2011 – Week 16 Recaps

SO YOU ARE SAYING THERE IS STILL A CHANCE, MEDIA RETURNS

 

The Ballbusters 115 Red Herrings 85

Syracuse 44’s 80 Wookies 70

San Francisco Cubists 112 Brentless Brents Forever 98

Weaselicious Cookies 72 P-Miss Envy 71

Beck & Call 105 County Coroners 82

Week 17 Previews

 

After a two-week announced absence, the Modano Mi Hermano media abruptly returned to document the end of another great season. It is going to come down to Week 17 once again as the Herrings were unable to clinch and the 44’s worked over the Wookies to tie the franchise high in wins. The absence was caused because of in-fighting at the top of the league as Commissioner Tugwell and former Owner Randy Chambers have come to loggerheads about the future of the league. Just to reiterate, Commissioner Tugwell believes that all teams should have the same opportunity to win, while Chambers thinks that the scales should be weighted toward his cronies. League members were asked to vote via secret ballot as to who the next commissioner should be. The media was able to infiltrate the balloting process and even got some comments to go along. Owner Charlie Mitchell voted for Todd Tugwell “after reading of Chambers’ secret plot to halt my championship run,” and Owner Stevie Johnson also was a fan of Tugwell’s reign. Johnson said, “What can I say? I’m loyal.” Owner Rich Joseph is a fan of Tugwell because he has “more class.” Owner Dan Weitz also voted for Tugwell because “when it comes right down to it. I want a guy who can build me a bridge.” There was also a strong Chambers contingent led by Owner Perry Missner who said that “Chambers has the vision to lead us into the 21^st century.” Uh, idiot, we are already 12 years into the 21^st century. Sheesh. Owner Will Mitchell surprisingly voted against his brother because of recent argument about bowling scoring. Mitchell said, “Look, I know what the ABA says about how long it should take before a pin falls, but I picked up that spare. The pin was still spinning!” Owner Rick Heller voted for his long time friend as well. He noted, “Nothing against Tugwell, but I think he roots for the Steelers or possibly the team that suffers the most horrific injury [which this season, would be the Bears, did you see that Johnny Knox injury?] I need a guy out there who is going to represent the league with an eye on the Redskins. Oh, and sorry for playing Dan Bailey. He has pictures of me that I wouldn’t want to be public.” Of course, the media is ready to get to the bottom of every story, but said pictures are of Heller picking up and inserting Bailey into his lineup without coercion. Owner Chad Nuss had perhaps the strongest vote for Chambers. He said, “Randy and I go back to 1998. We’ve had our share of disagreements. At heart, I know that he is true to the league and will steer us in the right direction. I also happen to think that Commissioner Tugwell is just a mouthpiece for the media and has no real backbone.” Whoa! It came down to the two owners that have known both Tugwell and Chambers the longest, Owners Jason Moore and John Stoer. Both are veterans of political campaigns and both gave highly political answers. Moore said, “Either of these two gentlemen will make an exceptional commissioner.” Stoer said, “Neither.  I hope they both join as expansion teams and Einar becomes the new commish.” Therefore, the tally was four votes for Tugwell, four votes for Chambers, a noncommittal vote, and a write in for Ralph “Einar” Nader. With the future of the league at stake, the media asked how the tie should be broken. Joseph said, “rock, paper, scissors.” Missner, knowing that Tugwell is a former Marine and the league could really use a pay-per-view event said, “Take off your shirts and wrestle!” Johnson was thinking along similar lines when he suggested, “On overly elaborate, multi level, Sci-Fi/Thunderdome combat duel.” Moore had probably the most apt suggestion, “one game of NHL ’94.” Thinking along the pay-per-view lines, Stoer said, “Competitive eating contest- Nachos!” Finally, Charlie Mitchell went with “One on one bowl-off.” The younger Mitchell was surprisingly calm when he answered the questions three weeks ago, but we can only guess at his state of mind after the Chambers once against sent his goons from the Redskins against Adrian Peterson. The result was a catastrophic knee injury against the Viking running back. The Herrings were so disgusted by the injury that they could barely stomach to play in Week 16. LeSean McCoy was particularly devastated by the injury to his close friend and he only scored two points. Willis McGahee had flashbacks to his Miami days and scored just four. Jason Babin and Terrell Suggs started crying and scored just three points combined. Only three of the Herrings were able to fight through the tears and play with a championship at stake. Jason Pierre-Paul is French and, therefore, has no feelings. He had 12. Victor Cruz is Puerto Rican and, therefore, has no morality. He scored 16. Meanwhile, Prince Tom Brady barely noticed that anyone was injured. He played with robotic efficiency in hopes of trumping the opposing quarterback. Brady said, “I know that everyone prefers my model-lite looks to that rookie on the Busters. What’s so great about running around?” Newton played like he had a title on the line. He has been a revelation for the Busters who lost Peyton Manning and have had some problems with the conversion to a new offense. They looked like a solid team filled with Panthers, Cardinals, and Lions in Week 16. Newton led the squad with 33. Kevin Smith and Brandon Pettigrew combined for 26. Larry Fitzgerald had 13 and he was equaled by Calais Campbell. The win was the Busters third blowout of the season and all three have come by 28 points. The Herrings had their four-game winning streak snapped and took their first blowout loss of the season. Opportunity was knocking for the 44’s and they took advantage. The league has sent a team to investigate if the Wookies were shaving points because Owner Will Mitchell started Andre Carter. Carter just laid on the field the entire game. C.J. Spiller, a Clemson grad whose feelings were hurt when the younger Mitchell let him go, hurdled the prone Carter repeatedly. After one touchdown, Spiller did the dog urinating on a prone opponent routine. I love that one. The Wookies were led by David Akers. By the way, the phrase “led by David Akers” has never been uttered in reference to a winning team. As usual, the game came down to the opponent’s ability to control Drew Brees. The Saint quarterback noted that the opposing defensive lineman was not getting up – all game – and fleeced the defense for 28 points. Stoer exclaimed, “Improbable and unlikely as it is, hope still reigns here in the home of the #1 college basketball team in the country.” The 44’s swept the Wookies and now have a three-game winning streak.

Elsewhere in the league, the San Francisco Cubists earned their best win of the season. It has been a long, unhappy experience for Owner Jason Moore whose team will fail to win eight games for the first time in franchise history. The good news is that since the media has gone, he has reconciled with quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Moore said flowers to Rodgers for Christmas. Although Rodgers is allergic to flowers, he appreciated the sentiment. He also saw that he was playing the Brentless Brents and that reminded the Packer quarterback of his three long years spent on the bench watching Brent Farf throw interceptions and try to hit on any floozy with a pair of boobies. Rodgers burned the Brent defense for 40 points. He received just enough support from the ground game with Frank Gore and Kahlil Bell combining for 23 points. Jerkmichael Finley was finally freed from the bonds of the Envy and scored a TD. Jerk! Scoring for the Brents was as top-heavy as a Farf floozy. Matt Ryan and Arian Foster combined for 35. Jordy Nelson continued his great run to show that Rodgers wants to set the world back to 1930’s with 19 points. It would be easy to forget about Darren Sproles since he is so small. He had 16 points, but the holes in the O-flex were clear. Roy Helu and Laurent Robinson did not score and Sean Weatherspoon had just one point. Last week, it looked like the Envy had given up. They put up just 31 points in rolling over for the Herrings. They showed a bit more fight in losing to the Cookies. Owner Dan Weitz has the league’s hottest team. They have won six of seven games to earn their fourth straight winning season. If the season were just six weeks longer, the Cookies might have a chance. In Week 16, they showed off their depth after Tony Romo was benched by Weitz for making googly eyes at his daughter. In solidarity, Von Miller also refused to play. That left the team with just nine players, but it was enough to beat the Envy. Maurice Jones-Drew and Marshawn Lynch combined for 27 points from the O-flex. DeMarcus Ware and James Anderson had 23 more points from the D-flex. In a fit of anger, Owner Perry Missner had gutted his roster after the Week 15 debacle. He was going all 2004 on his squad and cleansed the team of any Packer influence. Jerkmichael Finley and Jackie Robinson were told to hit the bricks and made their way to the more tolerant Cubist lockerroom. Surprise starter Rex Grossman scored a game-high 15 points. Charles Tillman also had eight or possibly 11. The team was hurt by hands of stone Marcedes Lewis, who was cut after dropping his 12^th pass. Ben Tate showed that he only does his scoring from the bench. The Envy still had a shot to win on Monday night with Marques Colston and Lance Moore going against Matt Bryant and a four-point Cookie edge. Things looked good for the upset when Colston scored a TD, but Bryant hit a 51-yard field goal for the win. The Envy have now lost five in a row, their longest losing streak since 2006. After a three-year absence from the roll, it looks like the Coroners will have the first pick in the 2012 draft. The team lost its third in a row against the Beck and Call as Owner Rick Heller earned his first sweep. Matthew Stafford is looking like a keeper with 30 points. Brandon Marshall and Ray Rice had a combined 29 and Brian Cushing had 17 points for the D-flex. As they usually do, Cedric Benson and and Beanie Wells cancelled each other. The point of controversy, kicker Dan Bailey, had just one point. Maybe Chambers should send his goons who have successfully killed Adrian Peterson after Bailey. The Coroners had a flicker of life in the middle of the season as tightend Rob Gronkowski put the team on his shoulder. Gronk was limited to just five points. Percy Harvin led the team with 13 points. Everyone on the Coroner offense scored at least five points, but it was the D-flex that led the team down. The Charles Woodson-led squad combined for nine points. The Call was able to snap their four-game losing streak.

Week 17 Previews – I love it when Week 17 matters. This year it matters. The 44’s face the Brents and the Herrings face the Cubists. Neither game is a gimme. Owner Jason Moore has given wify Aaron Rodgers the week off and has gone with the biggest drop off ever known. No, it is not Rex Grossman but Mark Sanchez. Backups Kahlil Bell and Toby Gerhart will face each other. Moore hopes his team can have a better showing than the 111-59 drubbing in Week 8. For Owner Charlie Mitchell, he has had to lay Adrian Peterson to rest. Commissioner Tugwell has said that he plans a full investigation into the Peterson death. Fortunately for Mitchell, most teams have something to play for and Tom Brady sits atop the roster once again. Mitchell has tabbed Pierre Thomas as the Peterson replacement and hopes Mike Wallace can come out of his second half slide. In Week 7, the 44’s won a 105-100 thriller over the Brents. Drew Brees already has the single season passing record, but the Saints could still go for the second seed and a playoff bye by beating the Panthers at home. Brees could also put some distance for the record just in case Dan Marino decides to come out of the CBS studio. Please? Stoer is giving Peyton Hillis the start and has gone back to the ‘Cuse with Olindo Mare. Owner Stevie Johnson has named himself as a starter in the O-flex and brings back Ahmad Bradshaw. It will be interesting if Matt Ryan plays much since the Falcons don’t have anything to gain against the Buccaneers. The Cookies go for their tenth win and a sweep of the Busters. They will have to slow down Cam Newton. Tony Romo has vowed to play, despite somehow hurting his hand while thinking of the Weitz daughters. Otherwise, it is status quo for the Cookies. The Call hope to make their first season in the league a positive one by winning their ninth game. The Wookies won by one in Week 8. Owner Will Mitchell has replaced Andre Carter with Antrel Rolle and has Eli Manning set for the big game against the Cowboys. Owner Rick Heller may have divided loyalties. He doesn’t like the Cowboys, but has become the world’s biggest Dan Bailey fan. Matthew Stafford may have limited playing time in Green Bay. Lastly, one long losing streak is going to end in Week 17. The Coroners have an amazing 10-3 record in Week 17 mainly because the Raiders generally have little to lose by playing their starters. Owner Chad Nuss has not made any alterations to his roster. Confused Owner Perry Missner has brought backup QB Matt Flynn to finish off this most disappointing season. Roy Williams and Jared Cook will also get starts.

