2009 – Week 16

CUBISTS WIN ONE FOR THE OTHER INDEX FINGER, IOWA CITY REJOICES

Iowa City Cubists (14-2) 94 Brentful Brents (6-10) 74
Weaselicious Cookies (10-6) 70 The Ballbusters (11-5) 63
Syracuse 44’s (12-4) 117 Peaks Island Wookies (4-11-1) 111
County Coroners (6-10) 105 Full of Bull (5-10-1) 102
P-Miss Envy (7-9) 98 Red Herrings (4-12) 79
Week 17 Previews

Iowa City Cubists (14-2) 94 Brentful Brents (6-10) 74 – The city of Iowa City is known for many things. It is the county seat of Johnson County, home of the University of Iowa, and birthplace of Brian Bell, the guitarist of Weezer. The one thing the city lacked was a world champion, but you no longer have to make wishes, Iowa City – your dream has come true. Upon thrashing the Brentful Brents, who have ties to the Iowa City community, Owner Jason Moore and his players were feted like never before … in Iowa. The city basically shut down for the Cubist parade and almost 30 people showed up to hear Moore’s valedictory speech in which he spent 12 minutes castigating the play of Maurice Morris who “single handedly caused us to lose out 100-point game streak at eight by not scoring a TD. Maurice, the Cubists demand TD’s. It’s a tradition.” Nevertheless, the ever-beneficent Moore decided not to cut Morris … yet. Moore’s speech was interrupted when a young man named Jules said, “Hey!” So how did the Cubists pick up their 14th win? It was another balanced effort. Moore gave the gameball to Chris Johnson for leading the team with 17 points. Aaron Rodgers, Andre Johnson, Frank Gore, and David Akers all scored in double-digits as well. Moore’s only real worry was that Brents’ QB Brent Farf would have a fantastic game in the cold air of Chicago. Oh, wait a minute: Farf’s old and plays in a temperature controlled dome. He doesn’t like cold, which is why Packer fans never really accepted him as one of their own. Now, they uniformly hate him. Well, all of them except Owner Steve Johnson who has a soft place in his heart (or is it his head) for the inbred hillbilly moron. Farf did score 20 points, but lost crucial fumbles and got outplayed by Jay Cutler. Johnson said that he played below expectations because “There is no reason I couldn’t have checked on SJ or had Wayne in there. Its all on me. Stupid dumb real life!” Let’s face facts – he was Ouaouing it. Moore finished off his speech by noting, “The offense wasn’t clicking on all cylinders, but we held it together. I am very proud of this team, and our leaders Aaron Rodgers and Chris Johnson.”

Weaselicious Cookies (10-6) 70 The Ballbusters (11-5) 63 – After 12 years of frustration, it seems like Owner Dan Weitz has finally figured out this fantasy football thing. The less he monkeys with his team, the better they perform. Weitz has basically managed his team in absentia this season with no media contact and minimal player movement. The result: his first ever double digit win season. In Week 15, Weitz took his laissez fair attitude to a new depth as he couldn’t be bothered to move his recently picked up kicker from the bench to the starting spot. And it wasn’t as if he were playing in a meaningless game. The Busters were mathematically alive coming in. Owner Rich Joseph decided to give Peyton Manning the week off so that he could rest up for Week 17 and played Alex Smith. The 49er QB might have engineered a win if he had Roddy White (21 points) and Thomas Jones (13 points) to work with. Sadly, those 34 points were lost to the bench and the once prominent Buster O-flex was held to six points. Joseph gave his gameball to Julius Peppers and said, “need I say more?” The media hounded him about the Manning decision, but he finally took a stand and said, “I don’t want unwanted people in my personal life.” Does that mean that Joseph may soon become as media unfriendly as Weitz? Well, if it means winning all sorts of close games, then maybe. The Cookies were led by their Cowboys, Tony Romo and Marion Barber who scored a dozen apiece. Visanthe Shiancoe also scored another TD. The Cookies won five games by less than ten points this year and were outscored by both the Envy and Brents (as well as their competition), but wins is wins. The Cookies eclipsed their most winning seasons of 2003 and 2008 when they won nine. They have also won seven of their last nine. If nothing else, Joseph can take comfort in the fact that his team was the only one this season (so far) to deal the Cubists a loss. Should they meet in the boxing ring, Joseph can say, “You never got me down, Mo. You never got me down.”

Syracuse 44’s (12-4) 117 Peaks Island Wookies (4-11-1) 111 – After what felt like months away from home, wandering the New Zealand outback (if there is such a thing), finding a lost love, and making a big decision, Owner John Stoer was home. He threw his keys on the counter and started to look through all of his mail. Months of catalogs to be thrown away. Stoer checked his message machine and was told, “you have zero messages.” He was about to crack open a beer and watch some Sports Center when he was startled by a figure sitting in his living room. The just turned out light reflected light off what was left of his greased back hair. The figure’s pronounced chin was reminiscent of somebody. Perhaps someone from Stoer’s past. The man made no move, but just stared daggers at Stoer. Then it came to him: the man was Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees. Just thinking of those four pseudo musicians made Stoer smile, until another connection was made. Dolenz said, “You’ve been a very busy boy, Mr. Stoer.” The voice was not the happy-go-lucky singer of Last Train to Clarksville. It had real hate in it. “And it seems you left a little something behind. Now, you are going to do the right thing and make an honest women out of my daughter. Right?” Stoer stammered, “Yes, Mickey” to which Dolenz cocked an eyebrow. “Yes, Mr. Dolenz, sir,” Stoer corrected himself. “Don’t worry, John. There’s plenty of good news. You are not only going to be a husband, but a father. And that will make me your father-in-law. If you try to hurt my Ami again, I will set Mike Nesmith on you. If you think I am ugly and mean after all this time, you should see how resentful he is because he wanted to sing Day Dream Believer. So, some time prior to the Super Bowl, we will all meet for a joyous occasion. Invite everyone you know and I will even spring for an open bar. Oh, and I expect you to be at the airport at 3PM tomorrow to pick up Ami.” And with that Dolenz disappeared into thin air. Meanwhile, the 44’s won behind 23 points from Donovan McNabb who is not invited to the wedding.

County Coroners (6-10) 105 Full of Bull (5-10-1) 102 – 2009 has been a season long championship hangover for Owner Randy Chambers and his Full of Something team. The season has been a mess of indiginities. A five game losing streak; Chambers started backing quarterback Drew Brees for the La-la-la-lafontaine MVP Award long before anyway was truly considering voting; two blowout losses to the Cubists, but nothing could surpass (or surbelow) what happened in Week 16 when the three-time champions were swept by the County Coroners. The Bulls did give a spirited effort that included their best D-flex performance of the season. Jon Beason and Brian Cushing had matching 17’s and the Flex accounted for 43 points. As just another disconnect on the season, Chambers dismissed his D-flex and gave his gameball to Jason Moore. Meanwhile, Owner Chad Nuss and his Coroners were up to their usual tricks. Nuss used to be a Raider fan, but he has sold his spiked shoulder pads and black and silver facepaint for the baby blues of his new team, the San Diego Chargers. Philip Rivers and Darren Sproles combined for 44 points, while Louis Murphy chipped in one critical point. Kirk Morrison led the D-flex with his own 17 and Steve Smith braved a broken forearm to score 10. In case you were wondering, Smith will be in the lineup for Week 17. Chambers, who can amazingly hold his breath for 35 minutes, needed some alone time after Derrick “Goat” Mason dropped a potential TD that would have given the Bulls their sixth win. Chambers noted, “We played well enough to win, and against Chad , that’s usually more than enough. Defense scored points, kicker performed well. All Mason had to do was catch the football.” The loss set a franchise hit and eclipsed the total of nine from 2007. The FoBs lost for the sixth time in franchise history when scoring 100+ points (they lost twice in 2001 and 2004 with totals in the hundreds) and will likely send Chambers back to the drawing board for 2010.

P-Miss Envy (7-9) 98 Red Herrings (4-12) 79 – There is something terribly wrong in the House of Mitchell. Since Week 8, the Herrings and Wookies have one win apiece. The Herrings beat the Wookies for their solitary win (while the Wookies dashed the championship hopes of the Busters with an upset win). Pundits have many theories for the Mitchell Brothers losing ways – too much time spent campaigning and sending many emails, too much time thinking about bowling rather than fantasy football, or possibly a voodoo curse. All of these theories have their backers and detractors, but whatever the cause, the Mitchell had better do some soul searching in the offseason before their family becomes more despised than the Trumps and/or McMahons. It wasn’t mentioned above because someone was trying to hard to get a storyline back on the rails, but the Wookies lost for the sixth straight time despite putting up 111 points. Meanwhile, the Herrings lost for the seventh straight time as a quarterback scorned came back to haunt them. Matt Schaub was unceremoniously dumped by Owner Charlie Mitchell when that ponce, Tom Brady became available. While, technically, Brady outscored Schaub 32-18 in the match up, it was the leadership of the Envy QB that made the difference. Leadership is intangible, don’t you know? Schaub won the gameball from Owner Perry Missner and helped the Envy O-flex go triflexa. Another scorned Envy member, Jerod “Hold the” Mayo had 11 points against the Patriot loving Herrings and stripped Larunce Maroney causing the dreadlocked Herring runner to give two points away. Missner, who “rarely updates my status, but I enjoy cracking wise about other people’s,” saw his team snap a two-game cold spell and boost his Week 16 record to 9-3. The Herrings, meanwhile, equaled their franchise long losing streak and Brady said that he was going to impregnate every able bodied female during the offseason to make sure that the human race evolves into something better. What a ponce.

Week 17 Previews – The championship is safely ensconced in Iowa City, so why don’t we cancel the rest of the season? Why? Because people have paid for tickets to see the greatest football players perform. It’s not like Colts fans are going to get a refund for watching Curtis Painter. With this in mind, Owner Jason Moore has his Iowa City Cubists ready to play. He said, “Unlike the Colts, we are not planning to shut it down–we’re trying for a 15-win season.” That would be a record. The Cubists may have to make some changes to their lineup as Aaron Rodgers and Fallas Clark may not play much, but Vegas has installed them as a 26-point favorite over the Wookies, who have lost six straight. Owner Will Mitchell does have Danieal Manning, so anything is possible. It appears Owner John Stoer is going to be the groom at a shotgun wedding. Congrats. Meanwhile, his 44’s take on the Coroners who they beat in Week 8 by a 69-53 margin. The uninvited Donovan McNabb looks to lead his team to their franchise high 13th win and they are 28-point favorites over the Coroners. Stoer said, “A fitting end to a once potentially title-winning season: a week 17 trip to the Black Hole.” If the Chargers had anything to play for, Stoer may have had to worry. However, it is unlikely Owner Chad Nuss will change his lineup and it is even more unlikely that his team will win for the fifth time in six games. The Busters looks to get back some of the pride they lost in a terrible loss to the Cookies. Owner Rich Joseph looked to play the dick card by picking up Jay Cutler and playing against his last remaining fan, Owner Perry Missner. We guess it is only fair because Matt Schaub is going to carve up the Patriot defense. Missner said, “Look was that evil Rich Joseph has done. Picked up our man Jay and is probably going to play him rather than the resting Peyton. Jay throw some picks for the good of your old team, buddy!” The Envy won a 105-102 thrilled in Week 8. Joseph said, “Let’s have some fun!” The Cookies look to finish their surprising season with 11 wins. Owner Dan Weitz did not comment, but he did name Matt Prater his kicker. Owner Randy Chambers’ team has the distinct possibility of being swept by both the Coroners and Cookies in the same season. MVB is unlikely to play much and despised Tony Romo has something to play for. Not good. The FoBs still have an 18-5 series edge, so it will be at least 2020 before the Cookies can catch up. Finally, the Brents have a chance to extend the Herring losing streak to eight games. Owner Steve Johnson said, “Once more week to eek out a victory. I can’t underestimate any opponent, even the Herrings.” The Brents won handily in Week 8 by a 104-72 margin. The Brents have been installed as a 29-point favorite as even Tom Brady is taking an early offseason. Johnson hopes to avoid 11 losses, although the franchise record is 12 (set in 2000).

————————–Good Bye, Cubicle, I’ll Miss You Most of All Press————————————-

2009 – Week 15

IOWA CITY PREPARES TO PARTY, BUSTERS HOLD OUT FAINT HOPE

Iowa City Cubists (13-2) 118 P-Miss Envy (6-9) 60
Brentful Brents (6-9) 100 Syracuse 44’s (11-4) 90
The Ballbusters (11-4) 120 Full of Bull (5-9-1) 75
Weaselicious Cookies (9-6) 92 Red Herrings (4-11) 55
County Coroners (5-10) 110 Peaks Island Wookies (4-10) 75
Week 16 Previews

Iowa City Cubists (13-2) 118 P-Miss Envy (6-9) 60 – What’s the best way to stand up to a bully? While some may say that it would be to reason with them and show them that they are just insecure that they’ve gone through a growth spurt and their raging hormones are giving them feelings they don’t know quite how to deal with, they’d be wrong. The best method is to get the first punch in. Let’s face – Owner Perry Missner and his rather crazy relationship with media is a kind of bully. While in the past, the Cubists – be they in San Francisco or Iowa City – sometimes bought into the media hype. Owner Jason Moore would say something that he shouldn’t and the Envy would be whipped into a frenzy. The days of interesting quotes from Moore are long since past. He is the modern coach in that he might sound the alarm behind closed doors, but in front of the media, he is all “yes sir, no ma’am. We did great, we cherish opportunity, everyone gave good effort, etc., etc.” For example, when summing up the demolishment of the Envy, there wasn’t a trace of happiness in Moore’s statement, “Rodgers was phenomenal, and Clark set the tone early.” All of it was true, but where was the joy. You are about to win your sixth championship – give us some love, baby! Clark did get the first punch in. He took the wind out of the Envy sails by scoring 18 on Thursday. Andre Johnson negated Matt Schaub’s prudciton, and Paul Pasluszny had 11 from the D-flex. The Envy received another All-Pro game from Miles Austin, but the rest of the team did jack squat. Missner noted, “Arian Foster was disappointing – this is what happens when I take a flyer.” Poor guy. The game went out of control when Duck Rodgers of the 25th century started throwing darts around the field. Rodgers ended up with a 39-point game and nearly beat the Envy by himself. The Cubists are having a record-setting year. They are first in points scored (111.73) and have the highest average in Modano history. They are also allowing the least points this year (79.2) and have the widest point margin in league history as well (32.5). These numbers and the Cubists’ nine blowout wins almost made Moore smile. Iowa City officials said they were planning the greatest parade in city history. They had a bag of ticker tape and a three-piece band ready to have “one heckuva party.”

Brentful Brents (6-9) 100 Syracuse 44’s (11-4) 84 – When last we saw Owner John Stoer, he was mulling over whether to kick his best friend, Donovan McNabb, to the curb for a dame. Of course, the dame in this case was boner-inducing starlet Ami Dolenz. What should he do? Well, like any person in his position, he called out to his friends, who – of course – had many degrees of sage advice for him. Knowing what a cold winter can be like, the Wisconsin contingent of his friends within the league said that Ami was the way to go. Owner Steve Johnson said, “Oh… I got to go with Ami” and Owner Perry Missner reasoned, “What’s that Zales commercial – quarterbacks come and go, but love is forever?” Sound advice, especially with storylines already planned. However, the people who know Stoer the best, the Sidwell Friends who were mere lads growing up with the 44’s owner had counter advice. Owner Jason Moore summed up his thoughts concisely, “Bros before hos,” while Owner Randy Chambers said, “Donovan. If you cannot get both heart and beauty in a single package, always take the former alone.” Huh? In the end, Stoer let his team decide. McNabb had once again benched himself in favor of Kurt Warner because “we needed the most experienced quarterback out there to defeat the Farf.” Warner did not have a good game. He once had 13 points, but had a TD taken away from him after the game. Adrian Peterson and Chad Ochocinco led the team with 12 points, but it wasn’t enough. Meanwhile, the suddenly spry Brents were winning despite their quarterback. Johnson has made the right moves in bringing in some not well known players. Jamaal Charles led the team with 17 and Beanie Wells complemented him with 13. Johnson even rationalized his aged insane QB’s play away with “Farf had a crappy game. No biggy though, as I still won and the Vikes lost. Then it’s all good.” The Brents won consecutive games for the first time this season. In the end, the spotlight was back on Stoer’s decision, which he made quite forcefully: “Please, women may come and go, but Donovan is now and will forever be my guy. Now, hit the bricks, sister.”

