ward did score 11 points, but Terrell Suggs – drafted while Nuss was waiting to pre-board – scored just four. The Monday night Coroners needed to have a mountainous performance in order to bring the Coroners their first opening day win since 2008 (when they throttled the Envy). It wasn’t to be. Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson hooked up for a TD to combined for 20, but Darren McFadden and Kirk Morrison let down their Raider loving owner by combining for just four points. Moore gave thanks to the win to “Step 9 (‘to be a movie star slumming on TV so that your fans don’t have to pay $8.50 to see you’), because we have it to thank for My Name is Earl.” He also noted, “We struggled to move the ball, but we won the defense and special teams battle. Nice to see EJ Henderson back on the field.”

  Week 2 previews Just two teams that won in Week 1, the Wookies and Full of Bull, will face off in Week 2. Owner Randy Chambers said, “We hope to play better than week 1 as a team. There may not be an “I” in team, but there was no team in this win.” No, just a stiff Brees. On the other side of the spectrum, only two Week 1 losers, the Coroners and Envy, meet. Owner Perry Missner said, “Neither the Coroners nor my august team played well in the opening week. We had some jitters, they had some sputters. We’re hoping keeper Pierre Thomas will be healthy enough to play and we are going to enjoy watching the Bears for the second straight week. Go Cutler!” He then went on to decry the modern sports fan: “For whatever reason, they think sports teams owe them something. I don’t know why this is. They also seem to think that each fan is smarter than coaches who aren’t successful. If coaching (or playing, for that matter) anyone could do it. People need to just shut up.” Maybe Missner just needs to shut up. The battle for Oshkosh high school supremacy will be renewed not by the Spartans and Indians, er, Giants, but by the Cookies and Brents. Owner Steve Johnson’s team was the hard luck loser in Week 1 and he said, “Major changes might have to happen.” We’re not sure if dumping Kris Brown for the similarly girly named Neil Rackers counts as major changes. With a confidence that no one can account for, Owner Dan Weitz said, “I’m going to win this league just give me the t-shirt cause this is my year.” You have to love the attitude! The Cookies are coming off a rare above .500 season, but they generally have not been in the championship area. The 44’s, who provided Week 1’s highest total and only triple-digit score, takes on the Busters. Owner John Stoer got the ball rolling by saying, “They like their steroids up there in Boston- Big Papi, Manny, Big Baby, Zdeno Chara, Vince Wilfork- hopefully golden boy Peyton Manning is restraining Rich from juicing the Busters.” Owner Rich Joseph could just fume in anger, while not mentioning that every other city has plenty of juicers, even Annapolis (see Robinson, David – there’s no way someone grows that fast in their early 20’s if they aren’t on HGH). Finally, the Cubists and Herrings renew their acquaintance. Owner Jason Moore noted, “With Revis on Moss, Brady to Welker should put up a lot of yards. Let’s hope DeAngelo and CJ get the running game in gear this week.” Well put and I have nothing to add.

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2009 – Draft Recap

Round 1
1. Tom Brady, NE QB Red Herrings
2. Frank Gore, SF RB SF Cubists
3. Kurt Warner, Ari QB Syracuse 44′s
4. Kevin Smith, Det RB Wookies
5. Darren McFadden, Oak RB County Coroners
6. Willie Parker, Pit RB Weaselicious Cookies
7. Greg Jennings, GB WR P-Miss Envy
8. Reggie Wayne, Ind WR Big Bad Bretts
9. Ronnie Brown, Mia RB The Ballbusters
10. Ryan Grant, GB RB Full of Bull

As expected, the Herrings made a perfunctory announcement that Tom Brady was returning to the upper northeast with the first pick in the draft. The move had been anticipated by a courtship that lasted nearly a year. Brady actually arranged to have a hitman put the hurt on him so he could leave the Weaselicious team that had put such a burden on him in 2007. Then, it was just up to the two Mitchell brothers to compete to figure out where the 2007 La-la-la-lafontaine winner would go. While elder brother Will has the longer Modano history, that history also includes no championships. Brady decided to be a Herring rather than a Wookie after younger Charlie told Brady he could make the team’s next four picks. The Brady pick was just the fourth time in Modano history that a QB had been chosen number one (Farf in 1999 by Bull City, Trent Green in 2004 by the Coroners, and Carson Palmer in 2007 by the Envy). The second pick changes hands in a huge deal involving two ancient rivals. Owner Jason Moore reluctantly sent Larry Fitzgerald, who had spent the last five years with the team, to the 44’s for Andre Johnson and the right to swap first round picks. With the pick, the Cubists looked to their backyard in taking Frank Gore, who had been kept by Bull City over the last two years. Could San Francisco be the new home of a three-head monster in the form of Gore, Chris Johnson, and DeAngelo Williams? With Fitzgerald in tow, Owner John Stoer went for a Cardinal monopoly and chose Kurt Warner. The Cardinal QB had only been drafted once in the last five years and that was by the 44’s in 2006. Warner did have a magical season in 2008, but magic tends to dissipate. With the fourth pick, the Wookies chose promising sophomore Kevin Smith from the previously woeful Lions. Smith showed promise in a lost season and it may be that competent coaching makes him a top running back. Another second year running back came off the board at five when Owner Chad Nuss made amends for last year and chose Darren McFadden. Nuss was widely expected to take McFadden with the top pick in 2008, but opted for Packer washout Ryan Grant. McFadden did not really make Nuss feel ashamed of the pick, but it was nice to see him do the right thing by the long standing and suffering Coroner fans this year. The Cookies took a long-time Coroner in Willie Parker, who had been a Coroner keeper over the last three years. Someone in the draft commented that Owner Dan Weitz had chosen Rudi Johnson again, but Parker isn’t quite that bad. The shock of the first round occurred when long time Packer hater took Green Bay WR Greg Jennings. Weitz pronounced his nearly 30-year friendship with Owner Perry Missner over and others wondered why Missner would slap his fans in the face. Missner succinctly commented, “It is time for bygones to be bygones. We just want to win.” But at what price? At what price?!? For the uninitiated, Missner had previously been unwilling to roster not only current Packers but anyone who had ever donned the Packer jersey. Needless to say, something has changed and we will get to the bottom of this story. A disappointed Owner Steve Johnson went with Plan B and selected Reggie Wayne who has been a top 11 pick in each of the last five drafts. He has not been quite good enough to keep, but he should be a decent complement to the Brents running back trio. The Busters made Ronnie Brown a first round pick for the third time in four years (he was kept by the 44’s in the other year). Brown will challenge the ever-sensitive Thomas Jones for the top spot on the Buster running back draft chart. Owner Randy Chambers finished up the first round by taking last year’s first pick, Packer washout Ryan Grant.

Round 2
11. Marques Colston , NO WR Red Herrings
12. DeMarcus Ware, Dal LB Syracuse 44′s
13. Aaron Rodgers, GB QB SF Cubists
14. Terrell Owens, Buf WR Wookies
15. Derrick Ward, TB RB County Coroners
16. Tony Romo, Dal QB Weaselicious Cookies
17. Wes Welker, NE WR Red Herrings
18. Jason Witten, Dal TE Big Bad Bretts
19. Tony Gonzalez, Atl TE The Ballbusters
20. Antonio Bryant, TB WR Full of Bull

The second opened with Tom Brady advising Owner Charlie Mitchell to take Marques Colston and Mitchell meekly obliged. The Saint WR has gone in the top 18 in each of the last three drafts and was a Brent receiver last year after helping the Brents to their 2006 championship with his fluky TE status. Boasting the best defense in the league in 2008, the 44’s loaded up again with the reigning Don Sweeney Trophy winner DeMarcus Ware. The pick caused fellow Skins fan Chambers to rain curses upon the head of Stoer, but the 44’s owner figured that in the wake of the Jennings pick anything goes. Moore gave the keys to the offense to Aaron Rodgers, who played college ball at California (the rival of Stanford, Moore’s school). A long-time former Cubists went to the Wookies when Terrell Owens made his way to Will’s team. The combination of T.O. and Randy Moss may look good on paper, but we imagine it will cause Mitchell headaches all season long. Owens will pout every time that a play is called for Moss and Moss will stop running every time a play is called for Owens. Mitchell is going to need a veteran QB to keep these egos at bay. The Coroners went to their favorite AFC team, apparently, as they selected Derrick Ward. Ward was the first player chosen in 2009 who had never been selected in a previous Modano draft. The Cookies made their fanbase happy by selected infantile QB Tony Rhomo. With Marion Barber and Rhomo on the squad, the Cookies should get off to another fast start (before pooping out when it really matters). With their second pick of the second round because of the Matt Schaub trade to the Envy, Tom Brady brought his security blanket to the Red Herring squad. The former-Buster keeper stays in the northeast and should gain plenty of yards. The Brents broke into the tight end stash by taking the second Cowboy of the round. With T.O. out of town, it may be that Jason Witten and Romo can be a Bledsoe-Coates type connection. Owner Steve Johnson has had trouble getting a decent tight end since Colston left, so he decided to solve that problem with an early pick. Owner Rich Joseph followed up by returning Tony Gonzalez to the squad. Gonzalez spent four years with the Busters from 2003 to 2007 and is a four-time league keeper. The newly named Full of Bull finished the round by selecting a former-Cowboy, Antonio Bryant. The current Buccaneer was commended by Chambers for having sense enough to leave Dallas, but Bull City’s hardest core fans are not going to be happy about the pick.