————————————-Ready for the Offseason Press———————————————————

 

2011 – Week 13

MEETING LASTS 73 CONSECUTIVE HOURS, BORES ALL

 

Red Herrings 98 Weaselicious Cookies 85

County Coroners 98 Brentless Brents Forever 81

The Ballbusters 126 Syracuse 44’s 82

Peaks Island Wookies 88 P-Miss Envy 79

San Francisco Cubists 116 Beck & Call 96

Week 14 Previews

 

RALEIGH, North Carolina (AP) – For the first time in its history, the owner of the Modano Mi Hermano fantasy football league, which many observers consider the greatest fantasy football league in the nation, came to an impasse. Representative of Commissioner Tugwell’s office said that the league has split into distinct factions and they weren’t sure whether the schism could be mended for future seasons. The divisive character in the split is former Owner Randy Chambers. Reporters have learned that Chambers only stepped aside for the 2011 season with the understanding that the Modano Mi Hermano championship would return to the hands of one of his Sidwell Friend cronies. At the beginning of the season, Chambers assumed Tugwell would help his friends Owners Jason Moore, John Stoer, and Rick Heller to the championship and for some time it looked like Tugwell would pull the strings to make this happen. What neither Chambers nor Tugwell planned for was the ascension of Owner Charlie Mitchell. Apparently, both league leaders were confused by the team name Red Herrings. After Week 13, the Herrings had forged a two-game lead with just four to play. In Week 13, the younger Mitchell’s team took care of business against the Weaselicious Cookies even after Chambers said that Adrian Peterson would not be allowed to play this season. The ever defiant Tom Brady scored 21 points and let his flowing locks be the envy of every league owner. Mitchell who claimed he stopped going to meetings a long time ago was forced to attend and let Brady call the offensive plays. It seemed to work out. Reports have indicated that Mitchell and the Commissioner have a budding friendship because Tugwell is so fond of beer and bowling. Live music doesn’t hurt as well since Tugwell loves to get his groove on. The friendship may be the cause of the schism between Chambers and Tugwell, and the ever-aggressive Chambers has been calling for the Commissioner to step down after years and years of faithful service to the league. Chambers claims that if the championship doesn’t go to one of the friends, then Tugwell is in breach of illicit contract and the season should be voided. The other owners, despite having a majority stake in the league, have been unable to organize themselves against the Sidwell junta. Charlie Mitchell has the most influence, but he noted he “changes things – including my underwear- all the time. I am big on change.” Unfortunately, he and his brother Owner Will Mitchell rarely agree on anything. When the Herrings win, the Wookies tend to lose. In Week 13, both Mitchell brothers won as the Wookies dominated the Envy. Shonn Green was an unstoppable force and LaGarrette Blount was an unmovable object. The elder Mitchell still rues trading Matt Forte to the Envy for Cedric Benson a few years ago and took that rueful feeling out on Forte’s knee. This left Missner unable to agree with any Mitchell about anything. Missner wasn’t even paying attention at the meeting because he was “conjuring recaps.” Missner said, “We couldn’t stop those jerks from New York City. I never realized that Will was such a cosmopolitan. We just have to win three of four to get above .500.” Like Ringo, Missner said he was just happy to be there and said he would “roll with the punches. Change doesn’t really affect me.” How Zen! Chambers’ hope that a Friend would take the championship was hurt by the fact that the Cubists and Call faced off. Aaron Rodgers won an Oscar for an abused wife while he submitted another 35 point performance. Could a last place team with the La-la-la-laFontaine award? Would the Cubists be winless without Rodgers? In Week 13, they received 22 points from Chris “Too little, too late” Johnson and another 12 from Jonathan Stewart. Owner Rick Heller’s team did not take the game lightly and put up some big numbers of their own. Ray Rice had 19, Matthew Stafford had 16 and Hakeem Nicks had 17. Chambers continued to be somewhat upset by Heller in the refusal to cut Cowboy kicker Dan Bailey. Chambers is just a ball of anger. He said, “This league owes me big time. I put in 13 years of effort into the league and then they kick me out for Heller, who plays Cowboys. I should have just given my team to Amber Weitz.” While these statements don’t reflect any semblance of the truth, Chambers is certainly welcome to his point of view. Chambers’ best hope for the championship came from old friend Owner John Stoer. The 44’s raced out to a 8-1 start and beat the Herrings in the teams’ only meeting. This was the first game of Adrian Peterson’s league mandated suspension for wearing too much purple. The burden of expectations has crushed the 44’s and they have dropped three of their last four games. Stoer said, “I love change as long as it’s small and happens mostly to other people I vaguely know.” His team got bullied by the Busters  and their Wunderkind Weinrich hopeful Cam Newton. The game-ball earning Newton led the Busters with 34 points and his million dollar smile disarmed the 44 defense. The Buster O-flex when triflexa led by Rashard Mendenhall’s 16 points. Rookie A.J. Green had another 13. Meanwhile, Jared Allen – who was not suspended for wearing too much purple since the Chambers has largely ignore his former rival Owner Rich Joseph – had 18 points and beat the stuffing out of 44 QB Drew Brees (who still had 29 points.). Injuries (or possibly the hand of Commissioner Tugwell) knocked the 44’s out. Andre Johnson and Patrick Willis were put on the ground. This game caused Chambers to burst into Tugwell’s office and cry, “What the hell are you doing?!? Stoer is our one last chance at Sidwell glory this year.” Tugwell simply stood up and said, “I think you are forgetting yourself F. Randy. I did not go to Sidwell Friends with Chelsea Clinton. Your under the table deal has no bearing on the Commissioner’s office.” This left Chambers nearly speechless. He was willing to allow Owner Stevie Johnson into the Sidwell Friends axis, even though Johnson had gone to a crappy public school in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. The guess is that Chambers figures that at least Johnson was a past Modano Mi Hermano champion. But the Brents could not come through and were beaten by their usual whipping boy, the Coroners. Carson Palmer and Rob Gronkowski have become one of the most potent pass-and-catch combos in the league. Percy Harvin came from the Brents backyard to burn the team for 23 points and Reggie Bush had another 12. Johnson was very unhappy with quarterback Matt Ryan and echoed his mentor Farf when he said, “Needed you to shine, son.” Johnson was even more unhappy when he learned that the meeting was not “call-in. So even the Inter-Nets could not save me.” Johnson gave a political answer to the potential league shakeup and said, “I don’t mind changing [my underwear], but always depends on what is changing.” After meeting for more than three days straight, the bleary-eyed owners adjourned with very little decided. Commissioner Tugwell said he would meet with a special counsel of lawyers and community organizers and would make an announcement about the league’s future in the coming weeks. Speculation ran rampant throughout the league at what this announcement would be. Owner Rich Joseph thought Tugwell would announce that “he’s coming out of the closet.” That seems unlikely. Owner John Stoer thought Tugwell would tell the league that “Cam Newton has tested positive for weed, HGH, and whatever Ivan Drago took in Rock IV, and therefore any loss to the Busters is now a win.” Owner Stevie Johnson hoped for a keeper shakeup, while Owner Perry Missner thought it would be “mandatory injuries for 2012.” Owner Charlie Mitchell kept hoping in vain for a “reinstatement of the college draft.” Owner Jason Moore thought the announcement would be Chambers-related in that Tugwell “will announce that RC has taken a vow not to play FFL until the Redskins make the playoffs.” Time will tell, time will tell.

Week 14 Previews – Owner Charlie Mitchell holds his own destiny in his hands. It would take an epic collapse to lose a two-game lead in four games. This collapse would sustain ESPN talk shows for three weeks (or maybe an hour and a half when they went on to their next case of pedophilia). The Herrings go for the sweep against the Coroners. They had little trouble with Owner Chad Nuss’ team in Week 5. Mitchell said, “The Coroners up next?  AP on the mend?  Hard to contain the excitement in Herringland.  Three more wins, three more wins!” Mike Wallace got the team out to a four-point start. Some of Mitchell’s hopes will be centered on the Redskins who face Rob Gronkowski. Gulp! The second place 44’s hope the Cubists roll over to keep their championship hopes alive. If Chambers has his way, Aaron Rodgers will sit out to rest his weary female parts. It looks like the Sidwell axis may be falling apart since Owner Jason Moore is not complying. Moore said, “The only thing I know for certain is that John Stoer will pick the Cubists to win this game.” Owner John Stoer responded with “The nail is ready to be put in the 44′s coffin and we face Aaron Rodgers?  Hopefully all the wusses who bailed with hamstring injuries last week against Rich and his ‘Roidbots will rally and we can preserve a sliver of hope for the title.” D’Qwell Jackson go the team off on the right step but Patrick Peterson is going to have to play LSU level defense against the Duck. The 44’s took a 35-point win in Week 5. The Brents and Envy renew their battle for Oshkoshian supremacy. Owner Stevie Johnson swayed and sang, “Always a good time when I am able to beat Perry, but have to make the push to get to at least 10 wins.” Missner said, “I like how Ben Roethlisberger has changed the course of career to anal rapist to gritty player. Maybe there is no difference. We need the Dolphin defense to shut down Vick and for Duck Rodgers to finally ignore Jordy Nelson. Don’t be a racist, Aaron!” The Brents will go for the sweep after the Envy only scored 52 points in the Week 5 battle. The Chowdah Bowl concludes with the 5-8 Busters and 5-8 Wookies meeting. Both teams are coming off wins and the Wookies beat the Busters 99-80 in Week 5. Rashard Mendenhall scored five points to give the Busters an early lead. Lastly, the Cookies and Call: two teams vying for a .500 record. The Cookies have won five of their last eight games and have scored at least 85 points in the last four weeks. The Call won 91-67 in Week 5, but have lost three of their last four.

———————————————–More than Ready Press—————————————————–

2011 – Week 12

TURMOIL AT THE TOP

 

Red Herrings 123 Beck & Call 95

Syracuse 44’s 107 P-Miss Envy 60

Weaselicious Cookies 88 Brentless Brents Forever 87

San Francisco Cubists 77 The Ballbusters 57

Peaks Island Wookies 92 County Coroners 83

Week 13 Previews

 

Red Herrings 123 Beck & Call 95 – Rumors have been swirling through the press, barber shops, and bauk salons that there were big changes to come in the Modano Mi Hermano league. The ever aggressive Commissioner’s office had been planning a meeting of league owners to discuss these rumors, but the meeting date had been delayed several times. Commissioner Tugwell had been cagy about the rumors and neither confirmed nor denied their truth. Things seemed to center on new Owner Rick Heller who had taken Owner Randy Chambers franchise in a new direction. Chambers, who had retired to spend more time with his prize-winning begonia garden, had become increasingly frustrated as Heller opened the franchise’s doors to peoples of any race, sexual orientation, BMI, and team affiliation. Chambers was heard to roar, “This is not how we have done things for the aeons that I was an ownership and I explicitly told Heller that he was not to play Cowboys and not to play players against the Redskins. These things are simply not done.” Heller, meanwhile, ignored the mounting pressure in the league office and refused to be suspended. Unlike the rest of the league, Heller believes he is a role model and does not particularly believe in magical thinking. He said, “I understood Chambers’ parameters, but as one of God’s children, I just couldn’t accept some of the things he had to say about the good city of Dallas where my friend Mark Cuban lives. What did Dallas ever do to me, other than foist a lousy evening soap opera and give me diarrhea once. I want this organization to be all-inclusive.” Chambers was having daily meetings with Commissioner Tugwell, and Heller had been called to the league office in North Carolina on a weekly basis. On the field, the Herrings maintained their one-game lead (a situation that is also un-accept-a-bull to the Sidwell leaning Chambers) by forming the awesome duo of Tom Brady to Victor Cruz. The pair took advantage of injuries to the Call secondary and pushed for 53 combined points. Pierre Thomas and LaSean McCoy took care of the running game for another 23. Terrell Suggs bedeviled Matthew Stafford, but the constant Herring blitzing left Jimmy Graham wide open. The Herrings did not even try to stop Beanie Wells and Cedric Benson, since they believed that the runners would trip over themselves. They ran for a combined 33 points to keep the score close. A relieved Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “Cruz and Pierre turned it on right after the score got to 94-93. That was a huge win!” A steadfast but saddened Heller said, “My last, faint hope of winning went out the window.”

Syracuse 44’s 107 P-Miss Envy 60 – The biennial Pizza Bowl has turned into a one-sided affair. Owner John Stoer not only has his team near the top of the standings but he has been smushing Envy out of his life for the past few years. Owner Perry Missner slaved away in the kitchen Sunday morning, making the perfect thick dough to go with a tangy sauce and an overload of cheese to feed his players. The players, led by Jackie Robinson, wolfed down the pizza and then were groggy for the game. Only Jackie was able to heave his huge belly for double digit points, Greg Olsen and Missner’s neighbor Ben Tate were so stuffed that they could only gain a measly one point. Stoer did not make pizza on this Saturday, but most of his players stuffed themselves anyway. Andre Johnson had spent several weeks away from the team because of GI problems (i.e. terrible gas) and only scored a point. Stoer was displeased by Michael Turner who had four points and looked as lethargic as the Envy. Cornerback Patrick Peterson is used to heavy, greasy foods since he went to LSU and burned the defense for 14. The difference maker was Drew Brees, who had a salad. He looked sprightly and springy as he bounced and flounced his way to a season-high 42 points. Stoer beamed, “Oh, so this is what’s like to have a good quarterback!” This comment was not well received in league headquarters and Stoer was asked to join Heller for his weekly summons. Stoer, ever the hermit who is used to his weekly routine, did not care for the summons, but his astrological chart notes that while he may grumble, he always submits to pressure from authority. The Envy fell back to .500 and Missner continued to pin his hopes on Peyton Manning returning to the lineup.

Weaselicious Cookies 88 Brentless Brents Forever 87 – Owner Dan Weitz has always been a burr in Owner Stevie Johnson’s side. When the two went to high school concurrently in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, Weitz would always chime how much better North High was to West High. And it was pretty much true. North had better facilities, better teachers, a much better principal, and the pizza flips (although essentially the same) were better than West’s pizza flips. Not much has changed in 2011, but the suddenly surging Cookies are starting to get noticed by the league higher ups. In the past few seasons, Weitz’s team has started out hot only to fade badly in the second half. This year, they started with some bumps in the road as quarterback Tony Romo had a bruised left esophagus. Now, it looks like the Cookies are a rampaging juggernaut with one of the league’s best offensive flexes. Weitz said, “I just had to give Tony more options because the guy is such a brilliant offensive mind.” Romo just said, “Hodor!” The quarterback had 13 points and the O-flex did the rest. Brandon Lloyd, a long-time Weitz favorite had ten and Marshawn Lynch had 14. Meanwhile, Johnson tried to pick up the pieces. He stuck a dagger in Weitz’s eye with Laurent Robinson who has become the featured player in the Cowboy offense. Robinson and Matty Ryan have become of the league’s most dangerous duos, but they took all of the energy away from the rest of the team. Johnson, who was still waiting for the stat corrections to amend his loss, said, “Fantasy giveth, Fantasy taketh away. My luck could only hold out so long.”