The Ballbusters (11-4) 120 Full of Bull (5-9-1) 75 – Like Stoer, Owner Randy Chambers’ season has been mired in off the field problems. The latest being that he may lose draft picks over alleged point shaving when benching top-scoring Drew Brees against the soon-to-be champion Cubists. But before we get to the trial of the century, we should note that Owner Rich Joseph do have a shot at championship glory. With two games to play, the Busters find themselves two games behind after squashing the FoB’s. The Busters also hold the tie-breaker for having swept the Cubists this season –giving them their only losses. Against their arch enemy, Joseph’s players set the tone early. They scored often. Peyton Manning jumped out of the gates with 31 and he earned a co-game ball with Joshua Cribbs who did his best Terrence McGee impersonation with 24 points. DeSean Jackson had another All-Pro game and Brandon Marshall, Fred Jackson, and Jared Allen all hit double-figures. The Busters have now won four games in a row and have equaled the Cubists for 100-point games with nine. The team also broke through then 10-win barrier for the first time in five years. Meanwhile, the Bulls were led by their kicker and blown out for the fifth time. They have no blowout wins. More importantly, Chambers is getting ready for the trial of his lifetime. He, like Stoer, needed sage advice from the league on who should represent him. Again, the advice was all over the board. Stoer, knowing many good lawyers, suggested, “Matlock” and fellow Sidwell Friend Jason Moore recommended, “Alan Dershowitz” or as he is commonly known on the streets, Derschy. The Wisconsin contingent, neither of whom live in Wisconsin anymore, took the question much less seriously. Owner Perry Missner said, “Benny from LA Law” and Owner Steve Johnson noted, “Pete Rose pops to mind.” He’s not even a lawyer! At least Benny passed the bar in the last season of L.A. Law! Quite unusually, it was the recommendation of hated rival Joseph that Chambers went with: “Johnnie Cochran’s ghost” because in Chamber’s words, “If the score don’t fit, you must acquit.” Oy.

Weaselicious Cookies (9-6) 92 Red Herrings (4-11) 55 – [The following is written in loving memory of George Michael and his Sports Machine] This has been an amazing season for the Owner Dan Weitz and his Cookies. Owner Dan Weitz has barely paid any attention to his team. Owner Dan Weitz has been busy with other projects, including introduction to Calculus and Marketing 201. Despite Owner Dan Weitz’s lack of attention, his team – the Cookies – have been winning. For the first time in franchise history, the Cookies will have consecutive winning seasons and it has almost been in spite of Owner Dan Weitz. You see, Owner Dan Weitz did not have the advantages of many of us. Owner Dan Weitz went to public school in the mean streets of Oshkosh, Wisconsin where he (and by he, I mean Owner Dan Weitz) saw first hand just how awful life could be. Nevertheless, Owner Dan Weitz found a spiritual partner this year in quarterback Tony Romo. Now, you will hear beltway insiders who do not like Tony Romo, who plays quarterback. But I can tell you this about Tony Romo – he scores TD’s and he scores them for Owner Dan Weitz. Tony Romo had 17 points and led a fullout assault on the Red Herrings, who are owned by Owner Charlie Mitchell. Maurice Jones Drew, who is also known as MJD for reasons the elude me, scored a team-high 24 points and Marion Barber, who is know as the Barber of Seville for reasons that seem obvious to me, had 16. Neil Rackers, the only man brough in by Owner Dan Weitz, did not score. Yet, Rackers was not outscored by Jeremy Shockey. In the end, it was Owner Dan Weitz who got the Gatorade bath in which his players dumped Gatorade all over his body (and by his, I mean Owner Dan Weitz’s). The Herrings, who have lost six straight games and been blown out six times, were led by Laurnce Maroney, but this isn’t about them. It’s about Owner Dan Weitz and his Cookies who have won nine games, despite being outscored by their opponents. In essence, I repeat: Owner. Dan. Weitz.

County Coroners (5-10) 110 Peaks Island Wookies (4-10) 75 – Let’s say that you do something fun. And let’s say – for the sake of argument – that the fun is somewhat dependant on the participation of others. Now, let’s take this argument a step further and say that there are some people in the group, for whatever reason be it religious persuasion, lack of time, or just pure evil, that refuse to participate. What should be done? Well, the media asked league members this very question in relation to two owners who simply refuse to participate in the process. We asked, what should be done to owners who never reply to interview questions. Here are the responses. Owner Jason Moore said, “Probation: need 50% participation next year or removal from league.” Everyone likes a good benchmarking. Owner Steve Johnson answered a question with another question, “What is Einar up to next year?” Watching Big Brother, what else? And this was getting owners who actually respond to interviews, right? Owner John Stoer was slightly more punitive, “Loss of a draft pick the following season, if the offender even still wants a franchise in 2010.” Owner Rich Joseph was the most concise, “dump ‘em!” and Owner Randy Chambers had an excellent suggestion, “Next year’s scribe!” That might happen. Of course, when tit comes to tat, the same thing will happen again and again. We’ll probably go with Owner Perry Missner’s statement: “Weekly ridicule.” As to said owner, Chad Nuss. His team who for the third time in four games by beating the Wookies. The Coroners now hold a 12-10 series edge and they won behind stellar Charger performances – what a surprise. Philip Rivers had 22 and Vincent Jackson had 19. Steve Smith contributed 16 and even little Timmy Hightower had nine. The Wookies were Morganna-like with 50 of their 75 points coming from Carson Palmer, Jonathan Stewart, and Randy Moss. The Wookies O-flex was O-ffensive and scored a combined four points. T.O. – where have you gone? If it weren’t for brother Charlie, Owner Will Mitchell’s five-game losing streak would be the longest in the league. Something stinks in the house of Mitchell.

Week 16 Previews – There could be a small parade in Iowa City after Week 16. The hometown Cubists can clinch their sixth championship by beating the Brentful Brents. Owner Steve Johnson, whose team knocked the 44’s out of contending status, said, “Can lightning strike twice? I will do my darnedest to impersonate the Ballbusters and topple the Champs, but it will take all of my built-up Karma to do it.” The karma police may have something to say about his inability to bench QB Brent Farf. When asked to sit for a few plays, Farf responded incredulously, “Sit for who? Clipboard over there? C’mon – get serious. I am going to call all of the m**her f**king audibles I want.” Owner Jason Moore, whose team hold a 14-6 series edge and has won the last four meetings, said, “The Bretts are always tough–they’ve got some good young runners. We hope to have Williams back in the lineup to try to keep our streak going.” At this point, DeAngelo is not in the lineup, but the Cubists have already been installed as 18-point favorites. The league’s only hope for a dramatic end comes from the Ballbusters. As noted above, they still have a shot at championship glory. They need help from the Brents and need to defeat the Cookies. The Busters have won three straight Week 16 games and beat the Cookies in Week 7 by a 106-89 margin. Owner Rich Joseph said, “Need you again Bretts! Come on Cubists, you CAN lose the last two!” Joseph should be able to scheme against the same lineup the Cookies have trotted out for the last two months. In a controversial move, the Busters are starting Alex Smith over Peyton Manning who may have his nails done in the second half. The undercard features the 44’s and Wookies. The Wookies have lost five straight and the 44’s have not lost consecutive games this season. In Week 7, the 44’s took home a win by a 87-74 margin to narrow the series to an 11-8 Wookie lead. With Owner John Stoer back in charge, he has put Donovan McNabb in to play. Jackie Robinson also graces the 44 lineup. Stoer said, “Wookies and Christmas… sounds sweet to me. Take us home Donovan.” Aw, isn’t that sweet. While somewhere in a forlorn trailer, Ami Dolenz weeps her eyes out. Stoer also added, “All good things must come to end. On this 40th anniversary of nearby Woodstock, I can say it’s been the Autumn of Love in Syracuse this season, but winter has officially arrived and all I can do is tip my hat to the Cubists and hope for some great flashbacks from this season in the future.” The bottom of the schedule has the Bulls and Coroners as well as the Envy and Herrings. None of these teams can have winning records. In Week 7, the Herrings and Coroners won. On his matchup, Owner Randy Chambers said, “Popcorn time. We’ll be sitting on the couch digesting the various holiday meals that are in store. Win or lose, who cares?” The Bulls have two Packers in their lineup and the Coroners still have Charles Woodson. I won’t be watching this one. The one I will be watching is the scintillating game between the Envy and Herrings. Owner Perry Missner said, “I renounce my religion! All Bears, except Forte, must go.” Jeeze, it’s about time. They suck. The new Envy lineup features Kevin Boss, Jerome Harrison, and kicker Dan Carpenter. The Herrings have a hole in their defense and a dog in their O-flex.

———————————-Ho Ho Ho Ho-ly Crap – I Can Go Home Press—————————————

2009 – Week 14

STOER’S CHOICE BY WILLIAM STYRON

Syracuse 44’s (11-3) 102 P-Miss Envy (6-8) 74
Iowa City Cubists (12-2) 140 Weaselicious Cookies (8-6) 79
Full of Bull (5-8-1) 98 Red Herrings (4-10) 77
The Ballbusters (10-4) 128 County Coroners (4-10) 57
Brentful Brents (5-9) 72 Peaks Island Wookies (4-9-1) 57
Week 15 Previews

Syracuse 44’s (11-3) 102 P-Miss Envy (6-8) 74 – After years of flitting around the league and being abused by various owners, QB Donovan McNabb seems to be settling in as the architect of the best season for the 44’s. He has made judicious moves, like the signing of Rob Bironas (18 points) and claiming of Quinton Ganther (17 points), but he also seems to have a sense of peace. He even refused to call his own number in Week 14 as the 44’s easily handled their former rival, the P-Miss Envy. McNabb said, “Sure, my 20 points would have been helpful, but I didn’t feel like it would be sporting.” McNabb had little to worry about from Owner Perry Missner’s club. The Envy did receive a nice game from Matt Schaub, who received the Envy gameball for making Missner “look like a genius for playing him over Cutler. Genius may be a bit strong, but it was the first correct decision I’ve made this season.” Other than that, it was the usual mildness from the Envy who have failed to score more than 84 points over the last five weeks. Tight end Greg Olsen scored a nil and caused Missner to mutter, “Let’s just say that the Einar is no longer my least favorite Olsen.” Meanwhile, McNabb was unperturbed when Kurt Warner gave four points away on Monday night. He had Patrick Willis going and Willis showed his love for McNabb with 16 points. If only McNabb knew that his sense of well being may well be destroyed on the other side of the other. Oblivious to the outside world, Owner John Stoer and his amour Ami Dolenz had reconnected in New Zealand where Dolenz was filming Children of the Corn 9: Direct to Video. Dolenz was playing “Angry Mom” in an effort to kick start her once promising career. However, that career may once again take a backseat to her once tempestuous personal life. As they lazed in the Grand Hyatt in Auckland, Dolenz said, “this is right, isn’t it.” Stoer just signed contentedly in agreement and said, “yeah, baby.” Then the words he feared came out of Dolenz’s mouth: “I think we need to talk.” How many times had Stoer heard just those words associated with death and destruction? Dolenz went on a long preamble about kismet, coincidence, and the feelings of her heart, but came to the crux of the matter by saying, “In essence, there are just two things that need to happen for us to stay together. First, you have to realize that although I played a genie in a movie, which you have rightly suggested is a classic of the sex comedy genre, I am not a genie in real life. I have no special powers. I am just a simple woman. However, I do have one other desire that I know you share: I very much want the 44’s to win a Modano championship. I have done a lot of thinking about this since we met and I think there is a common ingredient to our years of failure: Donovan McNabb. I know you and he go back a long time, but it is time for the two of you to part ways for good.” An argument ensued, but in the end Stoer had a choice: tradition or love. What would he choose?

Iowa City Cubists (12-2) 140 Weaselicious Cookies (8-6) 79 – Recent sports teams withstanding, the city of San Francisco has a lot to brag about. It is one of the most beautiful cities, has some of the best restaurants (sadly not Super Taco), and is a paradise for people who like to walk up and down hills. However, the one thing the city doesn’t have right now is Owner Jason Moore and his Cubists, who absconded in the middle of the night to Iowa City. Since the move, the Cubists – who are mostly freezing their asses off in the middle of Iowa – have been on a march that puts Sherman to shame. In the last two weeks, the Cubists have knocked off previous rival Full of Bull and now the once promising Weaselicious Cookies with extreme prejudice. It’s not enough for Moore to just beat opponents. He has to show them the error of their ways. In Week 14, he went corporate style with the pairing of Johnson & Johnson (they make great lotion too) as Chris and Andre combined for 54 points to take the sting out of the Cookies. They were complemented by 21 points from Dallas Clark, 17 points from Frank Gore and 12 points from Paul Posluszny. Moore was so pleased by the team that he flew them back to San Francisco for just a couple of hours so that they could have “Pizzeria Delfina (site of my first date with Helen).” The Cookies did their best to make a game of it. Tony Romo led the team with 20 points and wayward Owner Dan Weitz got ten apiece from Maurice Jones-Drew, Ricky Williams, and Michael Crabtree. Brian Dawkins had 15 for the D-flex, but the similarly helmeted Cookies were simply not on the same plane as the Cubists. Moore even gave credit where it wasn’t due, noting, “Aaron Rodgers managed the game effectively, giving the rest of the offense a chance to shine.” Rodgers had five points in the Cubists’ seventh straight 100+ point performance (the Brents had eight straight in 2006). Moore said he had no plans to move the franchise back to the west coast, but did say he had purchased Pizzeria Delfina and would be moving it to Iowa City as well, reducing the citizens of San Francisco to ordering from Domino’s.

Full of Bull (5-8-1) 98 Red Herrings (4-10) 77 – Owner Randy Chambers is not happy. In Week 13 against the Cubists, he did what he has almost always done. When one of his players plays against his beloved Redskins, he benches him. It doesn’t matter if the player is Marshall Faulk from the early Modano days, LaDainian Tomlinson from three years ago, Tom Brady from his 50-TD season, or god himself. Even if it was long time QB Drew Brees, he takes a seat against the Redskins. Brees understood and went out drinking all week prior to Week 13 and was in no condition to play. He still scored 22 points. Yet, the league office led by Commissioner Todd Tugwell is very sensitive to scandal having been burned in the imfamous referee-turkey-gate and the recent l’affair Bordelaise. Tugwell polled the league to see what the proper punishment should be. The results were all over the board. Archrival Owner Rich Joseph said, “instant removal,” while Week 14 rival Owner Charlie Mitchell was even crueler: “He should have to take Westbrook from me.” Others, such as Cubists’ Owner Jason Moore were more realistic, “The man is consistent–I don’t see how you can single out this game. Also, he could have added all his bench points and he still would have lost.” Owner Steve Johnson was thinking among the same lines, “Do you mean sitting a QB against WA and starting one against KC? Who wouldn’t think about doing that? Besides, don’t you have to have a chance to win a game to throw it?” Owner John Stoer continued to think it was a conspiracy against the 44’s, “That’s Modano football. The Cubists win without having to face AP and dodge Brees due to “owner conflict” but there is no doubt they are best team this year.” Chambers even had his defenders, including himself, “Extra first round pick next year… Note that I would have lost had Brees played!” Of course, playing Brees may have set off an entirely different set of events that could have caused the time-space continuum to collapse. Chambers found his staunchest defender in Owner Perry Missner, who said, “Randy should not be punished. He should be exalted. He was following tradition which is more important than winning. Had I just followed tradition I would never had to curse my team with Jackie Robinson and likely would have taken Antonio Bryant. That would have made a world of difference.” After mulling all of these disparate opinions, Tugwell said that the Full of Bull would have to keep their same name in 2010 and forfeit their third, seventh and tenth round picks. Chambers, whose team won for the third time in four games, immediately appealed the decision.