Round 3
21. Roy Williams Dal WR Red Herrings
22. Antonio Gates SD TE Syracuse 44′s
23. Dwayne Bowe KC WR SF Cubists
24. Jonathan Stewart Car RB Wookies
25. Vincent Jackson SD WR County Coroners
26. Braylon Edwards Cle WR Weaselicious Cookies
27. Cedric Benson Cin RB P-Miss Envy
28. Chad Ochocinco Cin WR Big Bad Bretts
29. Brandon Marshall Den WR The Ballbusters
30. Santana Moss Was WR Full of Bull

With his final selection, Brady decided that he needed someone to heat up the Mitchell brothers rivalry. He took Cowboy WR Roy Williams, who has now been selected in the third round in three of the last four drafts. That other year was 2007 when the Wookies kept the Lion receiver. Williams did not have a good parting with Will and the two have not spoken in over two years. Another long-time Wookie came off the board when the 44’s opted for Antonio Gates. The Charger tight end had been with the Will’s team since being a tenth round pick in 2004. Like after the Brady pick, the elder Mitchell emitted an audible sob, then kicked at the dirt. The Cubists selected their first WR of the draft in Dwayne Bowe. The high-flying Chief spent his breakout season with Brents. Power back Jonathan Stewart moved from Cubist to Wookie in his second year in the league. The pick was widely praised by league pundits and turned Mitchell’s frown of the preceding picks upside down. With Charger QB Philip Rivers on his roster and Gates off the board, Nuss reached for Vincent Jackson who was not chosen in 2008 (but was a Coroner fourth round pick in 2007). Jackson has a lot of upside but probably could have been picked later in the draft. Dan Weitz continued to confound experts by selecting Braylon Edwards who is coming off a disappointing season. Edwards is also saddled with QB issues and was the runner up for the Mark Pussier Disappointing Award last year. Missner appeased the home faithful by bringing back Cedric Benson. The former Bear made good on some of his promise with a late season run on the Bengals last year. He was a 2007 Envy keeper who went undrafted last year. Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson has a new team. He spent three years with the Envy, then two years with the Cubists before becoming a Brent this season. One can only wonder if Owner Johnson will be offended by his receiver’s refusing to answer to that name. The Busters made an interesting pick with Brandon Marshall. The somewhat crazy receiver has had issues with the Broncos and may suffer with his new QB, but he has all kinds of talent. Owner Rich Joesph knows how to mold talent, so maybe this will work out. After taking a former-Cowboy, Chambers quickly made amends by taking a current Redskin: Santana Moss. Chambers drafted Moss back in 2002 and the tiny receiver has made his way to five different franchise before returning to Full of Bull City.

Round 4
31. Owen Daniels, Hou TE Red Herrings
32. Reggie Bush, NO RB Syracuse 44′s
33. Dallas Clark, Ind TE SF Cubists
34. Zach Miller, Oak TE Wookies
35. Tim Hightower, Ari RB County Coroners
36. James Harrison, Pit LB Weaselicious Cookies
37. Greg Olsen, Chi TE P-Miss Envy
38. Chris Wells, Ari RB Big Bad Bretts
39. LenDale White, Ten RB The Ballbusters
40. Anthony Gonzalez, Ind WR Full of Bull

Round four saw four teams fill their tight end slot, starting with the Herrings. All Mitchells know that a tight end is among the most important spot in fantasy football. Owen Daniels spent the majority of 2008 with the Herrings and the former Badger became the fourth tight end off the board. First, Reggie Bush loses Kim Kardashian and now he has been kicked to the curb by the Cubists. Stoer hope for more consistent production from the Saint RB who had spent every second of his previous Modano life with San Francisco. The only player left from the college supplementary draft on his original team is the 44’s Adrian Peterson. For the second straight year, Dallas Clark was a fourth round pick as he made his way to the Cubists. Clark was on the Envy last year and he should be a nice target for Aaron Rodgers (er, Peyton Manning).. The distraught Wookies saw the upper echelon tight ends flying off the board, so Will Mitchell reached for Raider TE Zach Miller. Like most Raiders, Miller is a long time Coroner who has yet to make much of a dent in the Modano world. Speaking of the Coroners, they selected Cardinal RB Tim Hightower who looked very good last year until he became a starter. Hightower can blast short runs into the endzone, but he is not assured of playing time. Missner continued to calm the Envy waters with Greg Olsen, who may be the top target in the Bears passing game. It looks like if the Bears score at all, Missner will get a part of it. The second Cardinal running back came off the board in Round 4 when Johnson selected the first rookie, Chris “Beanie” Wells. Dan Weitz quietly said, “What’s a Beanie?” Johnson has had success with young runners before but Wells’ injury history is not enviable. The Busters took a former Bull City player in LenDale White, who blasted in many a TD from short yardage last year. A nice pick. Anthony Gonzalez should get more targets now that Marvin Harrison (who wasn’t drafted for the first time in Modano history) and may be a nice third wideout for Full of Bull, who have given their QB options in the last three rounds.

Round 5
41. Ray Rice Bal RB Red Herrings
42. Patrick Willis SF LB Syracuse 44′s
43. Knowshon Moreno Den RB SF Cubists
44. Matt Ryan Atl QB Wookies
45. Darren Sproles SD RB County Coroners
46. Felix Jones Dal RB Weaselicious Cookies
47. Jay Cutler Chi QB P-Miss Envy
48. Donovan McNabb Phi QB Big Bad Bretts
49. DeSean Jackson Phi WR The Ballbusters
50. Jon Beason Car LB Full of Bull

The first half of Round Five featured players being brought back or drafted for the first time. Owner Charlie Mitchell enjoys a steaming bowl of rice. Yes, just rice. He also likes Ray Rice and drafted him for the second straight year. John Stoer continued fill out his top defense with Patrick Willis, the 2007 Sweeney Award Winner. The Cubists selected the second rookie of the draft in Knowshown Moreno, who Jason Moore hopes will be the reincarnation of Terrell Davis. Matt Ryan wasn’t selected last year, but he makes his way into the land of the contact high. The Wookies will likely test Ryan’s mettle with me-first players like T..O. and Randy Moss. Ryan will also have to feed Calvin Johnson to make sure he doesn’t go to the dark side. Believing that LaDainian Tomlinson may be on his way out, Chad Nuss selected Darren Sproles who had some solid games in 2008. The Cookies nabbed their second Cowboy of the draft (and third overall) with fast back Felix Jones who was a third round pick of the Herrings last year (and part of the reason they had the top pick this year). The Envy became the first team to take a backup quarterback as they brought in local favorite Jay Cutler, the most talent Bear quarterback in Missner’s lifetime. For the second time in three years, the Brents took Donovan McNabb to lead the team. The last time McNabb was a Brent, he failed to maneuver out of Brent’s shadow. Another Eagle came off the board in wildman DeSean Jackson. The 2008 rookie showed promise and will need to be molded by craftsman Joseph. Full of Bull started to fill their defense with Jon Beason of local Carolina. In the 2008 draft, Chambers had to ask who Beason was. In 2009, he knows.