San Francisco Cubists 77 The Ballbusters 57 – The fall of the Cubists has been a main topic of conversation among Commissioner Tugwell and his cronies. The league sent Owner Jason Moore a battery of tests to determine if he was a sociopath or not. Tugwell desperately wants the marriage of Moore and quarterback Aaron Rodgers to work out even though Rodgers has told media outlets that he just “needs some time to work my thoughts out.” Moore has been such a slave to his work that he “often feels like a hermit now.” Even though he thinks “my beliefs are pretty damn boring” and he said, “I am willing to assume most people are not my enemy.” In society, that assumption would likely do him well, but the boiling cauldron that is the Modano Mi Hermano league, everyone is the enemy, including Owner Rich Joseph who is the prime force behind the Magical Thinking Movement. Joseph, who has long believed that his clothes and sitting position were the main reason behind the Snow Bowl victory, may have a reason why his team “keeps stinking.” Cam Newton looks like a me-first player. He had all-pro numbers, but the rest of the team put up a measly 42 points. Newton is going to have to do some group counseling in the offseason to learn about sharing. Rodgers continued to do what he does best – score. He put up another 22 points and helped the team to just their third win of the season. Moore said, “It would have been more fun to beat the Busters if they were good. But it was nice to have another Chris Johnson sighting.”

Peaks Island Wookies 92 County Coroners 83 – The immortal John Madden is quoted as saying, “In football, you have to have players on the field to make the points, to score the touchdowns, and to win the games. Boom!” There was only one real difference between the Wookies and Coroners – Owner Will Mitchell put a full squad on the field, Owner Chad Nuss did not. Perhaps blinded by his tea’s recent two-game winning streak or the slight hope that his team can draft Andrew Luck next year, Nuss left Denarius Moore in the lineup. The Coroners did get huge games from Sebastian Janakowski (19 points) and Percy Harvin (16), but they made the mistake of concentrating on the Wookie ground game – Mike Tolbert – while allowing the Wookie passing game to flourish. Eli Manning had 22 and threw to Roddy White and Wes Welker relentlessly and ceaselessly. Mitchell also noted that Brian Urlacher’s five points were inspirational, while Vernon Davis made him puke. With the Cubist recent upswing, the Coroners are now threatening to not only take over the basement but to take the points allowed crown away from Moore. The Wookies snapped their six-game losing streak and showed that they can win in the second half of the season.

 

Week 13 Previews – The Herrings still hold a one-game edge, but have to face the surging Cookies in Week 13. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “What did Stoer promise AP to keep him out again?” The Cookies are just 3-10 in previous Week 13’s, while the Herrings have never won in this most unlucky of weeks. The teams started off with big Thursday night performances with LaSean McCoy canceling out Marshawn Lynch. Mitchell’s team took a 20-point win in Week 4 and will go for the sweep. The Busters are the only team on the 44 schedule that has beaten the Syracuse squad. Thus, Owner John Stoer said, “Revenge is not a dish best served cold.  It’s a dish best served immediately and relentlessly!” It is also best served ceaselessly. Vegas has installed the 44’s as 12-point favorites, but they may be more hopeful about C.J. Spiller and BenJarvus Green-Ellis than we are. Cam Newton tends to enjoy beating Syracuse. The Brents are still in third place, two games behind the Herrings. Owner Stevie Johnson said, “Time to crush the Coroners and hope for a new run of luck.” The Brents are already facing a three-point hole behind DeSean Jackson, but Denarius Moore is still in the lineup (but out). The Envy and Wookies meet again. I don’t think either team changed their lineup much. And the Cubists and Call meet for the second time. Owners Rick Heller and Jason Moore used to be friends, but there are no friends on the Modano battlefield. Heller said, “can I stop the Cubist’s run?” I guess a one-game winning streak counts as a one-game winning streak. Moore quipped, “We are 3-9 and we haven’t played the four best teams again yet? Awesome.”

———————————————Dragon Tales is One Annoying Show——————————————

 

2011 – Week 11

MOORE GOES BALLISTIC

P-Miss Envy 90 San Francisco Cubists 87

Brentless Brents Forever 85 Red Herrings 74

County Coroners 91 Syracuse 44’s 87

Beck & Call 101 The Ballbusters 78

Weaselicious Cookies 117 Peaks Island Wookies 64

Week 12 Previews

P-Miss Envy 90 San Francisco Cubists 87 – It was the aftermath scene of a tornado. Papers with offensive plays were strewn around a small office that is usually neat as a pain. Let me repeat that: neat as a pin. Lying in a corner, buried under file folders and papers was Owner Jason Moore. He was spent. Every ounce of being had been poured out in the mother of all tantrums. It was Hal McRae squared. It was Lee Elia plus Hal McRae squared. Moore had gone completely ballistic upon hearing that his tie against the Envy had been overturned late in the week because of some missing evidence in regards to Paul Posluszny, who had a half sack and a tackle taken away. Moore reviewed the tape and saw the half sack and the tackle. How could the powers that be do this to him? In a season such as this in which his team has completely bottomed out. On Tuesday, Moore made the following statement, “The best part was the unofficial result reporting a win, updated to reflect the tie. Our outstanding D-flex performance deserved better; so did Rodgers, but that is nothing new.” Aaron Rodgers was reportedly seeking other owners/love puppies. Rodgers, who had just scored 25 points, knows when to get gone and he just not received the type of support he had expected. In this week, he got 11 points from some guy named Mike Wiliams and London Fletcher manned up for 16 points, but that was it. Still, it was enough to keep the game close. In fact, Moore thought he had won as Monday night finished up. Derrick Johnson just needed eight points to take the game, but that’s all Johnson had. He left it up to the powers that be, and we all know that the powers that be are corrupt. Owner Perry Missner knows this type of pain. Years ago, his team had lost a win over the Brentless Brents because of a half sack that took five days to “discover.” Missner said, “I’d do almost anything to win, but I didn’t want it to go down that way.” The win wasn’t without pain for the Envy. Jay Cutler finally made an appearance for the team, but left everything on the field, including his thumb, to impress his owner. Missner lamely gave him the gameball, then put him down. LaGarrett Blount and James Laurinaitis had 13 each. Peanut had a dozen. When he had put his pants back on, Moore reportedly assembled his legal team was threatening a class action suit against the powers that be.

Brentless Brents Forever 85 Red Herrings 74 – Oh, that wily Owner Stevie Johnson. Just when you think Brent is dead, he rises up with a Wrangler commercial. When you think you’ve heard the last of Brent, he comes up with a statement that notes he can’t believe Johnson didn’t win more. Johnson can take all of these slings and arrows because his team is vying for a second straight championship. The Brents were able to reap revenge for a Week 2 bushwhacking in which they lost by 58 points against the Herrings. Johnson was sans keepers. Jamaal Charles – broken. Michael Vick – busted. Arian Foster – bye-ed. Johnson gathered the troops and put together a Scorsese worthy plot (well, except for Kundun). He picked Matt Ryan off the street and Matty Ice had 17. It may be time to take Jordy Nelson seriously. The latest white receiver wearing #87 for the Packers is not Scroter. Nelson had another 20 points. Owner Charlie Mitchell had to double Nelson, leaving Tony Gonzalez open for ten. Even Laurent Robinson had another eight points. I am sick of Jordy and Laurent. Johnson gave gameballs all around, “Everyone Man! Woooh Hoo couldn’t have asked for more.” He may have even slipped gameballs to Willis McGahee and Mario Manningham who combined for -2 points for the Herrings. Tom Brady and Victory Cruz combined for 30 points, but it wasn’t enough to offset the damage done. Making matters worse, Adrian Peterson, who was playing in just his second game since sitting himself against the 44’s, hurt his ankle and will be out of action. Johnson said, “Wow.. who could have believed it. And 44′s lost. Lucky Basturd me.”

County Coroners 91 Syracuse 44’s 87 – Way to take all of the suspense out of this recap, Johnson! Well, of course, someone could just read the score and that would pretty much spoil the recap as well. You know who won and it, surprisingly, wasn’t the 44’s. With Drew Brees sitting out because of his combover, Owner John Stoer had to go with backup QB extraordinaire, Alex Smith. Smith actually came through with 18 points and hit Antonio Gates for a TD. That was pretty much the end of the scoring for the 44’s, although the D-flex did a passable job. Patrick Willis earned a gameball for his 15 points. Stoer was not as pleased with Brandon Jacobs, who had a bullet. The Action Jackson brothers tagteamed for the last time and scored nine combined points. Fred Jackson hurt himself and had to be put on the IR. Stoer lamented, “Say it ain’t so, Fred.” Meanwhile, the Coroner lineup was particularly Pam Anderson. There were four double digit performers on top. Usually, the Coroner lineup is Kim Kardasian with a big kicker. Carson Palmer continued to defy critics by playing well. He and Reggie Bush are comeback player of the year type and combined for 27 points. Percy Harvin sledged his way to 11, but it was Rob Gronkowski’s 18 that provided the winning margin. Gronkowski looks like he will a Coroner for many years to come and is the dominant tight end in the game. Stoer, who thought his 44’s would be leading the league again, said, “Damn.  Gronk’ed on Monday night.  What a terrible way to end one week and begin another.  Losing to the Coroners is not a traditional way to win a title.”

Beck & Call 101 The Ballbusters 78 – It is the eternal question that some people do not think be asked. It starts with somebody trying to eat something. It is not to their taste, but they want their opinion confirmed, so they will say to you: “This is terrible. Would you taste it?” What do you say? It is a tough question to answer because you do not want to offend your friend who wants your opinion. Of course, if they really wanted your honest opinion, they would not preface the question by telling you that they think it is terrible. If you are Owner John Stoer, you’d say, “Not in this world or any alternate one either.” That apparently cuts down on the possibilities and indicates that Stoer believes in an alternate reality in which the 44’s have won the championship for 14 years in a row behind James Mungro, Andrew Moten (a converted tight end), and coach Pat Morita. Owner Stevie Johnson would retort, “You taste it!” That strikes me as odd because how would the person know it is terrible unless they already tasted it. Owner Perry Missner, every the contrarian or a person with no taste whatsoever, said, “Sure. Hey, that’s not bad!” Owner Jason Moore wisely said, “No, I trust your judgment.” Finally, Owner Rich Joseph, who is ever so succinct, answered the question with a single word: “Yes.” Joseph also said yes to Cam Newton who had 19 points. Vincent Jackson had another 18, but it wasn’t enough to turn the tide away from the Beck & Call who still have championship aspirations. Starting QB Matthew Stafford figured out who was on his team and threw for 35 points. He handed off excellently to Ray Rice and Cedric Benson, who combined to equal his output. Owner Rick Heller’s team won despite naughts from Brandon Marshall, Fred Davis, and Julius Peppers. That’s good coaching! The ever succinct Joseph just said, “help.” His team has lost six of seven, one of the worst stretches in franchise history.

Weaselicious Cookies 117 Peaks Island Wookies 64 – The league has a very guilty conscience and the truth may never be known. At a recent league meeting, when all of the owners were assembled in the same room, someone ripped a nasty-ass fart. No one commented on it at the time, but when reporters assembled to find if the one who smelt it was the one who dealt it. Only Owner Perry Missner blamed the cat. Owner Rich Joseph, to no one’s surprise, said, “Me.” Owner Stevie Johnson blamed a recent and unfortunate change in his diet, “Sorry, that was me. I have been eating nothing but Fiber One and chili.” Meanwhile, Owner John Stoer said, “Me, definitely me.” Perhaps the league owners need to visit their local gastral enterologist because everyone has been blasting away. While Owner Will Mitchell did not answer the question, the pleased smile on his face indicated that he had farted recently. That and his team is crapping all over the place. Losers of six in a row, the Wookies were not even competitive against the Cookies who put a season high 117 points. Every player that suited up for Owner Dan Weitz’s team scored a TD. Tony Romo continued his onslaught with 27 points. The O-flex went triflexa with Brandon Lloyd picking up a surprise TD and Marshawn Lynch was even more surprising with 11 points. Weitz didn’t even tell Kellen Winslow to rub some dirt on himself after the tight end scored eight points to offset Vernon Davis’ ten. Not much went right for the Wookies. Eli Manning was held to eight and Wes Welker scored uno. The Wookies ended 2009 and 2010 with long losing streaks, but they are on pace to lose their last 12. That’s Ouaou-esque.

Week 12 Previews – Yes, I know Week 12 has already started, but what can one do when school is out. Take what you can get. The league-leading Herrings take on the Beck & Call. The Herrings won in Week 3 by a four-point margin. 18 points from Terrell Suggs? Hmmm… Owner Charlie Mitchell may get his tenth win. To keep pace, the 44’s will have to beat the Envy and the Brents will have to upend the Cookies. Syracuse whomped P-Miss in Week 3 and Owner John Stoer said, “Looks like a pizza with turkey, cranberry, and bacon is in my future for Pizza Week Redux!” That does not sound good. Owner Perry Missner promised to make pizza this time out. He welcomed back Ben Roethlisberger, while Stoer brought back Drew Brees and C.J. Spiller. Owner Stevie Johnson started his winning ways this year with a 107-105 win over the Cookies. Johnson said, “I get a full team back.. but I am just living in the moment.” Laurent Robinson outscored the Cowboy/Cookies already. The Busters and Cubists meet again. Owner Rich Joseph’s team won going away in Week 3. He said, “Help.” Owner Jason Moore retorted acidly, “We look forward to maintaining our league lead in points allowed.” The Busters have an open slot in the  O-flex. One could say the same for the Cubists with Chris Johnson. The Wookies have lost six in a row and the Coroners have won two in a row. Logic would dictate that the Coroners will win, but logic rarely dictates anything around here.