The Ballbusters (10-4) 128 County Coroners (4-10) 57 – It has long been Owner Rich Joseph’s secret ambition that if he did not succeed with landscaping, carpentry, and masonry that he would have become a librarian. Fortunately, the other business has kept Joseph from heading down the useless MLS path, but he was curious. If he did want to become a librarian, what would be the most important requisite? Joseph had always thought that glasses make the librarian, but surely it had to be more than that. One opinion that could be easily discounted was that of Owner Steve Johnson who said, “You have to like those books n shit.” Another piece of nonsense came from Owner John Stoer who said, “What the hell is a library?” Well, let’s just get this right out there: cursing has nothing to do with being a librarian. It’s an MLS not MF’s. To get closer to the point, Owner Charlie Mitchell was getting warmer when he said, “sweater vests,” and Owner Jason Moore and Randy Chamebrs were blazing hot when they said, “good shushing skills,” and “no vocal chords,” respectively. The best answer, however, came from once and future librarian Owner Perry Missner who said, “Being a librarian is not as simple as it may seem. You have to process giant amounts of information and dole them out in parcels that can be digested by the average user (i.e. idiot). You have to maintain current awareness of trends in information science and you have to be service-oriented. Above all, you must maintain a passion for disseminating information and providing … obviously, I am just copying and pasting from my cover letters. Being able to shush is all you really need to do (and that was covered four courses during library school).” Should Joseph or anyone else want to change careers, it looks as if they have a good guide. Speaking of guides, Peyton Manning had the Buster offense churning again and was one of four All-Pro performers in Week 14. Joseph studiously gave the gameball to DeSean Jacksoin who scored 26 points and Brandon Marshall had 25 points. The Coroners suffered their worst loss since 2007 and saw Tim Hightower score -2 and Louis Murphy not score at all. The Busters now have four straight double digit win seasons and the 71-point win was their largest in franchise history.

Brentful Brents (5-9) 72 Peaks Island Wookies (4-9-1) 57 – [the following is the transcript of a voice mail message left on Owner Steve Johnson’s cell phone] Hey, it’s Tiger. Uhm, my wife was going through my cell phone and found your number. Could you please erase it? I know we’ve spent hours on tour together discussing what to do about Brent Farf and his aged ways, but the frosty witch doesn’t like hearing about inbred hillbilly morons. It’s pretty much all I think about when I am tour – other than my putts, but she just doesn’t seem to understand. It’s not like I am talking about Jamaal Charles running wild or how disappointing Jerkmichael Finley was. Sometimes, I just want to say to her, “Baby, I am Tiger and Tiger gets what Tiger needs. If he wants to talk about Brent Farf until kingdom come or screw Hooters’ girls, then Tiger should be able to.” She just doesn’t seem to get it. She’s always talking about those brats, I mean, those kids I produced to continue my dominance of golf. She just doesn’t understand royalty because haven’t had kings and queens in Finland or wherever the hell she if from for 50 years. Jeeze, I’m depressed about this, buddy. I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to or anything to talk about. I remember when we first got married, she used to talk about Brent Farf and how much fun he was having playing the game like everyone else. For awhile, I was even a little jealous, but I put it in my pocket and let it go. Could she let it go? No, it wasn’t like I talked about it 24-7 and there was no need to smash the back window of my Escalade with a golf club. I guess I should have known something was up last year when I was watching that Wrangler commercial Farf made and she turned the channel right as he was about to throw the TD bomb – in his Wranglers. Anyway, Steve-O, I am glad you won this week to get your 100th franchise win. That’s a big accomplishment, but I don’t think I can talk to you about it anymore. In any case, you’ve got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.”

Week 15 Previews – Back in the early aughts when the Cubists were winning championships like Dom Deloise downing pate, they always seem to have trouble with the pesky P-Miss Envy. The Cubists look like their on their way to a championship for the other ring finger, but they will have to leap the Envy hurdle again. The ever conscientious Owner Jason Moore said, “P-Miss always plays us tough, and our offense faces some very difficult matchups this week–we need a strong effort from everyone.” The 15-point favorite is hoping to get DeAngelo Williams back. The Cubists took a 11-10 series edge in Week 6 with a 107-96 win. Owner Perry Missner had this to say, “This is our Super Bowl. If we can end the Cubist 100+ scoring streak, get a few TD’s out of the running game, and have the Lord on our side, we just might win.” Well, one of those things might happen. Missner is relying on something called Arian Foster to help his team out of their mid-80’s doldrums. Long time Brentful Brent LaDainian Tomlinson makes his debut against his former team as a member of the 44’s. Owner Steve Johnson, who team got beat 66-97 in Week 6, took no notice and said, “Hopefully Indie stays unbeaten and they actually try and play out the year.” Johnson needs Reggie Wayne and Joseph Addai to lend credence to a lineup that includes Jerkmichael Finley, Brent Farf, and Justin Forsett. Donovan McNabb may or may not be with the team based on Stoer’s decision, but for right now, 44’s are going with Kurt Warner. The league is buzzing with the dilemma presented to Stoer. With three games left to play, almost everything has to go right for the Ballbusters to win a championship. It doesn’t help that Peyton Manning may not play entire games and it may be even worse that Owner Rich Joseph’s punishment suggestion was not looked upon kindly by Owner Randy Chambers. The Busters won in Week 6 115-93 to pull the series to an 8-5 Bears’ advantage. Chambers had pulled out his Rock Cartwright and Heath Miller is sure to score two TD’s. Chambers said, “I don’t really care about 3-1 with Hiney, so long as we don’t get swept by the Busters. Would be sweet to knock them out of the race for another so-called championship. If you cannot contend, at least spoil!” Those are words that Owner Dan Weitz has lived by. The Cookies take on the Herrings, who dealt them a vicious 161-73 loss in Week 6. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “tough, tough collapse.” The Herrings are 21-point underdogs but never underestimate Tom Brady’s hurt feelings. He still remembers how Weitz and family rode him into the ground two years ago. Same old lineup for the Cookies, but the Herrings have Austin Collie in the lineup. Wookies and Coroners? Well, they will play and maybe someone will win.

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2009 – Week 13

SAN FRANCISCO TEMPTS MOORE, BUT NO MOVEMENT YET

Iowa City Cubists (11-2) 108 Full of Bull (4-8-1) 59
Syracuse 44’s (10-3) 111 Weaselicious Cookies (8-5) 82
The Ballbusters (9-4) 85 Red Herrings (4-9) 67
County Coroners (4-9) 93 Brentful Brents (4-9) 74
P-Miss Envy (6-7) 80 Peaks Island Wookies (4-8-1) 72
Week 14 Previews

Iowa City Cubists (11-2) 108 Full of Bull (4-8-1) 59 – Much like Tiger Woods alleged mistresses, many people have an opinion on just what the city of San Francisco must do to lure Owner Jason Moore back from his new perch in Iowa City. As the Cubists look ready to steam ahead for their sixth championship, Moore made clear that he would not return for anything less than “A superburrito and some Vietnamese food from Tu Lan should do it.” Yet Mayor Gavin Newsome thought that was a bit rich and offered a superburrito or some Tu Lan. Not both. Moore was said to be considering the offer, but Owner Perry Missner thought it should be more like “First, I think the mayor of San Francisco has to get down on his knees … and beg Jamo to return. It’s not like any of the other sports franchises in town have won five championships in the last 12 years. Then, he has to send Jamo a dozen roses every other day and get him a cushy job on a committee that has high pay and little responsibility. Finally, the city has to rename Lombard Street, Jamo Street.” As if that demand wasn’t lavish enough, Owner John Stoer went all Stephen King on their asses: “A retractable roof dome over the entire city” Many owners thought some sort of homosexual tryst was in order: Owner Rich Joseph said, “Plenty of men for the owner!” Owner Randy Chambers offered: “More gay-friendly bars. Iowa City has OutSFed SF.” And Owner Charlie Mitchell noted, “Weekly parades. San Fran does ‘interesting’ parades.” Then there were the personal requests: Owner Will Mitchell said he’d already taken something from the city by the bay: “Well they (San Fran) got rid of one major league asshole, he just moved to Maine and bought my old house on Peaks Island.” Finally, Owner Steve Johnson said, “My wife went to Iowa. I have been to Iowa City. I have been to SF. Iowa City is actually a pretty nice place and a cool town… but give him a few months.. in winter no less.. and he wont need any offers.” Interesting. Oh, the Cubists smushed the FoB for the second time this season and have now won five straight times in the series. The Cubists have now scored 100+ points in six straight games and it looks like only this city controversy remains. The FoB has been accused of throwing the game for benching Drew Brees and his 22 points for Kyle Orton and his nine. League leaders are meeting to determine a proper punishment.

Syracuse 44’s (10-3) 111 Weaselicious Cookies (8-5) 82 – When last we saw Owner John Stoer, he was wandering the New Zealand desert with little regard for his well-being. Eventually, the broken-hearted owner of the 44’s made his way into Taurunga and was noticed bouncing from here to there. Despite not having much interest in food or anything else, Stoer had managed to gain 35 pounds. He hadn’t shaved in what looked like six months (time is compressed in odd ways in the south Pacific, see Lost) and had so little regard for his personal appearance that he was wearing a moomoo and not much else. He happened to get a two dollar coin with a great egret on it for doing an excellent sand dance and had made his way into one of the supermarkets. Wherever he went, people kept their distance because of the odor, but he was suddenly quite hungry. “I know,” he thought to himself, “I’ll get some organic carrots.” Then a moment later, an unbidden thought came from his recess, “Those were Ami’s favorite.” As he made his way through the market, he kept his head low having lost all confidence in himself. He reached for a bag of carrots and at the same time a feminine and familiar hand grabbed the same bag. Stoer looked up – it was her, it was Ami Dolenz. Coincidentally, they both said, “What are you doing here?” Then she beat him to “jink you owe me a Coke.” Her next comment, unsurprisingly, was “my man stinks!” Then, “you’ve really let yourself go.” Subsequently, “What in god’s name are you wearing?” And, finally, “I’ve missed you. How about we get you cleaned up and we have a chat.” Stoer, too stunned to speak, just agreed. And off they went. Meanwhile, back in the states, Stoer’s team – the 44’s – was taking care of business. Donovan McNabb called his own number and led a balanced and vicious attack to quell the five-game winning streak of the Cookies. Tony Rhomo did his best to keep his team in contention with 31 points, but he was so focused on his own numbers that he forgot to hand the ball off to Marion Barber. The Cowboy running back tried to snatch the ball away from Rhomo but was charged with a fumble. The win brought the 44’s into double-digits wins for the first time since 2002 (their high being 12 in 2001). Despite the 8-5 record, the Cookies have been outscored by 8.2 points and have been blown out three times.

The Ballbusters (9-4) 85 Red Herrings (4-9) 67 – If the owners of the league were more culturally aware, they’d know that their lives were currently being broadcast on a show on FX called The League. It can also be seen on Hulu. Ignorant comments such as “Never heard of it” from Owner Jason Moore to “I have no clue what you are talking about. What’s new?!” from Owner Randy Chambers to “No I haven’t seen it – what is it?” from Owner Will Mitchell. Owners Charlie Mitchell and Rich Joseph – the owners in this particular recap if I remember correctly – both didn’t say if they’d heard of it but neither had watched it. Only three owners had definitely heard of it. Owner John Stoer said, “I have not and I haven’t because I’ve never given it more than a second of thought.” While Owner Steve Johnson said, “I have meant to watch it, but have missed it. Is it good?” No, the only owner bold enough to watch the League was Owner Perry Missner who said, “I watched the first episode and I have to say that it ranks as one of the worst TV shows I have ever seen. Really not funny and little reason to exist.” Wow – all of that buildup for that? Really? Maybe Missner should look in the mirror and see that his life is just like the League in which women are the enemy and the most important thing is hanging with your bros and making fun of the guy who takes Drew Bledsoe. Speaking of Bledsoe, he was once the apple of Charlie Mitchell’s eye when he and his brother used to compete in the minor leagues. That segue brought to you by The League, now airing on FX. In the game at hand, the Busters once again outclassed the Herrings and have now beaten them five times in six meetings. Joseph gave the gameball to Vernon Davis for scoring 13 points in his first start for the team. Peyton Mannin’g 15 counteracted Tom Brady’s 17. Mitchell summed the game and the season up like this: “This season has fallen apart faster than I could have ever imagined.” While Joseph in his ever curt style said, “Lucky win.”

County Coroners (4-9) 93 Brentful Brents (4-9) 74 – The human memory is a fragile thing. A four-year-old can often not remember the events that took place just two years ago. For fans of the Brentful Brents, they can’t remember the last time the Brents lost to the Coroners. If football seasons are like dog years, you’d have to go back to the Roman Empire to experience a Coroner victory over Brentful. Yet in Week 13 of 2009, something historic happened. The County Coroners, led by the loose ownership of Owner Chad Nuss came to Brent Farf’s backyard and won. How did they do it? Well, they haven’t changed their lineup in a couple of months, so the starters were entrenched. Owner Steve Johnson could have schemed around the expected lineup, but he said, “we don’t change our schemes for any opponent. Foremost in my mind is that fact that I need Farf out there having fun, flinging the ball around and thinking that he is in Kiln, Mississippi.” Oh, Farf was flinging something but just as in the vintage days of inbred hillbillyness, the aged QB tossed a pair to the Coroners and caused general disarray. How else can you explain Johnson benching Robert Meachem who somehow scored 34 points on a few players? Johnson gave Meachem the gameball but he had to be pleased by Joseph Addai’s 18 points as well. Meanwhile, Johnson still hates tight ends. The Coroners had the vaunted Philip Rivers-to-Louis Murphy connection working and the pair scored 44 points while other Charger/Coroners Darren Sproles and Nate Kaeding added a combined 23. Tim Hightower scored a nil, but that didn’t seem to worry Nuss (that’s right a nonplussed Nuss) who refused to comment on the proceedings. Johnson said, “When did Oakland start scoring points? Good game Coroners. The game is no longer a gimme. His team, despite being 4-9, has outscored his opponents by 4.5 points. The Brents still have a 17-3 series advantage so it will be 2020 before the Coroners even have a chance to catch up.

P-Miss Envy (6-7) 80 Peaks Island Wookies (4-8-1) 72 – If there was one question raging around the league (and I don’t know what to tell you if you didn’t see this coming), it was is Jay Cutler the reincarnation of Jeff George. Well, considering Phyllis’ son isn’t dead yet, Cutler might not be the reincarnation as much as the reanimation or possibly the reconstitutionalization of George. The ever elusive Owner Jason Moore said, “Interesting… I will have to think about that one. Need more details” while his Week 13 foe Owner Randy Chambers posited, “That’s an awfully high bar to get over, but he’s certainly got the potential.” Ever the Cutler hater, Owner Steve Johnson said, “Sure, why the heck not,” while Owner John Stoer echoed, “For sure!” Owner Rich Joseph said, “Ohh.. good one. Ya.. that would fit. What was his wonderlic score?” Owner Perry Missner had the longest argument, “Cutler has only played on two teams, but I can see the comparison in that both make throwing far look really easy. I think Cutler will be fine with some offensive support.” And that’s what they said about George for years. The best response came from Cutler’s opponent, Will Mitchell, “Boy George?” This caused Cutler to have a hissyfit and to be benched. Matt Schaub stepped in and scored nine points. Missner gave the gameball to Matt Forte and shouted repeatedly, “Forte found the endzone! Forte found the endzone!” Meanwhile, Mitchell gave a two-week gameball to Elvis Dumervil, but received a surprising 26 points form his Lions, Kevin Smith and Calvin Johnson. It wasn’t enough to overcome Terrell Owens’s 3 and Justin Tuck’s 2. Mitchell, whose team has lost six of the last seven weeks and three in a row pleaded, “I want to win again some day.” Missner, whose dream of a .500 season is one step closer to reality said, “I guessed right on Percy! That feels good and while I hate to beat a Wookie, we’re just one step closer to .500 and respectability.”