Round 6
51. Lee Evans Buf WR Red Herrings
52. Hines Ward Pit WR Syracuse 44′s
53. Ahmad Bradshaw NYG RB SF Cubists
54. Stephen Gostkowski NE K Wookies
55. Shaun Hill SF QB County Coroners
56. Kevin Walter Hou WR Weaselicious Cookies
57. DeMeco Ryans Hou LB P-Miss Envy
58. Barrett Ruud TB LB Big Bad Bretts
59. Karlos Dansby Ari LB The Ballbusters
60. Santonio Holmes Pit WR Full of Bull

The Herrings selected their fourth wide receiver of the draft to continue to make Tom Brady happy. Lee Evans is from Wisconsin, is fast, and can catch the deep ball, but he won’t play every week on this squad. After taking a long time Wookie (Gates) and Cubist (Bush), John Stoer decided to pick a Bull. Hines Ward had spent the last four years with Bull City including a keeper year in 2006. Stoer should be able to learn many secrets of his rivals with these veterans. The Cubists took a flyer on Ahmad Bradshaw, who stands to get more carries now that Derrick Ward is in Tampa. The Wookies surprised the field by taking a kicker very, very early. Granted, if the Patriots offense in 2009 is anything like it was in 2007, Stephen Gotkowski could be a bargain, but Mitchell probably could have waited five round and still picked up his team’s toe man. The Coroners sincerely hope that Philip Rivers does not get hurt and just to prove the point, they took Shaun Hill from across the bay. The Cookies made a nice pick in Kevin Walter who come close to equally the other two Cookie receivers (Anquan Boldin and Braylon Edwards). The next three teams started to fill out their defenses. The Envy selected DeMeco “Please don’t call me DeMarco” Ryans from the Texans. Ryans had spent the last two years with the Cubists. The Brents opened their defensive purchases with Barrett Ruud who had never been selected before. The defensive run ended with the Busters who took former Brent Karlos Dansby. Without Hines Ward, the Bull needed an inspirational Steeler receiver to keep the Tugwells of North Carolina on their side. Chambers opted for Santonio Holmes, who single handedly won the Super Bowl with his dramatic catch.

Round 7
61. Jerod Mayo NE LB Red Herrings
62. Devin Hester Chi WR Syracuse 44′s
63. Ben Roethlisberger Pit QB SF Cubists
64. Julius Jones Sea RB Wookies
65. Eddie Royal Den WR County Coroners
66. Lance Briggs Chi LB Weaselicious Cookies
67. Donald Brown Ind RB P-Miss Envy
68. Le’Ron McClain Bal RB Big Bad Bretts
69. Bernard Berrian Min WR The Ballbusters
70. Eric Weddle SD DB Full of Bull

The Herrings start to fill in their defense with local boy Jerod Mayo. He was on the Herrings last year as well and Charlie is starting to build some brand loyalty. The 44’s hoped to get some Envy scoop from Devin Hester, but the stone-handed receiver has never been a P-Miss favorite. The Cubists selected their back up QB in Ben Roethlisberger, who started for the Brents last year. Julius Jones, a long time Cookie changes his C for a W and becomes a Wookie. He had been on the Cookies in each of the last four seasons. Eddie Royal had a nice rookie season with the Broncos last year and Nuss’s AFC West fetish took over. The Cookies snuck Lance Briggs away from the Envy and he will help James Harrison with the tackling duties. The Envy took a flyer on a Donald Brown, the possible heir to Joseph Addai’s riches. The Brents selected La’Ron McClain who is not related to John McCain. Bernard Berrian is a Ballbuster and could be the target of a lot of Farf bombs (or else he’ll get a bunch of tackles). Eric Weddle has never been drafted before and his name does not inspire confidence.

Round 8
71. LeSean McCoy Phi RB Red Herrings
72. Chester Taylor Min RB Syracuse 44′s
73. Jamal Lewis Cle RB SF Cubists
74. Lance Moore NO WR Wookies
75. Nate Kaeding SD K County Coroners
76. Chris Cooley Was TE Weaselicious Cookies
77. Shawne Merriman SD LB P-Miss Envy
78. Rashard Mendenhall Pit RB Big Bad Bretts
79. Brandon Meriweather NE DB The Ballbusters
80 Torry Holt Jax WR Full of Bull

Round eight started with another value pick by the Herrings. If something happens to Brian Westbrook, and he has been known to miss a game here and there, McCoy could get some playing time. Nice. The 44’s followed up with their own handcuff. Ches-Tay is All Day insurance. Jamal Lewis is old and slow, but he gained 1000 yards last year. He was a Cubist keeper in his prime from 2003 to 2005. Lance Moore broke out in 2008 while Colston was out. He might be a nice pick for the Wookies. The Coroners became the second team to name their kicker when they brought back Nate Kaeding. He’ll be warming the seat of Sea-Bass. Chad has selected Kaeding in each of the last three drafts. With all of their Cowboys in tow, the Cookies needed a Redskin to balance things out and selected Chris Cooley of their own volition. The Envy took a flyer on half-horse/half-man Shawne Merriman who is returning from a broken hoof. The Brents were not discouraged by Rashard Mendenhall’s shortened rookie season. He’s back. The Busters looked in their backyard for Brandon Meriweather. Finally, the Bulls brought back a three-time keeper in Torry Holt, who looks for a new lease on life in Jacksonville.

Round 9
81. Jonathan Vilma NO LB Red Herrings
82. Carson Palmer Cin QB Syracuse 44′s
83. D’Qwell Jackson Cle LB SF Cubists
84. Matt Cassel KC QB Wookies
85. Kirk Morrison Oak LB County Coroners
86. Jared Allen Min DL Weaselicious Cookies
87. Mario Williams Hou DL P-Miss Envy
88. Matt Hasselbeck Sea QB Big Bad Bretts
89. Erik Coleman SD DB The Ballbusters
90. Yeremiah Bell Mia DB Full of Bull

Jonathan Vilma was a ninth round pick of the Envy last year and is selected in the same round in 2009. He went to the U. Two years ago Carson Palmer was the top pick in the draft and he was a first round selection in three straight years. My how the mighty have fallen. He’ll likely have to play when something happens to Kurt Warner. The Cubists selected last year’s leading tackler, D’Qwell Jackson, who should get plenty of opportunities again with the Browns. Kirk Morrison has a lifetime contract with the Coroners (third year in a row they selected the Raider linebacker). Jared Allen loves to get his drink on. Mario Williams was selected before Reggie Bush three years ago. Now, he might be an impact defender. Matt Hassleback holds a clipboard like nobody’s business. Eric Coleman is not related to Gary as far as I know. Whachoo talkin’ about?!? Yeremiah Bell follows in the footsteps of Yancy Thigpen.

Round 10
91. Eli Manning NYG QB Red Herrings
92. Fred Taylor NE RB Syracuse 44′s
93. Ray Lewis Bal LB SF Cubists
94. Julius Peppers Car DL Wookies
95. Gibril Wilson Mia DB County Coroners
96. Kyle Orton Den QB Weaselicious Cookies
97. Percy Harvin Min WR P-Miss Envy
98. Calvin Pace NYJ LB Big Bad Bretts
99. Trent Edwards Buf QB The Ballbusters
100. Jason Elam Atl K Full of Bull

Eli Manning once beat Tom Brady in a Super Bowl. I was all drugged up, but I kind of remember it. Fred Taylor might be a nice value if the Patriots can resuscitate his career like they did with Randy Moss and… well, I can’t think of anyone else. Ray Lewis was a Cubist draft pick four years ago and has been selecting in every Modano draft (including being kept three times). Julius Peppers is the prototypical Wookie. Gerbil Wilson becomes a Coroners for the second straight year. With their own volition, the Cookies selected Kyle Orton. He was later cut for the Chiefs backup QB. The Envy took a flyer on another rookie with Percy Harvin. Calvin Pace plays defense. Trent Edwards can throw to Terrell Owens. Jason Elam hadn’t been selected since 2006.

Round 11
101. James Davis Cle RB Red Herrings
102. Willis McGahee Bal RB Syracuse 44′s
103. E.J. Henderson Min LB SF Cubists
104. Fred Jackson Buf RB Wookies
105. Kellen Winslow TB TE County Coroners
106. Chris Chambers SD WR Weaselicious Cookies
107. Laurence Maroney NE RB P-Miss Envy
108. Steve Breaston Ari WR Big Bad Bretts
109. Earnest Graham TB RB The Ballbusters
110. Donald Driver GB WR Full of Bull

Charlie Mitchell took his favorite player on the board in Round 11. James Davis is a former Clemson Tiger who backs up Jamal Lewis. He could get some run. The 44’s finally got their Envy insider in Willis McGahee, who had been kept by the Envy in the last four seasons before losing his wonder twin powers. E.J. Henderson is somebody Jamo likes. Fred Jackson will start the first three games for the Bills and should some skills last year when subbing for Marshawn Lynch. Winslow is a nice value pick in Round 11 by the Coroners. He will start at tight end for them. Dan Weitz made up his mind to pick Chris Chambers again as he has done in five of the last eight years. Laurence Maroney was a Herring keeper last year, but he fell from grace and into the 11th round. Steve Breaston is a third receiver. Earnest Graham has some potential if he can stay healthy. He was a third round pick last year.. Donald Driver stinks.