———————————————————Later and Later Press—————————————————————-

2011 – Week 10

OWNER JOHN STOER LEARNS OF THE DARK SIDE

 

Weaselicious Cookies 110 Syracuse 44’s 80

Red Herrings 89 Peaks Island Wookies 79

Brentless Brents Forever 82 Beck & Call 66

P-Miss Envy 105 The Ballbusters 99

County Coroners 97 San Francisco Cubists 87

Week 11 Previews

 

Weaselicious Cookies 110 Syracuse 44’s 80 – It has been prophesied that Owner John Stoer would save the universe. The young master has always had a special glow about him and the overwhelming potential to do whatever he set his mind to. However, we all now how potential can so easily be corrupted. Over the last 14 years, Stoer and Owner Dan Weitz have never quite struck up a friendship, but a link did grow between them. Only recently did Weitz own up to Stoer’s potential and he sought the inexperienced youth for a meeting. Stoer had recently written a long blog post about how much he hated the Cowboys and just like Joe Paterno, “Much like anyone who roots for the Cowboys *cough cough*, a man whose priorities are way out of whack.” While Weitz did not agree with the sentiments, seeing as he is from Dallas (or not) and has rooted for the Cowboys since his infancy, he knew Stoer was onto something. The crinkled Weitz opened the meeting by noting, “I enjoy your writing, young apprentice.” A baffled Stoer said, “Young apprentice?!? Dude, I am older than you. I am out of here.” He quickly terminated the first meeting, but the seed had been planted. Stoer, who prefers fat bottomed girls for some reason, wondered what Weitz had been on about, but Weitz – also known as the Emperor of Ripon – just went back to his secret lair and laid plans for his domination of the empire. A week later, Stoer just happened to be in Ripon again (to get cookies, he claimed) and set up another meeting with the Emperor. “So, you really liked my post?” asked Anakin Stoer. “Yes, yes!” cackled Weitz, “It was written with great passion … great hatred for the enemy.” “I do hate those idiots with their stars. They have always been the bane of my existence.” “Yes, YES!” cackled Weitz again. “Feel the hate! Let it flow through you. That is the power of the dark side! Allow me to show you the power of the dark side.” With that, Weitz showed Stoer an image of Tony Romo throwing to Michael Bush for a TD. “No, noooooo!” squealed Stoer, who could only use Drew “Light Saber” Brees in defense. Storm troopers Dez Bryant and Maurice Jones-Drew plowed through the line to prove the point, and soon Stoer was killing babies and molesting ball boys. He had submitted to the dark side, and had also lost the game.

 

Red Herrings 89 Peaks Island Wookies 79 – Were there any brothers in Star Wars? I can’t think of any, which points to the fact that perhaps George Lucas did not have any brothers. In fact, he seems like the only child type. In any case, if he did have brothers in the Star Wars movies, my guess is that they would be nothing like Will and Charlie Mitchell. The two got along famously growing up in Maine. They used to spend their days picking apples from the neighbor’s tree and going down to the five-and-dime for malted milks. Yes, the halcyon days  of the 1950’s. Of course, heaven doesn’t last forever, and Darth Vader had to intrude. In the world of the Mitchells and Maine, in general, evil comes in a variety of forms. For the brothers, it was in the form of Ben Coates. The Seducer, as he has come to be known in the Charlie Mitchell household, took up residence with the elder Mitchell and caused Will to do many un-Mitchell-like things. Will got super into maps, rooted for the Hoyas, and – most unforgivable – gave up bowling. “Man,” said Charlie in one of the most overused phrases in the English lexicon, “I don’t even know who you are anymore. But I can tell you this: one day, there will be a quarterback in New England and he will lead my team to a championship.” Will just snorted, “Good luck getting Drew Bledsoe from me. I am never trading that guy. Ben wouldn’t let me.” For ten years, Charlie meandered and wandered the countryside, searching for greater meaning and truth. It wasn’t until 2011 that the truth came to him. It was in the form of Tom Brady, who nearly doubled Eli Manning in points and in nailing cocktail waitresses. LeSean McCoy added his two bits and Adrian Peterson did his thing. The elder Mitchell knew that his brother had been right all along. Something had gone wrong with the Wookies (god damn it, there’s my Star Wars hook – it was right in front of my idiotic face!), who have now had losing streaks of at least five games in each of the last three seasons. Will said, “I’ve got to make some changes.”

 

Brentless Brents Forever 82 Beck & Call 66 – Class, this week’s topic is clearly evil. And has there ever been a more evil presence in the Modano Mi Hermano league that Brent Farf. He put a stain on the league for so many years that the damage is incalculable. And yet, Owner Stevie Johnson has always bowed down to the man. Like Farf, Johnson has no idea how to deal with media. When asked about his competitor, Owner Rick Heller, Johnson just said, “The guy is a dottering grandpa. I really don’t think he knows whats going on.” Ouch. That’s not nice. Another not nice thing is the play of quarterback Matthew Stafford. It looks like Heller was fleeced by the Young Apprentice and now is stuck with a broken quarterback and a dog. Stafford just threw another TAINT and finished with -8, taking away any chance his team had to win. The rest of the team did not play badly. Ray Rice had 10 and Jimmy Graham is making some serious keeper noise with 11. Even Dan Bailey from Heller’s favorite team scored 14. Heller responded that he does not have favorite teams and he only wants to win. How’s that working out for you, Chachi? Johnson’s quarterback play wasn’t much better. Michael Vick, playing with a severed vertebrae, managed three points. Stevie Johnson took himself out of the game to watch the pathetic quarterback play. Meanwhile, Arian Foster was scoring TD’s. He ran for 23 points and little Jordy Nelson (or was that Bill Scroter?) scored 16. Stop bogarting Jackie’s TD’s, Jordy! Johnson, who claims that Queen only had one song and that song was ripped off by Billy Joel, said about the win, “What the hell changed in a year. Vick.. remember what you did last year? Do That!” Vick, from his hospital bed surrounded by beeping machines, did not respond.

 

P-Miss Envy 105 The Ballbusters 99 – Do these teams have a shot at the championship? Definitively not. Some would say that this game should not even have been played because if you can’t win a championship, why bother? Owners Perry Missner, the false prophet of love, and Rich Joseph, the maker of the 12^th best chowdah in New England, disagree. The game is worth playing no matter the stakes, they believe. And it showed in this excellent performance in which both teams put their hearts on the line. One was true, one was crushed. The Envy plan was to concentrate on suddenly fading quarterback Cam Newton and let the chips fall where they may. Larry Fitzgerald was wide open all day long and received the gameball from Joseph who said, “It’s been a long time.” Rashard Mendenhall did some work between the tackles. Meanwhile, Stephen Gostkowski was rocking out to Bohemian Rhapsody and kicking in 15. Joseph was not quite as pleased with Vincent Jackson, who put in a point. Ryan Matthews also started the week poorly with three. They were offset by poor playing Envy LaGarrette Blunt and Jerkmichael Finey, who combined for six. Under the steady leadership of Ben Roethlisberger who has fallen out of the news because of Penn State and Syracuse scandals, the Envy marched up and down the field. In regards to Paterno, Joseph said, “Cut the guy some slack,” while Missner was less willing to bend, “If he wanted to be a college coach, he should have made his pedophilia known.” DeMeco Murray also showed that he might be a keeper with 17 and Matt Forte, who will always be a keeper, had 10. The difference in the game was the D-flex. Roman Harper had a fine game for the Busters with 15, but the Envy defense had its best game. James Laurinaitis and Navorro Bowman each had 11 tackles and Charles “Peanut” Tillman had a defensive TD and 18 points. Missner shouted, “Peanut!” All in all, Joseph said, “Perry, thank for the dagger” as his team fell to 4-6. Missner said, “A sweet, tough win over the Busters for the sweep. The defense was Yuge and we bottled up Fig Newton successfully. Our goal this year: stay above .500.” One should never state his goals or else they will certainly not come true.

County Coroners 97 San Francisco Cubists 87 – When the lights down down on the Citaa-aa-aay, and the sun shines on the ba-aa-aay. Owner Chad Nuss always gets up to face the Cubists. It has been a long season for the Coroners, who were swept by the non-Cubists in the league. Without Al Davis for council and foot massages, Nuss has been out of sorts. Speaking of out sorts, that would be the state of the Moore-Aaron Rodgers marriage. Rodgers is not only bringing home the bacon, he is buying the feed, fattening the pigs, slaughtering them in kosher fashion, salting the meat, curing the meat, sending it to Oscar Meyer for inspection, packaging the bacon, and cooking it up in a pan. He has pleaded for Moore to something, anything, but the slothful owner has been caught up in a Basketball Wives marathon on VH1 or whatever crappy channel that poor excuse for a show is on. I feel less smart for knowing of its existence. Rodgers did get some help from wife number two, Chris Johnson who had his first All Pro game of the season, but it wasn’t enough. Rodgers has decided to go live with her sister for awhile. Jeremy Maclin and Frank Gore started, but quickly were injured and did not score. Mike Williams and Jonathan Stewart each played ineffectively and the opportunity was there for Nuss to snap his team’s eight-game losing streak. And take advantage the Coroners did. (Back to Star Wars with Yoda-esque sentences!) Carson Palmer continued to be the Raider QB of Nuss’ dreams with 15. Nightmare tight end Rob Gronkowski may sign a lifetime Coroner contract and had 19. The apple of Nuss’ eye was Denarius Moore who led the team with 21 points. We simply won’t mention Mark Ingram and Dwayne Bowe, who sucked. Even Brian Orakpo played liked o-crap-o. With their eighth loss, the Cubists are one short of their franchise high. The Coroners earned their first sweep of the Battle by the Bay since 2005.

 

Week 11 Previews – By virtue of beating his brother, Owner Charlie Mitchell is back in the league lead at an impressive 9-1. The Herrings take on the third place Brentful Brents Forever and Owner Stevie Johnson has his mind on revenge. He said, “Charles is out, Vick and Bradshaw are injured, Foster and Sproles are on a bye… all in time for the league leader. Maybe this could be an Adam Sander film. Then we could turn it around. ‘We’re through… but wait!”” It’s clear that Johnson has recently been to the cinema where he watched Jack and Jill, then wanted to have his brain erased. The Herrings, who won in Week 2 by a 58-point margin, did the Brents a favor by starting two points in the hole because of Willis McGahee. The Brents have such names as Matt Ryan, Jordy Nelson, Roy Helu, Jackie Battle, Laurent Robinson, and Damian Williams in the lineup. Ouch. At least, Johnson has Rob Bironas going for him. Mitchell will try to overcome the two-point deficit with Tom Brady, LeSean McCoy, and Adrian Peterson. As Rob Schneider would hilariously say, “You can do it!” The 44’s hope to lick their wounds against the Coroners, who have only beaten the Cubists this season. In Week 2, Owner John Stoer took care of business with an exciting 119-103 win. Stoer said, “The Black Hole in our schedule in more ways than one, this is the week to see if the Modano Gods are truly smiling on Syracuse this season.” The 44’s are without Drew Brees, who is on a mission in Ghana to find some good Ghanese food. Soul brothers Fred and Steven Jackson are in the lineup and Plaxico Burress has put the 44’s with a four-point lead. Owner Chad Nuss has put Reggie Bush in the lineup, but only he knows why. The Beck & Call meet the Ballbusters again after Owner Rich Joseph’s team put a 113-100 beatdown on the rookie in Week 2. The Busters have lost five of six and have decided to go with Cam Newton again over super winner Tim Tebow. Joseph said, “Tim to have some fun as spoiler. L” Owner Rick Heller, whose first name is just one letter different than Joseph, has Matthew Stafford, the original Pick-6, still at the top of his lineup. He did make a wise move by picking up Julius Peppers, the original Dr. Pepper. The Envy hope to keep their head over .500 by sweeping the Cubists for the first time since 2001. Missner said, “Duck Rogers is playing like he flew out of the 25^th century and we have to rely on the Buccaneer defense to help us. Crap. C’mon Pick Six – don’t do it!” He was referring to Jay Cutler, who finally gets his chance to start after sitting on the bench for ten weeks. Cutler’s been like a sex machine ready to reload like an atom bomb about to oh oh oh oh oh oh explode. The Envy also have Kendall Hunter in the lineup in the hopes that Frank Gore gets hurt again. Last and least, the dark lord Owner Dan Weitz hope for the sweep of those foul smelling Wookies. Neither owner had any comment this week because they were “busy.” Marshawn Lynch is in the Cookies lineup. Shonn Greene is in the Wookie lineup. Did you know if you change one letter of Cookie, it becomes Wookie?

——————————————–Nature and Grace Press———————————————————

2011 – Week 9

44’s TOP HERRINGS, MITCHELL TAKES FIRST LOSS

Syracuse 44’s 118 Red Herrings 101

Brentless Brents Forever 94 Peaks Island Wookies 93

Beck & Call 90 P-Miss Envy 81

San Francisco Cubists 87 Weaselicious Cookies 82

The Ballbusters 114 County Coroners 89

Week 10 Previews

Syracuse 44’s 118 Red Herrings 101 – Let’s face it: the media pretty much ruins everything. If there is something good, they’ll hype it to death. If someone has the audacity to rape little boys in the shower, the media will use all of their power to blame that person for all of society’s ills. Which reminds me, do you know why Penn State kept defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky around? Because his defense could fill even the smallest of cracks. What? Too soon? Anyway, no amount of hype could ruin the spectacle that the top two teams in the league and in the nation put on. There was a reason that the 44’s and Herrings entered Week 9 with just one loss between them and that reason wasn’t luck. These teams are good. L’difference was the defense (which Sandusky had no part, this time). In his passionate locker room speech, Owner John Stoer gave the gameball to ”the 44′s version of Mike Singletary-  Patrick Willis.” Willis had 16 points and was ably complemented by D’Qwell Jackson who had 12. Drew Brees led the offensive attack with 18 and outplayed the prince of all quarterbacks, Tom Brady. The New England quarterback had reoccurring nightmares of the 2008 Super Bowl and he just couldn’t get the ball to Victor Cruz and Mario Manningham. Willis McGahee came off the Herring bench to score 22 points and earn himself a gameball, but Jason Babin couldn’t even beat Lance Louis and “his stay with the Herrings will be a short one.” Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “I can’t be stopped, normally,” and his team did scored more than 100 points for the fourth time this season. It just wasn’t enough against the 44’s, who now have a virtual half game lead over the Herrings due to their win. Controversy erupted (as it often does in this league) as the whistle blew as long-time Syracuse running back Adrian Peterson came bounding across the field to give Stoer a big hug. There was no evidence of the fractured wrist, snapped vertebrae, and ouchy peewee that Peterson had claimed heading into the week. Mitchell had to do a double take after Peterson had been wheelchair-bound all week. Mitchell and Peterson reportedly nearly came to blows in the Herring lockerroom with Mitchell questioning whether Peterson was truly a Red Herring man. Stoer added fuel to the fire by noting, “Another solid team win with seven guys in double figures, and I couldn’t be more proud of my players, but on a more personal note, I’d like to extend heartfelt gratitude to Adrian Peterson- I know you bleed Orange big fella so I appreciate you sitting this one out this week.” He winked broadly at the reporter as he said gratitude.