Week 14 Previews – The Cubists are still in command of their own destiny if not their own location. This week they play the similarly helmeted if alternately historied Cookies. The Cookies actually made a move this week by cutting one of their kickers. In this all-important position Owner Dan Weitz, whose team fell 99-66 in Week 5, has not named a replacement although Neil Rackers is expected to play. Owner Jason Moore, whose team leads the series 12-9, said, “Here’s hoping DeAngelo will come back healthy. The 44s and Ballbusters are keeping the heat on, and the Cookies will be a tough matchup.” He said that with a straight face. Not even a smirk. The other Steve Smith is back in the Cubist lineup. The Donovan McNabb-led 44’s are one game back but the Cubists hold the tie breaker. Syracuse faces the always feisty Envy whose owner Perry Missner didn’t even mention that Jackie Robinson was on the other side. He said, “I am having trouble decided who should be our QB this week. Schaub has a dislocated shoulder and Cutler is playing the Packers at Soldier Field. Jay is also dinged, so we may go with Matty at home. I have promised the guys that if we win, I will be them their own small cheese pizza from Cici’s (perhaps the worst pizza in the world, but better than nothing).” Cici’s? Blech. Right now Schaub is in but that could change multiple times before Sunday. The Envy added Jerod Mayo and Garrett Hartley to the lineup and maybe they’ll be able to earn a split. The 44’s won 125-89 in Week 5 and have won the last four meetings to take a 13-9 series edge. While Owner John Stoer is god knows where doing god knows what to god knows whom, McNabb said, “Pizza Week Redux. I know the Envy would like nothing more than to seal a 6th championship for the Cubists by defeating me so we will need to bring our A+ game against our Cajun rivals.” Quinton Ganther is in the 44 lineup. The Busters hold the tie breaker for sweeping the Cubists but are two games back. They need to beat the Coroners as they did in Week 5 by a comfortable 120-71 margin to get their series lead up to 8-4. Owner Rich Joseph said, “We need to get back in the 100’s!” In honor of their first two-game winning streak of the season, Owner Chad Nuss brought Bruce Gradkowski on board. He may even start him. The game between the also-rans include a Wookie-Brent battle and a Bear-Herring game. Owner Will Mitchell made a comment that could come out of the mouths of all four owners, “planning for next year.” His Wookies beat the Brents 82-72 in Week 5 but the Brents still hold a 10-9 series lead. Owner Steve Johnson said, “Now that the playoffs are starting to get set, we can start putting our studs on ice and picking up their unhearlded scrubs.” Those scrubs apparently include some guy named Brent Farf who is the Brentful QB. The Brents are also lining up Jerkmichael Finley and Justin Forsett (who is of no relation to Tony Dorsett). Elvis Dumervil once cost the Brents a game and now he is on the Wookies. Owner Charlie Mitchell said of his playing-out-the-string game, “Just taking a few weeks to see who makes a case for coming back.” Tom Brady seems like a given, but what about Mike Sims Walker and Darren Sharper? Maybe. Owner Randy Chambers, whose team took a 81-67 win in Week 5 to narrow the series to 3-2, said, “We’re 2-1 with Captain Hiney, and he scored 11 in his only loss, so we know this will be a tough week without him. Hopefully Portis and Turner can get their fat butts off the training table and onto the Gridiron so we can stay out of the cellar, which is precariously close!!” Portis just stared into space while Turner got acupuncture for his broken knee.

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2009 – Week 12

CUBISTS ROAD TO SIX TAKES A PITSTOP, 44’S UNABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE

The Ballbusters (8-4) 117 Iowa City Cubists (10-2) 111
Full of Bull (4-7-1) 112 Syracuse 44’s (9-3) 96
Weaselicious Cookies (8-4) 81 Peaks Island Wookies (4-7-1) 77
Brentful Brents (4-8) 117 P-Miss Envy (5-7) 70
County Coroners (3-9) 102 Red Herrings (4-8) 71
Week 13 Previews

The Ballbusters (8-4) 117 Iowa City Cubists (10-2) 111 – Samuel L. Jackson defines inevitable as “the mo**erfu**ing s**t that’s gonna happen.” And so it seemed that the now Iowa City Cubists were on their way to their sixth championship, rolling along. Yes, I said Iowa City. In a stunning development, Owner Jason Moore uprooted his team from their longtime place by the bay to central Iowa. While the details of the deal have not been officially reported, rumors said Iowa City representatives offered Moore the services of their best cow, all the corn he could eat, and a city without any hills. San Francisco is said to be coming up with a counter offer. While that offer is going through official channels, the Cubists are now winless in their new home. Moore made the controversial decision to bench Knowshon Moreno for Steve Smith and pretty much everyone had an opinion on the move that didn’t work out. Moore said of himself, “Okay with the decision to go, not as big a fan of the play call.” It seems he confused one Steve Smith for the other. Meanwhile, Owner Rich Joseph said, “Good call.” Of course, he would said that because his team ended up winning by six points whereas Moreno outscored Smith by eight. Other owners in the league weighed in as well: Owner John Stoer ridiculed the decision, ‘Still poor. Less of a chance of losing if you punt.” Who said anything about punting? While the harshest critic was Owner Randy Chambers, “My kids may not know much about Xs and Os, but they know how to spell D-U-M-B.” Only the formerly Wisconsin contingent came to Moore’s defense. Owner Steve Johnson said, “If they would have made it, we would be overwhelmed with how much of a genius he is. He went for it and lost, no big deal.” While Owner Perry Missner countered, “It was a gutsy move that didn’t work out. People have focused on the result, but really the [Cubists] might have lost if they had punted. You have to give credit to [Moore] for guts. I wish more coaches went for it on fourth down.” Nevertheless, Moore felt like he had just finished the underwhelming DaVinci Code after the game. Despite all-pro performances from Aaron Rodgers and Chris Johnson, the Cubists had no answer for the potent Peyton Manning to Fred Jackson combination. On the big win that keeps his championship hopes alive, Joseph said, “Even if we don’t win it all, beating the Cubists lineup twice is as sweet as it gets!” Moore, whose team has scored over 100 points for five straight weeks and suffered their first franchise loss when scoring 100, said, “Damn–our team played pretty well, but they seem to have our number… I’m glad we won’t see them again til next year. Rodgers had another outstanding game, but the rest of our team had trouble scoring TDs. By the way, a big thank you to Drew Brees!”

Full of Bull (4-7-1) 112 Syracuse 44’s (9-3) 96 – Speaking of Brees, it was his moment to shine as the rest of the league watched with mouth agape as he propelled the Bull to an astonishing come-from-behind win. Well, almost the entire league … Owner John Stoer was nowhere to be seen and our last report of his whereabouts had him trudging through the desert in New Zealand, howling, “Why? Why? Why did I have to read Ladder of Years by Anne Tyler? Oh, why?” Without Stoer in charge, Donovan McNabb was left to lead the 44’s again. Under suspicious circumstances, starting QB Kurt Warner came down with a bout of dizziness before the game and McNabb had to insert himself in the lineup. The longtime 44 played well with 13 points and set up his Charger mates, Antonio Gates and LaDainian Tomlinson, for another 30. The Syracuse D-flex also played well with 28 points. Meanwhile, Owner Randy Chambers’ team did not seem particularly inspired on Sunday. Yes, Donald Driver outplayed Jackie and Jon Beason was flying all over the field. Chambers, however, was dismayed by the play of Heather Miller and J. (for Jennifer) Feely. As they did little to contribute, Chambers shouted, ‘. Just get on with it, ladies. Stop the hand-wringing, already.” While not much better, Chambers preferred the play of a real man: Rock Cartwright. The Bull City team faced a 26-point deficit with just Brees left to play. The FoB QB started flinging the ball all over the field and it seemed like every throw was a reception, and every other throw was a TD. Had Stoer been in attendance, he probably would have said, “Watching on Monday night I had the Queen song from Flash Gordon running through my head: Brees- ahah- savior of the universe. I don’t think he’ll garner many MVP votes since it’s a down year for the FoB, but he certainly helped ruin my dream season this week. So thanks for that Drew.” Meanwhile, as Chambers’ long season draws to a close, he could take solace in the fact, “I knew Brees wouldn’t let the 44ers sweep us. I promised him seats next to Vlade!” A sentiment, had Stoer heard it that would have made him weep.

Weaselicious Cookies (8-4) 81 Peaks Island Wookies (4-7-1) 77 – The Monday night game also proved crucial to the Cookie-Wookie match up. But before we put the cart before the horse, let’s talk about Sunday. Owner Dan Weitz had his Tony Rhomo to Visanthe Shiancoe combination working. The two bombined for 31 points, although Cookie fans – the few there are – wondered if Weitz, an avowed Brent Farf hater, should really be playing Shiancoe week after week. He had some tough words for Owner Perry Missner early in the season when Missner experimented with Glasnost via Jackie Robinson, but might those tough words have been forgotten? Weitz also showed that he doesn’t mind if players hold out as he played Michael Crabtree yet again. For the Wookies, this season was once a 12-step joke, but that has long been forgotten and the Wookies are just hoping to be .500. Needless to say, when your best offensive player is Terrell Owens, you are probably in trouble. Owens and Carson Palmer combined for 22 points and Elvis Dumervil scored 14 to lead a 28-point Wookie D-flex. The Cookies held a 73-68 edge heading into Monday with John Carney going against Randy Moss and Stephen Gostkowski. Needless to say, Owner Will Mitchell felt confident. To say that it didn’t work out, would be encapsulate the Wookie season. Carney belted PAT after PAT to score 8 points. Meanwhile, the Saint defense corralled Randy Moss and held him to just four, while Gostkowski chipped in five. It wasn’t enough and the Cookies earned a season sweep of the series. Weitz’s team has now won four games by less than ten points (without a close loss) and has won five games in a row for the first time in franchise history. The Wookies have lost five of their last six. Mitchell couldn’t even look back with regret because he only received two offensive bench points. Amazingly, the Cookies are just two games off the pace and can take matters into their own hands with games against the 44’s, Cubists, and Busters still left on the schedule.

Brentful Brents (4-8) 117 P-Miss Envy (5-7) 70 – Owner Perry Missner is a man of limited interests. He likes kimchi fried rice, but hates sports announcers. He likes Jay Cutler, but hates Brent Farf. As such, he spent the week prior to hopefully his last battle against the ancient inbred hillbilly moron QB, lavishing words of hate against his opponent. The words decapitation, broken spine, and deboweling were littered among his phraseology. Owner Steve Johnson had heard it all before and less than stunned when Missner compared Farf to the chicken-lipped Joe Lieberman. Johnson used Missner’s hate against him and put together an excellent scheme of screen passes and draw plays that used the Envy aggressiveness to their advantage. While Envy defenders were flying at Farf’s knees, the aged QB simple dumped the ball off to Steven Jackson, Justin Forsett, and Jamaal Charles. The three running backs combined for 46 points and helped Farf to a 31-point game. Jermichael Finley, meanwhile, scored a single point and caused Johnson to scream, “I hate tight ends.” We’ll that the curse of Colston, since Johnson used the WR to bludgeon his way to his first and only championship. Next week, Johnson is considering Sarah Palin for her tight end, but not he doesn’t’ “blame her for trying to get all she can. She was nobody until they thrust her into the spotlight. I just can’t believe how big a following she has. Will people follow anyone that is put in front of them?” Missner will. He thought Miles Austin’s 15-point Thanksgiving feast would propel the Envy to a sweep of their bitter rivals, but the team was taken down by Cedric Benson being unable to play and T.J. Houshmandzadeh for being unable to play football. Missner said, “T.J. Houshmandzadeh has been terrible this season. Almost as bad as my ability to predict when Percy Harvin is going to score.” Johnson summed the game up nicely, “Well, if its a lost season at least Perry didn’t sweep us.”

County Coroners (3-9) 102 Red Herrings (4-8) 71 – Whereas putting all of their eggs in the Monday night basket worked out for the Full of Bull, it did not work out quite as well for Owner Charlie Mitchell’s Red Herrings. The Herrings scored just 28 points on Sunday as they waited for their players to take the field. Against an open opponent, the Coroners took advantage and reaped sweet revenge from their Week 3 loss. DB Charles Woodson was everything Owner Chad Nuss thought he could be when he was a member of the Raiders. He led the team with 32 points and has proven his worth again and again for the Coroners. The offense was led by Philip Rivers who had 22 and set up Nate Kaeding for 12. Some of Woodson’s productivity was taken away by Mason Crosby, who had 11 points. The Herring D-flex, however, was disgusting with a combined total of seven points. At least they were able to outpoint the unholy Coroner trio of Steve Smith, Vincent Jackson, and Louis Murphy who had a point apiece. Facing a 74-point deficit, the Herrings on Monday did the best they could. Laurence Maroney ran hard for 18 points to lead the team and the aforementioned Marques Colston, scored 14. Mitchell was let down, once again, by golden boy Tom Brady. According to the Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, Brady is no better than Ben Roethlisberger and, furthermore, he thinks Belichick has lost it. Said Simmons, “If Belichick was half the man he used to be, he’d take a video camera to the opponents’ practice.” The Coroners were able to snap a four-game losing streak and score over the century mark for the third time this season (having won two of those games). The Herrings, meanwhile, have lost three in a row and have been blown out in consecutive games. Mitchell’s team has allowed 100 points six times and is allowing an average of 99 points per game. He’ll need to tighten up the Herring d-flex if he is to be competitive in the major leagues of fantasy football.

Week 13 Previews – Although the Cubists lost in Week 12, they still hold the selfsame one game lead over the 44’s. This week, Owner Jason Moore’s team takes on the surprisingly non-contending Full of Bull. Owner Randy Chambers said, “Nice to get on a roll just in time for the semi-annual Cubist showdown … too bad we’ve been eliminated from the title chase for weeks now.” FoB has won two in a row for the first time this season and looks to dethrone the Cubists behind … Kyle Orton? Oh boy. Chambers is sticking to his guns by benching Drew Brees against his Skins. The competition committee is looking into whether this constitutes throwing the game and whether Chambers should be docked a draft pick. The Cubists have bowed to league pressure and won’t go for it on fourth down anymore (and have put Knowshon Moreno back in the lineup. Oh, and Jay Feely hasn’t been cut yet. The Cubists won 92-55 in Week 4 and have won four straight times in the series. The Cubists have also won three-straight Week 13’s, while the Fob – despite a 9-2 Week 13 record overall – have lost the last two unlucky weeks. The second place 44’s minus their owner will take on the third place Cookies. Current 44 GM Donovan McNabb said, “Make or break game this week against the red hot Cookies, but we will show no fear against Baby Rhomo and his poopy diaper teammates.” The Cookies haven’t changed their lineup and Owner Dan Weitz hasn’t changed his socks in weeks. In fact, league sources say that Weitz hasn’t even checked his team in nearly two weeks. Two absentee owners? The 44’s return Rashard Mendenhall to the lineup and DeMarcus Ware will be taking aim at Rhomo. The 44’s, who have won five straight Week 13 games, bashed the Cookies 123-65 in Week 4 to end the Cookies dream of a perfect season. The last team in contention is the Busters. Owner Rich Joseph’s team meets the Herrings, whom they demolished 136-69 in Week 4 to get a 4-1 series edge. Joseph said, “Cubists, can you say two game losing streak?” That’s right, Joseph is openly rooting for his long time nemesis, Chambers. In the undercard, we have the Envy and Wookies. Owner Perry Missner’s team has won the last four meetings, including a 99-54 Week 4 win. Missner said, “We creamed the Wookies last time out and would love to have a sweep. Matt Schaub will need some revenge from last week and maybe Cedric Benson will actually play.” Those things could happen and James Laurinaitis could score 50 points too. The Wookies are going with a four WR lineup and just Kevin Smith in the backfield. Finally, the gimme game. The Coroners play sad sap host to the Brents, who have beaten them 14 straight times. The Coroners are coming off a rare win, but they are decided underdogs against the Brents who even have a token Raider, Tyvon Branch, in their lineup. Owner Steve Johnson said, “Now do I go for a win.. or start tanking it for draft choices. Tank it? NEVER!” Owner Chad Nuss said nothing.

——————————————-13’s are Wild Press—————————————————————

2009 – Week 11

STOER TAKES LEAVE OF ABSENCE, 44’s KNOCK OFF BUSTERS

Syracuse 44’s (9-2) 78 The Ballbusters (7-4) 64
San Francisco Cubists (10-1) 115 Red Herrings (4-7) 87
Weaselicious Cookies (7-4) 120 Brentful Brents (3-8) 117
Full of Bull (3-7-1) 111 Peaks Island Wookies (4-6-1) 94
P-Miss Envy (5-6) 84 County Coroners (2-9) 72-
Week 12 Previews

Syracuse 44’s (9-2) 78 The Ballbusters (7-4) 64 – Just prior to gametime against the Busters, Owner John Stoer abruptly left the 44’s to go on a soul searching trip to New Zealand . While no one was sure what was going on with Stoer, he left long time QB/companion Donovan McNabb in charge. Surprisingly, McNabb did not start himself, but left Kurt Warner in charge of the offense. This may be amateur psychology, but McNabb may still feel somewhat responsible for the breakup of the Stoer-Ami Dolenz power couple. Us magazine reported that Stoer had even intended to propose to the star of Miracle Beach , but upon losing threw the ring with a 12-carat diamond into the Chesapeake Bay . Leaving even more heads ascratching was the fact that the 44’s were heading into an important game against the Ballbusters who headed into the game tied for second. Owner Rich Joseph has come to expect 100-point outings from his squad, but they just did not hit the ground running vs. the 44’s. In fact, the two Buster runners, Thomas Jones and Fred Jackson combined for just 11 points. The lack of a ground attack left the passing game in a hole. Peyton Manning was limited to nine points and Joseph was particularly scornful of Brandon Marshall. Joseph, who doesn’t like taking orders from junior staff, did get 24 points out of DeSean Jackson and Tony Gonzalez, but the D-flex fell flat with just 11. Meanwhile, McNabb shadowed Kurt Warner who had 15 points, but spent much of the second half handing off and protecting the lead. Rashard Mendenhall and LaDainian Tomlinson combined for 24 points and Patrick Willis led the D-flex with eight. Larry Fitzgerald had another 12 points. McNabb announced his management style was that “authority runs from the top down not the other way around.” This was in stark contrast to the lovelorn Stoer who texted the media from somewhere over the Pacific Ocean , “My undying love for Ami Dolenz continues to pay dividends as my little genie saw us to victory yet again by using her magical powers to keep my opponents score down. While my love is now unrequited, I know that a part of her must still care or she wouldn’t still be helping the 44’s stay in the title chase.”