Round 12
111. London Fletcher Was LB Red Herrings
112. Osi Umenyiora NYG DL Syracuse 44′s
113. David Akers Phi K SF Cubists
114. Justin Tuck NYG DL Wookies
115. T.J. Duckett Sea RB County Coroners
116. Antoine Winfield Min DB Weaselicious Cookies
117. Brian Urlacher Chi LB P-Miss Envy
118. Josh Wilson Sea DB Big Bad Bretts
119. Ryan Longwell Min K The Ballbusters
120. James Farrior Pit LB Full of Bull

Round 12 was dominated by defense. Just a year ago, London Fletcher was a Coroner keeper. Now he is a 12th round draft pick for the Herrings. The 44’s hope Osi Umenyiori is back after getting hurt last year. David Akers was drafted for the second time in four years – both times by the Cubists. Justin Tuck played well in Umenyoiri’s absence and fills the Michael Strahan role. T.J. Duckett could play a role for the Seahawks and was drafted for the first time since 2005. The Cookies always seem to pick up Antoine Winfield, although he won’t be able to return Farf interceptions, except in practice this year. The Envy returned Brian Urlacher after a one-year sabbatical with the 44’s. Josh Wilson. The Busters took Longshakns, who like Duckett had not been drafted since 2005. The Bull selected James Farrior, a long time Cookie who had not been drafted since 2006.

Round 13
121. David Harris NYJ LB Red Herrings
122. Michael Crabtree SF WR Syracuse 44′s
123. Laveranues Coles Cin WR SF Cubists
124. D.J. Williams Den LB Wookies
125. Terrell Suggs Bal LB County Coroners
126. Nick Folk Dal K Weaselicious Cookies
127. Robbie Gould Chi K P-Miss Envy
128. Jerricho Cotchery NYJ WR Big Bad Bretts
129. Bernard Pollard KC DB The Ballbusters
130. Jason Campbell Was QB Full of Bull

The Herrings drafted David Harris for the second straight year. The 44’s took a flyer on Michael Crabtree who was subsequently cut when Brent Farf decided to unretire. Lavernues Coles got drafted for the eighth straight year by his eighth different franchise (Busters, Brents, Losers, Wookies, Blatz, Herrings, Envy, Cubists). The Wookies finished off their defense with D.J. Williams. The Coroners did the same with Terrell Suggs who they drafted last in 2007. Nick Folk becomes the latest Cookie kicker. Robbie Gould does the same for the Envy and becomes the team’s fifth Bear and second in a row. Jerricho Cotchery has a funny name. Bernard Pollard broke Tom Brady and was cut. Jason Campbell makes his way to Bull City as a backup for Drew Brees.

Round 14
131. Mason Crosby GB K Red Herrings
132. Rob Bironas Ten K Syracuse 44′s
133. Josh Morgan SF WR SF Cubists
134. Shonn Greene NYJ RB Wookies
135. JaMarcus Russell Oak QB County Coroners
136. Miles Austin Dal WR Weaselicious Cookies
137. Leon Washington NYJ RB P-Miss Envy
138. Rian Lindell Buf K Big Bad Bretts
139. Kevin Boss NYG TE The Ballbusters
140. Visanthe Shiancoe Ten TE Full of Bull

Kicker. Kicker. 49er receiver. Jet runner with potential. Russell goes to the Coroners – no one is surprised. Cookies take a flyer on another Cowboy and a second Jet runner goes. Kicker. Back up tight end – subsequently cut. Mr. Irrelevant is the new Bubba Franks (and Bull starter).

———————————Scoobidty Doo Waa Waa Press—————————————————//

2001 – Awards Banquet

2001 YEAR END AWARDS BANQUET

• All-Pro Team
• Keepers
• Sneaky Pete Trophy for Most Surprising Player of the Year
• Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player
• Eric Wunderkind Rookie of the Year Award
• The Don Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year
• The La-la-la-lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award
• Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Owner/Coach

The Event: The 2001 Year End Modano Mi Hermano Awards Ceremony

The Place: Historic Kolf Gymnasium on the campus of the Univeristy of Wisconsin at Oshkosh where Peter Wu made umpteen jump shots, the Ultimate Warrior was rooted against and the legend of Dean was born

From the billowing dried ice, a familiar beat is heard. Commissioner Tugwell emerges from within the faux smoke, clad in parachute pants and a half-shirt, to delight the audience with his own foot-stomping version of MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” Tugwell segues flawlessly into Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” and wows the audience with never-seen-before dance moves. Through all of his contortions, the Commish never comes close to breaking a sweat. As the Queen bass beat dwindles away, Tugwell grabs the mic and introduces our hosts.

Todd Tugwell: Now, give it up for two of my closest homies – Regis Philbin and Stuart Scott!!!

[After that wondrous dancing, the crowd is less than blown away by the hosts and only a few derisive claps are heard]

Stuart Scott: This must be silence because quiet does not sound like that.

Regis Philbin: Yes, thank you, Stuart – or, if I may – booyes…

SS: No, no, no, white boy, it’s Boo!-Yah!

RP: Uh, but isn’t ‘boo’ a bad thing?

SS: Not when it’s got a Yah attached to its caboose.

RP: [getting upset] But I never heard anything so ridiculous. Boos are bad. I know it in my gut. Why, there is no booing on my show “Do You Want to be a Millionaire?”

SS: Is that piece of crap still on?

RP: Why yes, Stuart, it is. We may not be getting the audience we had a year or two ago, but we put on a fine family show.

SS: Yeah, I would say that your show is almost as popular as your school of choice – Notre Dame. I hear that George O’Leary has been hired to teach the Ethics class.

RP: Well, if we want to talk about former schools, we could talk about Matt Doherty and Kris Lang ain’t getting’ it done down in Chapel Hill. How do you like that one, Stuey? I did my research.

SS: OK, OK. I think we’re here for a reason and that reason is not to insult each other (although it is fun). We are here to present some year end awards for the recently completed 2001 Modano Mi Hermano season.

RP: Right you are, Stu. We are here to answer –

SS: Is that your final answer? I couldn’t resist.

RP: Before we get to the All-Pro team, the media has just sent me a message that they would like to salute the fine owners of the Modano league who opened up their locker rooms after the game for the media to ask them inane questions. While all owners allowed the media in at least once, three owners get special commendations from the media. These three owners submitted answers to questions every week without every say “just shut the hell up.”

SS: Cubists’ Owner Jason Moore showed that good guys can win and you don’t have to say anything bad about anyone unless prompted. Owner Dan Weitz showed that there is no bottom of the barrel that his gutter mouth couldn’t reach, but he did it in a family way that involved the entire Weitz clan. And, Owner John Stoer, whose constant wit and love of orange helped ensure funny recaps. Thank you, all.

RP: And now we’d like to have a special presentation of some guys who did things right in 2001. It is the All-Pro Team

SS: Yeah, these guys were straight buttah! Unlike in 2000 when the all pro team was made of positions of teams that performed with excellence, this year’s all pro teams were made of players who had more all pro performances than any other. If there were two or more players with the same amount of all pro performances, the tie breaker was the high game.

RP: That came into play in the first position we will examine – the QB position. There were actually three fellas who had 9 all pro performances apiece. I can feel myself getting mad that the other two didn’t get any kudos and I might start shouting for no particular reason! Now, I am shouting and I can’t calm down!

[Scott slaps Philbin in what is sure to be just the beginning of the violence in tonight’s ceremony]

RP: Thank you, my brother.

SS: I ain’t your brutha. But back to the QB situation. It looked like the 44’s’ Donovan McNabb would be the man this year, but he faded down in the stretch and did not play in Week 18. His high game was 33. Cubist Aaron Brooks also had 9 all pro games, but his high game was 27. Plus, he was a Farf bench caddie so he loses points with the national media.

RP: The all pro team’s QB was Loser Kurt Warner. He had the requisite 9 all pro performances and had a nice high game of 35. Right behind, Warner, of course, is the incomparable Cookie Marshall Faulk. Despite missing a few games in the middle of the season, Faulk had 7 all pro games and a high of 34. He was also the highest rated non-QB.

SS: The rest of the running backs in the league must have played like absolute Shiite moslems because the second RB on the all-pro squad was Brent Green A-hole. He pushed his way onto the team with a Week 18 21 point performance, just edging out Cubist Corey Dillon (4 AP’s – high of 31) and Bear Shaun Alexander (4 AP’s – high of 35).

RP: The wide receiver (or as we used to call them split ends) combo was a familiar pair. Cubist WR Terrell Owens was in a class by himself this season with 6 all pro games and a high of 30. While Owens might not be liked by his coach or his teammates, he knows how to go Live – with Regis and some other idiot.