Brentless Brents Forever 94 Peaks Island Wookies 93 – The Modano Mi Hermano league has seemingly gone on forever. No one can remember a time when they woke up a Thursday … Friday … Saturday morning and chew through the gristle of the weekly recaps. In the fall, it is just a way of life. However, there is always the chance that something new will happen. It happens with decreasing frequency, but in Week 9 of 2011, a team loss by one point for the second straight week. That had never happened before. Teams had suffered two one-point losses in the same seasons, but never in consecutive weeks. Owner Will Mitchell must have done something wrong lately to earn such negative karma. Perhaps he should think back to 2001 when his team also suffered consecutive losses by a combined two points. Incredibly, that season the Wookies lost three ties and another game by two points all in the span of seven weeks. That’s some bad shit, dude. Maybe it is that Mitchell considered himself stopular of that he believes that fast food is overrated. Whatever the case, the elder Mitchell needs to figure out what is going on and change some things. The Wookies played Owner Stevie Johnson’s Brents Forever to a standstill. Mitchell gave the gameball to the Patriot defense for “letting Eli win” and score 17 points. Mike Tolbert and David Akers chipped in 14 points. Mitchell was not pleased by his position of choice: tight end. Vernon Davis lost the team that crucial point and has played like a turd over the last three weeks. Mitchell commented, “he’s no Ben Coates.” The Wookies were able to keep the score close by corralling Michael Vick, who had seven points and lost to the Bears for the fourth time in his career. Johnson shook his head wearily and said, “Vick Vick Vick.” The rebranded one, who is considering changing his name to just Stevie said, “Foster and Sproles again carry the team.” The two combined for 30 points. Jordy Nelson, whose inclusion in the lineup had been questioned by some, scored 13 points, and Neil Rackers had another 14. Johnson, who considers sake to be like warm syrup, noted, “Somehow Urlacher lost a point during the night and that was the victory. Very ugly win, but I’ll take wins no matter how much they look like Brent Farf’s dong.” Mitchell could just bang his head against the wall and shout, “Really?”

Beck & Call 90 P-Miss Envy 81 – Owner Perry Missner never forgets someone who has done him wrong. He still recalls the kid, who shall remain nameless, from third grade who ruined his bike. When he looked at the roster sheet for Owner Rick Heller’s Beck & Call, he was displeased by all of the former Envy players who had not produced. Beanie Wells was a 2010 first round draft pick, Cedric Benson had himself kicked off the team because the offensive line wouldn’t block for him, and Matt Schaub spent years claiming to be a top quarterback only to come up empty in the biggest spots. Therefore, Missner set his defense on revenge bottled up those three effectively. He sent his offensive linemen after Ray Lewis as well. The problem was that Missner let the other Call players roam freely. Julio Jones found himself plenty of empty real estate and jumped for joy with 22 points. Brandon Marshall scored 13 and Ray Rice, who has never done Missner wrong, had ten. Missner, who cursed himself for his hateful ways and for being so stopular “the word was invented for me,” did get some nice play from DeMeco Murray and Navorro Bowman, who both had 12 points. Missner gave the gameball to Murray “for reinvigorating the O-flex.” The Packer contingent scored 17 points and Ben Roethlisberger scored 14 to lead the team. Missner was not happy with LaGarrette Blount who only scored three points. “We expected a lot more from LaGarrette. I will hate him soon enough,” he said. The Envy still had a chance to win heading into Monday night. His team was down just 17 points with Matt Forte and Peanut Tillman left to play. Yahoo predicted that the Bears would combine for exactly 17 points. Yahoo was wrong. I hate them. Forte lost a pair of fumbles and Tillman did such a nice job covering the Eagle receivers that Michael Vick didn’t even try to test the Louisiana-Lafayette graduate. Missner noted that sushi is overrated, “it’s mostly rice.” He then said, “nice win, rook. I hate that guy.”

San Francisco Cubists 87 Weaselicious Cookies 82 – Owner Jason Moore noted prior to Week 9 that his team should beat the Cookies “on paper.” He worked over his gameplan into the wee hours of the night, but the gameplan was thrown out the window as Moore quickly sussed out Owner Dan Weitz’s strategy. Weitz was bringing the big blitz down after down in an effort to injury Cubist QB Aaron Rodgers. This allowed Cubist receivers and running backs to roam freely as long as they caught the ball. Ryan Torain wasn’t able to do that. If Moore was half the man he used to be, he’d take a flamethrower to Torain. Meanwhile, Rodgers generally kept the ball and the Cookie defenders couldn’t tackle him. Rodgers kept doing his lame belt dance again and again. For the Cookies, Tony Romo played well with 21 and Michael Bush had a complementary 14. Weitz gave the gameball to “New Cookies Bush and Cribbs performed but the vets sucked.” He then noted, “while I don’t watch college football I think their fans are more passionate.  Pro fans are bandwagon jumpers, look at all the friggin Pecker fans coming out of the woodwork, like a certain former hater who will not be named!!” Pretty much everyone in the league agreed that college football fans are more passionate, so it was a pretty dumb question. Lobster also received many votes as an overrated food, so that was a dumb question too. Weitz said that vegetables and fruits are overrated, then let out a huge sigh. Moore said, “Kudos to Jake Ballard for a huge late catch and TD. Gore was solid again, and even Chris Johnson put up a few points. But Rodgers is the man.” The Cubists could  still have a winning season.

The Ballbusters 114 County Coroners 89 – [Let’s throw it over to Merrill Hoge for some reaction to this one.] If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Tim Tebow will never be a successful quarterback in the National Football League. I’ve studied the tape and it comes down to this: Tebow has the mechanics of a gay hamster. The tape shows that Tebow can throw about as well as my grandmother. In fact, I eat tape for breakfast. When I crap it out, it still indicates that Tebow is a jerk. Anyone who played quarterback at the University of Florida is a jerk. Even Rex Grossman, who also has the mechanics of a gay hamster. Oh, did I use that one already? I don’t like players with beards and Tebow has the worst beard since Color Me Badd. Sure, Tebow had 23 points to lead his team “to victory.” I don’t think you can give Tebow much credit for the victory. Did you see some of the catches that Vincent Jackson made? The guy is a fricken beast who could play on my team any day of the week and three times on Sunday. I’d take a retread like Carson Palmer over Tebow any day. It was just a good thing Cam Newton didn’t play because I pretty much say the same thing about him. He will not succeed in the National Football League. From what I can remember about my time in the National Football League – remember I had 12 self-induced concussions – you need to have a quarterback who can not run at all. He must stand in the pocket and take sacks. In order to be successful in this league, taking sacks is the most important thing a quarterback can do because the tape shows that teams rally around quarterbacks that are laying prone on the ground. Palmer is that type of quarterback even if he didn’t get much help from Taiwan Jones. I don’t care for Reggie Bush and think he should have stayed with Kim Kardashian. That’s my opinion because in the National Football League, players need girlfriends who are famous for no good reason. What was I talking about? Oh yes, the only reason it seems like ESPN rolls me out: my all abiding hate for Tim Tebow. Don’t get me started on his creepy religion. What the hell is that wafer supposed to be anyway? In the National Football League, we eat real food like lobster. All right, enough of this. I am going to slam into the wall headfirst to prove that I can. Tim Tebow can’t.

Week 10 Previews – While the Herrings and 44’s take on a pair of 3-6 teams, the headlines can be grabbed by the other two winning squads. The Brents and Call face off to stay in the hunt. Owner Stevie Johnson said, “Might just have to win them all from here on out.” His team lost to the league’s newest owner in Week 1. Owner Rick Heller’s team opened with 119 points and now has strung together their first three-game winning streak. He hasn’t made any changes to the lineup. Johnson has put James Harrison in and his team has been installed as a 13-point favorite. The Battle of Mon Frères Mitchell heats up the chilly Northeast again in Week 10. In Week 1, Charlie took a hard fought 94-88 win to start an eight-game winning streak. How will the Herrings rebound from their first loss? Mitchell said, “Well, still a lot of games to play.” That doesn’t sound very excited, does it? It will be interesting to see how Adrian Peterson does in his first game back from total body collapse. Will said, “Always want to beat the bro.” Calvin Johnson has been held to three TD’s over the last four games after scoring eight in the first four. The first place 44’s take on the Cookies. Owner John Stoer said, “The grind begins again.  We were fortunate to beat Rhomo, Ware and the rest of the Boyyzz on the Cookies to start the season, and we’ll need our good fortune to hold if we are to go back jack and do it again.” The 44’s won 95-89 in Week 1 and have won four of the last five meetings. Owner Dan Weitz said, “Another disappointing season, time to ruin someone else’s chances at a championship.” He helped himself to 21 points from Michael Bush on Thursday, but will surely be let down by Kam Chancellor. The 44’s are giving LSU grad Patrick Peterson a shot. The undercard features the Envy and Busters as well as the Coroners and Cubists. The Battle for the Bay features two teams with three wins between them. The Coroners won their only game of the season in Week 1. They opened with 42 points on Thursday to match Aaron Rodgers total. Owner Jason Moore said, “We’ll have to see whether McFadden plays. He is a little more intimidating than Taiwan Jones.” Moore has already promised the gameball for Jake Ballard. The Coroners are 2-12 in previous Week Nines. The Envy were able to take a Week 1 win over the Busters who were futzing around with Kerry Collins. Owner Rich Joseph has handed the team over to Cam Newton, but only received four points from two Thursday night Chargers. He said, “Train keepa rollin’.” Owner Perry Missner said, “We agree with Merrill Hoge. On this and on everything.” He has left last week’s losing lineup alone. Smart.

—————————————-Queen on Saturday Morning Press——————————————–

 

 

2011 – Week 8

44 WIN SETS UP GREATEST MATCHUP EVER

 

Syracuse 44’s 105 Brentless Brents Forever 100

Red Herrings 111 San Francisco Cubists 59

Beck & Call 83 Peaks Island Wookies 77

P-Miss Envy 88 County Coroners 72

Weaselicious Cookies 108 The Ballbusters 89

Week 9 Previews

 

Syracuse 44’s 105 Brentless Brents Forever 100 – Here’s the think about rebranding: you can slap a new name on something old and it might fool some of the people some of the time, but it won’t fool all of the people for a long time. Owner Stevie Johnson took the field about a month ago and it looked like his football skills had not diminished. However, in Week 8, it was as if Johnson had “taken the kids college fund money to buy Lottery tickets. It’s going to payoff this time.. I can feel it!!” Well, Johnson tried to cash in another lottery ticket on Visanthe Shiancoe, but the Viking tight end has not been the same since Brent Farf. One could say the same thing about Johnson who seems to be anchorless without the inbred hillbilly moron quarterback. The good news for Johnson and all of the inbred hillbilly morons (which I shouldn’t speak too loudly anymore) is that you can catch Farf in the next edition of Dancing with the Stars, at least according to both Owners John Stoer and Charlie Mitchell. Owner Jason Moore said he’d like to see Farf “host a charity pickup game” on Versus. Johnson thought that Farf would “purposely get trapped in a well.” Owner Perry Missner thinks TV needs more Farf: “I don’t know how it will work exactly, but I think he needs to be teamed with Michael Irvin for a point-point (but not counterpoint) show.” While Owner Rich Joseph had the best suggestion for how Farf will worm his way back into the news: “Drugs.” Back to the game, Johnson was pleased with the play of Michael Vick who had 24 points and and the kinda sorta three-headed monster of Arian Foster, Darren Sproles, and Jackie Battle combined for 34 points. Meanwhile, Stoer was “texting like a gray-haired teenager” to get the pitcher in from the bullpen. The week prior to the game Stoer had reinforced to Steven Jackson that Johnson had never appreciated him. Stoer said, “Johnson never changed his name for you.” True enough and that was all it took for Jackson to run over Brent defenders like they were pigmy midgets. Stoer somehow coaxed double digit performances from both Nate Washington and Antonio Brown, who were both members of the Envy earlier in the season. Fred Jackson supported his brother with 12 points and the D-flex came up with 23. Stoer could almost not even name Drew Brees, who “giveth and almost pick 6-eth away.” To celebrate the win, Stoer “posted a picture of a puking pumpkin on Facebook – who am I anymore?” For Week 8, you are a winner, young man. Stoer commented, “This is a very resilient team that doesn’t rely on any single player.  No A. Johnson or Turner and Brees tries to give the game away and we still manage to score over 100 to top an excellent Bretts team.  Very proud of this win.” Johnson could only lament, “Battle actually got me the points I needed… but then there was stupid-dumb Antonio Gates.”