San Francisco Cubists (10-1) 115 Red Herrings (4-7) 87 – The big news out of San Francisco was not that the Cubists won for the eighth straight time or that they scored 100 points again. The big news was that Owner Jason Moore was considering moving the franchise. When asked if he was willing to relocate, Moore said, “Depends on the package. But I am very happy in SF.” Of course, the media, in their inimitable way completed ignored the second part of the answer (or thought that Moore was being sarcastic, you never can tell) and focused on a recent offer from Iowa City . You have to admit, there is a certain ring to the Iowa City Cubists and rather than being stuck somewhere between the 49ers, Raiders, Warriors, Giants, and A’s, the Cubists would have the entire Iowa City market to themselves (especially now that the Hawkeyes are the pits). Moore did not return the media’s calls for followup on this story, but San Francisco residents were said to be peeved that Moore would even consider such a move. One flamboyant San Francisco citizen had Moore hanging in effigy, but others reasoned that if Super Taco could close, anything could happen. The feeling of “anything could happen” was the opposite of what happened on the field in Week 11. The Cubists rolled over yet another opponent as they flatted Owner Charlie Mitchell’s Red Herrings for the fifth straight time. Moore gave the gameball to “The D-flex. First time we have gotten over 30 this year.” Paul Posluszny led the tacklers with 14. Aaron Rodgers had no problems with the safety-heavy Herring defense and led all scorers with 23. Yes, he even scored more than the golden boy, Tom Brady, who was limited to 16 by his one of his former teams. Mitchell gave his gameball to Wes Welker, who scored 12 with nary a TD. Marques Colston’s four points left Mitchell fuming. When Moore finally assented to talk to the media, he answered with gobbledygook such as “Because I want to understand the actuarial tables so I can identify arbitrage opportunities.”

Weaselicious Cookies (7-4) 120 Brentful Brents (3-8) 117 – For Owner Dan Weitz, three truly is the magic number. He has three kids, has been married three minus two times, and his spelling prowess peaked in third grade. And just to prove the point, for the second time this season his Cookies beat the Brentful Brents by three points. You see what I am talking about? Of course, in Week 2 (and two plus one is three – there it is again!), the two Oshkosh-based teams put on a slightly different performance. The Cookies eeked out a 66-63 win. In Week 12, it was pyrotechnics. Niether defense stood a chance as the both teams marched up and down the field. The Cookies put the Brents in an early hole as Ricky Williams ran like smoke through a water bong for 26 points. Senile inbred hillbilly moron Brent Farf led his troops back into the game with 31 points and received a gameball from Owner Steve Johnson who said, ‘Was down by 28 early and you scored even more. Why to stick it to ‘em.” Apparently, Johnson went to the Brent Farf school of typing. The Brents also got double-digit games from Steven Jackson, Joseph Addai, Beanie Wells, and Lawrence Tynes. Meanwhile the D-flex was going bonzo gonzo with 36 points. Only Jason Witten, a big disappointment, and a broken Ladell Betts let Johnson down. As Betts was getting carted off the field, Johnson screamed, “Why did you decide to blow out your knee? Frankly that isn’t a good idea for you or the team. You could have waited until the off season and done it then.” No one has ever confused Johnson with Mr. Sympathy. Meanwhile, the Cookies were scoring at will. Visanthe Shiancoe stole one of Farf’s TD’s, and Anquan Boldin, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Michael Crabtree all scored in double-digits. Lance Briggs led the Cookie D-flex with 14. The Cookies broke a four-year Week 11 losing streak and snapped the Brents eight-year Week 11 winning streak. All in all, Johnson lamented, “I can’t beat someone who scores 58 but also lose when I score 117. Awesome! So much for the ‘Keep on scrambling to pull out a great 2nd half.’ Thanks a lot Ricky Williams (team of one).”

Full of Bull (3-7-1) 111 Peaks Island Wookies (4-6-1) 94 – Say what you want about Owner Will Mitchell and his Wookies, but he is a man of honor. Week after week, the media would request permission to interview the Wookie leader. Mitchell would agree and put his answers in the mail. The deadline would pass and the media would get all huffy in Mitchell’s face, but he would calmly tell them that he put their answers in the mail and if they would just be patient, they could learn his thoughts. Eventually, his answers would show up. In Week 12, however, he got on this thing called the Internet and sent in his answer by clicking on something called a mouse. It worked. Even though the media has never helped the Wookies win (and didn’t in Week 11), we can now record that Mitchell gave his gameball to Calvin Johnson for his 16-point performance and that he was not so happy with Robert Mathis, who didn’t score. The much more media friendly Owner Randy Chambers said, “I’m just here for the free knick-knacks with the company logo. I’m a collector.” Honestly, the Bull City team was up to much more and they actually put together a fine performance. QB Drew Brees finally put the team on his shoulders and scored 24 points. While Chambers would have liked to give the credit to Brees, he said, “We’re so high on the rare taste of victory that game balls go all around, starting with Captain Hiney. His locker-room spirit has lifted us back into the win column.” Captain Hines Ward came over from the 44’s for a bag of hot nuts and scored 14 points in his return to FoB. Unlike the aforementioned Moore , Chambers made his intentions about Bull City much more clear. When asked if the team was going to relocate, he said unequivocally, “No. I’m not Robert Irsay… or Georgia Frontiere… or Al Davis… or Bill Bidwell… or Art Modell……” The Wookies have already left Cville once, but Mitchell said he was not going to relocate because Peaks Island has the best bowling alley in the entire state of Maine . On the rare victory and the avenging of a Week two tie, Chambers said, “How sweet the smell of victory, as opposed to the high routinely emanating from the Wookies locker-room. Inspired leadership makes a difference. Even if we go winless the rest of the way, it’s nice to have won at least one season series.”

P-Miss Envy (5-6) 84 County Coroners (2-9) 72 – It may be that fantasy football is just not Owner Perry Missner’s game. In a dozen year of playing fantasy sports, he has won championships in almost every game. This year, he loaded up with 12 football teams and it looks like none of them will bring home championship gold. Maybe it is the fact that Missner loads every team with underperforming Bears and if a Packer or ex-Packer comes on the team, he ostracizes them just for wearing the wrong colors. Well, my friend, fantasy football is not about colors. It’s about winning. At least the Envy could claim victory in Week 11 upon facing the woeful – again – Coroners. Of course, it wasn’t that easy. First off, Missner claimed “I take orders from no one!” Then the owner made the citizens of P-Miss uncomfortable when he said on the topic of relocation, “Sure. If you’ll pay for my move, I’ll go anywhere. Even Ripon , Wisconsin .” He must like cookies. Finally, in a case of too much honesty, when asked why he’d like to join your insurance company, Missner said, “To be honest, I don’t. But I need more money and I figure you will give it to me without much struggle.” Speaking of struggles, many members of the Envy lineup struggled. None of the O-flex or starting backfield scored TD’s and only Bernard Scott scored more than six points. Fortunately, the Coroners weren’t lighting the world on fire either. Owner Chad Nuss received little support from his Chargers outside of Philip Rivers’ ten and Nate Kaeding’s 13. Kellen Winslow scored an uno. Steve Smith had his best game in awhile with 12, but D-flex only managed 16 points. Still, the Coroners had a 10-point leading heading into Monday. That’s when Matt Schaub trotted out. He hasn’t been the favorite in Envy camp, but he did what he had to do to win and get a gameball. Missner said, “Matt Schaub – turning a defeat into a victory. Way to come through – you’re not sitting again.” Missner then claimed, ‘I would have quit the league had I been swept by the Cookies and Coroners in successive weeks. We need Cedric the Engine to propel us.”

Week 12 Previews – While Iowa City – and all of its wholesome cow-fed females – beckons, Owner Jason Moore has keep his eyes on the prize for this season. In Week 12, he’ll get a chance to avenge the only demerit on his record. The Busters are the only team to defeat the Cubists this season and they’ll get another chance at the feat (and to keep their championship hopes alive). The Busters hold a 8-4 series edge and have won the last three meetings. Owner Rich Joseph said, “Beat the Cubist and stay alive!” He has Jason Snelling in tge lineup and Shaun Phillips has joined the D-flex. Moore said, “We had our worst game of the season back in week 3… I’m looking forward to seeing whether we have improved.” He had benchmarking experts looking at processing mapping to see if they could improve their quality management system. Owner John Stoer will be somewhere in New Zealand while his team takes on their old nemesis, Full of Bull. He did leave the following message for the media, “Happy Thanksgiving. Steaks and slurpees for everyone! A Turkey Day battle with Randy and his FoB. It doesn’t get much better. Warner needs to be healthy, Favre needs to stop showing off, and giant pussy DeMarcus Ware needs to take his skirt off and start getting after the MVB this week.” The 44’s won in Week 3 to snap a six-game winning streak for the Bull City in the series. Donovan McNabb has dizzy Kurt Warner still in the lineup, while Chad Ochocinco and Greg Jennings grace the O-flex. Owner Randy Chambers is countering with Derrick Mason and Jerricho Cotchery. Uh oh. Hines Ward may have some secrets to impart from his 44 days. Chambers said, “Short week, so we better get focused. The 44s are legit and if we want to avoid a first-ever sweep, it’s time to stop partying and get back into focus for the next challenge.” Got that, Ryan Grant, no partying! The Cookies have snuck into contention with another winning streak, this one of four games. They beat the Wookies in Week 3 senseless with a 94-46 win. Owner Dan Weitz had no comment on the game and Owner Will Mitchell deflected attention by noting, “Cant wait to knock off the Saints.” Terrell Owens has been awfully quiet this year but he returns to the Wookie lineup, while the Cookies have not made any changes. The Herrings beat the Coroners by a 91-68 margin back in Week 3 to take a 3-2 series lead. Vegas has the Herrings as two-point favorites behind Tom Brady. Owner Chad Nuss has not forgotten the Snow Bowl, but he may have forgotten to change his lineup. Finally, the Envy go for a sweep of the Brents and Owner Perry Missner has promised to blitz 11 on every down. Missner said, “We are going to take care of Brent once and for all. I don’t care what kind of fine I get or how many 15-yard penalties we incur, we are going to knock that old man down on every play and make him feel our wrath.” Karlos Dansby, the Farf destroyer, has joined the squad and T.J. Houshmandzadeh is back in the starting lineup. The Brents may have some trouble because they have no starting tightend at press time. Owner Steve Johnson said, “Ohhh.. right.. there are still games to play. I almost forgot.” He has probably also forgotten about the 103-86 loss in Week 3.

—————————————Vaughn Duggins Press———————————————–

2009 – Week 10

WOOKIES KING OF ALL OF NEW ENGLAND , EXCEPT HERRINGS

Peaks Island Wookies (4-5-1) 107 The Ballbusters (7-3) 100
San Francisco Cubists (9-1) 113 County Coroners (2-8) 100
Syracuse 44’s (8-2) 84 Red Herrings (4-6) 70
Brentful Brents (3-7) 124 Full of Bull (2-7-1) 62
Weaselicious Cookies (6-4) 61 P-Miss Envy (4-6) 45
Week 11 Previews

Peaks Island Wookies (4-5-1) 107 The Ballbusters (7-3) 100 – When asked what he would most like to do with himself if he had a free year, Owner Rich Joseph said he’d like to travel across the country visiting sports stadiums and arenas. The reaction in Buster nation to his comments was pure vitriol. Buster fans wondered if their owner was really interested in winning the Modano Mi Hermano championship and whether it might be time for him to sell the team who would focus on winning “and not traveling around like a pansy” according to one vehement sports talk listener. The fans have had little to complain about this season with Busters reaching triple-digits routinely, but a sports fan who is alive is a sports fan who is angry, so Joseph had to deal with the backlash from his seemingly innocuous comments. Long time Buster quarterback Peyton Manning insisted that Joseph still had the fans in mind, but not more so than Manning himself, who takes his two hours of sleep each night on the soft sod of Victoria’s Secret Stadium, which by the way, has the best customer service, according to Joseph. He didn’t comment further for fear of touching off the ire of the local sports media again. The fans were probably whipped into a lather because the Busters had opened the season with a loss to their local rival, the Wookies. Manning did his part with 28 points and Brandon Marshall put up 20 points. Joseph was let down by Julius Peppers who did not score and Vernon Davis, who scored just one point. Their gaffes were enough to allow Owner Will Mitchell and his Wookies to take advantage. Mitchell, who claims to have put his interview in the mail and sent via the United States Postal Service, did not comment again, but he had to be smiling on the inside. Brent Celek had nine points and Stephen Gostkowski had 10. The Wookies got nice performances out of the O-flex with 30 points between Sidney Rice and Jonathan Stewart. The difference maker was Randy Moss who scored 23 points and helped the Wookies win their first game by less than ten points since 2007. The 100-point loss for the Busters was their second in the last three weeks and caused Joseph to lament, “That hurt! Almost as bad as trying to get customer service at Home Depot.”

San Francisco Cubists (9-1) 113 County Coroners (2-8) 100 – If there is one thing that you should know about Owner Jason Moore, it is that he doesn’t cut corners. Whether it is managing his fantasy football team, talking about his libido, or getting a corporate sponsor, Moore does things with a full attention to detail and that kind of preparation has paid off in championship gold in the Modano Mi Hermano league. Speaking of his corporate sponsor, Moore was pleased to announce that he had reached an agreement with Google for the naming rights to his yet to be built stadium in the Haight-Asbury district. The stadium is going to have all of the best doodads of the 21st century: a sushi bar, a pina colada bar, unisex bathrooms with automatic toilet paper dispensers, and a corporate suite for Moore and his cronies that includes a medieval throne for Moore to sit on. He may need to expand his trophy room in the plans because it looks like there is no stopping the Cubists in 2009. The cross-bay rival, the Coroners, gave it their best shot, but as is usually the case with Owner Chad Nuss and his team: their best just wasn’t good enough. Here’s the deal with the Coroners: when one player does well (like Philip Rivers and his 19 points), another does poorly (like the ignored Vincent Jackson who went scoreless). Kirk Morrison’s 13 were balanced by Louis Murphy’s zip. Charles Woodson did have a sensational day with 22 points and Steve Smith had 14, but it wasn’t enough to overcome the balanced attack of the Cubists. Moore gave his gameball to Chris Johnson for his 26 points and Aaron “Duck” Rodgers had 19. Four other players had double-digit days including Paul Psoluszny. Moore, who thinks Nordstrom has the best customer service, said, “The Coroners played us tough, but Chris Johnson was spectacular after Gore got us off to a strong start. Aaron Rodgers has been great for us all year, and this week was no different. And kudos to Randy Moss for taking out the Busters.” The Cubists now have more wins in 2009 than they did in the 2008 season and their seven-game winning streak is their longest since 2002. However, they have now given up 100+ points in consecutive weeks. Moore has to be concerned.