SS: The other wide receiver was an inspirational story. The man who could almost not go home again, did – as Owner John Stoer beat down the Bears door and brought back WR Marvin Harrison. Harrison had 5 all pro performances (1 with the Bears) and a high game of 30. The guys who almost made the team were Randy Moss and James Thrash with 4 all pro games apiece.

RP: The tight end slot almost went as empty as the recent audiences for Who Wants to be a Millionare. It gets difficult to poll the audience when there are only four people out there. Fortunately, Cubist TE Tony Gonzalez came up with an 18 point performance for the third year in a row.

SS: Reeg, have you noticed that all the players on the all pro team were keepers? These owners know what they are doing, I guess.

RP: You are right. There is probably more football knowledge in the 10 Modano owners’ heads than in all of Brown County, Wisconsin (where Green Bay happens to be). The kicking position was dominated by 44’s. Starting K Jason Elam had two all-pro performances with a high of 16. The only week he was out, K John Hall came in and booted in 19 points. Wow!

SS: John Stoer knows feet. The defense was led by, who else? Envy LB Brian Urlacher. Urlacher led all defenders in points and had 4 all-pro games, topped by a record equaling 28 point performance. 28 points by a defensive player – that’s incredible.

RP: The other two Envy defensive flex members, Ray Lewis and Jeremiah Trotter – 3 all pros apiece – were edged out by some up’n’comers. Cubists’ LB Ronde Barber had three all pro games with a high of 24, which included three picks of the Cubists’ QB Aaron Brooks.

SS: Finally, we had a tie for the last DF all pro slot. Wookie DL Michael Strahan had three all-pro games and a high of 22, but was almost kicked out of the league for colluding with dimwit QB Brent Farf. His totals were equaled by Cookie LB Jamir Miller, who overcame lousy defensive coaching to be an all pro.

[You can see the entire all-pro team by clicking here]

RP: You know, we have been gabbing up here for what seems like hours, but we need to turn things over to the owners a bit more. You know, those ten guys are the reason we are in this stinky gym.

SS: You are so right, Reeg. But we also know that the owners will be far from objective when naming their KEEPERS for the 2002 season, so we went out and found the most objective football man we could find. Since we could no longer afford Mel Kiper Jr., let me present my ESPN colleague – Tom Oates.

Tom Oates: As the NFC representative for ESPN.com, I make sure that all of my columns truly represent the NFC. I try to cover all of the teams from the Rams all the way down to the Lions equally. I also have a fair knowledge of the Modano Mi Hermano league as I have been quoted frequently in the columns. I think my broad knowledge of football shines through.

RP: So, who do you see winning the Super Bowl this year, Tom?

TO: Oh, that’s an easy call – it’s the Green Bay Packers. With Brent Farf behind center I don’t think they can be beaten.

SS: But, Tom, they were beaten soundly by the Rams a couple of weeks ago.

TO: Not in my world.

RP: Okay… Let’s start with team that will have the first pick in the 2002 draft. No, not the Devils. It is Will Mitchell and his Peaks Island Wookies who endured the second worst season ever in Modano history, accentuated by the fact that they lost three ties. Oh, and by the way, I voted for George Bush Jr. three times in Florida.

[Mitchell rushes the stage and spears Philbin, knocking him off the stage, which causes a large splat. Mitchell then kicks Philbin a few times and spits on him twice]

Will Mitchell: [slapping his hands together as if just finished with a job well done] I apologize to everyone for the violence, but I needed a place to channel the anger I have carried with me all season. Regis’ head seemed like a good place. The Wookies are better than 3-14 and they will show it in 2002. To show that the team has turned over a new leaf, I am keeping two of the three keepers I had from last year. QB Drew Bledsoe has a Wookie contract for life. Of course, if he gets traded from the Patriots, that contract is null and void. RB Ricky Williams had a solid season for us, although he faded in the second half. He’ll be back. Hell, I once traded Eddie George for him. Heh heh heh. Finally, the new keeper is WR Rod Smith, who will take over the broken Bronco slot from RB Terrell Davis. It was hard to let Strahan go – even thoough Farf gave him the record.

TO: Clearly, Will, you are in for another long season. Bledsoe was just awful when the Packers beat the Pats in the Super Bowl in 1996. He’s not very good. Rod Smith was able to help the Broncos beat the Packers in the Super Bowl in 1997, but that was due to some questionable tactics by former-coach Mike Holmgren. Current coach Ray “Don’t squeeze the” Sherman would never do anything like Holmgren. Williams is a solid runner, but would be much better on a team that played on grass. My prediction is that the Wookies will be 5-12.

WM: [menacingly, if you can imagine that] You want me to do to you like I did to Philbin’s head?!?

TO: [frightened] Uh no, how about 6-11.

WM: [satisfied] That’s better!

SS: The Coroners fell from their usual 8-9 to 5-12. That could have been due to the fact that they kept two QB’s and couldn’t play them both. Let’s see what Owner Chad Nuss has up his sleeve for 2002. It’s surely to be filled with Raiders.

Chad Nuss: Before I announce my keepers, I just have a few things to say about the instant reply rule in the NFL. It *^%$& Brady &#^$&^#$* &#%^$&^ ^#%$% Woodson &#$&#% ^#%$%^#$ *#$&*#$*@!!! Ahem, I am keeping Rich Gannon, Tim Brown and Jeff Garcia. I am also petitioning the league to let Garcia line up as a tight end. It wasn’t really hard to cut anybody. I like to stay mediocre so I do the same things every year.

TO: I know 49ers Coach Steve Marucci well and he tells me that he may be going with Rick Mirer in 2002, so Garcia is a huge risk. Gannon and Brown are Nuss favorites as Raiders, but both are old. I think the Coroners will be 5-12 in 2002.

CN: That seems fair. I’ll sit down now.

SS: Now, the losingest and least active franchise in the league. Owner Rob Oaoua’s Walnut Creek Mountain Devils.

Rob Ouaou: Thank you, Stuart, for pronouncing my name exactly right. The precise amount of ‘Ou,’ surrounding the ‘a.’ I am going to go with the strongest player I have at each main offensive position: QB Peyton Manning, RB Priest Holmes and WR David Boston. Peyton will roar back with less ints next year and a revamped offense. Ex-raven Holmes is a risk. Derrick Brooks was a major disappointment this year, as he accrued most of my points last year. By the way, I will be trying to draft both Grammatica brothers next year. I love the way they celebrate. It reminds me of Kool & the Gang.

TO: Manning, Holmes and Boston, eh? These seem like solid picks. However, I am sure Tony Dungy will ruin the offensive plan in Indy, so Manning is no three time MVP winner. Holmes is ok. And Boston is a nice city, but c’mon, he’s no Sterling Sharpe. I’d say the Devils will be 5-12.

RO: An improvement? All right!

SS: Next, are the Weaselicious Cookies who are owner by the Weitz family. Careful, Tom, they don’t like you.

TO: I can handle myself.

Dan Weitz: [glaring at Oates] I am keeping RB Marshall Faulk (the rest of the owners sigh), WR Easy Ed McCafferty, who never wanted to be a Loser and showed how much he disliked it, and QB Brian Griese. Emmitt was very hard to cut but its about what have you done for me lately. I’m just going on record as saying Faulk is my player of the game every game next year so I can skip that part of the interview.

TO: As far as I know, none of these players have ever been associated with Mike Holmgren, although Ray Rhodes will show all sorts of different schemes for Griese and McCafferty. That should really help their development as Das Ubercoachen usually has the midas touch. The Cookies will be 5-12.

DW: Oates, that guy was the best coach ever for the Packers. I will never understand why they fired him. He was going to lead them into 70’s-80’s quagmire again.

TO: I am not sure what point you are trying to make. As far as I am concerned the Packers went right from the early 70’s to Brent Farf.

DW: And you are a national reporter?

TO: Yes, I make a great deal of money reporting.

DW: But you suck so bad?!?

SS: Hey now, Coach Weitz, that is no way to speak to a pre-eminent journalist.

DW: But he sucks so bad?!?

TO: OK, Weitz, what is up with your attitude? I just call ‘em as I see ‘em. The Packers are the greatest!

[Weitz, followed by the next owner on the docket, Perry Missner, fly through the air and give Oates the high-low sandwich. Oates screams out in pain and his green and yellow blood flows freely – showing that Oates is not human but some form of sub-human. Weitz and Missner kick Oates’ body onto the crumbled heap that was once Regis Philbin.]

SS: Now who is going to give us expert commentary on the keepers?

DW: Ooh, ooh, I will.

SS: Do we have to pay you?

DW: Only in bug juice.

SS: Fair enough. Up next is Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy who denied the Cookies a chance at a winning record.