 

Red Herrings 111 San Francisco Cubists 59 – With the 44’s breathing down their necks, the Red Herrings knew they could not let up. It has been said that a wounded Cubist is a dangerous Cubist, so Owner Charlie Mitchell took no chances. He would not allow his players to showboat in any way, even with this ridiculous college rule that doesn’t allow for players to dive into the endzone. That makes no sense. Even when he saw that Owner Jason Moore was basically waving the white flag by starting Alex Smith, there was no let up. Mitchell had his team pummel the Cubists on the ground. He handed out gameballs to Adrian Peterson and LeSean McCoy for their 47-point combination. Even old Tom Brady got into the act with 18 points, while Terrell Suggs tormented Smith. You have to give credit to Smith for scoring 12 and handing off to Frank Gore for another 14, but Smith was clearly lacking leadership skills. He didn’t even have skillz. You have to admire Moore’s patience with Chris Johnson and Ryan Torain, who hasn’t scored in three weeks. Moore wasn’t even depressed because “Luckily, I attended the Stanford-USC game on Saturday night so it is hard to be depressed, even in the face of this atrocious season.” He even called Andrew Luck to welcome him to the squad with the first pick in the 2012 draft. Meanwhile, Mitchell said he would not mention Rush Limbaugh (oops) and that he was not happy with Jason Witten who scored a bullet, but his play was still as depressing as “taking the BAR exam.” Moore said, “It gets worse. One good performance, two decent ones… and that is it. If I had a TD for every crappy trade offer I have received, this game would have been close.” He then stated for everyone’s attention that Johnson is and never will be on the trading block. Don’t even bother him about it because he won’t return your trade attempts. The Cubists have now blown out four times which equals the franchise high set in 2007, when the team had a total of five losses. Mitchell said, “We made it to the showdown…” The Herrings have equaled their previous high total in wins. The game would have ended there, but an ebullient Mitchell bounded over to Moore for a postgame handshake and Moore did not care for the happiness on Mitchell’s way. Nor did he like the way his back was slapped. Moore got the last bit of revenge. When he went to shake Adrian Peterson’s hand (Peterson has a notoriously strong handshake according to Peter King), Moore twisted his wrist just a bit and Peterson went down like a heap of leaves. There is some speculation that Peterson will be unable to play in his first game against the 44’s next week. Moore simply shouted, “Sidwell Friends unite.” He then sang the secret school song, which I don’t know.

 

Beck & Call 83 Peaks Island Wookies 77 – Speaking of the Axis of Sidwell Friends, the strains of that secret song – which may or may not have been written by Adam Duritz – could be heard after the Call’s close win over the Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell was hoping his threesome of Eli Manning, Calvin Johnson, and Steve Smith would play well enough to beat Owner Rick Heller’s trio of Matthew Stafford, Ray Rice, and George Wilson. As it happened, those six players would be the only guys to score in double digits in the game. Stafford ignored Megatron just enough to more than double his receiver’s score. Stafford also dumped the ball off nicely to Rice who scored 24 points. Wilson led the D-flex with 12 points. Sean Lee refused to play after learning that Heller was a Redskin fan. Lee was said to be hiding out in Jerry Jones’ suite. Other the aforementioned trio, no Call player scored more than four points. Kicker Dan Bailey also did not appreciate Heller not telling him he was a Washington fan and scored one point. Maybe former Owner Randy Chambers was right about the Cowboys. The Call won their first game by less than ten points. The Wookies suffered their third straight loss mainly because Tom Brady ignored Wes Welker, who scored just two points. Mitchell promised to talk to his brother and get Brady and Welker on the same wavelength. In fact, there may be a Mitchell Axis coming together soon. Interesting.

 

P-Miss Envy 88 County Coroners 72 – Another year and it looks like no championship for either the Envy or the Coroners, both founding fathers of the league. Owner Chad Nuss had his team on a slight uptick over the last three years with 23 wins in the span. While they did not have a winning season (their only winning season was in 2004 at 9-8) in the last three years, they were at least respectable. This year, not so much. The Envy only won 13 games over the last two years and Owner Perry Missner’s team was generally out of the race by the middle of October. It appeared as if players on both teams wanted nothing to do with this match up and literally dozens walked out just before the game. The respective owners had to pick up the scraps and try to win with scabs. Nuss actually waited until just before the kickoff to remove all of the missing players from his lineup and pushed many of them to play on Monday. In some ways it was a typical Coroner performance because they were led by their kicker. The surprise was that it was not Sebastian Janakowski who was reportedly doing shots of tequila off the head of a Polish midget, but Nick Novak who scored a team-high 12 points. Missner’s team was led by their D-flex which combined for 38 points. Missner’s neighbor Ben Tate scored -1 and sent the owner scurrying for “a whole can of frosting.” Speaking of sugary sweets, there was quarterback Ben Roethlisberger who has turned over yet another leaf (no, not a Ryan Leaf) in his long career. Big Ben led the team with 21 points and hit tight end Greg Olsen repeatedly over the middle. Not to be outdone by Novak, Shaun Suisham, known as the Swisher in the Chambers’ household, had 11 points. Missner said, “With the O-flex taking the week off, the D-flex stepped up in this battle of the bye week blues. Glad to escape with a win and keep my admittedly modest two-game win streak alive.”

 

Weaselicious Cookies 108 The Ballbusters 89 – It is hard to pin down Owner Dan Weitz. One could call him mercurial, but the fact is the reason he is hard to pin down is that he is driving his daughters all over the Fox Valley for their various functions. He is harried. Perhaps it is for the best because the Cookies have not put their best foot forward in 2011. In Week 8, he told his squad that we are going to simplify things this week. “I just want you to score some touchdowns on offense. On defense, just get out of DeMarcus Ware’s way. Is that simple enough for you morons?” Ware certainly seemed to get it and he scored a week-high 29 points. Weitz gave him the gameball as he dropped a daughter off at Girl Scouts and noted, “Ware if only he could have played every position maybe Dallas wouldn’t have looked so shitty.” Speaking of shitty, there was Dez Bryant who was hounded by Nadi Asmaogi and scored just one point. Weitz hollered, “Dez If your going to wear #88 you better start playing like #88, where’s the leadership and desire to win!!” And where are the piles of coke, the disgusting whores, and the ability to make us laugh about both of them? Dez Bryant – you are worthless. Bryant’s play made Weitz want to play “basketball with a half-naked, overweight, hairy dofus named Dean.” Oh, that takes me back! And the Cookies were playing somebody. Who was it? Oh yes, it was the Busters who have had some growing pains in the Peyton Manning-to-Cam Newton transition. Initially, Owner Rich Joseph tried to use the exact same playbook. Like almost every person on the planet, Newton looked silly doing chicken dances. Joseph decided to drop the chicken dancing half of the playbook, but there were so many blank pages that Newton was often left to just round around like a chicken without its head. Joseph said, “as long as there is some chicken in there, I’m happy.” Joseph said he would not be talking about Brandon Pettigrew and his nil, but he was excited about the play of A.J. Green who scored 11. It wasn’t enough. The Cookies had rare balanced production with five players scoring nine point or more. They were spiritually led by Jason Hanson who scored. Joseph said, “sad but true.” A baffled Weitz, who dropped another daughter at gymnastics at 4:45AM, said, “We win?? Really?? Are you sure??  Did the other team die??”

 

Week 9 Previews – When the monkeys put the schedule together for 2011, they seemed to know that Adrian Peterson wouldn’t be playing against his former team. Some people have speculated that the Peterson faction paid the monkeys in bananas. What is sure is that the monkeys did not know was the Herrings and 44’s would have a combined one loss between them. It looks like Peterson will sit out with a limp wrist, the worst excuse we’ve heard since I wrote that I couldn’t complete my journal in high school because I had gone blind. Owner John Stoer has basically owned Owner Charlie Mitchell since the younger Mitchell came into the league. The 44’s have won six of the last seven meetings and six of eight overall. Stoer said, “Bring. It. On.” None of the 44’s are sitting this one out and Andre Johnson may even be back in the lineup. We assume that would be Santonio Holmes would be sitting. Daryl Smith is sitting at home for the Herrings as well. He is knitting a get well curio for Peterson’s wrist. Mitchell said, “I can’t believe AP is missing this game.  Looking forward to playing the 44s, who have fleeced me in so many trades over the years, now that we made one that seems to have worked out for both of us.” Vegas has said the game is a pick’em. No other team has more than a two-game winning streak. In fact, the two teams that boast that very, very modest number face off. Unless the Envy and Call tie, then one streak will end. Owner Perry Missner said, “Ah, the rookie. Started with a full head of steam, but has since cooled off. We know Matt Schaub well. And, Matt Schaub, you are no anal rapist. Advantage Envy.” Starting QB Matthew Stafford is sitting this one out, but the Call have legions of former-Envy players including Beanie Wells and Cedric Benson in the lineup. Most of the Envy were resting last week, so players like Jackie Robinson and Matt Forte should be ready to go for a three-game winning streak, which would be the Envy’s first since 2008. Owner Stevie Johnson hopes to keep his championship hopes alive against the Wookies. Johnson said, “Pick up 3 games in 8? It’s possible.” To put this in romantic comedy terms, “So you’re saying that it is not possible?!? KATHERINE HEIGL SAID ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!” The Brents have beaten the Wookies in their last three meetings. Owner Will Mitchell will need to find replacements for Calvin Johnson, Steve Smith, and DeAnjello Williams. Meanwhile, Johnson is starting Jordy Nelson again. Only he knows why. The Cubists and Cookies meet for the 14^th straight year. The Cookies swept the series last year, which may have been an omen for Owner Jason Moore in 2011. Moore said, “On paper, we should be able to beat this team. On paper.” Of course, these games aren’t played on paper – they are played in the ether of the Internet. Moore needs to find a defensive replacement for Paul Posluszny and maybe a human replacement for Chris Johnson. Owner Dan Weitz, who dropped a daughter off at school said, “Could we possible win 2 in a row?  The cookies could be streaking.” Let’s just leave that comment alone. The Cookies have Michael Bush in the lineup along with kick returner specialists Joshua Cribbs and Devin Hester. Owner Rich Joseph had this to say about his Week 9 meeting with the Coroners, “we need to earn some respect again!” The Coroners should have their legions of Raiders back, but they will need to sit Percy Harvin. The Busters have lost four straight, their second longest losing streak in franchise history. They were also swept by the Coroners last year. To make matters worse, Cam Newton is on the bye. Joseph has made the controversial move of replacing Newton with Tim Tebow. Let us be clear about this: Merrill Hoge hates Tebow. Hoge hates everything about Tebow. In fact, Hoge has gone on the ESPN airwaves to say that he hates Jesus, just to spite Tebow. Hoge went sputtering hate for a few minutes, but I turned the channel. The Coroners have dropped seven in a row, their longest losing streak since 2003. They are also 2-11 in Week Nines and haven’t won the odd battle since 2003.

 

————————————————The Decembrists Sing Billy Liar Press—————————————-

 

2011 – Week 7

LOVE CONQUERS HATE

P-Miss Envy 145 Weaselicious Cookies 74
Red Herrings 85 The Ballbusters 74
Syracuse 44’s 96 Peaks Island Wookies 72
Brentless Brents Forever 111 San Francisco Cubists 63
Beck & Call 58 County Coroners 42
Week 8 Previews

P-Miss Envy 145 Weaselicious Cookies 74 – Hollywood is always for the classic good vs. evil stories. They have foisted on the public such dreck as the Bad News Bears in Omro, Highlander 4: There Can Be Only Four, and the Star Wars prequels. Now, they Hollywood writers are jockeying for the story of the Week 7 battle between the Envy and Cookies. Owners Perry Missner and Dan Weitz were once best of friends, but that friendship did not preclude Missner from moving away from his home in Wisconsin. There have been rumors that something Weitz said caused the move, but these rumors have never been substantiated. In any case, the two were once one in their hatred of the Green Bay Packers. Missner moved away and his hate quelled. Weitz stayed and he became hateful and in some cases even demonic. It was the classic battle of love vs. hate. Love won. Convincingly. While Weitz was having his weekly meltdown (which over the last three years were seasonal meltdowns – not so in 2011), the Envy were running up and down the field on their way to franchise high 145 points. They snapped a four-game losing streak and bested their previous high of 125 points set in 2007 against the Cubists by 20 points (if my math is correct). Ben Roethlisberger led the forces of Love with 30 points, while DeMeco Murray stuck it to Weitz with 22 points/ There were three other All Pro performances for the Envy including Jackie Robinson. Even the one player who did not perform well, Miles Austin, was key in the win by dropping a number of Tony Romo passes. That’s just smart playing. There wasn’t much the Cookies could do, but getting four points from the O-flex did not help. It goes as no surprise as this isn’t the worst loss in Cookie history. They were slammed by 88 points in 2009 by the Red Herrings. Perhaps that was foreshadowing of the Herrings current success and perhaps it was just a red herring. Missner, who answered the gameball question with “yes,” said, “Everything just came together in a holy fusion of love and understanding. The background threat of rape was always in the air, but even that was tinged with love. Maybe now Dan will learn to open his heart to all football teams.” Sadly, Weitz seems to have gone even more bat shit crazy as can be seen in a recent photo:

Red Herrings 85 The Ballbusters 74 – Is there anything that can stop the Herrings? With Tom Brady deciding to take the week off, Owner Charlie Mitchell went with his 2007 backup, Matt Cassel. That did not work out so well as Cassel kept dropping the ball and ended up with a -1. After the game, Cassel asked the media, “Do you think I’m getting lazy?” The media had no answer. They are just a conduit between people that matter and people that don’t. Some of the people that definitely matter are the league owners. League owners had a wide variety of responses that all equaled that Cassel is definitely getting lazy, although Owner Rick Heller said, “Not enough data points yet…” Owner Jason Moore noted, “You must be. It’s an age thing.” Owner Stevie Johnson said, “Its called a 40 something father.” Owner Perry Missner, said from his couch, “Yes, you fat piece of shit. Get off your ass and do something!” Cassel was cut soon after the game. He promised not to be so lazy, but quickly disappeared into his basement to play darts. The Busters put a scare into the Herrings. Cam Newton was back to being awesome again with 23 points. Dan Bailey and Jared Allen each had 11 and former teammates Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgeralrd combined for 14. The Busters held a ten-point lead heading into Monday night, but Mitchell has saved Terrell Suggs and Daryl Smith for the occasion. In a defensive struggle, Suggs brought the team close with eight points and Smith put them over the top for the seventh straight win with 13. Mitchell yelped like his Wookie brother, “Daryl!” The best start in Modano history belongs to the 2000 San Francisco Cubists who opened the season with eight wins on their way to the championship. Mitchell will look to tie that record next week against those self same Cubists.