Syracuse 44’s (8-2) 84 Red Herrings (4-6) 70 – Anyone who has lived has been through some heartbreak. For Owner John Stoer – someone who annually roots for the Orioles, Wizards, and Redskins, heartbreak is never too far away. However, the events of recent weeks have caused the generally ebullient Stoer to change, to become darker. Where once the jaunty tunes of the Grateful Dead could be heard bouncing from 44 HQ, now all that was heard was the Smiths. Stoer had even been seen sporting guyliner in his confusion and recently told an interviewer, “After my devastating break-up with Ami, I think I’d like to take a year shepherding in New Zealand just to get away.” Those are hardly the words of someone gunning for their first Modano Mi Hermano championship. His players tried to band together and throw a surprise party for Stoer, but upon the delirious shrieks of “surprise,” the downcast Stoer just said, “yep, I’m surprised.” Then he took a nap. Kurt Warner – somewhat the cause of the heartbreak – felt guilty and told the other 44’ers that the only way they’d be able to get Stoer out of his doldrums was to win. Some of the 44’s, like Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, and Adrian Peterson – each of whom may be in Syracuse after the season – took the message to heart. Even DeMarcus Ware, whose presence in 44 camp causes such consternation to other owners, seemed to want to hit Herring QB Tom Brady that much harder. Each of the aforementions played scored in double-digits with Warner topping out at 23. LaDainian Tomlinson and Reggie Bush sent along their condolences from the bench with 18 points apiece. Apparently, Herring Marques Colston has had his heart broken a time or two as well because he took two points away from his team. Darren Sharper refused to play against such an angst ridden owner. The only guy without a heart at all was Tom Brady. The Herring QB threw TD after TD and wildly gesticulated to his groin after each one. Joe Buck was shocked, but Troy Aikman reminded Buck that Brady was knocking boots with some model, so maybe Buck should shut his yapper. After the game, Stoer issued this statement to the press: “I almost blew it again, but thankfully Kurt, Larry, and AP played to their usual high standard. They are great guys and I probably don’t deserve to have them on my team. That’s back-to-back weeks of poor team management, so I think it’s best if I step back and just let the players play.” Stoer may or may not have had tickets to New Zealand in his pocket.

Brentful Brents (3-7) 124 Full of Bull (2-7-1) 62 – What do you do if you are a past proud champion and things just haven’t worked out as you had planned in 2009? The Week 10 game between the Brents and Bulls was a study in contrast. Owner Steve Johnson had his players ready to play and Owner Randy Chambers did not. Chambers showed his state of mind by announcing naming right of his stadium to “Scot’s, as we are providing a load of fertilizer this year…” At least fertilizer helps things grow. No, the way the FoB is playing is more like untreated sewage. Drew Brees, who no one refers to as the MVB anymore, led the team with 13 points, but Chambers gave his gameball to kicker Jay Feely who “ran in off the bench and kicked touchdowns like he was Garo Yepremian.” Chambers was dismayed by his Packer receivers who combined for 6 points and Heather Miller scored just one. Meanwhile, the Brents looked like the Brents of old. In the case of Brent Farf, the very old. Yet, even old Brent was able to cut through the defense like a warm glass of Metamucil and he led five Brents to All-Pro games. Reggie Wayne led with 20 and Steven Jackson, Jamaal Charles, and Joseph Addai each scored well. Even Ladell Betts hammered the point to the Bulls home with 13 points. Johnson, who hasn’t had much reason to bring his famed cackle out this season, cackled, “Everyone gets a gameball, man! What’s not to like? Practically everyone had an All-Pro day. Except for the TE… but he’s just a TE for god’s sake.” Jason Witten did have five points and Chad Greenway may be cut after scoring just three. Nevertheless, Johnson, who does customer service for U.S. Bank and confidently says they have the best customer service, said, “Wow. Look what we can do when we all want to play. I am sure we can do this for the rest of the season…. right?” He said he thought there was an outside chance his team could come back and win the championship. Of course, he also thought he had secured funding for a book deal about “Living in a log cabin in the middle of Alaska …… with a monkey.” A saddened Chambers said, “It’s nice to lose to the last place team and still avoid the basement, but the floor is about to collapse on us.”

Weaselicious Cookies (6-4) 61 P-Miss Envy (4-6) 45 – Motivation. Webster’s Dictionary defines motivation as something that makes the other thing go. In the motivation section of Wikipedia, there are links to porn. Whatever this thing motivation is, the P-Miss Envy did not have it. Could it be that Owner Perry Missner underestimated Matt Schaub’s role on the team? Could it be that Jay Cutler is an interception machine with no regard to who catches the ball? Could it be that the Cookies finish with another winning season, their second? Owner Dan Weitz isn’t talking, but if he did, he’d probably be full of the same kind of confidence that caused him to call the season over after three weeks. The Cookies did little on their own to win, but one has to give credit to Maurice Jones-Drew who continued to pinball his way through defense despite not getting much support. MJD had 15 points and was the only played on either side to have a meaningful TD (no, Tony Romo’s useless TD against the Packers in a losing cause doesn’t count). The week started off poorly for Missner who saw his QB throw five interceptions, two of which came in the endzone. Matt Forte provided some succor on Thursday with 11 points and Robbie Gould had seven including a 50-yard fieldgoal. On Sunday, things weren’t happening and Missner pronounced, “My entire team took a big, steamy dump.” Even though the 45 points were a team low, which had previously been set in the first meeting with the Cookies, Missner was feisty. He said, “I am going to give my gameball to Bill Belichick for having the stones to do something unconventional. Dear sports world, please shut up – he tried something and failed. It wasn’t even a terrible decision, even though it didn’t work out.” Take that, sports world! Missner was happy to announce that the naming rights to his stadium had been sold for a blue slurpee to ? “the new movie The Road, directed by John Hillcoat adapted from a Carson McCullers novel: an uplifting tale of man and boy against the elements.” All in all, however, there was nothing to be proud of from this game in which three teams this week would have beaten both team combined. Missner said, “Swept by the Cookies – Blast! I thought we could get back to .500, but this season is going to be one of unfulfilled promise. I am still behind Jay Cutler 100%. He needs some help, but the guy has a cannon. It just goes to show how much the team relies on Cedric Benson – get well, buddy.”

Week 11 Previews – The byes are done so there are no more convenient excuses to be made for losing in any particular week. While the Cubists have a one-game lead over the competition, it is a battle of second and third place teams that gets top billing. Both Owner John Stoer and Rich Joseph are coming off of losses of one sort or another. Stoer lost his heart and it will be interesting to see if he even shows up as his team meets the Busters. In Week 2, the Busters took a 111-76 win and lead the series 9-3 with four straight wins. Joseph said, “No Ronnie Brown….No Problem!” The former-44 keeper is out but Joseph has replaced him with Falcon backup Jason Snelling. The Fresh Prince is also in the Buster lineup. Meanwhile, the 44’s have LaDainian Tomlinson making his debut. Stoer said in monotone, “Huge week. Ballbusters. Contention on the line. We will be very fired up.” As for the Cubists, you’ll pardon Jason Moore if he looks past the Herrings. The Cubists have never lost to the Herrings and looked like they were playing another game entirely upon squashing them 159-58 in Week 2. Moore did say, “The Herrings are tough–Brady, Welker, Rice, Colston is a strong group. We need to keep the pedal down.” But we don’t think he meant it. Andrew Johnson is back from the bye and the other Steve Smith is in the lineup. Week 11 is the Cubists worst week and they are only 4-7 in previous Week 11’s. LaSean McCoy and Mike Sims Walker and potential starters for the Herrings. The battle of Oshkosh high school bragging rights is always entertaining. The Cookies took a tough 66-63 win in Week 2 to show that North is truly the best. Owner Dan Weitz’s team is on another three-game winning streak, but there are some numbers that aren’t in his favor. The Brents have won eight straight Week 11 games and still hold a 14-5 series edge. Meanwhile, the Cookies have lost four straight games on Week 11 and they are starting Visanthe Shiancoe. Not good. Owner Steve Johnson said, “I’m ready to go on a streak. If I win out the rest of the season.. I can be slightly above average!!! Woooeeaahhh!” There is some unresolved tension between Owners Will Mitchell and Randy Chambers because neither could claim victory in Week 2. The game ended in a 77-77 tie and the Bulls haven’t been the same since. Losers of five in a row, equaling their franchise’s longest losing streak (set in 2007) the FoB did win three straight games against the Wookies prior to 2009 and hold a 13-5-1 advantage. Chambers said, “We stink in every phase of the game right now, save for solid, but uninspiring quarterback play. We always respect a Wookie, but we sure as heck don’t want to kiss them twice!!” To make matters worse, the Bull City will likely be without Michael Turner, but no replacement has been named. The Wookies haven’t made any changes to the lineup that scored 107 points last week and maybe that’s the best thing Mitchell can do. Finally, we have the Envy and Coroners meeting. Two teams going nowhere fast. The Coroners took a 89-65 win in Week 2 and hold an 11-10 advantage. Owner Perry Missner said, “I think we’ll bounce back nicely. Schauby is well-rested and at home, Santonio is ready to show off what he can do, and Danieal Manning is going to score a TD. C’mon Bronco defense!” Listen to that cheer in his voice. No amount of losing is going to get him down. Santonio Holmes will make his Envy debut and Brian Dawkins is set to take matters into his own hands. The Coroners have made no changes, but are still only a two-point underdog.

————————————————–Brandon Jennings!!! Press———————————————-

2009 – Week 9

44’s GET DEAR JOHNED, CUBISTS ALONE IN FIRST

San Francisco Cubists (8-1) 123 Syracuse 44’s (7-2) 110

The Ballbusters (7-2) 58 Brentful Brents (2-7) 54

Red Herrings (4-5) 80 Peaks Island Wookies (3-5-1) 78

P-Miss Envy (4-5) 102 Full of Bull (2-6-1) 82

Weaselicious Cookies (5-4) 82 County Coroners (2-7) 77

Week 10 Previews

San Francisco Cubists (8-1) 123 Syracuse 44’s (7-2) 110 – [the following was written on tear-stained flowery stationary] Dear John, This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. We’ve had some great times together over the past few weeks and I thought you might be the one. It would be an understatement to say that I’ll never forget some of our experiences … like the time we beat the Coroners. That was great. I thought we had a real chance this week against the Cubists too. Sure, they have a great team with lots of solid players, but I knew we could beat them. No, I am not underestimating the power of the new three-headed monster which brings back memories of days of yore. DeAngelo Williams, Frank Gore, and Chris Johnson combined are scarier that Pat Morita as a zombie. Sure, they scored 56 points and the Duck added 19. Owner Jason Moore has a solid team – we both know that. Nevertheless, when watching practice this week, I told you I thought you should give Kurt Warner the starting nod. There was just something holy about him. You agreed somewhat because you continued to start Larry Fitzgerald and he had 20 points. Joseph Addai, who’ve you since traded, had 19 points and Hines Ward continued to amaze with 14. Still, you were so stubborn about starting your boy, Donovan McNabb. I know you two have history, but I didn’t want us to be history. Our first fights showed real passion, I’ll admit, but there was something demented in the way you refused to bench Donovan. What does he have on you? What happens to people who attend Syracuse ? Is that bond stronger than the one we were trying to forge? I guess so. So, you went with Donovan and he pooped the bed with seven points. I can’t even repeat what my guy did. … OK, OK, I’ve stopped crying for a moment and can say in all honesty that Warner would have won us this game. Sure, we probably would have split eventually because I think you love Donovan more than you could love anything else in life. I wish I could play a part in your future success, but I don’t see how you are going to overcome a game and a half lead when the Cubists keep scoring 100+ points (three times in their last four games). I’ll be somewhere listening to Chris Isaak’s Forever Blue and thinking of what might have been. Good luck to you and all of the guys. Love, Ami”

The Ballbusters (7-2) 58 Brentful Brents (2-7) 54 – The once proud Brent franchise has fallen into disarray and the state of Owner Steve Johnson’s mind can be summed up in a simple sentence: “Canadian Brass. Those guys rock!” Uh, yeah, if you like to wear your pants up to your armpits. The suddenly toothless Brents could not even take advantage of an off week from Owner Rich Joseph’s The Ballbusters to salvage a moment of self-respect. Confusion has reigned in Brentful since the eponymous Brent Farf came back to the ranch. Without so much as a note, Farf decided to retire prior to Week 9, but rumors are swirling that he will once again be back to play in Week 10. While Farf was off mulling his future (i.e. drinking J.D.), he left clipboard holding Matt Hasselstink with a mess. The Brent QB was the only one on his squad to break the ten-point barrier. Lawrence Tynes with eight was the next best player. Reggie Wayne, LaDainian Tomlinson (in what would be his last game as a Brent after all these years – don’t forget he was once traded by the Einar for Ahman Green straight up), and Chad Ochocinco each had a point apiece. It wasn’t much rosier for the Busters, who kept their championship hopes alive with the narrow win. Joseph gave his gameball to Ronnie Brown for ten points (and allowing the Patriots to win), while Peyton Manning led the team with a mere 13. Joseph was particularly displeased by Julius Peppers who scored one point. Joseph, who would like to go back and watch the 2004 Red Sox championship again, did get six points out of Vernon Davis. The Brents had a chance to steal with win on Monday with Elvis Dumervil facing a ten-point deficit. Dumevil scored two points and caused Johnson to blurt: “Elvis, you had a chance to be a hero, and you couldn’t get a decent sack. Get the hell out!” Johnson then got his shotgun and chased Elvis off his lawn. The Brents have now lost more games this season than they did all of last season and three of their losses have been by less than ten points. Joseph, whose Busters won with the lowest total this season, said, “Can you say lucky?”

Red Herrings (4-5) 80 Peaks Island Wookies (3-5-1) 78 – There were reports from Herring camp (some quite scurrilous) that QB Tom Brady said he would force Owner Charlie Mitchell to trade him to the Wookies if the Herrings couldn’t come up with a win in their only meeting of the year. Mitchell the Younger took Brady’s challenge and put his team through one of the most exhausting weeks of practice in the annals of the Herrings. It was too much, in fact, for Brian Westbrook, who said there would be nothing that would keep him out of the Modano Civil War. Westbrook later said that his hangnail was really causing him to have troubles gripping the ball and declared himself out for a month or two. His demise caused Jeremy Shockey to get a booboo early in the game and declare himself out for the season. Who does the Herring recruiting anyway? One can only wonder how the Wookies would have responded had they known that Brady was potentially heading their way. Carson Palmer and Julius Jones played well with 13 points apiece, but it was the Patriots on the Wookie side who seemed to know something was up. Randy Moss had a big game with 17 points and Stephen Gostkowski had 14. It wasn’t enough to overcome an uninspired D-flex (just nine combined points) and an even more uninspired O-flex (four combined points, including a -1 from Jonathan Stewart). In the end, it was Brady doing what he does best: breaking Will’s heart. The golden QB had 16 points and raised the play of Mike Sims-Walked (15 points) and Ray Rice (14). Even Brandon McGowan seemed more on his game than usual. He had 11 points and earned a gameball from Charlie who went with an all-safety D-flex that seemed to put the fear of god into Calvin Johnson. The Herrings, who have three of their last four, won for the first time this season by less than ten points (and it was the Wookies first close loss). All in all, Charlie yelled, “Bragging rights for the year.!”

P-Miss Envy (4-5) 102 Full of Bull (2-6-1) 82 – There are some divides that are simply too wide to cross. Owner Perry Missner wasn’t really good for much, but at least we all knew where he stood when it came to the Green Bay Packers. He hated them. Then, stunningly, this August he decided for whatever reason to draft WR Greg Jennings to prove that all rifts could be healed and peace was indeed possible on all fronts. Jennings had immense pressure on him to succeed in such a position and he failed by almost every measure. Missner became more and more ferocious as an owner and asked Jennings to do increasingly demeaning things (like launder the Farf jersey that the owner used to wipe his butt). Despite this incongruity on the roster, the Envy had been playing well and it appeared that in order to unite the team, Missner had to go back in time and become the lovable hater everyone knew deep down that he always was. Of course, first there was a game to be played and the Envy came out rocking the Full of Bulls. Greg Olsen had a tremendous day with 22 points and each member of the Envy O-flex found the endzone with Cedric Benson leading the way with 13 points. Yet, where did Missner turn to when handing out his gameball. We’ll let him explain: “Randy Chambers gets my gameball. He’s had a rough season and probably needs a pick-me-up, but his benching of Michael Turner was inspirational.” It’s true that Turner’s benching – against the putrid Redskins, no less – caused Missner to reevaluate his entire life. Had Chambers played Turner over rattle-brained Clinton Portis, the Bears would have won. Of course, if Missner had played Jay Cutler over Matt Schaub no one would have beaten him. No one! Chambers was happy with his D-flex, which scored 34 points, but to him, this season has been like listening to the Grand Illusion by Styx over and over again. In his post game press conference, Missner said, “I have always liked my team this year, but it has one focal point of unpleasantness. Look, I made a mistake. It happens to all of us. I am human and I thought I’d try something new. It hasn’t worked and I am working on rectifying the problem. Let’s not focus on the negative – lots of good play out there, including Olsen. My man doesn’t stink!” He sold Jennings to Chambers after the game for the rights to Super Bowl hero Santonio Holmes and a chicken wing.