Perry Missner: Do you have to remind him? Although it was one shining moment in a rather gray season. I am going with three new keepers this year. My keepers are Anthony Thomas, Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis. I have heard it so many times that it is implanted in my brain – defense wins championships. OK, maybe not in the fantasy world, but is there a more potent 1-2 punch. A-train looks like a keeper for a long time. It was hard to let go of McNair, but we’ll renegotiate his contract if his agent is willing. George was bad and Holt was moderate so they won’t be missed.

DW: I think the Envy are headed in the wrong direction. You need touchdowns to win in fantasy football and these keepers are not going to score touchdowns. Even A-train was replaced in goal line stands by Leon Johnson. And the Bears will get no credit until they beat the Packers again.

PM [hanging his head in shame]: Yes, this Bears season was a complete failure, despite the fact that they were 13-3. Well, A-train and Urlacher will be great in 2002 and maybe the Envy will be able to get out to a better start than the past couple of years.

DW: And don’t try picking up that piece of crap Joey Galloway – he’s finished.

PM: Yes, Mr. Weitz.

DW: [slurping down another cup of bug juice] I’m loving this job. Who’s next, Stuart?

TO: [crawling back on the podium] I just want to say a few words about the Inbred Brentful Brents and their keepers…

Steve Johnson: As if anyone, even Tom Oates, couldn’t figure out. My keepers are Brent Farf, Green A-hole and Edgerrin James. I had a tough time cutting Joe Horn, but Joe, you’ve come on strong late in the year, playing like the keeper that your are. If only there were 4 keeper slots, you’d be the man, but thats just not the case. You’ll be high on my list next year, and dont worry, we will keep your resume on file for up to two years.

TO: [Groaning with intense pain] It’s clear that the Brents will be the team to beat in 2002. After clearing the way for Farf by trading that ingrate, Peyton Manning, Johnson established himself as one of the finest minds in football today.

DW: [Kicking Oates off the podium again] Shut up, idiot! Steve, I have backstabbed you so many times in email Diplomacy that I can’t believe your awful keepers. You have turnover kings in Farf and Fumblin’ Green. James is coming off of major surgery and as we have all learned from Grant Hill – that’s not an easy thing to do. Let’s see, based on the keepers, I say 4-13 for the Brents.

SJ: But…

DW: Next!

SS: Dan, you are going to love this, buddy. It’s Steve “the Einar” Olsen and his Luvable Losers.

DW: Key-rist!

Steve “the Einar” Olsen: My keepers are Kurt Warner, Fred Taylor and LaDainian Tomlinson. Warner is a no brainer, Tomlinson was my most consistant back and has a huge potential. While Taylor is a huge risk, he also has a huge potential. It was hard to cut Davis and all my Packers!

TO: [from behind the podium] Nooooooooo….

DW: Kurt Warner is due for an injury. Less than Farfy Beans, but still due. Fred Taylor is an injury. And Marty Schottenheimer will figure out some way to screw up Tomlinson. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Losers go winless next year. Easy Ed has given me a lot of inside tips.

SO: Whatever! You can start talking when the Cookies beat the Losers once.

DW: Ugh, that hurt.

SS: Now, we are getting into the upper echelons of the league. The Sidwell friends dominated in 2001 and they should have plenty of ammunition in 2002. We start with Randy Chambers and his Bull City Bears.

Randy Chambers: I am keeping Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss again and supplementing them with Shaun Alexander. If Fumbling Watters had not got hurt when he did, I was on the verge of giving up on Alexander, since the Walrus don’t like him. However, Watters injury saved me, and Shaun. Another Fumble! I had a lot of tough decisions on how to cut. Here were the hardest guys to cut: The Bus, cuz he’s so warm and cuddly. That, and he’s so consistent, when healthy. Curtis, cuz he was the man all year long and is incredibly consistent. And healthy. And I traded a keeper to get him! Jimmy Smith — perhaps the most consisent WR this side of Marvin over the history of the league.

DW: Culpepper is a beast, but who knows about Randy Moss. He might decide he doesn’t want to play in 2002 and go on to write cooking books or something. Alexander will be ruined by the Walrus – something I am sure Chambers knows. Hopefully, the Bears will have a better kicking game in 2002. The Bears are pretty consistent, I’ll say 10-7.

SS: From Bull City, we head up to Syracuse.

John Stoer: My keepers are Donovan McNabb and Marvin Harrison, of course, and Garrison Hearst to keep up the running game. Two automatics. It came down to KJ or Hearst and I just felt that it was better balance to go with a RB and a WR than two receivers. Hopefully I can pick up KJ early in next season’s draft.

DW: I wouldn’t count on that one, buddy. Johnson showed that he was go to guy in Cleveland and he will be taken early in the draft. Keeping Hearst is almost as bad as keeping Fred Taylor. Almost. Hearst is a good player, but he may give a lot of carries to Kevan Barlow, especially in the red zone. The 44’s are a roller coaster team, but getting swept by the Cookies in 2002 won’t help. I’d say 6-11.

SS: Finally, we have reached the New York Yankees/Los Angeles Lakers of the Modano Mi Hermano league. Jason Moore, I know that you had a tough time making a final decision on your keepers, but are you leaning one way or another?

Jason Moore: Frankly, Stuart, I am still at loggerheads. I don’t know what Steve Spurrier will mean to Stephen Davis. I need to know what is going on with Tony Gonzalez’s need and his need to play basketball. I can tell you that Terrell Owens will remain by the bay. Gonzalez and his agent are playing hard ball, but I think they will be back. Finally, I think I will go with Corey Dillon who might be the best pure runner in the NFL. Or I’ll change my mind and go with Aaron Brooks, Troy Brown and Jeff Wilkins. When is the deadline anyway?

DW: Far be it from me to comment on this team. Every year, Moore seems to push out a winner. I thought this game was all about luck, but the Cubists are un-freakin’-believable.

SS: That about does it for the keepers. Just to throw a few wacky numbers at you. No team kept all three of their keepers from 2001, but 5 teams kept 2, three teams kept 1 and the Devils and Envy kept none. Of the 30 keepers, we had a nice balance. 13 were kept, 14 were not kept and three are with new teams – all traded. The smell of Regis and Oates is starting to get to me, so while we have the Kolf clean up crew bag’n’tag them, we’ll take a short commercial break. By the way, we are being sponsored by Depends Undergamrents – they keep Dan Dierdorf dry, when he remembers to wear them.

[You can see all of the keepers by clicking here]

SS: OK, we are back and the smell has improved greatly. It must be lemony fresh, because stank don’t smell like that! Before we start the presentations, Commissioner Tugwell would like to make an announcement.

TT: [dressed now in a white shirt, tuxedo jacket, red cummerbund and no pants]: Because we had so many ties last year, the league higher-ups decided to ask for ranked votes. While the system was confusing to many, there were no ties this year and those that should have won did. For time constraint reasons, we will only go over those given a first place vote or top three in the voting. Links will be provided so that you can see all of the votes. Secondly, I would like to point out to anyone who didn’t already realize what these votes were for – these votes are solely for the Modano Mi Hermano league. Anyone who thought the votes were for the NFL was sorely mistaken and will be made fun of. While I would like to say it is nothing personal, it is. Back to you, Stuart.

SS: Because my lips are getting tired and the powers that be don’t want to pay me for the entire show (cheap bastards), this year we will be having separate presenters for each of the awards. To present the Sneaky Pete Trophy for the Most Surprising Player, we have a surprising duo: Joe Theisman and Mr. T.

Joe Theisman: It’s great to be here in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, although I must admit that these dismal January days are starting to fade my tan.

Mr. T: Yeah, fool, what color is you, anyways? Yuh skin is some sort of leathery orange – a bit like George Peppard.

JT: First of all, I graduated from Notre Dame, so clearly I am a Catholic. Second, I simply do not like to be called fool as I am able to diagram any football play, get Robert Edwards injured or tell you just how that third timeout would have been crucial to winning a game.

MT: I don’t know what the hell you are talking about so you had better shut up, fool!

JT: Yes, Mr. T.

MT: All right, you read from that card, fool, ‘cause I can’t.

JT: [quietly] I knew I was smart, very smart. We had some interesting candidates. The Wookies selected Anthony Thomas (and he also received a third place vote) for going from a second round pick to a superbly powerful back. He was clearly the locomotive for the Bears, and the Envy, offense. Surprisingly, Tom Brady picked up some support for this award as the Einar thought he was the most surprising player in the league. The real surprise is that anyone would vote for a guy who appeared in just one game, even though he did score 24 points in that one game.

MT: You would have to be a complete fool to vote for that dude.