Syracuse 44’s 96 Peaks Island Wookies 72 – With his team winning on cruise control, Owner John Stoer decided that he needed a cruise. He got into his Volkswagen Buggy, a car generally reserved for women, and headed to Busch Gardners. He noted, “I missed all the games this week due to the fact that I was celebrating Oktoberfest with tankards of ale and Frankenstein’s naughty nurses at the Festhaus in Busch Gardens so I’ll let someone who actually watched the games this week respond to the recap questions.” That person was Brittany Brees, the significant other to new 44 QB Drew Brees. The Mrs. hasn’t missed any of Drew’s games even when she was in labor with their second child. Her water actually broke at halftime, but she gutted out the game. Brees watched her husband comb through the Wookies defense like a sweet combover. She gave the gameball to “Oh dear, it just has to go to my Drew, doesn’t it? He was sooooo good this week, wasn’t he?” Brees had a week leading 40 points and set up Fred Davis and Steve Jackson for a combined 21. She was not quite as pleased with another 44. She commented, “Well, we wouldn’t want to cut anyone, that wouldn’t be nice, but I’m a big fan of Welcome Back Kotter so I’ll say that Nate “Boom Boom” Washington just didn’t help enough.” Mrs. Brees also said she didn’t like the way Santonio Holmes (one point) looked at her and that Billy Cundiff’s name just sounds unchristian. The Wookies did not put up much of a fight. Calvin Johnson led the team with 13, but veterans such as Dallas Clark and Troy Polaumalu looked washed up. The Wookies fell to 2-11 in Week Sevens, but they did receive sterling performances from Charles Tillman and Brian Urlacher, who combined for 18. It wasn’t enough. On the win, Mrs. Brees who met her husband at Purdue, said, “When my Drew plays like that, it’s really hard to beat his team. Especially, and I’m sorry to be mean, when Joe Flacco stinks up the joint. Gosh he was bad.”

Brentless Brents Forever 111 San Francisco Cubists 63 – Every marriage has its problems. Like anything else in life there are good times and bad times. After five weeks of wedded bliss the combination of Owner Jason Moore and quarterback Aaron Rodgers had their first fight. It seems that Rodgers is tired of playing, cooking, taking out the garbage, cleaning, and making sure that all of Moore’s shows are recorded on the DVR. All in all, Rodgers told the media that he is just tired of losing. Like Terrell Owens seeing Randy Moss run the same route over and over again, Rodgers looked across the grid iron and saw a well-oiled machine. He knows that he’ll never be Brent Farf, but he could imagine himself on the Brentless Brents Forver now that they are Brentless forever. Moore said nothing doing. To him, married means forever. Rodgers may have had a point this week. He scored 29 points and his teammates provided 34. Dustin Keller and Ryan Torain looked like they didn’t even play. There is also something truly wrong with Chris Johnson, who had just two points. Meanwhile, the Brents were racked with byes, but nothing is stopping Owner Stevie Johnson right now. His team has knocked off five straight wins and he had a multitude of options for the gameball: “So many to consider! Foster for getting production like 2 all pros. Sproles for producing in all aspects of the game. Even Mark Sanchez.. he looks like crap but always gets double digit points. Much better play then Ryan (sigh) but 3 TDs on a bye week? YES SIR!” Foster produced as many points as 16 Chris Johnsons and even Neil Rackers offset John Kasay’s big day. Johnson was not quite as please with the D-flex, which combined for ten points and Jacoby Jones scored just one. While Moore tried to soothe Rodgers, the quarterback couldn’t have been pleased with the following statement, “Kasay making a strong play for keeper status.” Meanwhile, the Brents made it past the trap and have a big game against the 44’s in the offing.

Beck & Call 58 County Coroners 42 – If there were ever a game that required the … treatment, it might be this one. However, we are going to quiet the critics who may think we are lazy and write it up. Take that, bitches! It was apparently Raider bye week in the County. No, the Raiders played? Whoa. The Raiders were looking forward to their bye week in Hawaii and they did not bring it against the league’s rookie. Owner Chad Nuss not only saw his team lose to the hated Chiefs, but Darren McFadden got hurt before scoring. Kevin Boss did not get hurt, but did not score. Denarius Moore outscored all three of his fellow Raider/Coroners with three. The leading scorer was former Raider Charles Woodson who had 13. The Coroners’ 42 points were the low of the season and the team has scored just 98 points in the last two weeks. Meanwhile, Owner Rick Heller was happy to get a fluke win. He noted, “Tashard Choice was definitely not a good choice (you’re welcome for the chance to mock my pun).” Wait – there was a pun there? He gave the gameball to Drew Brees, “the bastard,” for holding out on him. Jimmy Graham scored 15, but wept and what might have been with Brees. The man who came for Brees, Ray Rice, scored a big fat nil. Meanwhile, Heller said he was going to send some funds to “Herman Cain! He doesn’t do the usual political response, and he has no campaign infrastructure to keep him in line.” Owner Perry Missner agreed, “I like Herman Cain. Godfather’s Pizza? Really? That’s the best we can do? How about the abortion clinic bomber who runs Domino’s and Coors.” Mrs. Brees said, “Drew likes Governor Perry but honestly I don’t pay any attention to the GOP. I like Mary Landrieu.” Who doesn’t? Va-va-va-voom! Owner Stevie Johnson said, “Bachmann. The amount of crazy ass shit that comes out of her mouth is amazing. The fact that she is still in the race…. more so.” You mean the fact the dinosaurs created McDonalds is crazy? Owner Jason Moore said, “Romney. Some redeeming qualities, including excellent posture. It would be nice if Aaron Rodgers didn’t slump like that all of the time.” The Beck & Call moved back above .500 and are just one of four teams that have winning records after seven weeks.

Week 8 Previews – As we mentioned above, the best game of the week is the two teams vying for second place. The 44’s are the league’s top scoring team with 733 points and they have won three straight. In the series, the Brents have won the last three games and the two teams have combined for at least 190 points in each game, including a 120-134 Week 10 win last year. Owner Stevie Johnson said, “Now we start getting the top dogs playing each other. Smell the excitement!” That’s not excitement, Stevie as Mrs. Brees will explain, “This is the first of two big weeks for Drew and the guys so I’m going to fix all his favorite meals and let him have the controller to watch his favorite shows and hopefully he can lead the 44′s to victory over the pee-pee Bretts.” Stoer is back from Busch Gardens and he may still be drunk to start Antonio Brown. He should cancel Jackie Battle for the Brents who welcome back Michael Vick and Ahmad Bradshaw from the bye. The Herrings face the cellar dwelling Cubists. That seems odd to write. To make matters worse, Aaron Rodgers has walked out for the week. He said, “I just need to figure out where my head is at.” Moore has tabbed Alex Smith to replace him. Yes, Alex Smith. You can stop laughing now. Ryan Torain si still in the lineup and is keeper John Kasay. Tom Brady is back for the Herrings. Moore said, “Facing the top team with Rodgers on a bye means I do not have to watch football this weekend.” Of course, anything can happen in Modano land. Back in his championship days, Moore’s team was once beaten by Rob Ouaou. He was also known as Don Ouaou. The Beck & Call hope to stay within reach of the top spot when they face the slumping Wookies. 58 points probably isn’t going to get it done for Owner Rick Heller’s team and he hopes to get something from David Nelson and George Wilson of the Bills. Owner Will Mitchell hopes to snap his two-game losing streak in which his team has only averaged 68 points. Calvin Johnson is playing in Denver where he should be able to leap 30 feet in the air. Wes Welker and Eli Manning are also back. The Busters have dropped three straight for the first time since 2007 when they had a franchise-long four straight losses. They face the Cookies. At this point, Owner Rich Joseph does not have a kicker, which is thought to be a sin by Owner Dan Weitz. The Cookies don’t have a defense. Another team without a defense is the Coroners who are facing the love-filled Envy. It’s bye week for the Raiders, so Nuss’s team has six open slots. Owner Perry Missner said, “I think we’ve been beaten by the Coroners on their Raiderless week before, so we are not taking this week lightly. We have a lot of byes ourselves, but if we get anything out of Ben Tate and Kendall Hunter, I hope we win.” The teams have split their games in the last three years. The Coroners do have offensive players to fit three slots on the bench, but will they or the Cookies field a defense? Slight intrigue is better than none.
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2011 – Week 6

44’s SEND CALL BACK TO .500

Syracuse 44’s 114 Beck & Call 96
Red Herrings 79 P-Miss Envy 75
Brentless Brents Forever 90 The Ballbusters 83
San Francisco Cubists 77 Peaks Island Wookies 64
Weaselicious Cookies 61 County Coroner 56
Week 7 Previews

Syracuse 44’s 114 Beck & Call 96 – Look out for the 44’s. That’s the warning to the rest of the league. After just 14 years, it seems like Owner John Stoer might have this thing down. After knocking the Beck & Call off their above .500 perch, the 44’s have equaled their franchise best start (set also in 2001 and 2009). Stoer was not sure what to expect in facing the newly reconstituted team, even if it still was under the management of a Sidwell Friend. Owner Rick Heller has taken the league by storm with his innovative ways. Whether it is genius or naiveté is anybody’s guess, but the Call have scored the second most points in the league (next to the 44’s). The teams also got together for an axis-tilting trade two weeks ago. The principles all showed their teams what they could and could not do. Ray Rice and Drew Brees scored ten points apiece to cancel each other out. Matt Schaub stayed on the bench, but Michael Turner seemed glad to be away from the Call and scored 21 points in his 44 debut. Stoer gave the gameball to Fred! Who scored 17 and his brother Steven had another seven. Perhaps the game’s biggest surprise was the play of little Billy Cundiff who scored 17 points. Stoer was not happy with James “Poopy” Starks who scored a team-low four points. Because his team is winning, Stoer feels he can dictate sports along the eastern seaboard. He said, “[I am occupying] Peter Angelos’ office at Camden Yards. Sell the team already you bloated scrote.” Stoer also said, “Wins over Cubists week 5 and Beck and Call week 6- life is good here in upstate NY. Drew needs to cut down on the picks but otherwise I have very little to complain…”

Red Herrings 79 P-Miss Envy 75 – Speaking of idiots playing the Herrings, the Envy put their best foot forward and nearly knocked off the undefeated league leaders. Owner Perry Missner has been a shell of himself since signing Ben Roethlisberger to the team. Big Ben has taken over and promised to rape anyone (anally, of course) that stands in his way. This unhappy stance caused the Envy to lose in Week 6 because had Missner the stones to start Jay Cutler or Josh Freeman, the Envy would have won. Roethlisberger did score 12 points and Marques Colston seemed comfortable with the shower arrangements. He scored 14. Missner was not happy with “Jerkmichael could have played a lot better. Three TD’s against the Bears and bumpkis against everyone else.” Brian Cusing and Miles Austin in his return combined for just seven points. Meanwhile, the Herrings were struggling to score points against the Envy’s gimmick defense. Missner had players running all over the field in an attempt to show that chaos theory works. Owner Charlie Mitchell gave the gameball oto AP for the game-winning TD as the Bears routed the Vikings but allowed Adrian Peterson to score. Mitchell said that Victor Cruz “probably could have scored more than zero” but Tom Brady scored 16 and set up Mike Wallace and LeSean McCoy for 25 more. Terrell Suggs only scored one point. Overall, Mitchell said, “Another nailbiter. Clutch late scores from Brady and AP.” Missner, whose team is in the midst of its longest losing streak since 2007, said, “Had I started a different…”

Brentless Brents Forever 90 The Ballbusters 83 – If it weren’t for the 44’s and Herrings, the Brents would be the hottest team in the league. As they usually do, they bounced back from a slow start and now have won four in a row. Each week Owner Stevie Johnson gets peak performances from a different player. In Week 6, it was Ahmad Bradshaw, who not only scored 25 points but sent fake plays to Buster QB Cam Newton, who was held to seven. Johnson bypassed himself (who scored nine) to give the game ball to Bradshaw. Michael Vick had 13 points and annoying Jordy Nelson had 12. Newton’s poor play made Owner Rich Joseph frown (:<) , but Joseph was happy with Rashard Mendenhall who ran for 15. Johnson was not happy with his defense, which scored just 16 including a bullet from Bryan Scott. Jared Allen scored 13 for the Busters, but Tim Hightower went below one for his score. Johnson, who is occupying his couch, had this to say, “How much did Oak give up for Palmer? Is it 2007 on the West Coast?” Meanwhile, the team had a powwow and decided that Johnson could no longer…