Weaselicious Cookies (5-4) 82 County Coroners (2-7) 77 [this recap is written by a super busy guy who is talking on the cell phone next to you] Hello? No, I don’t really have time to talk. Yeah, I have a lot going on right now. I am texting, cooking, eating, and making deals. Yes, always making deals. Uh uh? Uh uh. Right. No, of course, I didn’t watch the Cookies play the Coroners. Why would I want to do that? Those two teams suck and their owners never participate in the process. They’re the worst – the absolute pits – and it’s no wonder they are the two losingest franchises in Modano history. That doesn’t surprise me a bit. No, I haven’t looked at the standings and noticed that the Cookies are one of four teams with more wins than losses. Sure, it’s nice that Tony Romo and Maurice Jones-Drew played well, just as it it’s nice that Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson played well, but I just don’t have time to give it its full due. Have I mentioned my schedule? It’s Ree-diculous. I am so busy that one would wonder how I have time to complain about how busy I am. Look, what kind of person plays Todd Heap at this point in the season. Surely there are better options. No, I didn’t just call you Shirley. I guess it is the same type of person who hangs on to Gibril Wilson or keeps two kickers on his roster. What? Janakowski is a good luck charm? Yeah, I don’t think that’s working that well. Dump him. In fact, dump half your roster and pick up some guys who can play. Like who? I don’t know. How about Charlie Garner? He was pretty good. Oh, he’s a real estate agent in Des Moines ? Well, how am I supposed to know? I’m so busy I have to schedule when I am going to take a dump. Yep, just did. I can’t change my schedule just because you call. Oh, I am really impressed that the Cookies have beaten the Coroners four straight times. Big fricken whoopy deal! I know, I know. Well, I have to go .. Saved by the Bell is coming on. Later!

Week 10 Previews – All eyes now stare at Owner Jason Moore. Can he handle this kind of attention? Of course he can – he’s done it so many times before that his life is an open book. The Cubists are set to take on their crossbay, well one wouldn’t really call it a rivalry, acquaintance. The Cubists won in Week 1 by 85-68 margin and hold a 15-7 series edge. Moore said to the media masses: “Now that we have made it to the top, we will have to work twice as hard to stay there.” Well, maybe not this week. The Cubists will be without Andre Johnson and the other Steve Smith, but Devin Hester is ready to step in. The Coroners, meanwhile, will be without Brandon Jacobs and Mario Manningham, but maybe Darren McFadden will be ready to play. They have also lost four straight Week Ten games. The Busters and 44’s are in second place at the moment. The Busters have their second annual Chowdah Bowl against the Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell’s team gave the Busters one of their two losses in Week One in a 99-85 win. The Busters still hold a 7-5 series edge. Owner Rich Joseph said, “This WILL be the first week #10 beats #1” It could happen. The 44’s and their broken-hearted Owner John Stoer meet the Herrings. Stoer has been listening to Blood on the Tracks in a repeat cycle for the last few days. He said, “I don’t know who I’ll start at QB this week but I fear Tom Brady.” It’s true the those who do not fear Brady are impregnated by him. If Stoer starts McNabb, it shows he truly is stubborn. If he starts Warner, it shows that he might have been wrong last week. Right now, he has Warner in the lineup along with the return of Adrian Peterson. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “About this time each year I make a bad trade withe 44s. This year, no trade, we’ll try to just beat them.” Charlie will be without Steve Slaton, but that might not be a bad thing. Jeremy Shockey and Brian Westbrook have declared themselves out, but right now Mitchell is declaring them in. The Envy and Cookies meet for the 23rd time. The Envy have won 12 of the first 22 meetings, but it was the Cookies who came out on top in Week 1 by a 89-63 margin. Owner Perry Missner screamed, “You never forget your first loss. Never. I like the way Cutler is tossing it around and I look for Miles Austin to vacuum up everything that Rhomo throws. I shall be avenged!” The Cookies are giving Michael Crabtree his first action of the year. In what was once a marquis match up, the Brents and Bulls meet. Owner Randy Chambers, whose team took a 90-88 victory in Week 1 and holds an 11-9 edge, said, “How low can we go? We’ll find out this week! The Bretts were bad enough to lose when they held the Ballbusters to 58 and account for one of our two victories, so if we keep up our 82 point/game strategy, we should be able to avoid the cellar.” Chambers had a full complement of players including the debut of Jackie Robinson. Speaking of Robinson, league sources say he was offered multiple times to Owner Steve Johnson who had no interest in the Packer. He had his heart set on Cedric Benson. Good luck with that! Johnson said, “The season is lost so might as well look for a good draft pick. Everything is possible and no one is safe. “ Ladell Betts makes his debut in the Brent lineup and old Brent is back in the saddle, if he doesn’t retire this week yet.

—————————————-It’s College Basketball Time Press———————————————–

2009 – Week 8

WISHING SYRACUSE WINS AGAIN, BUSTERS BUSTED

Syracuse 44’s (7-1) 69 County Coroners (2-6) 53
P-Miss Envy (3-5) 105 The Ballbusters (6-2) 102
San Francisco Cubists (7-1) 126 Peaks Island Wookies (3-4-1) 64
Weaselicious Cookies (4-4) 97 Full of Bull (2-5-1) 82
Brentful Brents (2-6) 104 Red Herrings (3-5) 72
Week 9 Previews

Syracuse 44’s (7-1) 69 County Coroners (2-6) 53 – It used to be that people thought that winning in fantasy football was 75% luck. Who can really predict TD’s on a week to week basis, anyway? Yet, if there is one thing that the 2009 season is proving, it is that it helps to have the supernatural on your side. In the last week, Owner John Stoer’s life has changed dramatically. Where once he’d spend weekday afternoons watching Barnaby Jones; he is now dating a Hollywood starlet, daughter of a Monkee, and someone whose fictional exploits as a genie in a bottle seem not to be quite so fictional. On their second date, Stoer and Ami Dolenz, star of She’s Out of Control with Tony Danza, were discussing the 44’s upcoming matchup with the County Coroners . Stoer mentioned the Coroners long time problems with finding a tight end and mused wouldn’t it be nice if they didn’t have a tight end at all. A serious look touched Dolenz’s face for a moment and to Stoer’s amazement on Sunday, it was so. Like Dean Cameron so many years ago, Stoer realized he had hit the jackpot: Jeannie, uh, Ami was sexy, fun, smart, and she could make wishes come true. When asked when he might let go of Dolenz, Stoer said, “2222 and not a year before.” It’s probably a wise move. The only problem was that come Sunday, Stoer also seemed to lack a certain motivation to get his players really going. Insiders within the 44 camp said it had something to do with “post-coital bliss” (yes, the third date went very well) and Stoer did have a look of bemused distraction on the sideline. All-Day Adrian Peterson was unaffected by the mood and had 14 and he was backed up by Joseph Addai, who had ten points. The D-flex found plenty of holes where Kellen Winslow (or a replacement) should have been and scored 21 points as well. While the Coroners 53 points were a season low, they did get some production out of their Chargers (Philip Rivers had 11 and Vincent Jackson had 12), but Mario Manningheim didn’t score and Coroner D-flex scored a pathetic five points. Seeing the Art Shell-like inactivity on the other side of the field, Stoer had planned to rip the deadbeat owner a new one, but his air of sweet satisfaction turned tirade into simple sarcasm, “The 44’s turned in a pathetic performance, but thanks to the wily stylings of Sir Chad Nuss, our win streak continues. If only there were more owners like Sir Chad , the 44’s might be consistently competitive. So we here in Syracuse say thank you Sir Chad , thank you.” Asked how he was going to spend his early week, Stoer winked and said, “Less time talking to the media, more time to party!” Oh yeah!

P-Miss Envy (3-5) 105 The Ballbusters (6-2) 102 – In the annals of the Modano Mi Hermano league, if there is one role that Owner Perry Missner is used to, it is the role of the spoiler. His team has rarely been in contention for championships, so the best they can generally hope for is moral victories over top teams. No team was more top than Owner Rich Joseph’s The Ballbusters who had won six straight games and had scored over 100 points in their previous four games coming into Week 8. Missner made the controversial move of benching the league’s leading scorer Matt Schaub and substituting fan favorite Jay Cutler. By some remote chance, the move kind of worked out as Schaub was held to four points and Cutler pierced the Brown defense for six points. Missner boldly gave his gameball to himself for “putting Jay Cutler in charge of the offense which not only ended up in a +2 (over Matt Schaub), he said just the right things to Pierre Thomas and Curtis Lofton to get them to get us the win. Good one, me!” If only the Envy had won by one or two points, it would have been a great story. Or perhaps a greater story. The Envy played well on Sunday with Matt Forte breaking out of a slump and scoring 20 points, Robbie Gould kicking for 12, and Miles Austin scoring yet another TD for 10. Joseph, who believes all clocks will automatically account for Daylight Savings time in the year 2069 (how did he pick that number?), had his team in contention for a win despite just 11 points from Peyton Manning. Jared Allen (who wears #69) and Julius Peppers sacked Cutler repeatedly and ended up with a combined 35 points while DeSean Jackson scored 12. Joseph was let down by Ronnie Brown and Brandon Marshall who each scored a single point. Heading into Monday, The Busters had a four-point lead with two players on each side. Pierre Thomas scored an early TD on the ground to give the Envy the lead, but the Busters snatched the lead back behind Roddy White’s TD. Curtis Lofton’s 12 points overshadowed Tony Gonzalez’s five and Thomas’s late TD sealed the exciting win. Missner said, “This may be the highlight of the Envy season that will comprise 28 minutes of the 30 minute ESPN yearbook special. I’m going to give my team some time off to heal their weary bones and to have sex parties on boats.” The Envy have now allowed 100+ points in four straight games, tying the record set by the 2008 44’s (who also won their last 100+ allowed game in the streak). Joseph, whose team lost to the Envy for the first time since 2007, said, “Great job whipping our asses, Perry.”

San Francisco Cubists (7-1) 126 Peaks Island Wookies (3-4-1) 64 – It would have been easy for the Owner Jason Moore and his Cubists to have looked past the Wookies with a big match up looming Week 9. For a lesser owner (say, Chad Nuss) that might have been the case, but Moore is the consummate professional. There’s a reason he can use his championship rings as a full set of brass knuckles and go nearly an entire week wearing just Modano Mi Hermano championship regalia without having to do a load of laundry. Like Michael Jordan, Moore is able to remember the merest slight and use it as motivation for his team. In this case, the slight was not mere but a 2008 sweep at the hands of the Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell hasn’t been around the Modano media room much the season. First, the media left him off their distribution lists and now Mitchell’s emails are slower than snail mail and arrive at the commissioner’s inbox in time for the next week. Somebody needs to lose their dial-up and trade up for some broadband access! The Wookies were left without Calvin Johnson, who decided to sit out against the Cubists rather than get roughed up. Therefore, the passing attack was weak. The Wookie ground game may have given future opponents of the Cubists a blueprint to follow because Jonathan Stewart and Kevin Smith gouged the San Francisco defense for 29 points. That was about all the noise the Wookies made. Like Calvin, Andre Johnson was hurt, but he still suited up and scored six points. Moore gave gameballs to “Rodgers and Johnson–outscored the Wookies Sunday contingent by themselves.” He was referring to Chris Johnson and Duck Rodgers of the 25th century who combined for 57 points. Frank Gore returned to prominence with 14 and DeAngelo Williams leveled the Carolina playing field with ten points of his own. The Cubists have now won five straight games and have six blowout wins this season. Moore commented, “Great consistent yardage across the offense, and Johnson and Rodgers were outstanding. We were also lucky to catch the Wookies on an off week.”

Weaselicious Cookies (4-4) 97 Full of Bull (2-5-1) 82 – If the old adage ‘what goes up must come down’ has any merit, then perhaps the opposite is true. In the case of these two teams, the Cookies have already experienced quite a yoyo this season, while the usually competitive Bull City team has played like poop on a stick. Owner Randy Chambers had once thought a win over the Cookies was as automatic as changing the clock for Daylight Savings time, which, by the way, he thinks will be fully automated “the year before Congress changes the schedule again in their feeble attempt at climate control. Imbeciles.” The FoB’s had beaten the Cookies 18 times in 22 tries and had a three-game winning streak in the series. Things started out pretty well for Chambers as gameball earning Brian Cushing had 11 and led the Bull D-flex to an “uncharacteristic” 26 points. While the D-flex seemed to score a lot of points, they also allowed a lot. Tony Romo and Maurice Jones-Drew scalded the Bulls for 47 points and set Jay Felly up for ten more. Adding insult to injury Marion Barber score nine and even Joshua Cribbs got in the action with seven points. Chambers lamented, “[My] coaching [was below expectations].. We just couldn’t contain MJD Light. We need a better scheme.” He then fired defensive coordinator Herve Villachaize and replaced him with Emmanuel Lewis. Villachaize had been the appointed holder for Matt Prater, but he botched numerous holds as well (not helping the matter is that De Plane guy has been dead for 15 years). Chambers promised more changes, “We’ve fired our offensive play-caller with mixed success. We’ve changed up our defensive lineup with some success. Hard to believe MJD Light could take us out with only 8 carries.” Former offensive play called for the Bulls Mr. T had been replaced by Rush Limbaugh, who has managed to be offensive to everyone. Chambers’ team now has five losses this season after only losing six games in all of 2008. Whether he considered this season lost, Chambers said, “Nope, otherwise I’d be at 18 lost seasons and counting. That said, this season is totally lost, and there will be a lot of them until Snyder sells the team.” We’re not sure who this Snyder is Chambers keeps talking about, but the going theory is that it is some reference to One Day at a Time.

Brentful Brents (2-6) 104 Red Herrings (3-5) 72 – It would have easy for Owner Charlie Mitchell and his Red Herrings to have looked past the Brents with a big matchup looming in Week 9. And that’s exactly what they did. Mitchell took for granted that the Brents were led by a toothless moron who retired and unretired three times this week. Owner Steve Johnson on the other hand could only say that he had mixed feelings. His beloved Brent stormed into Lambeau Field and made Ted Thompson look like the boob that he really is. Where did Johnson’s heart lay? With his beloved QB who he had unwisely named his team after all those years ago or with the team that perennially disappointed him with their horrible draft picks, terrible colors, and penchant for making idiotic penalties? What’s a fan to do? In this case, Johnson was so confused he had nothing to say. Farf, on the other, hand was not so much at a loss for words: “I told the Packers two years ago that I could play 25 times better than Duck and they told me to screw. So, I gave them the finger and played for the Jets for a year. Biding my time, waiting for my opportunity, baiting the media, and considering how my many retirements could get me the most media attention possible. Finally, with training camp finished, I decided to come back and save the Vikings. Look us now! Two games up on those idiots from Green Bay who I’d like to pee on with relish. Screw you, Wisconsin – you never really had my back. Screw you!” Of course, that’s a transliteration of what Farf would have said if he weren’t mentally defective and had to pause every five seconds to dribble tobaccy juice all over himself. Farf did score 32 points, but that was mainly because the Herrings put 11 in the box to stop Steven Jackson and LaDainian Tomlinson. It didn’t work as the two veteran runners went for 31 points and Reggie Wayne added 15. Willis McGahee failed to score, but that was three points better than Steve Slaton. Mitchell summed the game up by quoting every NFL broadcast, “”We just want to say, it sure looked like Favre was having fun out there. Boy, he really is a gunslinger, he just loves playing football.””