JT: For once, T, I agree with you. Even worse than the Einar’s vote was the one from his arch-nemesis, the Weasel. He voted for QB Kordell Stewart who had a fine NFL season but didn’t manage to make it off the 44’s bench after being picked up late in the season. What kind of surprise is that?

MT: That’s even less surprising than a plot of the A*Team.

JT: You could set your watch by those. A more serious vote was submitted by Rob Ouaou who pegged Bears RB Shaun Alexander. Buried by the Walrus and Watters, Alexander busted out in 11 games with 143 points. Pretty sweet.

MT: Sweet as winning the tough guy award on Real People with Sarah Purcell and Skip Stevenson!

JT: But the winner of the award, by a not so surprisingly landslide margin, was RB Priest Holmes who was cut by the Cookies, traded by the Brents and landed running for the Devils. The 44’s, Envy, Brents, Bears, Coroners and Cubists all voted for him. The Devils and Priest made a fine combo as the ex-Ravens runner ran for a total of 134 points in 12 games. He made Ouaou look like a genius as he totally outplayed Edgerring James and left the Walnut Creek faithful with real hope for 2002.

Priest Holmes: I learned a lot from 2001 Sneaky Pete winner Michael Anderson and I will not fail the Devils in 2002. Priest shall be the guiding hand to Heaven for the Devils in 2002.

[You can see all of the voting and comments for the Sneaky Pete Award by clicking here]

SS: Preist Holmes might be the feel good story of the year. From there, let me introduce two guys who are certainly in the running for the next award – Troy Aikman and Brent Farf to present the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player.

Troy Aikman: [in a monotone] When one can feel the momentum shifting as sensitively as someone like me, you can really feel which way the wind blows.

Brent Farf: I feel the wind blows when I goes Comanche.

TA: [laughing, in a monotone sort of way] Yes, I see what you mean, Brent. You know, Brent, I am a lot like Tom Oates in that I regard as you as all that is right with football.

BF: You mean my former addiction to drugs?

TA: No, Brent, not that.

BF: You mean the way I love my relatives in a more than familial way?

TA: No, Brent, not that either.

BF: You mean the way I get a crooked smile and jump around like a moron when I score a TD.

TA: Yes, I guess that is it. You know, the Packers are a fine organization and if I come back I wouldn’t mind back you up, if you know what I am saying?

[A voice from the back of gym shouts in glee at the talk of an Aikman comeback]

BF: As you know, I am a dimwitted slob, so you’ll have to speak a bit more clearly, Troy.

TA: Brent, I like the way your tootsie looks in those awful yellow pants.

BF: I think I better find some Vicamoid.

TA: Well, before Brent goes into la-la land, let’s announce the nominees and winner of the Pussier award.

BF: Some guy named Perry Missner nominated me!!!

TA: Well, I guess that makes sense since once you were given the starting QB job for the Brents, you helped them get blown out in 5 straight games. Brent, that is very disappointing.

BF: I am sorry, Troy.

TA: One first place vote was cancelled because Will Mitchell voted for his own player, Terri Glenn.

BF: That’s a no-no.

TA: Glenn was disappointing, but he did not get any other votes. Two guys with one first place vote were two former keepers: Eddie George and Elvis Grbac. George rallied somewhat to score 71 points on the season but averaged an abysmal 5.5 points per game. He was nominated by the Cookies and received two second place votes to come in second place in the balloting. Grbac started the season with big hopes of a big season with offensive genius Brian Billick at the helm, but he faded into total obscurity as he was eclipsed by the Manning. The Cubists selected Grbac.

BF: Blah, blah, blah, too much talking. I want to get off the stage so I can call Peter King and tell him how my life is about learning – like about hunting.

TA: Only two players received multiple votes and the only thing they have in common is that they were members of the 1998 Cubist championship team. The 44’s and Bears agreed that Fred Taylor and his crummy groin were really disappointing. The two-year Loser keeper was only able to play in two games and managed just 4 points total. He made Eddie George look like a stud.

BF: Yeah, but, who is the winner?

TA: The winner is one of your buddies, Randi Moss. While the whiny bitch put up decent numbers, 139 points in 15 games for the Bears, it was his lackadaisical attitude that owners found galling. The Brents, Coroners, Losers and Devils all found his belief that he was more important to the game most disappointing and he received twice the points of anyone else. The 1998 Sneaky Pete and Wunderkind Award winner has fallen so far.

Randi Moss: I didn’t really feel like showing up here, but I was told that if I didn’t I would lose my eligibility to the Hall of Fame. Actually, why should I try when I get paid either way?

[You can see all of the voting and comments for the Mark Pussier Award by clicking here]

SS: That is most disappointing. The guy has wack skillz, but his brain is lacking. Speaking of lacking brains, let me present Miss Cleo and Carrot Top, the presenters of the Eric Wunderkind Weinrich Rookie of the Year Award.

Carrot Top: So, Miss Cleo, they say you are psychic.

Miss Cleo: That’s right, I am.

CT: Well, if that’s true, can you tell me my real god-given name?

MC: Surely, it is George L. Flamenski.

CT: Wow, you knew, but, baby, you can call me Carrot Top!

MC: Well, you can CALL ME NOW!!!

CT: Gosh, are we lame. Nevertheless, we are getting paid top bug juice to dole out this Rookie of the Year award, so faster than you can dial down the center, we had better get started.

MC: Right you are, Top, first, let me present to you a vote that defies all psychic knowledge or reason. The Einar tabbed Kendrell Bell as the Rookie of the Year.

CT: Kendrell Bell? Didn’t he spend the entire year on the waiver wire?

MC: Yeah, mon, that’s the one. He didn’t play a single game this season, nor was he on any team’s bench at all. Yet he gets a vote. Can you explain it?

CT: Well, well, well… no, I can’t. Let’s move on. Randy Chambers decided to keep his vote in the family as he voted for the Envy’s impressive rookie from Wisconsin, WR Chris Chambers. Chambers also received two second place votes and two third place votes.

MC: Two runners received two first place votes and plenty of other support. The Cubists’ Dominic Rhodes received two first place votes (from the Envy and Cookies), two second place votes and a third place vote. He replaced Edgerrin James well and scored an incredible 87 points in 6 showings. That’s nearly an all-pro average. The Losers’ RB LaDainian Tomlinson (a keeper) got two firsts (from the Brents and Devils), and three seconds. He started the season like gangbusters, but wore toward the end. He gave the Einar 120 points in 16 starts.

CT: But the winner, in fine fashion, was the Envy’s Anthony Thomas. He was drafted by the Envy, cut after seeing no playing time, and wisely traded back for Correll Buckhalter from the 44’s before he blossomed into a big-time big back. Thomas, who was picked by the 44’s, Wookies, Coroners and Cubists, scored 94 points in 11 games, but his average was lowered by the fact that Missner left him for several games when his status was a game time decision.

Anthony Thomas: It is an honor just to be nominated with Chambers, Tomlinson and Rhodes, but not Kendrell Bell. I hope to continue the fine tradition of the Envy ground attack and am happy to be the second straight Envy Weinrich Award Winner (with Michael Anderson from 2001).

[You can see all of the voting and comments for the Weinrich Award by clicking here]

SS: Thank you, Top, Cleo. Fine work. We are moving through these awards at lightning pace. Up next is the Don Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year Award. To introduce the nominees and winner are Michael Strahan and Daryl “Moose” Johnston.

[The entire crowd chants “Moose” although Hans Mulman was saying “Moo-urns”]

Daryl Johnston: Michael, I understand that you are up for this award.

Michael Strahan: I damn well better be. I worked my fanny off this season and I deserved all 22.5 sacks. I repeat, I deserved every damn one of them.

DJ: But there are those who believe inbred moron Brent Farf was in cahoots with you for the last one as he basically fell at your feet.

MS: It did appear that way, I know, but what people don’t is the inside story. I had just imbibed one of my grandmammy’s special brews of carrots, onions, garlic, Gatorade and some brown stuff which she won’t tell me what it is but she gets it every time she goes out with the dog, Rufus. Well, that stuff makes me breath fire – or something like it. So, when I got close to that idiot, I just opened up my yaw and let out a big belch of grandmammy’s fire breathing potion. He went down like the hillbilly cracker he is.

DJ: That is a fascinating, nearly unbelieveable story.

MS: Ain’t it though, now, give me my award.

DJ: Not so fast, Michael, while you did received two first place votes (from the Envy and Cubists) and two second place votes, you simply did not have enough points to overcome the eventual winner.

MS: Was it two time Sweeney winner Ray Lewis?

DJ: No, Lewis, despite accruing the second most points of any defensive player came in third. He received the first place vote from Devils.

MS: Was it Ronde Barber?