San Francisco Cubists 77 Peaks Island Wookies 64 – It’s finally over. Owner Jason Moore tends to be a weepy guy. He has wept at each championship ceremony his team has had and the camera traces a tear down his cheek as time ran out in the team’s first win in 2011. Of course, he could also be weeping tears of joy now that his marriage to Aaron Rodgers is now legal in the state of Nebraska. In fact, every state other than Utah has legalized gay marriage. Rodgers had another 26 points and handed off excellently to Frank Gore who had 15. Peyton Hillis and Pierre Garcon, who are militant Catholics, refused to score. Ryan Torain and Jairus Byrd, who are militant Herman Cain supporters, only scored two points apiece. The Wookies saw their three-game winning streak disappear in a strangled yarl. Owner Will Mitchell cussed out the entire team and said, “The whole damn team [could have played somewhat better]. That was pathetic. But especially Vernon Davis.” Moore summed up with the win with “An ugly one, but beggars can't be choosers. This team is an epic disappointment, but at least we are in the win column.”Meanwhile, Mitchell said, “I was stuck at laguardia airport nearly all…”

Weaselicious Cookies 61 County Coroner 56 …

…

Week 7 Previews – Week 7 does not have the best match ups. The league is clamoring for Herrings-44’s, but they play only once this season in Week 9 and Adrian Peterson, who thinks of Owner John Stoer as a surrogate father-in-law will be on the bye. This week, the Herrings play the Corn Chowdah bowl against the Busters. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “Brady is taking the weak off, along with a lot of my team. This one is going to be really tough.” Like Bill Belichick, Mitchell has called upon Matt Cassel and has scout teamers Willis McGahee and Doug Baldwin in the lineup. The Busters have all of their starters intact and have four of the last five meetings. Had this match up happened a week ago, the 44’s and Wookies would have been the top game. Now that the Wookies have been punched in the gut by the Cubists, the bloom is off the rose. Before any substitutions were made, Owner Will Mitchell said, “yahoo says we are supposed to win 77-75.” Yahoo now has the 44’s as a one-point favorite. Mitchell is going with Joe Flacco as his QB and has Brian Urlacher and Charles Tillman in his defense. Nice. Owner John Stoer, whose team has won the last four meetings, said, “Fred!'s bye week means we are going to be without our surprise star so someone is going to have to step up if we are going to beat Megatron and his mates.” That someone could be Nate Washington, an Envy washout or little Billy Cundiff again. The Cubists hope to start a winning streak of their own by ending another winning streak. The Brents have won four in a row and it was almost as if Owner Stevie Johnson wasn’t interested in the game. He said, “Ok…

[crickets]

Can someone beat the Herrings already?” We’ll have to see if Johnson will root for or against Aaron Rodgers. The Brents have many bye players so they are going with Mark Sanchez, Jackie Battle, and Jacoby Jones. Yikes. Of course, the Cubists have Pierre Garcon, Ryan Torain, and Steve (not Stevie) Breaston. Oh, those are their regular starters? Yeesh. Owner Jason Moore said, “One of my keepers has been great all year, one is rounding into form. Time for the third to step up, and no better team to do it against.” The Beck & Call hope to top .500 again against the Coroners who have dropped five in a row. The Coroners have not named a quarterback with Carson Palmer presumably starting. They also have to replace three players on the bye. Owner Rick Heller has Tashard Choice as his bye week choice replacement. Finally, two 2-4 teams meet…

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2011 – Week 5

SOMETHING STINKS IN SAN FRANCISCO

Syracuse 44’s 112 San Francisco Cubists 77
Red Herrings 113 County Coroners 86
Beck & Call 91 Weaselicious Cookies 67
Brentless Brents Forever 70 P-Miss Envy 52
Peaks Island Wookies 99 The Ballbusters 80
Week 6 Previews

Syracuse 44’s 112 San Francisco Cubists 77 – What is going on in San Francisco? The city has prided itself on many things, including its tolerance, hills, cable cars, and winning in the Modano Mi Hermano league. The tolerance, hills, and cable cars, but Owner Jason Moore and his team are letting the city down. If there is one thing we know, it is that a city is defined by its success in sports. In fact, Detroit is doing well with the Lions and Tigers in the news (even though 50% of the people there are unemployed). Moore was very excited a few weeks ago when he announced his impending nuptials to Aaron Rodgers. However, the excitement has abated as the rest of the Cubists have become jealous of the Rodgers-Moore impending wedding and have all been sulking. For example, Dustin Keller – who like everyone else has seen Brent Farf’s penis – refused to score. Jonathan Stewart scored a point, but it was taken away by Mike Williams. The D-flex only combined for nine points. Rodgers continued to play well in the bloom of his engagement ring. He scored 25 points and best man John Kasay chipped in 12 more and a corsage. Meanwhile, there were big changes in Syracuse as riverboat gambler Owner John Stoer pulled off another huge deal. The league’s Billy Beane (not Billy Bean) pulled off a deal to shore up his squad in their bye week. He traded Ray Rice and Matt Schaub, neither of whom had much history in Syracuse, for Drew Brees and Michael Turner. The new 44’s combined for 29 points and looked right at home. The O-flex went triflexa with BenJarvus Green-Ellis leading the way with 21 points. Fred Jackson had 18. Stoer gave the gameball to Fred! He said that no one deserved any blame, even Kyle Vanden Bosch who was shut out (although he would have been very successful if he were given points for inducing false starts). Patrick Willis showed there is still some pride in San Francisco with 14 points. Stoer said, “I knew we couldn’t stand pat to beat a team as awe-inspiring as the Cubists, so thanks to Drew Brees for inspiring the o-flex.”

Red Herrings 113 County Coroners 86 – The league has seen Owner Chad Nuss in many states. He was apoplectic about the Snow Bowl, ecstatic when the Raiders made the Super Bowl, and somewhat blue about JaMarcus Nelson. However, with the passing of Al Davis, the league watched Nuss become sad, reflective, and at time weepy. In order to pick up their down friend, league owners had a powwow to determine how the league should honor Davis, who provided almost as much as Michael Irvin to league bonhomie. Owner Charlie Mitchell, whose team had the task of facing the inspired Coroners, said, “Windbreaker, sunglasses and pomade day.” Owner John Stoer said, “Each team should get a past Raider player as a ceremonial captain for one week. I’d like Otis Sistrunk.” That’s a nice suggestion. Owner Dan Weitz’s, however, made no sense: “By giving the Cookies more number 1 draft picks so I might finally win this league. It’s what Al would’ve wanted.” Davis’s will was very detailed and there was no mention of the Cookies. Owner Rick Heller said, “give the winner of the “fastest man” contest in the NFL the “Al Davis” award.” Owner Stevie Johnson said, “Erect a public statue and then go to court for a few decades to try and have it removed.” Yes! And Owner Perry Missner said, “I am going to cover myself with Stickem.” That’s gross. As for the game, it looked as if only one Coroner was completely focused on the field. It was, of course, Sebastian Janakowski, who honored Al with 16 points. Dwayne Bowe had 20 and DeSean Jackson had 12, but Denarius Moore could not fight through the emotions and only scored one. Meanwhile, the Herring train kept rolling. Adrian Peterson had his first huge game as a Herring with 26 points to offset Tom Brady who was held to 13. Mason Crosby, always the villain, nearly cancelled out Sea Bass’s play with 14 and Mitchell gave the gameball to Jason Pierre-Paul for his 14 points because “Impressive defensive performances are so rare that he edged out a great AP.” Mitchell summed up the win with “Back on track, Jack.”

Beck & Call 91 Weaselicious Cookies 67 – Owner Dan Weitz likes to point fingers. In the past, he has blamed his team’s losing ways on aliens, the water quality in Ripon, Wisconsin, and even Drew Barrymore movies. Weitz’s latest litany of comments have been blaming government intrusion that have caused his team’s losing ways. He said, “[how can my team win, when the government] is basically raping me every time I try and fly anywhere.” By this point, Weitz could afford a chartered plane, but he is once again skimping on his team, although they do have the best scouts in Asia in the league. Government intrusion became a league talking point and media was there to record reactions. On the topic, Owner Stevie Johnson said, “They don’t intrude enough. I record my morning routine and send a movie to them every day.” The government has been returning these covert packages back to the sender. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “I am less concerned with government intrusion at the moment than corporate intrusion. Though when I worked at the ACLU we discovered a poorly executed listening device in our elevator from the FBI. Woops.” Owner Rick Heller whined, “the government doubled my commut by taking away my HOV pass (after giving it to me in the first place).” Meanwhile, Owner John Stoer had the biggest complaint, “Raising the tax on my beer.” Sto needs his beer! Back on the field, the Cookies were exhausted from another anal raping from American Airlines and did little of interest. Jahvid Best got the gameball from Weitz for his 16 points. Weitz said, “Jahvid had a nice performance especially since we really didn’t want him, keep it up and maybe we will let you into the family.” The team received another negative QB performance from Kyle Orton who lost his starting position. Weitz said, “Every week we can basically blame the QB, it’s like we’ve been cursed. Maybe its the same Pecker’s curse that is affecting Perry except ours is crappy QB play.” Call it the Curse of the Ponce. Owner Rick Heller was happy to take advantage. Matthew Stafford took over for the traded Drew Brees and had 16 points. George Wilson had a wonderful life with 17 points and Hakeem Nicks had ten. The Call have not scored less than 85 points in any of the five games this season. Consistency counts!

Brentless Brents Forever 70 P-Miss Envy 52 – Two teams headed in opposite directions. That’s what we have here. The Brents dropped their first two games among injuries, but Owner Stevie Johnson had the inspired plan of rebranding himself and taking the field. While the change seems to have had a detrimental effect of Johnson and his production (he had one point), but it has galvanized the team. The Brents have run three wins in a row and faced the bungling Envy in Week 5. Johnson gave the gameball to Arian Foster for piling up yards and grabbing 11 points. Michael Vick had 10. Neil Rackers and Jason McCourty almost had double digits. The Envy had the same number of players in double figures with two. Jackie Robinson had 11 points and Brian Cushing had 12. Owner Perry Missner gave the gameball to Matt Forte for “running hard without an offensive line.” Forte had nine points, which nearly equaled the entire O-flex, which had ten. The Envy were undone by QB Josh Freeman who was undone by the stench in San Francisco. You can’t hold your nose and quarterback at the same time. Freeman threw a pick six and ended up with -6. Missner said, “Josh Freeman needs to be one with the bench.” And so it shall be. The Brents have won five straight games or five of six games since Brent Farf left the Packers.

Peaks Island Wookies 99 The Ballbusters 80 – Owner Rich Joseph has a lot of useless skills. One of the skills that he has that is not useless is identifying excellent quarterbacks. The transition from the Peyton Manning era to the Cam Newton era has been noting short of astonishing. However, when his friends were interviewed for an upcoming ESPN documentary, there was plenty of argument over what Joseph’s most useless skill was. Owner Perry Missner said it was “beat boxing,” while Owner Stevie Johnson said that “social skills [are overrated]. Who needs them now with texting and tweets. No need to interact at all.” Owner Dan Weitz was not impressed by “riding a bike, how big of a deal is it if you never forget how to do it.” Similarly, Owner John Stoer said, “Making a “good” cup of coffee- it’s just freaking coffee!” Meanwhile, Owner Charlie Mitchell put it most simply, “Nunchuks.” While Owner Will Mitchell did not comment on Joseph’s most useless skill, he was quite pleased to win a Chowdah Bowl. He wasn’t able to stop Newton, who had another 23 points. Mitchell was disappointed by Stephen Gostkowski had 12 and former Wookie Jared Allen had 15, but he was pleased by Joseph Addai and Isaac Redman. Meanwhile, the Wookies are howling along. They had three players that were one point shy of All Pro status with Eli Manning, Calvin Johnson, and Vernon Davis. If Mitchell had talked to the media, he would have given Davis the gameball. The resurgent Wookies have won three straight for the first times since 2008.

Week 6 Previews – Week 6 has a number of intriguing match ups, but perhaps the best of the lot pits grizzled veteran Owner John Stoer and against the league’s puppy, Owner Rick Heller. The two completed a quiet trade last week that could alter the course of the universe. Heller wondered if “Ray Rice can outplay Drew Brees and Michael Turner?” Apparently, Heller doesn’t see Matt Schaub as an option at QB. David Nelson makes his first start for the Call, whiles Brees will have to remember who is throwing to. Stoer said, “I’m impressed with how quickly Mr. Heller has dismantled the team he inherited (and the arcane rules it used to run under) and remade it into a viable championship contender so we will need to be at our best if we are going to beat the vastly improved Rex and Call.” The undefeated Herrings take on the Envy who have the third longest losing streak in the league. Owner Perry Missner said, “In order to think like the enemy, you need a serial rapist on your side. Charlie has a helluva team, but we are going to hit him where it hurts. In the butt!” Ben Roethlisberger has been summoned from the redneck bar to start for the Envy, which may make Jay Cutler sulk. Miles Austin and Marques Colston also return for the Envy. Knowing to leave well enough alone, Owner Charlie Mitchell looks like he’ll trot out the same lineup. He said, “Looking to stay on a roll before half my team takes a break in Week 7.” The teams have split their series in the last two seasons. The Envy have scored 52, 72, 92, and 112 in the last four weeks, so either 132 or 32 are next. The Brents have won their last three and they will go for four in a row against the Busters. A confused Stevie Johnson said, “Better get my act in shape with the Wunderkind coming to town.” The “Wunderkind” has won three of the last five meetings and has A.J. Green and Joseph Addai in the lineup. The Brents are playing Jordy Nelson. The Wookies are the league’s second hottest team (tied with the Brents) and they get to try to knock the Cubists down to 0-6. The Cubists are actually one-point favorites, but Owner Will Mitchell said, “Fitz is the tits.” Owner Jason Moore has put Peyton Hillis and Ryan Torain in the lineup. Bride-to-be Aaron Rodgers is at home against the Rams. Finally, the Cookies and Coroners meet. They have two wins between them. Owner Dan Weitz said, “What we are only on week 6? This is going to be a long year!!” He is playing Devery Henderson, while Owner Chad Nuss may be too sad to replace Philip Rivers and Dwayne Bowe who are on the bye. The Cookies have won five of the last six meetings.

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