Week 9 Previews – This is it: the biggest game of the 2009 Modano season so far and maybe ever. Oh, you think that’s hyperbole? Well, I don’t. An owner has never had so much riding on one game as Owner John Stoer when his 44’s meet the similarly recorded 7-1 Cubists. To make matters worse, the 44’s are without their best player, Adrian Peterson, who is on the bye. Stoer, who team is 7-12-1 against the Cubists and managed a split last year, said, “From one extreme to the other, I’m not sure that our usual sacrificing of young virgins will be enough to provide the amount of good fortune we will need to defeat the Cubists with our best player riding the pine this week. I’m going to need some serious Ami Dolenz magic…” It may be within Dolenz’s power to transfer Peterson’s abilities to Rashard Mendenhall, but that may not be enough against the mighty Cubists, who are without no one. Dwayne Boye makes his return to the lineup and Moore said, “This is big. The last time our offense put up a great game, we laid an egg the next week against a top team. We can’t have that happen again.” Will Stoer get his magic from a wand or will it disappear in a cauldron? The Busters look to make amends and stay within one game of first place against the Brents. The Brents hold a 7-5 series lead and the teams split in 2008. Owner Rich Joseph, whose team has scored 100 or more points in five straight games, said, “Gotta bounce back and hold on to second place.” He’ll be without Thomas Jones and Jared Allen, but has Thomas Davis and Nate Burleson in the lineup. Oddly, he is hampering himself by carrying two kickers, two tight ends (Vernon Davis is in the lineup over Tony Gonzalez), and five defensive players. The Brents will be Brentless this week, but Matt Hasselsuck throws his clipboard down for a week. Steven Jackson is also on the bye and is currently being replaced by Ryan Moats and Jamaal Charles. The Cookies amazingly find themselves in fourth place, despite just getting over a four-game losing streak. They take on the Coroners who have a 2-9 record in Week 9 and have lost five straight games to their one-game opponent. Neither team is media friendly. The Coroners hold an 11-8 series edge, but the Cookies have won the last three. The Cookies need to replace Joshua Cribbs, Visanthe Shiancoe, and Jay Feely – none of which should be hard. The Coroners will be Raiderless, which usually means they will win. They still need to find two D-flex replacements. The Envy and Bull City meet for the second straight Week 9. Owner Randy Chambers said, “We are not used to being envious of P-miss, but we’re looking up at his rear. We’re confident our dicks can provide info on Miles Austin’s PED use in time to get his butt banned.” He’ll be without Jerricho Crotchery. Meanwhile, Owner Perry Missner responded, “I am not sure why Randy is talking about dicks and ass. He must have his priorities in the wrong place. We are retooling the D-flex because of byes and welcome back bruising Curtis Benson. For now, Schaub is the QB, but I like the way that Cutler throws. He may be back in the lineup. Will Randy play Turner against the Skins?” That is the big question. He could go with Tim Hightower against the Bears… Finally, it’s Civil War: Every Mitchell for himself as Charlie meets Will. This year, the battle is made even more interesting by the presence of Tom Brady. Charlie noted, “We also want Brady back. Eli sucks.” Long the item of Will’s desire, Brady will be playing to a partisan crowd. The Wookies have Carson Palmer and will need to replace Sidney Rice and Calvin Pace. Terrell Owens is on the bye, will anyone notice? As of printing time, Eli Manning is still in the Herrings lineup, so maybe Brady, Wes Welker, and Jeremy Shockey really won’t play. One thing is for certain: a Mitchell will win and a Mitchell will lose.

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2009 – Week 7

STOER GETS THE CALL – THREE TEAMS BUILD SEPARATION

Syracuse 44’s (6-1) 87 Peaks Island Wookies (3-3-1) 74
The Ballbusters (6-1) 106 Weaselicious Cookies (3-4) 89
San Francisco Cubists (6-1) Brentful Brents (1-6) 70
County Coroners (2-5) 107 Full of Bull (2-4-1) 81
Red Herrings (3-4) 108 P-Miss Envy (2-5) 86
Week 8 Previews

Syracuse 44’s (6-1) 87 Peaks Island Wookies (3-3-1) 74 – On a Tuesday afternoon, Owner John Stoer was sitting in his den watching the Rockford Files, when he phone rang. Knowing that all of his friends knew this was his time to watch his stories, Stoer assumed it was a telemarketer and almost didn’t answer. Upon impulse, he hit pause on his DVR and answered. A somewhat recognizable female voice asked, “Is this Owner John Stoer?” Hesitantly, Stoer answered in the affirmative. The voice went on, “This is Ami Dolenz. I just happened to be Googling myself and came upon your statements last week.” Stoer was speechless. Dolenz continued, “I know, I know: how Hollywood, how egomaniacal, ego surfing, but I checked my list and found that you were one of six people to order Miracle Beach – the climax of my acting career – and I figured I’d give you a call … hello?” Stoer stammered something that sounded something like Vlade to let Ms. Dolenz know he was still somewhat aware. “Well, the thing is, I was wondering if we could meet. Now, I know what you are thinking: isn’t this storyline similar to one with Owner Dan Weitz and Jennifer Aniston? Well, yes, but Weitz was married and Jen is no Ami Dolenz, as you can well attest. Oh, and if you looked me up on Wikipedia, as I often do, you might see that I am supposedly married. Well, you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia, right? Of course, our meeting is contingent on the 44’s continuing to win because I don’t date losers … hello?” The still stunned Stoer gurgled something that sounded like a cross between “my man stinks” and “after birth.” Dolenz hung up after making an arrangement that the two meet the following Tuesday, if the 44’s could win again. Stoer, who had forgotten all about his TV, ran out of his den, out of house, and called an immediate practice in which he drilled his players as never before. The results were good enough to beat a game Wookies team. Kurt Warner and gameball-earning Adrian Peterson scored 14, while DeMarcus Ware and Nick Folk led the 44 special teams with 13 points apiece. Stoer said he did feel guilty about ‘Starting two Cowboys and winning this week.” Of course, with so much at stake, Stoer might give a small appendage just to keep winning. The Wookies were led by Calvin Pace who scored 25 points, while Brent Celek scored as many points as Bromisnki. The 6-1 start for the 44’s is the best start in franchise history and the five-game winning streak matches the second longest (the team won six straight in 2001). All in all, Stoer – who seemed in a rush to shower and get out of the stadium – said, “Nice balance once again and our luck continues to hold. It didn’t hurt that Randy Moss and Terrell Owens can’t share the same hemisphere much less the same sideline.”

The Ballbusters (6-1) 106 Weaselicious Cookies (3-4) 89 – To win consistently in the Modano league, you need to be either lucky or good. We can now say for certain that the Cookies were lucky to win their first three games. Their luck ran out and the league has subsequently given Owner Dan Weitz a kick to the stomach over the next month. Meanwhile, it may be that Owner Rich Joseph’s team is good. For the last four weeks, they have jumped the 100-point hurdle and they have won six straight for their second longest winning streak in franchise history (they won nine straight in their inaugural season of 2001). Joseph, who can’t name any of the members of The Band, has always had the brilliant play of Peyton Manning to rely upon, but this year he is getting splendid performances from the supporting actors as well. In Week 7, it was DaSean Jackson, who earned a gameball for his 21 points. He and Manning combined for 46 points and jumpstarted the Busters to yet another win. The Cookies, who had lost three straight coming in by blowout proportions, did fight gamely. Weitz has his own QB throwing BB’s. Tony Romo had 30 points and he handed off to Ricky Williams excellently. Williams smoked the Buster defense for 23 points. Williams also took the ball out of Ronnie Brown’s hands, although Brown did have nine points for the Busters. James Harrison also scored 14, but there were a lot of poor performances on the Cookie roster as well. Lance Briggs’ seven points were equal to five of his teammates. Meanwhile, Joseph, who feels guilty about “Not making enough money to support my wife’s spending!” [You can say that again.] got TD’s from Roddy White and Thomas Jones to go along with ten points from Trent Cole on the D-flex. Joseph added that he thought the NFL didn’t allow elaborate TD celebrations because the “brothers get carried away,” which is exactly what Roger Goddell said in his press conference. Can anyone stop the Busters from rolling through the league?

San Francisco Cubists (6-1) Brentful Brents (1-6) 70 – If there is a team, it might be the Cubists. It’s true that the Busters have dealt the one loss to the Cubists and 44’s, but there is an area in which neither owner has come close to Owner Jason Moore: championship experience. As Michael Irvin has stated repeatedly, “before you can win a championship, you have to know how to win a championship” (that and “to win the game you have to score points” in defense of why a team should never take a defensive player over an offensive player – oh, Michael, why can’t I see you on TV more often – stupid cocaine habit). Moore know how to win championships. He has won five of them and if he had his druthers, he’d win his sixth this year. So far, so good as the Cubists pasted another opponent in winning their fourth straight game and fourth blowout win of the year. Moore, who feels guilty about “being two years late on a couple of wedding presents” (or, nine year, almost to the day, as the case may be) tore the heart of the Brentful Brents early by launching Aaron “Duck” Rodgers with 27 points. The Duck quacked his way to his first gameball and set the tone against the Brents who fielded doddering, toothless, imbred, hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf. Farf looked all of his 40 year (one year older than Moore, by the way) in putting up a piddling five points. At halftime, Farf and Owner Steve Johnson were heard to have a shouting match and reports had Johnson renaming his team, the Duckless Ducks. Johnson was pleased by the play of Chad Ochocinco who scored 19. He was backed by Reggie Wayne’s 11, but the once proud Brent running game has disappeared. Johnson said that the NFL did not allow TD celebrations because “It would take away from the witty banter about local food options and the commentators’ favorite network TV plugs. Moore, who has never heard of Geddy Lee, got a solid running performance from DeAngelo Williams and said, ‘The Rodgers-Favre battle worked out for us, and DeAngelo had a nice late TD to give us some breathing room. Posluzny may have earned himself a spot on the team.”

County Coroners (2-5) 107 Full of Bull (2-4-1) 81 – There are many ways of describing Owner Randy Chambers. One good way is single-minded. He generally has his fantasy team, even if he can’t just settle on one name, in contention. This year appears to be a down year in the Bull City cycle and Chambers is single-minded in his blame: it all falls on the tiny feet of one Daniel Snyder. While it is certainly against some law to make fun of a person so small, Chambers has aimed verbal dart after verbal dart at the Redskins owner. A rambling Chambers said, “: Dan Snyder. Dumb-axx forgot that games are won by offensive lines. How else is CP ever going to get in the end zone?!” Of course, Snyder had no influence on several Redskin linemen getting hurt, but that didn’t stop Chambers from noting that the Redskins cut their entire training staff so that they could have a marketing campaign for PSL’s. Chambers was happy with evangelical singer, Amy Grant, who left Vince Gill at home and scored 15 points, a total matched by Drew “MVB” Brees. MVB, by the way, stands for Most Valuable Brees, which Drew most certainly is. His leading, as always, has been suspect. He was outplayed by his replacement in San Diego, Philip Rivers, who left the Coroners with 27 points. In fact, the Bulls were almost completely undone by Charger/Coroners as Owner Chad Nuss has apparently had enough of Al Davis and has switched allegiance to the San Diego Chargers. It was about time. The four Chargoners scored 59 points and Brandon Jacobs woke up long enough to score 12. Kellen Winslow failed to score, but that is nothing new for Coroner tight ends. The Coroners snapped a four-game losing streak and caused Chambers to snap that the NFL rules committee, chaired by one Daniel Snyder, did not allow TD celebrations, “To protect the (white) guys who cannot dance from being shown up.” Chambers, who can’t name a single member of REO Speedwagon (what about Michael Stipe?), said, “Losing to Chad . Can it get worse? Oh, yes. We play the sinking Cookies next.”

Red Herrings (3-4) 108 P-Miss Envy (2-5) 86 – Revenge is a dish best served medium hot with a radish garnish, according to budding Food TV star Matt Schaub. The Envy QB had circled the date of his match against the Herrings when the schedule came out and he seemed particularly stoked about showing up the guy who dumped him on draft day for a measly second round pick. Schaub cooked up another fine game with 20 points and has scored more points than any other player in Modano. Yet, even his best efforts weren’t enough to knock off the Tom Brady-led Herrings, who were coming off a record-tying 161 point performance. Owner Charlie Mitchell refused to let his team get comfortable after the outburst and that seemed to help Marques Colston and Steve Slaton, who combined for 24 points. Wes Welker joined Brady in All-Pro status with 15 and Mitchell noted it was a shame the NFL doesn’t allow TD celebrations because “It’s a shame too because Welker has been perfecting his Ickey Shuffle.” Hard to imagine. Mitchell gave the gameball to Darren Sharper because “In my tenure in this league, I’ve been a defensive disaster. To actually get a big game on defense is really incredible.” It also tweaked fellow owner Perry Missner, who once hated Packers – past and present – but has tried to make amends this year. He shocked the league by drafting Jackie Robinson in the first round and he has gotten pathetic performance after pathetic performance for his trouble. What would Branch Rickey do? Well, we know what Missner is thinking about doing when he shouted, “Damn, Jackie, you don’t want me to take out the switch, do you?” The always quotable Missner also said that the NFL doesn’t allow NFL celebrations because “because they are afraid of the influence of gangs. If a player does something more creative than a simple spike, it means that the gangs have won and our children will instantly resort to slinging crack.” The Envy received nice performances from Cedric Benson, who earned a gameball, and Miles Austin, but Jackie was joined by Matt Forte, Greg Olson, and Pierre Thomas on the dunghill. All in all, the victorious Mitchell said, “Good spirits in Herring Town. It’s a long uphill climb, but we’ll just hike our own hike.”

Week 8 Previews – In league history, three teams have never separated themselves from the competition like the Busters, Cubists, and 44’s have through seven weeks. And none of them are pretenders as they are the top three scoring teams. They continue to circle each other in Week 8 as they all play pretenders rather than contenders. The high scoring Busters face the Envy who have dropped three straight. Owner Rich Joseph said, ‘Watch out Perry…..cough up a c note!” Owner Perry Missner countered, “I think the only guy who can break us out of our losing ways is Jay Cutler. It may seem folly to bench the league’s best quarterback, but much of life is folly. I like Cutler and I think he’ll have a fine time against the Browns. Whether that means he’ll be able to outduel Peyton Manning – well, he’s going to need some help. Jackie?!?” Cedric Benson is on the bye, but T.J. Houshmandzadeh is back. For the Busters, no one on the bye and Brandon Marshall is back in the lineup. The Busters lead the series 6-4 and swept the Envy in 2008. The Cubists play the Wookies in what is usually a taut affair. The Cubists lead the series 11-8, but the Wookies swept in 2008. Owner Jason Moore said, “We always have tough games against the Wookies. We need every one to take it up one more notch.” The Cubists are not affected by byes, but the other Steve Smith is still in the lineup. The Wookies, who may or may not be receiving my emails, will be without Randy Moss, so Sidney Rice is in the lineup. They also need a new kicked and a D-flex player. Owner John Stoer’s hopes of continuing to date Ami Dolenz, star of Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, are dependant on beating the Coroners. The good: the 44’s hold a 13-8 series edge. The bad: The Coroners swept in 2008. The very, very bad: the 44’s have lost nine straight Week 8 games. That can not be a coincidence. Stoer said, “My glaring lack of O-flex depth will be tested this week and the Coroners have proved that they can be a dangerous team capable of putting up big numbers. Not a good week for the Chargers to host the Raiders. I sense much danger.” The 44’s have four offensive player on the bye and are forced to start Lee Evans. Ouch. The Coroners will be without Kellen Winslow, but that may not be a bad thing. The lower ranks have the Full of Bull trying to pull out of tailspin against the flailing Cookies. FoB has a good chance of winning, seeing as they have beaten the Cookies 18 times in 22 tries, including each of the last three meetings. Owner Randy Chambers has some waiver wire work to do. Santonio Holmes and Clinton Portis are on the bye, but are likely to be replaced by Derrick Mason and Jerricho Cotchery. The Cookies need to replace Cadillac Williams and Chris Cooley, but Maurice Jones-Drew is back from the bye. Finally, the resurgent Herrings face the unsurgent Brents, who are in the midst of their second three-game losing streak of the season. The Brents do catch a break as the Herrings will be without Tom Brady. Owner Charlie Mitchell said, “Tom’s on a break. Well, Eli, here are the keys. Just keep it on theroad, and get the ball to our midgets.” The Herrings own a 2-1 series edge and swept in 2008. The Brents will be without Chad Ochocinco and it looks like Owner Steve Johnson will keep Brent Farf in the lineup for his return to Lambeau as the enemy. Johnson said, “Thats it. Everything is up for sale. The stadium, lockerrooms, the bingo hall… everything. We have to head back to the streets and work out in some dumpy gym to get our Eye of the Tiger back. Either that or build up some cash to prepare for no fans for years to come. So if I dont keep any Keepers..so I get more draft picks?” No, Steve, you still have to keep LaDainian Tomlinson. Either him, or Beanie Wells, who currently graces the Brent lineup.

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