DJ: No, it wasn’t Donde es la either. Although the Cubists’ Barber did lead all defensive backs in points, he only received the Bears’ first place vote and two seconds and a third.

MS: It better not have been Kendrell Bell?!?

DJ: Fortunately not. Bell received the Einar’s vote, although, once again, he did not play for any Modano team nor was he on anyone’s bench at any time of the season. Bell also received a third place vote from the Wookies, who had their vote revoked for voting for Lawyer Milloy – their own player.

MS: I just can’t imagine who was better than all of those players and me.

DJ: Can’t you? Even without the media campaigning in his favor, Envy LB Brian Urlacher took home four first place votes (from the 44’s, Brents, Coroners and Cookies) and three second place votes. Urlacher led all defenders with 159 points in 16 games, and his 28 point outburst won’t soon be forgotten.

MS: While I am disappointed by not winning the award, I can see the voters point. Urlacher was awesome.

Brian Urlacher: Thanks, Michael. I would like to split this award with Perry Missner who gave the chance to play and rescued me last year from the 44’s for Peter Warrick. Also, I would like to inform everyone that Tom Oates is an idiot. Thank you for the award.

[You can see all of the voting and comments for the Don Sweeney Award by clicking here]

SS: Geeze, not much support for ESPN’s Tom Oates in the community. That’s two Envy/Chicago Bear winners among the four awards. Perhaps things are turning around in the windy city. Now, we get to the two biggest awards, which I will be presenting myself. The first is the La-la-la-lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award. As usual, there seemed to be a lot of definitions for MVP award. Some believed it had to be the best player from the best team. Others believed that the MVP should be the one player that could least be replaced by his team. One owner, Chad Nuss, took the option of abstaining in the belief that it might get Coroners QB Rich Gannon more support for the NFL MVP. For a system QB, come on! Still others, and they are in the dim-witted minority, believed that it had something to do with the NFL. Why else would Kordell Stewart receive so much support? The oddest vote was from the Cookies for RB Priest Holmes. Dan Weitz couldn’t vote for any of the players he thought really deserved it, so he went with Holmes who had a fine season, although we’re not sure about MVP caliber. He did play for three different teams and kept his average about 10 with two of them – not the Cookies. The Einar tossed his vote into the crapper again by voting for Brent Farf. Farf single-handedly led his team out of first place and into the middle division. That the Brents were able to stay above .500 for the first time is more a credit to Steve Johnson than to Farf. The Cubists’ Terrell Owens received the 44’s vote for being the best player on the best team. It’s hard to argue with that as Owens led all receivers with 189 points for a 11.8 points per game average. Owens also received 3 fourth place votes and a fifth place vote. Three players received two first place votes. The only non-Ram was QB Donovan McNabb who received first place votes from the Cubists and Bears and a second place vote. McNabb started the season with four straight all pro games and looked like a lock for greater things. While McNabb had 5 more all pro games, he was never able to push the 44’s into wins when they weren’t on their game. However, it is clear that McNabb and the 44’s will be forces to be reckoned with in the future. The non-winning Ram for MVP was QB Kurt Warner, the 1999 Modano league MVP. Warner led all players with 293 points for a 18.3 points per game average. Without him, the Envy and Devils believed the Losers would have been in deep doo-doo. So it is clear who the winner is. For the second year in a row, Cookies RB Marshall Faulk is the Modano League MVP. Faulk was simply outstanding with only two games of less than double digits. Faulk was once again unable to lead the Cookies to a winning record, but his shear excellence allows him to win the MVP again this year.

Marshall Faulk: Last year, I told Dan and the rest of you that I didn’t mind losing because the Weitz family made me feel like one of their own. I have decided to change my name on this occasion to Dan Weitz IV. He’s like a proud poppa to me.

DW: Aw, Marshall, you shouldn’t have.

MF: OK, I didn’t really, but thanks for believing in me and not cutting me when I got hurt. Me and Priest would have been a sweet combo.

DW: That’s enough.

MF: OK, I am just saying…

DW: I understand, really….

[You can see all of the voting and comments for the MVP Award by clicking here]

SS: Before they start fighing again, let’s move on to the most prestigious award that any of the Modano owners will ever win: the Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Owner/Coach. First, the Owners that did not receive any votes should still get some applause for their season long efforts. Please stand up, Rob Ouaou, Dan Weitz, Randy Chambers, Will Mitchell, Steve Einar Olsen and Steve Johnson. No one thought you did well enough to warrant a vote for the best owner/coach award, but each of you get a free kick at Tom Oates or Regis Philbin – your choice.

[The non-winning owners line up and vent their frustration on the lump of their choice]

SS: There were a few testimonials for Randy Chambers:

Perry Missner: Randy, you were on your way until injuries derailed his team. However, great way to make a receiving team into a running team.

SS: However, the preseason expectations were a bit too much to bear. Heh heh heh. Now, the fourth place finisher was Owner Chad Nuss who received support from the Walnut Creek Mountain Devils.

Rob Ouaou: Chad, you are a genius for obvious reasons: an all Oakland team!!!! I get goosebumps just dreaming of having the same.

SS: So much for the joke/Don Cherry vote of the year. In third place was the owner who turned his team around the most. John Stoer received some testimonials that were non-votes.

Steve Johnson: Someone also to get noticed, the 44s. Almost from worst to first.

Randy Chambers: My runner-up is the Sto-man. His roster sucks, yet he still finished second.

SS: And Stoer received two first place votes from the Envy and Cubists.

Perry Missner: Stoer edges out Moore because of expectations. The 44′s were the worst team in the league last year, but Stoer pulled up his bootstraps and drafted well. His trade of Curtis Martin for Marvin Harrison worked out extremely well – especially as far chemistry.

Jason Moore: Not only did Sto challenge for the title until the final game of the season, he found a way to get Marvin Harrison. Add schrewd acquisitions like Garrison Hearst to a healthy does of Orange, and his team had the heart of a champion.

SS: In second place, we have a team that really didn’t deserve it, but the fact that they are the media darling’s allowed Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy to received votes from the Wookies, Coroners and Bears. Listen to these nice words:

Chad Nuss: Always making the right moves mid-season to bring his team back. Definitely the hardest working coach in the league. I really think his players will fight for him every week.

Randy Chambers: P-miss is a do everything — owner, coach, commentator, scribe, commissioner. What more can you ask? That he fields a competitive team every week and still manages to run the league and the media is a tribute to a man with way too much time on his hand.

SS: Talk about some backward compliments. Now, the winner and I am sure you have all figured it out by the process of deduction. First some testimonials from non-voters for Jason Moore.

Perry Missner: Moore did a great job drafting and made excellent pick ups (Mack, Rhodes) but his team was not dominant enough.

Randy Chambers: And, of course, how can you ignore Jamo. Stacey Mack and Dominic Rhodes were huge moves, and getting Ronde in position to save the day when Aaron Brooks aimed for the Tampa secondary in week 16 was brilliant positioning. The lucky bastard!

SS: Yes, now those are some testimonials. The Cubists owner received votes from the 44’s, Brents, Losers and Cookies. Let’s hear what they had to say:

Steve Olsen: Well, he found a way to win again.

Steve Johnson: With the last picks in the draft he can still pull out another huge season.

Dan Weitz: He has proven he is the best i.e. the luckiest because this game take no skill by winning almost every year. Einar has proven he can take a preseason favorite and run it into the ground.

John Stoer: The easiest selection of all the awards. The man is the demonic lovechild of Bill Walsh and King Midas. He creates great depth on his roster by knowing the talent and then has an uncanny ability to know who to play when. I just hope the rumors aren’t true and that he doesn’t pull a Josh and leave while he’s on top.

Jason Moore: [holding aloft his third Modano trophy – one for each championship] Wow … wow … As all of you know … wow … I have nothing but praise for everyone. Well, except Owen Wilson. I am really proud of this award and I think my team really earned it for me. As some of you know, I have been contemplating retirement so I could spend more time on my career, with my family, doing the dishes and finishing my novel, but with my keeper selections finally made, I can finally say that I will be back to defend my title in 2002. Now let’s have a beat down of Stuart Scott!!!!

[All of the nominees, winners and owners rush the stage and start beating the snot out of Stuart Scott, who thoroughly deserves it. When Scott is laid wasted, the carnage flows over to Philbin and Oates. Chaos reigns and the lights dim on another awards ceremony] ————————–Friday Afternoon was Meant for This Press—————————– // <img src=”http://visit.geocities.yahoo.com/visit.gif?us1255711997″ mce_src=”http://visit.geocities.yahoo.com/visit.gif?us1255711997″ alt=”setstats” border=”0″ width=”1″ height=”1″>